Chapter 84: Chapter 84: Really?!
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'I'm pretty sure they're the most common names in the world. Well, it's either Lee or Wang as the most common surname, but Muhammad Wang would just sound silly.'
"I know what you're thinking," Harry said. "Why is a white guy who speaks perfect Italian called Muhammad Wang? I mean, 'why is a white guy who speaks perfect Italian called Muhammad Lee?' Well, the answer is that I was conceived during a foursome including my mother, a white guy, an Arab, and a Chinese guy, and since I came out white, my mother felt the need to include the others, too, but didn't know their names, so guessed."
Harry smiled, picked up his drugged drink and gulped it all down. He felt anti-apparation wards appear as someone activated a wardstone. 'What's in the drink?'
Loki was silent for a moment. 'A powerful sedative. It would take a normal person down in about ten seconds. It won't affect you, but I will help you simulate its effects so we are captured successfully.'
Natalia still wasn't looking very scared. She was definitely a SHIELD agent. Or a weirdo. "That's…interesting."
"I am very interesting—eccentric, too. It distracts people and makes them underestimate me."
Harry surged forward before the woman could react, grabbed her by the hair, and smashed her face against the bar.
In the same move, he flung his glass across the room with deadly accuracy, shattering it against another agent's head.
He ducked as someone attempted to tackle him, letting them crash against the bar before picking them up by their shirt and throwing them into another attacker.
He grabbed a beer bottle by its neck and dashed forward again, smashing it on a man's forehead. He went to stab him in the gut with it but stopped—he didn't want SHIELD to be too angry at him.
Instead, he dropped the bottle and faked a stagger—even if he was a "metahuman," the drug should've been affecting him by now. Two taser barbs caught him in the back and he tensed as a wave of electricity pulsed through him. Neither he nor Loki did anything to counter it, so he collapsed stiffly to the ground.
After a few moments, he closed his eyes and let himself go limp. Combat boots pounded against the floor and his arms were pulled up behind his back before being clamped in a pair of handcuffs that would've taken him about half a second to escape from.
It took seven and a half minutes for Harry to grow bored of pretending to be unconscious whilst idly listening to the American-accented English around him.
He resisted the urge to break out of his cuffs and massacre everyone in a blizzard of icy power, and instead drifted off into his own thoughts and let Loki keep an eye on things.
A few hours later, after a car ride and a helicopter ride, Loki nudged Harry back into consciousness.
'We are at a high altitude,' Loki said. 'I am not sure what we are in, though. It does not feel like a plane, but there is very minor movement that would not be found if we were in a high-up or tall building.'
Harry probed around for wards. The anti-apparition wardstone was nearby. There were no others—nothing would be able to stop him from using the Portkey embedded in his left forearm. These people most definitely didn't know he was a wizard.
After making sure that his illusions were still intact, Harry opened his eyes. He was sitting in a metal chair, and handcuffed to a table, in a room with all of its walls made up of black hexagons.
And in front of him was the reason that Loki had awoken him: a man in a black suit, Agent of SHIELD, Phil Coulson.
"Hello again, Mr Coulson. This time, I feel obliged to tell you that I'm going to escape in"—Harry glanced at his watch and then remembered he didn't own one and they would've confiscated it anyway—"two minutes and thirty-three seconds."
Coulson raised an eyebrow. "Are you?"
Harry shrugged. "Probably not. It just seemed like a cool thing to say."
"Of course. And I feel obliged to tell you, that should you attempt to harm me—"
"I will be torn to shreds by a pack of bald eagles?"
Coulson paused. "What?"
"Oh, sorry, I meant a convocation of eagles. All of these bird plurals confuse me."
"That's not what I was asking about."
"Well, the bit about them tearing me to shreds was hyperbole. They'll probably only maim me."
"You don't seem to be very worried about being captured."
Harry grinned. "That's because I'm not worried. You see, me saying that I was called Muhammad Lee was actually me concealing my real identity, who is more than capable of escaping SHIELD."
"And what is your real identity?"
"Muhammad Ali."
Coulson was silent.
Harry sighed. "Fine, I'm not really Muhammad Ali. I'm actually the reincarnation—"
"Anyway, getting back on topic. You were discovered by SHIELD because you were—"
"Yes, yes, I know. Using my cool powers to kill gangsters in Rome who didn't think I was cool enough to join their gangs. And because of said cool powers, you want to recruit me to the Avenger's Initiative."
Coulson seemed to be actively avoiding looking surprised.
"Oh, don't be so shocked," Harry said. "You didn't think that I randomly began to kill random gangsters again in the same place a few years after you almost caught me? Even I know that's stupid, and I've gotten brain damage so many times that I've gotten brain damage so that I don't remember whether or not I've gotten brain damage before."
Coulson glanced at the roof where Harry didn't doubt there was a security camera.
He turned around and waved at it. "Anyway, I wanted to get caught, so that I could become a semi-member of the Avenger's Initiative. I know it is meant to combat extra-terrestrial and super-supernatural threats, and I don't want those killing me either. So I want to make a deal that whenever aliens turn up—especially those Asgardian wankers—you call me. If the threat is big enough, I'll reveal my true power."
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