Chapter 9: Chapter 9 A full suitcase
‘Hey, Bruto, are we there yet? I’m getting hungry.’
‘You shut up and move your feet, Grasso. You’ll eat when the job has been done and not a moment before.’
‘But my stomach is growling.’
‘Let it growl or you’ll feel my fist on your face!’
When I saw these two strange guys in my garden I didn’t suspect the mess I was getting in. But I have to admit their appearance was funny enough.
The first one was extremely ugly with a huge wart on his nose. The other, fat and covered in sweat, resembled a pig. They were wearing shiny jackets and well ironed shirts. Ι didn’t know then what a mobster was, otherwise I would have known at once that’s what they were.
If you had asked me back then what two such guys wanted in the garden of a haunted house, I wouldn’t have been able to answer. They seemed to move with ease and to know my layout even though they hadn’t been around these parts before. That could only mean one thing: they had seen a photo or some plan of me before. That was not so strange. There had been a lot of comings and goings lately in my garden. A lot of nosy newsmen had been trespassing. They were all dying to take photos of me, the famous haunted house. All that publicity wouldn’t be a problem if it didn’t make me a magnet for all kinds of weirdoes.
These two though were not at all like the others that usually came to see me, freaks, weird researchers etc. I was used to these types. But these two had a huge suitcase with them. The fat one was carrying it under the watchful eyes of the ugly guy with the warty nose and they both looked nervous and in a hurry, as if they were up to something.
‘Bruto, you don’t mean to say we are really getting inside that house,’ said the fat man a bit frightened. ‘They say it’s full of ghosts!’
‘You’d better pray Don Pedriliano doesn’t find out what we’ve done or we will become ghosts ourselves. Now move it!’ said the ugly one.
‘But what I don’t get is why out of all creepy, run down places in Italy we had to pick this one to hide our money.’
‘Why?’ repeated the other impatiently. ’I’ll tell you why, you idiot: because that’s exactly what a bunch of dupes like you believe, that this old place is haunted, filled with vampires, monsters and the like. It’s all nonsense of course, stories for little children but for the time being they are to our advantage. Even Don Pedriliano and his men won’t set foot here. That means our money will be safe for a while.
‘That’s nice. But, since you are so clever and I’m so dumb, why don’t you tell me how we’ll get inside?’
‘With the key the real estate agent has given me of course,’ said the ugly man. ‘When I told her I’m interested in renting it, she couldn’t contain her joy. She almost kissed me, the stupid trout.’
‘And do you really intend to rent it?’ asked Grasso at a loss.
‘Of course not. No one would want to live in this house. It seems that this shack in some mysterious way drives away everyone who even thinks of living here. No, I’ve thought this through. Trust me! Our money is completely safe here. Even Giacometti doesn’t dare to enter this house alone. But even if someone does get inside, he won’t go searching where I’m thinking of putting it.’
‘Where is that?’
‘I’m putting it in the basement, the scariest part of this house. Who’s going to search in there? No one! Not unless the ghosts decide to go on a wild weekend, let’s say in Monte Carlo, and try their luck at the roulette.’
‘Ha, ha, ha, very funny, Bruto,’ laughed the fat man, ‘you are so smart.’
I must admit that the things I’d heard had captured my interest. I didn’t like much the idea of becoming a hiding place for the dirty money of those two crooks, but it wasn’t my habit to scare someone who had no intention of living in me.
Of course, after what has happened, I know it was stupid and naive not to scare them away, when I had the chance. But you’ll know exactly what I mean later.
Without delay the fat man and his ugly companion unlocked my front door. It opened with a familiar creak and they got in. Naturally the house was pitch dark, as my monsters weren’t big fans of extremely well lighted rooms.
Bruto didn’t seem particularly scared, much unlike the fat one who had almost wetted his pants. So afraid he was that I almost felt sorry seeing him sweating and whining like a baby. Of course his fear was lessened, when the ugly one turned on the light.
‘Bruto, do you swear that there are no ghosts here?’ asked Grasso trembling like a fish out of the water.
‘What are you? A three year old?’ replied the other but I could smell he was a little bit scared too.
‘Come on!’ said the ugly one. ‘The sooner we finish with this business, the sooner I can go and get plastered in some bar.’
‘Oh yeah, but let’s grab a bite to eat first!’ said the fat guy. ‘I’m starving here.’
