Chapter 226: Chapter 226: Wisdom Incarnate
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15 June 1994, Longbottom Manor
"So, tell me, how have you been, Neville?"
The woman standing in front of Neville was a kindly young woman who had a warm smile on her face, "Seriously, that's what you're starting with? How have I been? What do you think?"
"I'd rather not make assumptions and understand things from your perspective. After all, we're just starting to know one another."
"Well, I tried to kill my potions professor in public. I was lied to, and manipulated by almost everyone I have ever met. I was publicly humiliated for over a year, everyone thinking that I was insane, and I proved them all right by casting a killing curse in the middle of a crowded area."
The woman's voice was calm as ever as he continued his rant, "You said a lot of things, but you never told me how you felt about any of it."
"You know exactly how I feel," Neville protested, "You probably know me more than anyone else. You invaded every single part of my mind and saw my deepest secrets. You don't need me to tell you something that you already know, Healer Jones."
It was perhaps one of the most moments of his life. After the third task, while his grandmother had been able to smooth things over, especially since no one was hurt from his curse, the DMLE insisted that his memories be analysed by a mind healer, who would report any irregularities. Until he got the all-clear, he would be under a glorified form of house arrest, unable to leave the manor.
Thankfully, the whole affair was confidential. Neville's grandmother had even gone to the healing guild to request their best mind healer, who happened to be surprisingly young for her skill. Neville was kept under sedation after the first scan. Apparently, the scar's influence was far more extensive than anyone expected, and they had to 'trim things up a bit', which took a fair bit of time. What was terrifying was the thought of what would have happened if Neville hadn't agreed to remove the crest. Would he have become a miniature copy of Voldemort by now?
Unfortunately, the scar was there to stay. Neville's Gran was searching for cruse-breakers for some reason to take care of it, but any influence it had on his psyche was gone. He felt the difference when he woke up; everything was clearer. He felt calmer, more collected. Neville had hoped that this would have been it, but apparently, Neville's mentality, which allowed the scar so much influence in the first place, was still the same. That meant that the scar could regain its influence once more.
Neville's grandmother started teaching him Occlumency, but it was a very hard field to master, especially considering that his mind was being attacked from within, which necessitated a very high degree of mastery to combat.
With progress being so slow, and the fact that Healer Jones just wouldn't sign off on letting him get back to society, the only solution was mind-walking sessions, which were essentially a fancy way of saying 'talking' sessions. Apparently, there was an art to it even if Neville didn't see what was artful about just talking.
The healer seemed unperturbed by his response, "Perhaps what you're saying is true. But if we were to proceed, it would be better for you to voice your feelings instead of repressing them."
"This is a waste of time," he grumbled.
"Perhaps. You only have to convince me that you're ready to get back to the world and I have to say that you aren't doing a good job at it. It's either this or we put you on a potion regimen that would make you a happy little vegetable at best."
Neville refused to say anything, and the woman continued, "Look, I don't have to be here. Your grandmother asked me to be here, and I think that you want me to be here. I am someone who will not judge you, who will not lie to you, who will keep your secrets, and most importantly, who is on your side. And I'm not asking for much here, only that you give this a shot."
The former Longbottom scion just stayed silent once more, trying to think of a response, before sighing and deflating, "Fine. How is this supposed to work then?"
"We just talk. That's all there is to it. We can talk about whatever you want."
Neville snorted bitterly, "You want me to whine about my dead parents, about the toad I got from Uncle Algie that I ended up setting loose so that I wouldn't have to bring it to school?"
"If that's what you want to talk about, sure. But I have a feeling that there are things more important to talk about. In the end, we can only find out what's truly important to help you heal after we start talking. So, tell me, what's on your mind? What do you really want out of this?"
"I want to get better. I don't want to lose control anymore, to let that thing take over… I'm angry, I think. I don't even know what I'm angry at. I think most of all, I'm scared. I'm terrified that I would lose control again and that there wouldn't be any way back. I'm scared of really hurting someone… I want to be myself again."
"Now, that's an excellent goal," Healer Jones responded, "Not a lot of people have a clear idea about what they want to achieve. Now, all we have to do is to see how to fulfil that goal."
"That's easier said than done."
"Perhaps, but let's try something. Tell me about your time in Hogwarts. And I don't mean just this year. I mean your entire experience in the matter."
Neville stiffened before relenting, "I was nervous when I first came here. All my life, all I experienced was just the manor. I tried to hide it under such an obnoxious persona. I was such an idiot back then. I was so taken with what everyone's expectation had of me that I built a personality around the boy who lived, the one in the books, and I think that I started to believe it myself."
