Chapter 2: 2. Realization
Disclaimer: Not Mine. Like I said, if it belonged to me, 4.11 would have ended differently.
Here's the thing. I am ultimately on Team MerDer. I love them both with my entire being, both as a couple and as individuals. But, if it comes to choosing sides, I'm with Meredith. I love Derek. But, let's just say I hope Shonda puts him through hell when the show comes back on. He needs to feel remorse for his actions. That's just my opinion of course. ;)
A/N. This is about Derek after his date with Rose. Might he have a wakeup call? Maybe so.
Derek drove up the dirt road. The road he had driven up many times before. The same road he and Meredith had driven up the first time he showed her the trailer. The night he told her to take things on faith. Faith. She had faith in him. She was learning to trust him. And then his wife showed up. The wife she knew nothing about. The wife he had tried to make it work with for months because he had to be that noble guy. Tonight, however… tonight, Derek Shepherd felt anything but noble. He felt confused. And hurt. And angry. But, most of all, Derek felt guilty. He betrayed her trust again. The trust Meredith had worked so hard to build up for him.
He parked his car and began to walk up toward the trailer. He heard Richard's door open. "It's late, Derek. Where have you been?", he asked in a concerned voice.
"I didn't realize I had a curfew, Chief", Derek said sarcastically as he walked over toward the Chief's trailer. He sat in a chair on the porch and ran his fingers through his hair.
Richard noticed that Derek looked troubled by something. "Are you okay?"
"What? Oh. Yeah. I'm fine. I'm just tired. I um…I went on a date tonight", Derek told him.
"With Grey? I thought I saw Grey leave with--"
"No. Not with Meredith. I took Rose, the scrub nurse…I went out to dinner with her", Derek said with a sigh.
"Oh. That's nice. How was it?", Richard asked him.
Derek shrugged. "It was good", he said unenthusiastically.
"Look, Shepherd. Are you going to tell me what's wrong or are you going to be vague a little longer?", Richard asked.
"It's, uh…it's been a tough day, Richard", Derek said, a sad look on his face.
"Well, what happened?", Richard asked, attempting to pry the problem out of him.
"This morning, I showed Meredith the plans I had drawn up for the house I want to build. Not for me. For her…for us", Derek told him.
"Oh", Richard said, still confused.
"They scared her", Derek said sadly, a pained look in his eyes. Deep down, he knew she had reasons to be scared. It all came down to trust. Taking things on faith. Meredith had been building up walls her whole life. To protect herself from the pain. Pain of people leaving her. Hurting her. Avoiding was her defense mechanism. She avoided to prevent the pain that, in her eyes, would inevitably come.
"That's a big step. Just…give her some time, Derek. Give her time to process it", Richard said kindly.
"That's the problem. How long am I supposed to wait?", Derek asked.
"Do you love her?", Richard asked, though he already knew the answer.
Derek nodded. "Yeah", Derek said, tears stinging his eyes.
"Well then, Derek, there's really no question here. You have to wait", Richard said sincerely.
"I just…I don't want to wait forever. What if, one day, I realize I've waited too long? And she…she's just never going to be ready", Derek asked.
"What if, one day, you regret not waiting? And it's too late to do anything about it. Because you never gave it a chance?", Richard retorted.
Derek let out a frustrated sigh as a tear escaped his eye.
"Look, Derek. I've had some time to look back on my life. And I can't help but wish I'd done things differently", Richard confessed. "Life is hard. And confusing. We have to make decisions. And sometimes, those decisions hurt other people." He paused. "I loved Ellis. But I also loved my wife. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I'd left her. I feel like I cheated her out of the happiness she deserved. Maybe if we would have gotten divorced twenty years ago, she could have found someone else. She could have had children. She could have been happy. But…that's not what happened. I stayed with my wife. Because it was the noble thing to do. But, the more I think about it, the more I realize that there's more than one way to be a noble guy, Derek."
"I'm not noble, Richard", Derek said shaking his head.
"Derek, listen to me. There's always a million reasons why we do the things we do. Sometimes we do what we think is right. Other times, we just make mistakes. We're human…we're flawed."
"I just…I don't know what to do anymore", Derek said, leaning up in his chair.
"Take a step back. Try to get some perspective. You showed her house plans. And they scared her. I don't want to take sides in this, Derek. But you have to admit to yourself that her fears are justified. You betrayed her trust in you before…with Addison…"Richard said, being completely honest with him.
Derek let out a heavy sigh. He knew everything Richard was telling him was the truth.
