Consequences. June 1976
Watching events playing out backward is quite weird thing to witness. It's like someone put movie on fast backward.
I passively watched years of Harry life going backward: last year and Hocruxes hunt, sixth year and Albus death, fifth year and Sirius death, fourth year and Cedric death, third year and Dementors, second year and Basilisk, first year and Voldemort Wrath, and then years of abuse at my sister house followed by James and my death on Halloween 1981.
But it did not stop there and keep rolling backward.
My pregnancy and then years of death of my friends at Death eaters hands. Seventh year at Hogwarts and dating James. Sixth year and death of my parents.
It all slowed down when it get back to the end of my fifth year, and put on pause right on another major day of my life: when Severus betrayed my trust and called me mudblood.
Slowly time started to play forward again.
Just being an adult and completely detached from the moment, allowed me to see what I missed before.
How my actions were quite superficial. How Severus actions were quite exaggerated.
Now It was quite obvious that both of us were under some influence and this realization broke my detachment with a fierce anger.
I watched how my younger self was fighting influence and crying herself out in a bed.
Time got on pause again and I got understanding that It was the moment when my soul got broken. When what ever curse or potion my younger self was fighting, won a fight and my soul got cracked.
Next moment I opened my eyes in my younger body back in my bed in Griffindor tower.
—
With a glass shattering sound I felt that curse got broken and dissolved in ambient magic flow.
The clarity of perception was so sharp that it startled me from my anger. My first breath in was so overwhelming that it brought tears to my eyes. The smell of female beauty products and clean lines mixed with summer notes that were comming from open window assaulted my senses.
It's when I saw how sharp my eyesight, it hit me that I saw every day of Harry life from his perspective.
It was wierd. I got memories of senses but not his thoughts. He lived very hard life and died before he reached his 18th birthday.
My sweet little baby lost forever.
—
It took me some time to calm down. Overwhelming grief, sadness and general weirdness of my current predicament were spinning in my head over and over and over.
It's only due to sharpness of my senses I was able to pull out of the spiral down circle of emotions.
Every breath, every movement, every bright colour and sharp smell were assaulting me and pulling me out back to the current moment.
It's only then I started to think logically. So yeah, I am back to the end of fifth year and Sev just called me mudblood. OWL exams were finished and in a few days we are going back to home.
Oh fuck, I am going to see my parents again. And Petunia. The burning hate, that I was still holding somehow towards her spike again. I will think about it later.
War.
Right now it's mostly on political level, but after this summer it's going to be harsher and first whispers of disappearances starts.
By the end of sixth year lines are going to be draw and death become common appearance in Daily Prophet.
Hocruxes.
What should I do about that?
Definitely I should not rush. This issue is not solvable in day or month and any rush decisions could lead to early death easily.
Any trust that I had for Dumbledore died the moment it became clear that Harry always was sacrificial pawn.
And if I look closer to my years as part of the Order of Phoenix - we were all that.
Severus.
I believe today he is going to come before curfew to try to apologize again for the last time.
It circled me back to what I saw in that memory. He was under some influence. I hardly can hold it against him this time, but would it be safe to show that? Somebody orchestrated that situation and in original time it split as apart. I got soul wound and probably was affected for the rest of my life. Quite possibly same happen to Severus.
What should I do?
—
Hours later Marlene entered our dorms and sit next to me on my bed.
"How are you?" She asked gently.
"It's fine, don't worry much"
She just hummed and squeezed my hand. Conflicted look crossed her face and future memories got flashed in my head.
"What is it?" I asked already knowing that Severus is waiting outside of common room exit.
When she failed to answer, I asked again:
"Is it Snape?"
"Yeah, he wants to talk to you. He is waiting outside. Are you up to it? I can go and tell him that you don't wanna see him, like ever?"
"No, it's fine. I can do it myself"
"Oh? I thought I had to convince you to cut your ties"
That's exactly what she did last time around. Unfortunately I have to play along if I don't want to get cursed again.
"No. Don't worry. I will talk to him. Give me five minutes. I don't want him to see me like this"
"That's a spirit! I will see you after, right?"
"Sure darling" I rolled my eyes.
After quick walk to washroom and few dozen Beaty charms, I was walking down to common room with a quick note in my hand:
"Play along. Do cleansing ritual and take flush potion. First Saturday on our spot"
Quick look around common room confirmed that James is not here. I had a good guess where he is and his invisibility cloak.
As soon as I stepped out, I saw Severus. He looked like shit. I hope that it cleansing ritual with flush potion should be enough.
"Lily! I am so sorry"
His dirty hair, that I regularly reminded him to wash looked even more gross now. Puffy eyes and black circles made him look even less attractive. And he is sixteen. Stupid sixteen years old teenager with anger and abuse issues. Sweet Morgana.
He was looking in my stony face trying to gauge my reaction and find signs of hope for forgiveness.
"Lily… I did not mean it.. I was just so angry. You have to understand!"
"Stop"
I made quick steps to close distance between us and he flinched at my sudden action.
I grabbed his tie with one hand, while another hand found his to pass a note hidden behind our bodies.
"Snape. That's enough. You broke my trust. It's over. Get lost." With a step back I lightly pushed him away. At first I thought he did not get it. Then his face got expressionless and he squeezed his hand with the note hard.
With no extra words he turned around and marched out. As soon as he turn around corner I heard him speeding up and finally running away.
—
When I got back inside, I found Marlene watching me with a worry on her face. She was sitting next to Alice with Frank.next to them Mary was expressively sharing one of her stories, probably.
Just then I heard portrait slap against frame behind me again:
"Lily!"
Silence fall around common room. At this point probably everyone know what happen at the lake and they were eager for new development.
"What do you want James" with a sigh I turned around.
"Just want to tell you that you did a right thing. You had to cut snivellus out long time ago!"
It's just then I snapped. All boiled anger, frustration and stress spilled over. In a best expression of Ginny Weasley I pointed my want at him and with loud:
"Fuck off"
Cursed him with bat bogey hex.
Turning around to Marlene I said:
"I am going to sleep. I am fine, really. Just tired and need some time alone"
I stormed back upstairs while room broke with laughter at James expenses.
—
I woke up quite tired next morning, after very restless sleep that was filled with horror of my and Harry life's.
It's only when I got to bathroom and looked into mirror, I remembered that I am sixteen again. Young girl that looked back at me displayed no sign of hard life. Her soft skin, fierce green eyes and red hair were quite stunning picture of youth. It took me few moments to recognize myself. I forgot it all long time ago. It was quite funny to remember my insecurities about my look now. Back then I hated my freckles, my hair, my legs and that I got all red in face easily.
I took my sleeping dress off and marveled at my untouched by pregnancy body. My not quite developed yet breast was firm and bouncy and covered with freckles , my soft and non existen tummy showed no sign of stretching or bloating. Legs that ages ago I despised for being short, we're quite well matched with my statute and thigh gap brought focus to my clean shaved Fanny.
I forgot that I preferred it this way until I stopped doing it shortly after I started to date James.
James.
Since I was back in my body I did not really pay attention to him. It was like plain non emotional memory of him. Yeah I dated him, yeah we had a child and yeah we died.
No emotions what so ever.
Then it hit me HARD.
Until I started to date James, I was not interested in boys.
What a fuck.
—
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