Chapter 3: Memory 2 | Depend On Me
RAVI'S POV:
My gaze remained lingering on the beautiful view of the calm winter ocean while we waited for the roads to clear. All of our promotional activities for the latest comeback were officially over and the only thing left for us to do was leave for a solid vacation to get our minds off work as soon as we reach the dorm.
However, our supposedly relaxing holidays were a little delayed by the heavy traffic in the urban city of Seoul. Since it was a Friday night, most of the city dwellers were hyped up to return home for the weekends, I guessed.
At the end of a tiresome week, it must be comforting to have someone who'd be waiting for them. Whom they can completely depend on without any worries about the heavy workloads or the hardships of life.
I do have a home. I have a loving family, from whom I gain unlimited comfort and confidence to get through hard times. The streets I remembered running around, making friends, growing up, and falling in love... Those were all my rooms of immense comfort and I often find myself depending on my treasured memories from those places.
Well... everything back at home, was still the same as before. The playground, the coffee shop, the school and even the canola field which I worried would be destroyed for industrial purposes. Everything was still there. Every single memory was still there.
Except her.
She, the one I used to push swings for at the playground.
She, the one I used to spend hours with after school at the coffee shop.
She, the one I used to chase around in the canola field.
The person with whom I shared all my cherished memories. I wouldn't say that she's a part of my comfort zone, because she, herself was my own secret comfort zone in a way I could never describe with words. In her presence, I'd always forget all of my distress and downright depended on that comfort of having her beside me.
However, I only came to realize that truth, after I lost her for good that night. Since then, every time I returned home, my heart would desperately find an anonymous sense of belonging and it took me a really long time before finally discovering the source of it. What I was looking for was not the type of comfy that I'd normally feel around my family members but it was a totally different one.
The one that her smile alone brought whenever she catches me running towards her after a long day at school. The type of comfort which allowed me to be truly vulnerable and depend on that one person who could offer it. The type of comfort that only, my Mira could offer. However, I hadn't felt that in five long years and I can't help but crave more for it as years passed by.
"Lost in the Möbius strip of your own head, I see..." I snapped out of my monologue immediately at the sound of my best friend's voice.
Hongbin was looking at me with his I-know-what-you're-thinking expression as I attempted to shift in my position to face him completely. That's when I noticed the giant figure that was cuddled close to me the whole time.
"Ah... Jyani hyung..."
Our cute main vocalist was curled up beside me and I couldn't help but laugh at his adorable sleeping figure. Despite being older than me, he was still a child at heart and that innocent personality was often exhibited by him unknowingly. It always made me want to protect him. He whined cutely and snuggled even closer when I tried to push him away, earning laughter from both Hongbin and me.
"Aigoo... this hyung! I don't know why he loves doing that to me." I feigned annoyance while placing his head precisely on my shoulder so that he wouldn't fall.
"Why... Of course, it's because you spoiled him. Weren't you the one who used to be all clingy around Jaehwan hyung from the beginning? You both are the RaKen soulmates!" Hongbin exclaimed as he laughed at his own comment.
"At least that makes sense... But I was never clingy with this creepy hyung..."
Hyuk's faint voice came from behind. It sounded almost like a whisper, and I couldn't understand why at first. So, we turned around to find the blessed sight of our evil maknae being held in a death lock by Taekwoon hyung. Our second oldest and the supposedly scary Leo hyung was holding onto our youngest brother like a little kitten. However, what actually made us laugh was not the main vocalist but the sleeping figure of our oldest member and leader beside him.
N hyung was hugging Leo hyung and Leo hyung was hugging Hyuk. It seemed like a typical love affair in dramas except all of them were one-sided.
N hyung wanted to be with Leo hyung.
Leo hyung wanted to be with Hyuk.
And poor Hyukkie wanted to get away from both of them.
"Well... believe me when I say that VIXX is one hell of a weird family and I can't help but feel more grateful towards our Starlights for still loving us!" I nodded fiercely at Hongbin's statement while Hyuk whined helplessly from behind. Definitely, we are one hell of a weird group and I can never thank our fans for still supporting us despite the abnormalities.
"Yah! Quiet... Uli Daeguni is sleeping here, boys..." N hyung nagged even in his sleep and I couldn't help but burst into laughter with Hongbin.
For one moment, I found myself suddenly wondering what I'd do without them and I felt genuinely happy to be a part of my group. After all the trauma I've suffered from the memories of my past, they were the only ones that I could emotionally depend on because no one at home was aware of it. They've always been watching out for me and I felt really thankful to be a part of such an affectionate brotherhood. As though reading my mind, Hongbin reached out and patted my shoulder gently with his most sincere smile.
