Chapter 14: Don't wake up

Nefretiri

This is too good. The way Ivan kisses me, it's too incredible to be real. It shouldn't feel so natural, and how could we know precisely how to move without awkward moments? It's all like a daydream coming to life... But, wait, oh gods, was I dreaming?

It wasn't an unthinkable idea. My world was full of misery, and there was no sign of escaping it. How complicated would it be for my mind to conjure the perfect man to come and save me? Someone just like Ivan, who wasn't just my ideal fantasy but who enjoyed all the things about me Ricky hated. The guy who would come right when I needed him and would promise me everything I thought I deserved.

The more I think about it, the harder it is to ignore the real possibility that I'm dreaming and I'll wake up on the couch. How could this be real? No one was this perfect! Ivan had only met me a few hours ago and planned to adopt Pen-Pen as his daughter. No one did that in real life. The facts hit me hard, and a whimper builds in my throat until it vibrates through the kiss. If this was a dream, I never wanted to wake up from it.

"What's wrong?" Ivan pulls away, his hands caressing my face, feeling the lines of my frown.

"Nothing." Gods, I don't want to break the spell of this dream. I don't want to wake up.

"Don't lie." Ivan holds both sides of my face and rests his forehead on mine, giving me his full attention. "What is it?"

"I..." I feel the power in his voice. The same one he'd used earlier that had the same effect on me. How is he real? He can't be. "I'm dreaming, aren't I? You're not really here; I'm still at home, and the alarm clock will go off any second."

I wait for Ivan to disappear, for the dream to change, but it doesn't. Instead, Ivan holds me closer, burying his face in my neck, and a strange, mournful sound vibrates along my skin. Like his wolf was trying to cry out, but his human larynx couldn't manage the noise. It was heartbreaking to hear, and my arms held onto him tighter. I'm not exaggerating when I say this. Ivan's sadness is worse torture than Ricky or the muffin tops ever managed with me.

"No," Ivan mutters the word into my neck before looking up again. I can only see the outline of his face in the dark, but I swear there's an almost crazed look to him. "You aren't dreaming. I'm here. You're not there anymore. I promise you're not going to wake up and find me gone. You won't disappear."

How he put that makes me wonder if Ivan didn't have the same anxiety I was. What had he gone through to be as sad as I'd seen him in the parking lot? How could meeting me change him so much? I see a glimpse of that sadness, and it's killing me. I only found out about mates a few months ago. But that didn't mean I understood any of this or how my emotions felt so tied to him. I needed answers because I was so lost.

"Ivan, why did you come here?" The question feels important. This wasn't a place you just stopped at because you wanted to do a pitstop here. Sure, Farmington was lovely, with some interesting places to visit. Still, New Mexico had larger cities on the way to California. "Why were you at the store?"

"One of my guys, the blonde teenager trying to catch fries? That's Greg. His car broke down outside the city, and he needs a few days to fix it." Ivan got up with me still in his arms. I tighten my legs around him, and he growls at me, but by the tone, it's because he likes it. "So, we're stuck here until then. As for why we were at that store, Blame my sister."

"Why?" Ivan walks to the other end of the picnic table, setting me down but not moving away. We're so close now. The only thing between us is our clothes. Is it crazy that I'm tempted to take something off? "You spent over a thousand dollars. There are nicer stores than that one."

"I know. Taylor wanted to stop at every single one. So, she and I got into it and kept passing them on purpose. When we argue, it gets pretty heated, and by the time we got to that store... I was preparing to let her get out and leave her there."

"Wait, you were going to abandon your sister in the middle of a strange city?" I can't help laughing at that. Of course, it was mean, but it seemed the kind of thing siblings did.

"She would've got a ride back with her mate. I was just fed up with the argument. What started with stores turned into everything wrong with me, and I just wanted a little time by myself. You know? Some peace and quiet."

"Instead, you found Penelope, me, and a lot of trouble." I don't know if he can see it, but I smile sadly. "I'm sorry."

"Don't, Nefra." Sighing, Ivan starts kissing my temple while he brushes back my hair. "I found the things I needed the most in my life—the people I was missing. So, if arguing with my sister led me to you, then I owe her an apology. Especially since we were arguing about you."

"Why were you arguing about me? You didn't even know me." I frown, cocking my head to the side.

"Well, not exactly you... Taylor was yelling at me that I needed to..."

"Find your mate?"

"No... That I needed to get over you..." Looking down, the werewolf Alpha seemed almost ashamed. "I need to share a lot about my life with you. And most of it isn't something I'm proud of."

"Can't be worse than being married to an abusive, cheating assassin who brings his mistresses to your house and makes you play Cinderella with them." I meant it to lighten things up, but it only dampens the already darkening mood.

"It might be worse than that." He tries to pull away, but I grab him, wrapping my arms around his neck so he can't escape me.

"Tell me. What's so terrible?" I should hear alarms in my head. It's never a good sign to hear a guy admit his life is something he's not proud of, but against my better judgment, I want to hear it. I don't want him to pull away from me. Not only his body but his presence. "I'd like to know."

"Okay," Ivan sighs heavily and looks at what's left of our food. "It's a long story, though. Do you want to stay here or go somewhere else?"

"We can stay here. No one knows where we are, right?" I miss Penelope, but at this moment, all I want is to be alone with this man, and I have no way to explain it.

"Alright, let me clear our trash up. We can finish eating, and I'll tell you everything." I nodded and finally let him go. I watch in the dim light of his phone as he grabs all the trash, taking it to the same trashcan I threw the remains of my ring into.

Mindlessly, I rub my fingers. It's been so long since I felt no pressure in my left hand. Ricky hated it when I took it off, even to get in the shower. It wasn't even my actual wedding ring. That was back in Texas in his mom's jewelry box. When I got pregnant, she offered to hold onto it until after the baby was born since my fingers were 'going to get fat.'

Strangely, I don't miss the feel of it like some women say they do. There are no feelings for it at all or Ricky. There is no guilt in my heart for leaving. My mind keeps telling me I should feel horrible for abandoning him and leaving my child with strangers. Still, I'm having a hard time holding onto that negativity. Honestly, I only want to let go of Ricky and forget I ever made that mistake.

"Ricky, I reject you." I don't know why I said it like that. Maybe because of what Ivan had said to me in the parking lot, but suddenly, I had a sharp pain going up my spine.

"What did you say?" Ivan runs back to me, seeming panicked.

"Oh... I was... I was rejecting my husband," I manage a weak smile. "I know it's stupid, but, you know, letting go."

"That... is actually an excellent idea." Ivan pins his body against mine, nuzzling me, and he goes for my neck. Without thinking about it, I wrap my legs around him again, sighing with relief. I liked having him this close. "You should definitely reject him."

"You act like that's some ritual I'm supposed to do." The word rejection keeps making me nervous.

"It is a ritual. At least for werewolves. I don't know about other races."

"Does... doesn't that mean you could reject me?"

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