Chapter 207: Chapter 207: Kakashi's Heart Knot
"Yesterday's mission was really close. Thank you for your support Ryuken, I would have been in danger otherwise."
"Haha, we're teammates after all. I'm not like Kakashi, who disregards his teammates for the mission."
"Speaking of Kakashi, I heard recently that his team suffered heavy losses during a mission. Only the guiding Jonin and he survived. It's really tragic."
"Being on a team with that guy really brings bad luck. I'm glad I left early. Otherwise, our team might have faced the same fate."
After training, Kakashi dragged his exhausted body home and encountered his former teammates chatting on the way.
Hearing their conversation, Kakashi's thoughts about the Breathing Technique were suddenly interrupted.
Kakashi didn't go out of his way to hide his presence. His former teammates noticed him walking by and immediately fell silent.
"Ahem, good evening, Kakashi," one of them greeted, unsure if Kakashi had overheard their conversation. Kakashi gave no indication that he had heard, so they pretended he hadn't and greeted him.
"Good evening," Kakashi replied expressionlessly, then continued walking towards his home.
"That was awkward. I wonder if he heard us."
"It doesn't matter if he did. He probably doesn't have a good impression of us anyway."
With his sharp hearing, Kakashi could still catch snippets of their conversation even after walking some distance away, but he didn't have the energy to focus on it.
Kakashi wasn't angry about his former teammates talking behind his back. If he got upset over such things, he would have been infuriated to death when his father committed suicide, as he felt scrutinized everywhere he went back then.
Moreover, they weren't wrong. For Kakashi, the mission's priority was always the highest. Even if his teammates got injured during a mission, Kakashi would still prioritize the mission.
During the time Kakashi spent as Mutsuki's disciple, except for the beginning, he rarely pondered what it meant to be a qualified ninja and whether a ninja should prioritize missions.
Because the training intensity under Mutsuki was at its peak, either they were learning advanced Ninjutsu like False Darkness and Purple Electricity or Secret Jutsu like Thunder Breathing and Armament Haki. With such intense training, it was hard to find the energy to think about anything else.
Moreover, there was Obito in the team, who constantly pulled on his emotions, forcing Kakashi to divert some of his remaining energy into dealing with Obito's issues.
The words of his former teammates once again plunged Kakashi into contemplation about missions, being a ninja, and a teammate.
"Father was criticized because of mission failure, so only the ninja who can complete missions are considered qualified," Kakashi thought to himself.
Then, Kakashi shook his head. He remembered Mutsuki's words. Mutsuki, with his perseverance, wasn't a failed ninja.
Though Kakashi hadn't known Mutsuki for long, he admired him greatly. It wasn't just because of Mutsuki's strength but also because Mutsuki excelled in all aspects as a sensei, unlike any sensei he had encountered before.
So Kakashi was willing to listen to what Mutsuki had to say, willing to believe in him.
A hint of confusion appeared in Kakashi's eyes. On one side was the established fact: his father was criticized and eventually committed suicide because of mission failure. On the other side was the recognition from the respected sensei, telling him that White Fang was actually a ninja worthy of respect.
As Kakashi thought and thought, he had dinner and still couldn't come up with anything by eleven at night.
Lying in bed, Kakashi couldn't fall asleep for a long time. Even though he was very tired and wanted to sleep, every time he closed his eyes, he couldn't help but think about those things, making it impossible to fall asleep.
In the end, Kakashi didn't know when he fell asleep, but when he woke up and saw the bright sun outside, he realized one thing: he was late.
Kakashi quickly washed up, grabbed some food to eat hastily, and hurried to the Southern Forest.
When Kakashi arrived, the other disciples were already training. Obito and Shisui were sweating profusely from running with Total Concentration Breathing. Guy was practicing Yin Release Nature Transformation with a puzzled expression, while Rin was tending to injured fish and breaking trees.
Obito, running past Kakashi, saw him arriving late. With a smirk, he said, "Well, if it isn't Kakashi. How come you're two and a half hours late today? Did you also help an old lady on the way?"
After saying this, Obito instantly felt refreshed, as if the tiredness had left his body. Usually, it was Kakashi who scolded him for being late, but this time, the tables were turned.
"Just overslept," Kakashi explained expressionlessly, then walked over to Mutsuki.
"Tsk, late and still acting so smug," Obito grumbled, continuing his training.
"Yumi-sensei, sorry," Kakashi apologized, "I didn't sleep well yesterday, so I overslept today."
"No problem, occasional lateness is nothing. After all, unexpected things happen. Let's start training," Mutsuki said with a smile.
Kakashi nodded and began practicing Thunder Breathing under Mutsuki's guidance.
I wonder if it's because of not sleeping well yesterday or something else, but today Kakashi couldn't find his rhythm in practicing Breathing Technique. After finishing the morning practice, he didn't feel any progress at all. This feeling persisted during the afternoon practice of Armament Haki.
In the morning, he could blame the two and a half hours of being late for not having enough time to practice. But in the afternoon, he truly didn't know what he was doing.
Normally, when Mutsuki explained and demonstrated, he could automatically visualize it in his mind, but not today.