The woman just motioned him to continue, "I was so reckless back then. I was for years. I wanted to prove to everyone that I wasn't a fraud, that I could be the boy from the stories. I got caught in so much trouble. I fought the Slytherins like a hero should have. Then I think I got caught up with Quidditch and forgot about the whole thing, except at the end of the year where I ended up facing Quirrell. Now that I think about it, Dumbledore probably arranged the whole thing."
"Tell me about your friends, at the time," the woman spoke up.
"I had two really close ones. The rest were just hanger-ons, I can see that now. There was Ron. He was everything I wanted in a friend, back then. He followed me around, helping me get into trouble and have fun. He had my back through every adventure we had back then. Hermione though, I treated her horribly, especially in my first year. I don't know why she stuck with me. She was as desperate for friends as I was. The issue was that I was convinced that everyone else was actually my friend. I was wrong. But even when everyone called me crazy, when people thought I was attacking students, Hermione had my back. I failed her immensely, and I do blame myself for not paying enough attention to her that she was being possessed without me knowing about it."
Healer Jones hummed, "So, in your opinion, who do you think was the better friend?"
"Hermione, definitely. She kept pushing me to be better. She didn't care about my position in the wizarding world. I think that she would have been the only one who would have stayed with me, even after all I had done. She would have been disappointed, of that I have no doubts, but she wouldn't have left me, not when everyone else had."
"You mean despite your disinheritance…"
Neville gritted his teeth, "Yes. Every member of my family other than my grandmother, has given up on me. The rest of the magical world will do the same when they figure it out and they inevitably will. One day, being the boy who lived wouldn't be enough, and I'd be truly alone. The only true friend I ever had has suffered a fate worse than death. What will I have then?"
"Your grandmother, for one."
"I don't deserve her, not after what I've done. I have done nothing in my life but disappoint her. I see her and I can tell just how much she misses my dad and my mom; how little she sees of them in me."
For the first time, the healer scoffed, "Is that so? Then why is she doing so much for you after disinheriting you? She loves you and you need to accept that no matter what happens you'll always have her on your side."
"And what if I lose control again?"
"Then she'll forgive you again. Now, let me ask you a different question and I know that it's a bit of a sensitive one. Tell me about Harry Potter."
Once more, Neville was taken off-guard, "I don't understand what he has to do with anything?"
"Quite a lot, I believe. At every defining moment in your life, he's been involved somehow. His impact on your life has always been very significant. You have to admit that you hold a lot of positive and negative feelings towards him."
Neville didn't speak for a good minute, trying to collect his thoughts, "I suppose it was envy, at first. I always imagined we would have become brothers. I looked forward to meeting him, you know. And then he went to Slytherin, and he never even tried to befriend me. I guess I hated him for that. We never really spoke to each other until after the Chamber. After everyone else abandoned me, after Hermione was gone, I clung to him. I thought it was odd just how quickly he agreed to let my actions pass, but I didn't want to jeopardize the only friendship I had at the time. I guess now I know that he felt guilty about making me think I was crazy. Looking back, there were signs. Our whole friendship was built on his indulging me…"
"Tell me, how did you feel about the fact that it was him that warned you about your scar?"
"I don't know. He's why my grandmother disinherited me, but in doing so, he probably saved my life. He ruined my reputation but saved my soul. Not that it helped anyway, I still let my scar influence me, despite his warnings, and almost killed someone because of it."
The older woman hummed, "We'll go back to the scar later. Instead, I want to focus on your feelings towards Harry. The contrast between his betrayal and him saving you must be very confusing."
"That's one way to say it. It's hard to put it into words. I don't think I can even try to describe it. I just don't understand his actions. He didn't have to save me, but he did. But the way he convinced me that I was insane… It was like he didn't care at all."
"Did you think that Harry didn't care about you at first but grew to like you when your friendship blossomed? He betrayed you before your friendship even began… The question is whether or not he would have done the same if you had been friends at the time. Just think of it until our next session."
Neville's eyes widened, "We're already done? We haven't done anything yet?"
"Yes, it's been an hour. I'll see you in a few days, Neville. This type of healing is quite so. However, I think that a good part of why it was so easy for you to give in to the scar was because of how lonely you felt. And believe me, I pulled a lot of strings in the Department of Mysteries to make that happen, but I do have a solution."
Before he could say anything, the door behind him opened, and Neville couldn't help but stiffen a small sob as he recognized the bushy brown hair of the young woman.
"Hello, Neville. It's been a while, hasn't it?"
He blinked his eyes, trying to see if they were mistaken somehow. He pretty much croaked the response, "Hermione?"
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AN: Yes. She's back
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I tend to upload drafts of early chapters on there to get people's opinions of them so you can read up to 20 chapters ahead as a bonus.
Thank you guys for your support in these hard times.
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