‘According to the real estate agent,’ said Bruto ’next to the staircase there is a door leading to a corridor and to the basement. But the lights there don’t work properly. Did you bring those flashlights I told you?
‘I have them right here,’ replied Grasso.
‘Good, let’s get a move on then.’
‘Flashlights in my dark corridor,’ I thought to myself, ‘you are in for a surprise.’
Αs you can imagine my living darkness had by then healed itself and my boogeymen where roaming there once again undisturbed by humans. Τhey had οf course no intention of hurting either Grasso or the ugly one but I couldn’t deny them the thrill of a little scare.
So when the two geniuses opened the door to my basement and started crossing my dark corridor, my monsters began their old routine: little laughs, noises etc. Harmless fun of course, but the two blockheads got really scared.
‘Bruto, I think I’ve heard something,’ said Grasso, as if hit by electricity.
‘Shut up!’ said the other harshly. It’s just your mind playing tricks on you. When one walks like this in the dark one’s mind always plays tricks. You should have been more careful. You haven’t put new batteries in the flashlights like I’ve told you. From now on you’ll know better.’
‘But I have, I swear I have,’ complained the fat man.
‘So what happened then?’ said Bruto angrily. ‘Have the ghosts messed with them? Now stop talking nonsense and get moving!’
Bang!
Suddenly a hollow sound like two logs hitting each other echoed in the corridor and Bruto shouted full of rage: ‘You fell on me, you idiot!’ and smacked the fat man.
‘What are you smacking me for, Bruto?’ he whined ‘How can I see where you are in such darkness?’
‘It doesn’t matter,’ replied the other. ‘Look! I think we’ve reached the end of the corridor. Our troubles are over. We’ll hide the suitcase in the basement and we won’t have to worry about it again. I have to admit this old house is scarier than I’ve expected.’
‘I agree,’ replied the fat man. ‘Let’s get out of here while we have the time.’
‘You really are an idiot, aren’t you? The fact that it’s scary suits us, since we are not afraid of anything and makes things difficult for anyone who is.’
‘Yeah, we are afraid of nothing,’ agreed the fat man all the while trembling like a fish.
To make a long story short, the two fools had reached the stairway leading to my basement and some of my monsters were already there. Even though, unlike my dark corridor, the lamp there was lit, its dim light wasn’t strong enough to disperse the shadows. None of the two crooks suspected that dozens of invisible eyes were on them.
‘Good, everything goes according to the plan,’ said Bruto cheerfully. ‘Start looking for a hiding place!’
‘Can’t we leave it just anywhere and skedaddle?’ asked the fat man.
‘You idiot!’ said angrily the ugly one and slapped him again. ‘You think I’ll risk someone else spending my life’s savings. Years and years I do all the dirty work for Don Pedriliano pinching what I can when I can, risking to end up swimming in the river with cement shoes. And now when, after all these years, I have something put aside for my frail old age…’
‘I say you’ve put aside more than enough,’ said Grasso. ‘With all the money we’ve pinched from under Don Pedriliano’s nose we can live like kings for the rest of our lives.’
‘One more reason for us to be extra careful! His thugs are hardly the sweet and sugary type. They are brutal killers. And now start searching! If we don’t find a proper hiding place, we are not going anywhere.’
Things were getting interesting, so I thought I’d give them a hand. There was an ideal hiding place for their suitcase but it would take them ages to discover it without my help. There was a hollow spot in the wall of my basement and the bricks had started falling off. So, without much thought, I let one of them fall to reveal the spot to them. The brick fell making a huge thud and the two gangsters jumped out of their skin.
‘Mamma, I’m not staying here a minute longer! I think this place is really haunted,’ said Grasso.
‘Nonsense,’ replied the other. ‘Look! A brick fell on the floor and the wall behind it is hollow. I think, buddy, we’ve found the ideal hiding place for our money. All we have to do is to remove a few more of those bricks and put the suitcase there. Then we’ll put the bricks back in place and get out of here. No one will find out what we’ve done.’
‘Well done, Bruto, great idea! You are so smart.’
‘Yeah, if it weren’t for me …’ I laughed.
‘What was that?’ said Grasso frightened ‘I think I’ve heard a voice. It seemed that the whole house was talking.’
‘Nonsense,’ said the other, ‘I m sure it’s just the pipes. The pipes in these old houses make all kinds of noises. The house is talking, he says. You really are a twit, aren’t you?’ And with that he slapped the fat man again. ‘Now hurry! Start removing bricks and let’s get this over with!’