Although Mutsuki didn't know what happened to Kakashi, he sensed that something was wrong from Kakashi's performance.
"Kakashi, your mind is disturbed," Mutsuki said.
Armament Haki involves Yin Release and is related to spiritual energy. If your mental state isn't right, practicing it will be half as effective.
"Sorry, Yumi-sensei, I'm not feeling well today. I'll try to adjust myself tomorrow," Kakashi apologized sincerely.
Mutsuki was teaching him so seriously, yet he couldn't even concentrate on learning. Kakashi felt guilty about it.
"Come on, do your best, and remember to believe in yourself," Mutsuki said with a warm smile.
"Thank you." Feeling the warmth emanating from Mutsuki, Kakashi felt a bit relieved.
Due to being late during the day and having no progress in training, Kakashi decided to practice more at night in his own yard, practicing Breathing Technique to make up for it.
However, the practice was still very difficult, and Kakashi couldn't find that feeling.
At ten o'clock at night, Kakashi took a shower and went to bed to sleep.
As soon as he lay down, Kakashi subconsciously recalled the criticism his father had faced in the past, the lack of recognition from his teammates, and then he remembered Obito's words, and Mutsuki's words.
His thoughts were very chaotic, sometimes about how a ninja must adhere to rules even at the expense of teammates to complete the mission, and sometimes about how teammates are the most important and their safety must be protected.
"Sleep, sleep..." Kakashi silently repeated these two words in his mind. He had heard that this method could cure insomnia, so he was trying to suggest himself and generate drowsiness.
Kakashi couldn't tell whether it was the method not working or his own reasons, but he still couldn't fall asleep. At this point, Kakashi glanced at the time and saw that it was already two in the morning.
He sighed softly and tried to sleep again.
"Late again..."
The next day, when Kakashi woke up and saw the blazing sun outside, he knew he was late again.
He quickly tidied up and headed to the Southern Boundary Forest to begin training.
"Kakashi, you're late again. Were you staying up late training until the early hours of the morning?" Obito looked at Kakashi with suspicion.
He suspected Kakashi of pulling one over on him. Someone like Kakashi being late two times in a row, and both times by so much, seemed fishy to him.
"No." Kakashi replied curtly with no expression, then went to explain to Mutsuki.
"Yumi-sensei, sorry, I had insomnia again last night," Kakashi explained.
Mutsuki asked with concern, "Is everything okay with your health? Why did you suddenly have insomnia?"
"Thank you Yumi-sensei for your concern. I'm in good health," Kakashi said, feeling warmed inside before shaking his head in response.
"As for the insomnia, it's probably because I've been thinking about things a lot lately."
Mutsuki patted Kakashi's shoulder and smiled, saying, "Your health is the most important. If there's anything on your mind, just tell me. Don't feel like you're bothering me. For a sensei, there's no such thing as a student's issue being troublesome."
Kakashi nodded slightly, feeling somewhat relieved.
Perhaps the extra practice from last night had some effect. He made a bit of progress in the morning training session with the Breathing Technique, but he still couldn't find any feeling with the Armament Haki in the afternoon.
After the afternoon training session, Kakashi went to buy an alarm clock. He absolutely couldn't afford to be late again tomorrow.
Kakashi didn't train tonight. He finished washing up at eight and went to bed. His thinking was that since he couldn't fall asleep until after three in the morning when going to bed at eleven, if he slept at eight, even if he couldn't fall asleep for four hours, he would still be asleep by twelve.
But when Kakashi lay down on the bed, he found that he couldn't sleep at all without even thinking about those things. Instead, various thoughts kept swirling in his mind, leading to a cycle of opening and closing his eyes uncontrollably, unable to stop thinking about various matters.
This time, in addition to contemplating the relationship between Ninja tasks, Kakashi was also pondering whether, in the next mission, he should save his teammates if Guy and Obito were in danger or continue with the mission.
Ding! Ding!
In his drowsiness, Kakashi heard a crisp sound, instantly waking up when he thought of going to train with Mutsuki. Perhaps due to lack of sleep, Kakashi could feel the soreness in his eyes just by keeping them open.
With his eyes closed, Kakashi finished washing up, then had breakfast and quickly headed to the Southern Border Forest for training.
This time Kakashi wasn't late, and he wasn't the last to arrive either.
"Huh, Kakashi, you're not late today," Obito said with some surprise upon seeing Kakashi's figure after arriving.
"Don't compare me to you," Kakashi replied calmly.
"If I'm late, it's because I'm helping the elderly. I won't be late just because I slept in," Obito retorted.
Although Kakashi wasn't late today, the lack of sleep had left him in poor spirits, resulting in subpar training effects. Mutsuki could see that Kakashi's withdrawn mood was becoming more severe.
In reality, Mutsuki knew that Kakashi's issues hadn't been fully resolved. It was just that here he had one of his few friends and a warm-hearted sensei in Mutsuki, coupled with the heavy training tasks, which suppressed Kakashi's problems.
Mutsuki could also understand Kakashi. Kakashi was only seven years old when his idolized father committed suicide due to criticism at home. It would be strange if he didn't experience depression and withdrawal at such a young age.