"If I've learned anything about relationships, it's this…don't take them for granted. If you're in love, you have to fight for it. Maybe if I had fought harder for my marriage, I would be at home with my wife now. Not here, living in a trailer…no offense. But, my point is, deciding whether it's worth the fight", Richard said.
"I know it's worth the fight. She's worth the fight", Derek said softly before pausing. His mind flashed back to his conversation with Thatcher.
She's tough, she tries to hide it. She's difficult but if you make an effort, she's worth it. She's worth the effort.
As he reflected on that conversation, Derek couldn't help but wonder what had happened? They were together then. They were happy. They slept in the same bed. He made coffee in the morning, had his own drawers for his clothes. They were a couple. The "leave your toothbrush over" kind of couple. How did they get from there to here?
Richard recalled what Meredith had told him yesterday. Meredith was that person in Stan's wife's story. The one that gave her the worst news of her life. To her, that's who she would always be. Richard interrupted Derek's thoughts. "Meredith…she's been through a lot in life. People have hurt her…abandoned her…betrayed her. Don't be that person, Derek. Don't be that person in her story…instead, be the one who stuck by her, and loved her, even when things were hard. Be the one who made her believe in love."
As Derek sat there processing what Richard had told him, realization finally came over him. He could no longer deny. He had to take some blame for the situation. He was the reason they got from there to here. At least partially. Meredith wasn't ready. And that wasn't solely her fault. He caused that. He's the reason she no longer believed in forever. In her story, he's the person who ruined the fairy tale. With this thought, Derek's vision was blurred by tears. "I want her to believe in that, Richard. Knowing I'm the reason she doesn't…I can't…no, I won't be that person. I could never live with myself knowing I gave up on her."
"Then don't", Richard said simply. "Giving up…it doesn't take the pain away. It only causes more. Make it work, Derek. Talk to her. Tell her that you love her. And keep telling her. Even if she can't say it back, you should tell her. But most importantly, you have to wait."
Derek looked up at him and gave him a faint smile. "I love her, Richard."
"I know", he said warmly.
"Thank you", Derek said as he stood up from his chair, running his fingers through his hair.
Richard just nodded with a smile. "You're welcome. Look, I love Meredith too. She's the closest thing I have to a daughter. I want to make sure she's happy, and cared for. Not that she can't take care of herself, but…I just…I don't want her to end up like me…I have an obligation to her, like a parent has for a child. All any parent wants in life is to see their child happy. And I know you're the one who can do that, Derek. So don't let me down. And more importantly, don't let her down."
Derek nodded. "I won't, Richard. I'm not letting her go again."
Both men said goodnight and Derek walked back to his trailer.
As he lay in bed that night, he couldn't help but wish Meredith was there, her warm body curled up next to his as he held her tightly. He wanted to do that every night for the rest of his life. He wanted her to know that he loved her, and nothing would ever change that.
When he rolled over, he noticed the extra set of blueprints sitting on the chair. He had left the other copy at Meredith's house, hoping that she might want to look at them again eventually. When he closed his eyes, he pictured the house. The house that overlooked Seattle. It was a big house, with lots of bedrooms. The master bedroom for him and Meredith. The others for their kids. The thought of kids brought a smile to Derek's face. Being a husband and father was his greatest dream. And he knew exactly the person he wanted it with. Meredith. There was no one else that could take her place. Derek couldn't imagine his future without Meredith Grey.
A touch of fear came over him. What if Meredith wouldn't take him back? What if she was done trying? What if she wouldn't listen to what he had to say? Sure, they weren't technically a "couple" when she found out about him and Rose. But, they both knew. They knew they were in love. And he betrayed that love. He hurt her…again. Meredith…she didn't do that to him. She was trying. Trying to make a future possible for them. But he failed to see it. He just hoped he wasn't too late. Derek wanted to be the one in her story. The one that proved that true love does exist.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow, he would talk to her. He had to. Meredith Grey is the love of his life. He couldn't lose her. Not again.
So, Derek Shepherd got his wakeup call. I hope you liked this chapter. This was originally a oneshot, but I decided to continue it because I need something to happen between them. So, this is my continuation of season 4 I guess. I really struggled with this update. I didn't want it to sound fake or cheesy. I tried to keep it realistic and true to character. I hope its okay.
Also, I watched Drowning on Dry Land and Some Kind of Miracle over the weekend. It actually made me feel better. It rekindled my belief that Derek loves Meredith more than anything else in the world. Seriously, watch those episodes. They'll help you. :)
I'll try to update as often as possible. Life is busy these days.
Reviews make me happy. :)
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