So the two mobsters began removing as many bricks as they could, in a hurry, until a big hole appeared on the wall. Then, having hidden the suitcase, they put the bricks back in place certain that no one could find out their secret. In a little while the last brick was back in its place.
‘That’s it. We are done’ said the ugly mobster wiping his sweaty forehead with his hand. Good job, Grasso. The savings of a life time are finally secured.’
‘That’s what you think,’ mumbled Draculeta who was hanging in the form of a bat from a thin pipe at the roof watching everything.
‘Who, who has spoken?’ stuttered the fat man. ‘This time I’m sure. Don’t tell me you didn’t hear it!’
‘I think you are right,’ said Bruto taking a small revolver out of his jacket. ‘Whoever it is will be in a boatload of trouble.’
‘Oooh, I’m sooo scared,’ giggled Draculeta.
‘What?’ saidBrutoturningtowardsGrasso. ‘Did you say that?’
‘I didn’t say anything,’ said the fat man scared out of his wits.
‘It came from above’ said jittery the man with the gun lifting his head up.
But a single look at Draculeta was enough to make him lose his nerve altogether.
‘Ahhh,’ he screamed, ‘a bat and I’m terrified of bats!’
‘Bruto,’ said the fat man ‘hasn’t it crossed your mind that she may have been the one who talked? It’s impossible isn’t it?’
‘I’ll make her shut up,’ screamed the mobster and with those words he took a shot at my good natured vampire.
One could say about Draculeta that she was not one to easily loose her temper, but to have someone shooting her in her own home didn’t amuse her at all.
‘Hasn’t your mother taught you that good boys never shoot at a lady?’ she screamed angrily and with a flap of her wings she flew down.
There, before touching the floor, she took her human form.
‘Bruto, what’s this?’ screamed the fat man. ‘Do you see what I see or am I having a nightmare? Please, tell me I’m having a nightmare!’
‘It’s some kind of trick,’ said the other at a loss ‘I don’t believe it.’
Draculeta, much unlike her usual calm demeanor and behavior, was properly upset. With her feet a few centimeters over the ground she floated in the air like vampires do, towards the two mobsters.
‘Don’t come any closer!’ muttered Bruto beside himself with fear ‘I’ll shoot again.’ And with those words he raised up his gun ready to shoot one more time.’
‘That’s what you think,’ said my vampire with a mysterious smile and with that she stretched out her hand and blocked with her finger the muzzle of the gun.
‘I think you are looking for trouble’ growled the gangster and without much thought pressed the trigger. With a huge bang the gun exploded in his hand. The man let it drop down with a shout falling on his knees in fear and pain.
Draculeta didn’t allow him to touch the floor. She grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and lifted him in the air.
‘I can see you have no manners,’ she barked showing her pointy, sharp teeth. Time for you to learn how to behave. I’m not used to drinking human blood but in your case I may make an exception.’
She didn’t mean it of course, but my good little vampiress was really mad. Now that I think of it, she might have meant it after all!
This dramatic scene was interrupted by the unexpected entrance of Bony. He had just finished his bath and was coming to the basement wearing his silk robe. He had a glass of whisky in his hand and a cigar in his mouth. He had been looking for Slimetooth, so that they might have their nightly game of cards in the living room. These two bon viveurs enjoyed their drink with light chitchat and the usual game of cards when there were no “others” in the house. By ‘others’ I mean of course the annoying humans that Giakometti usually discovered.
‘Draculeta, here you are! I thought you’d be out for your night moon bathing to work on your lovely paleness. Have I told you lately, my dear, that every day that passes you seem more beautiful to me? But I see we have visitors and living no less! How exciting!’
‘It’s, it’s a skeleton,’ stammered the fat guy.
‘Absolutely,’ giggled Bony, ‘that’s what you get from over dieting. But why should you care about that? It seems to me you are not in any danger.’
‘No,’ screamed Grasso and forgetting his friend, the suitcase and everything else he started running in a desperate attempt to escape.
Ηe pushed aside Bony, he crossed one more time my dark corridor with his heart in his mouth and disappeared into the night.
‘Wait, Grasso, you cowardly pachyderm! Don’t leave me here!’ moaned Bruto still hanging from Draculeta’s hands.
‘That’s enough, Draculeta,’ I said in a severe tone. ‘He’s learned his lesson. Let him go!’