"This requires strong medicine to cure," Mutsuki thought to himself.
Healing heart scars of Kakashi's caliber gently is difficult; perhaps one day, due to some words, he might spiral down again.
Mutsuki felt that Kakashi needed to face a life-threatening crisis, understand his truest feelings, and feel the human warmth from his companions to have a chance at complete healing.
"Why do you seem so worn out, Kakashi? Just a little training and you're already this exhausted. If you tried my current training, you'd probably drop dead," Obito noticed Kakashi's apparent fatigue.
"Just not feeling great," Kakashi adjusted his expression calmly, but the fatigue in his eyes was difficult to conceal.
"Kakashi, come back with me later. I'll cook something to help you with your condition," Mutsuki suggested.
Seeing Kakashi not feeling well but still getting a meal offer, Obito chuckled, "Yumi-sensei, I'm not feeling too good either, so how about..."
Smack!
Mutsuki's finger accurately tapped Obito's head, then he ruffled Obito's hair and said, "Just saying you want to eat together would have sufficed."
"I want to eat together," Obito quickly said, rubbing the spot where he was tapped.
"Let's all eat together," Mutsuki said to all his disciples.
No disciple would turn down Mutsuki's cooking, so everyone agreed.
After the meal, Obito and Kakashi started their usual banter. Obito said Kakashi was too weak, unable to handle training for even a bit, while Kakashi retorted that Obito's brain was rusty, finding it hard to imagine scoring below twenty in theory.
"Obito, if you're concerned, you could just be straightforward about it," Rin said with a gentle smile, trying to smooth things over.
Addressing Kakashi, Rin continued, "Don't be fooled by Obito's facade. He actually cares about you. Yesterday, he even discussed with me whether you were sick, saying that someone as talented as you shouldn't be late."
Kakashi showed a surprised expression. Obito actually called him talented, which made Kakashi doubt the authenticity of the situation.
Seeing Rin revealing his secret, Obito's face quickly turned red. He waved his hands and said, "Rin-chan, you must be mistaken. I would never say something like that."
Seeing Obito's reaction, Kakashi felt that what Rin said might be true.
"My dear friend, your youth seems to have cooled down recently," Guy said seriously.
Kakashi didn't know how to respond. He felt frustrated with himself for letting such matters interfere with his normal training.
After everyone left, Mutsuki called out to Kakashi and said, "Why don't you stay at my place tonight? I have something to talk to you about."
Kakashi hesitated for a moment, then nodded.
...
"Kakashi, if you don't mind, share your recent troubles with me. Although I may not be able to solve them, it's always better to let it out," Mutsuki asked after bringing Kakashi to the living room.
Kakashi was silent for a moment, then spoke up:
"Yumi-sensei, do you genuinely believe that White Fang is a qualified ninja, not a failure?"
Kakashi stared into Mutsuki's eyes, wanting to ensure the sincerity of Mutsuki's answer.
"No matter how many times you ask, my answer remains the same. White Fang is a qualified ninja who embodies his own ninja way," Mutsuki said earnestly, looking into Kakashi's eyes.
"Then why do people still criticize him, even the comrades he saved?" Kakashi asked, puzzled.
The root cause of his dilemma over whether a ninja is qualified or not lies in his inability to reconcile with his father's death.
"Because White Fang's ninja way conflicted with the village's rules. For the village, priority lies in interests, so ensuring the success rate of missions is crucial. Ninjas who can accomplish missions are considered good for the village. But White Fang is different. He has his own beliefs. For him, the lives of his comrades are far more important than any mission."
"Right and wrong are inherently subjective. For me or for White Fang, we may believe that we've done the right thing, but others may have different judgments."
"Of course, White Fang receives so much criticism not only because the mission failed but also because he is Konoha's White Fang," Mutsuki replied.
"It's not solely one person's mission. Therefore, all the blame cannot be placed on one person. White Fang was just the most prominent ninja in that mission."
"The greater the fame, the more criticism one must bear?" Mutsuki's response was too realistic and dark, making it difficult for Kakashi to accept at first.
"Reality is always more cruel than we imagine. But you don't have to think too much. I believe that even if White Fang were given another chance, he would still choose to save his comrades first and then do his best to complete the mission," Mutsuki said with great sincerity.
"Other people's opinions are ultimately theirs. As long as you have a clear conscience, that's what matters. Stick to the beliefs in your heart."
Was White Fang's suicide due to a lack of psychological endurance from being criticized? Mutsuki didn't think so. He believed that White Fang's suicide was a result of his collapsed beliefs.
With too much information received tonight, Kakashi thought he might have trouble sleeping again. However, tonight he slept very well.
"Since usually it's just me living here, there's only one bed. Fortunately, you're still young, so there shouldn't be any sense of crowding," Mutsuki said, pulling Kakashi onto the bed to sleep.
Sleeping on the same bed with someone other than family for the first time, Kakashi inexplicably felt a sense of peace.
"After all, it's Yumi-sensei," Kakashi thought to himself, and soon fell asleep once drowsiness set in.
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