‘So be it,’ she said ‘I won’t drink your blood now. But, if I see you again, I will squeeze every drop of juice out of you. That’s a promise.’
‘Yes, Ma’am, whatever you say, Ma’am!’ exclaimed the mobster and immediately run away, as fast as his legs could carry him.
‘Good riddance,’ said my vampire with something like a smile on her pale face. ‘They’ve forgotten to take their suitcase with them. I’m dying to find out what it contains. They were saying something about money, but I’m not sure. I say we take a look.’
‘Money,’ repeated Bony with interest. ‘Where is it?’
‘Let’s gather the others and decide what to do,’ said Slimetooth and immediately emerged from the shadows taking his usual flabby form.
In a few minutes all my monsters and some ghosts that I had gathered from the nearby graveyard after the exorcist had gone, were standing around the open suitcase examining its content. It was filled with packs of dirty money.
Perhaps you wonder how my monsters reacted to this booty. I must admit not very differently than anyone else in their place would have reacted. Greed and voraciousness had managed to sneak even into an honest house such as myself.
‘We are rich!’ screamed triumphantly Draculeta. ‘We are so rich! We can have whatever we want, we can see the world, we can buy beautiful clothes, eat at the best restaurants, we’ll go to grand balls and garden parties and we’ll hang out with all the celebrities.’
‘I say we build a pool in the garden,’ said Bony, ‘I can wear the swimming suit that makes me look so slim.’
‘Redecorate this dump,’ said Slimetooth. ‘No offense, house, but you are a mess. You need repairs and I won’t say rebuilding but …’
‘I want a fast racing car to run in the rally and a yacht to cruise the Mediterranean,’ said Redpaw with enthusiasm.
‘They’re bonkers,’ I cried. ‘Yacht he says! A demon cruising the Mediterranean! He’s certifiable.’
‘You are just insanely jealous because you can’t do it. It’s pure envy,’ said Redpaw.
‘That’s what I’m trying to say. You can’t do it either. As for you, Draculeta, do I really have to remind you that all you can drink is blood? Dinner at expensive restaurants is out of the question for you. I also feel the need to remind you that you drink rat’s blood, hardly the epitome of elegance in my opinion.’
‘Yes,’ admitted somewhat disappointed the vampire, ‘but what about the celebrities and the garden parties?’
‘You can’t do any of these things, because you are dead or to be precise undead. People will be scared to even be in the same room with you. They’ll be afraid that you might try to suck their blood when their back is turned.’
‘That’s pure racism. I’ll protest to the N.C.H.R (National Commission of Human Rights). It’s not fair to have all this money and not be able to spend it the way I want. As for you, Mr. Bony, and you, Mr. Slimetooth, you can forget all about redecorating me or building a swimming pool in my precious little garden. That’s how I am and I’m going to stay that way.’
‘That house is impossible,’ sighed the two monsters.
‘You have to accept the fact that you are monsters and your choices, when it comes to spending money, are fairly limited.’
‘The house is right,’ said Redpaw very disappointed.
‘Then there’s only one thing left to do,’ said bitterly Slimetooth.
‘Yes,’ said Draculeta.
‘Vacations in Monte Carlo shouted all my monsters like a chorus. Hurray!’
‘What?’ I screamed utterly confused.
‘Of course,’ laughed Redpaw.
‘If we can’t spend the money, we will lose it all at the casino.’
‘At the roulette,’ screamed Slimetooth.
‘Playing blackjack,’ shrieked Bony.
‘At the slot machines,’ said Draculeta dancing out of control.
‘And what will you do if you win?’ asked a ghost.
‘Maybe we’ll try our luck at the races,’ replied the monsters. That’s the good life: throwing away other people’s money!’
’But why on earth will you do that? Ι mean what can you possibly hope to achieve?’ I asked almost weeping.
‘We will see what people do when we are not around to scare them,’ explained Slimetooth.
‘It will be an experience,’ said Draculeta lost in her daydreaming.
‘Now listen here!’ I said ‘This is called mutiny and I’m not going to tolerate it. I am a haunted house, you are my monsters and you’ll do what I say. I tell you that you are not going to spend the mobsters’ money at the casino. And that’s an order.’
‘There is only one more problem that remains to be solved,’ said Redpaw ‘How will we get inside without drawing too much attention?’
‘I think I have a solution to this problem,’ said Bony ‘There is an old closet full of clothes in the attic, coats, hats, capes, gloves. If we wear these things, no one will know that we are monsters.’
‘Hurray, great idea!’ said Draculeta.
‘I think you’ve lost it,’ I said desperately. ‘You can’t be stupid enough to think that Bony wearing a long coat and a hat will fool people into thinking he is a human.’
‘Of course he will,’ said Slimetooth, ‘especially if he lowers his hat enough to hide his face.’
‘That is correct,’ said a ghost. ‘Besides, when you have loads of money and you spend it like there is no tomorrow, no one looks at you, everyone looks at your wallet.’
No matter what I said to change their mind, my monsters were determined to go on as planned. With screams, cheers and plenty of enthusiasm in a few minutes they were opening my closet to find appropriate clothes for their masquerade. Draculeta wore a feathered hat and an old fashioned dress covered with bows and ribbons.
‘Beautiful!’ commented Slimetooth full of admiration.
Bony wore a trilby hat that he lowered in a way allowing him to conceal his features. He also put on a slightly tattered trouser that he fastened to his skeletal hips with a leather belt after adding with a spike he found several more holes to it. And finally he covered himself from head to toe with a long coat. He also wore a pair of gloves to conceal his bony fingers.
Slimetooth also dressed up as best he could. Only Redpaw didn’t wear any of the clothes.
‘Are you going to stay like that?’ asked the others.
‘Exactly,’ he replied with a cunning smile, ‘but, in the end, my costume will be better than all of yours. You’ll see.’
‘How will you do that?’ asked Draculeta.
‘I think I get it,’ said a voice.
It was Rot the Abomination, who at that moment came out of the shadows where she had been chewing a fat spider.
’If he does what I suspect he’ll do, Redpaw will be the only one who will not be in any danger of someone discovering his true identity,but what about me? Will you not take me with you?’
‘You want to come too?’ inquired the others. ‘There aren’t enough coats to go around,’ said Bony in a firm resolute tone. If we take you, then all my skeletons, the boogey creatures and the ghosts will want to come too.’
‘House, do you hear?’ said Rot angrily.
‘Leave me alone!’ I said. ‘Nobody listens to me anyway. If you ask me, all those who thought up this plan are certifiable nutcases. And so are you if you want to go with them.’
‘I wanna go, I wanna go, I wanna go I tell you,’ she said and started whining like a spoiled toddler when his parents don’t buy him the lollipop he wants.
‘You shut up. We are not taking you with us, no matter what,’ said Bony.
‘And how exactly do you plan to go to Monte Carlo? Hitchhike maybe,’ I giggled.
That of course was an attempt of mine to ridicule the whole situation, but my monsters didn’t seem to find that idea all that bad.
‘Why not?’ said Redpaw ‘What prevents us from getting out on the highway and do the old sign? Surely someone will want to give a lift to a harmless group of monsters.’
‘That’s it! They’re nuts, they are absolutely nuts!’ I commented.
‘You think you’ve defeated me, my dear Bony,’ screamed Rot who all this time was boiling inside. ‘You think you can humiliate me without paying the price. You know what I have to say to that? You’ll pay, you will all pay dearly. And now I’ll laugh satanically to emphasize my terrible promise. Ha ha ha ha…’
And with her laughter still echoing in the staircase Rot disappeared in the lower floors.
‘You just can’t reason with her,’ said Draculeta.
‘Ohhh, I’m shaking,’ shouted my skeleton, ‘you’ve really scared me. Don’t know how I’ll sleep at night. Oh I forgot I don’t sleep at night.’
‘But in the name of all that is reasonable and sane, my monsters, you cannot in your right mind say that you are going to desert me! You are afraid of the sun, remember? It may be nighttime now but what will you do when the daylight comes?’
‘We’ll hide,’ explained Slimetooth with a big smile.
‘But, you idiot, even so, when you reach the casino the bright lights will evaporate you in seconds.’
‘No,’ giggled the boogeyman ‘I will be well protected.’
‘Protected how?’ I asked more bewildered than mere words can convey.
‘Sunblock with high sun protection factor and sunglasses,’ said with a completely idiotic smile my boogeyman.
After that I knew that no argument, no matter how well founded, would be capable of convincing my stubborn and obstinate monsters.
No matter what I had said and done, after a little while the company of my beloved monsters opened my door to hit the road.
Gifts
-- Gift
received Weekly Power Status
-- Power
Ranking 
-- Power
stone