"Gwenchana... As long as we're with you, everything will be just fine. So don't think too much about what's already passed. Wonshik-ah..."
He repeated. "Gwenchana..."
"Ne... Ne... Gwenchana..." Even Jyani hyung murmured adorably in his sleepy state. I chuckled while patting his head slightly and continued chatting with Hongbin about random stuff like we always did as apprehensions crept into my head.
This... This is the new comfort zone that I've gotten used to in these past five years. The members have been my brothers who gave me the strength to depend on and made me laugh despite the pain and during my lonely times. I cherish this new comfort zone, and I really... REALLY don't want to risk losing it. However, my heart and thoughts can never stop crawling back in search of my lost comfort of solace and it's called Choi Mira.
At the end of the day, when I finally stop running, I know that my heart will always keep yearning for that one particular source of comfort that I once used to unconditionally depend on and now that she's gone, her memories have replaced that spot.
★★★
GIA'S POV:
"ANDWAE! JEOLDAE ANDWAE! This is not happening, Kang Gia! Not while I'm still alive! This discussion is over!"
The whole living room fell into pin-drop silence after that angry outburst of my ever so calm mother. The last time I saw her lose her temper like that was because of this very same topic and even after years, I guessed it still enraged her just as badly as before.
"But, it's not what you think it is, Lina! Gia is only going there to study as an exchange student, nothing more." Junho tried to persuade his stubborn wife to change her mind but it only made her even angrier.
"Exchange student? Jinja? Of all the places in this whole damn world, she had to apply for SOUTH KOREA? And who approved this before you submitted your application, Gia? I don't remember us talking about all this exchange student thingy?"
Her angry gaze averted onto me from her now silent husband. Of course, she won't remember this topic because I never discussed it with her in the first place. To be honest, I have no freaking idea of why my heart skipped a beat when my lecturer offered me this exchange program.
As a media and art student, I have been assigned to study diverse genres of music and theatre musicals all the time. And this time, my lecturer had finally decided to explore his all-time abiding interest in Asian music and theatre. Being the topper and lecturer's pet, I was the chosen one for this opportunity without any doubt but why did I choose South Korea over all other Asian countries?
I had no idea. The moment my mind saw the chance to go there, my heart immediately held onto that thought. Out of nowhere, I felt an urge to go there.
To find that place where my past resides.
To find that moment when my dreams fade out.
To find that one person whom my memories depend on.
To find him...
Although I had no valid reason to explain my mindset, I knew without a doubt that I had to take my chances and I felt really grateful when I told Junho about it and he supported my decision wholeheartedly. Then again right now, I felt really guilty for dragging him in between Lina and me.
"I did."
All three pairs of eyes in that room fell onto the older man. Even little Noel who was busy with his toys stopped to notice his always funny dad's abrupt serious tone. He wasn't in his usual jovial mood anymore. He was determined with what he supported and was ready to face its consequences called Do Lina at that moment. Whereas, Lina was literally fuming.
"Kang Junho-shi? What's wrong with you?" She crossed her arms sternly, getting all defensive at her always calm husband.
"Mwo-ya? I'm the head of this family. Why am I being interrogated for doing what I consider the right thing? Is this all the respect my decisions receive in this house?"
He rose from the seat with hands firmly in his pocket. His voice sounded stricter and even I felt a little intimidated by it. Noel dropped his toys and hurried to hide behind me. The little toddler looked really scared and that's exactly when I realized that I had to step in.
"Because I wanted to go to South Korea!" I stated loud enough to stop my parents from arguing anymore. Once again hefty silence spread in the air. Lina exhaled heavily before turning to completely face me. She was preparing herself to give me an earful but I rushed to her side and took her hands in mine before she could speak another word.
"Please let me do this. I... I can't live on like this... It is torture and you know it well than anybody else. So jebal... Try to understand my heart and please let me have one chance at this. Jebal eomma..."
Her warm hands tensed as I pleaded. I wasn't sure if my reasons convinced her or not, but my last choice of words definitely got her undivided attention. Although I see Lina as more than a mother figure, I still don't really call her like that, unless I have any heartfelt confessions to make. And this time, it was truly from the depth of my heart.
"Are you... Are you not happy with us, Gia?" Her previously angry eyes welled with unhappy tears. Her whole body tensed obviously. She was afraid of what my answer would be and I couldn't stand watching the one woman who loves me so much shed tears. So, I hugged her immediately.
"No! Not at all... I'm very happy here. This is my home and I love you all with my whole heart. And I can never repay you for your kindness. This affection and comfort you offer me are more than I can ever imagine. But... I can't help but feel lonely every time I get those dreams. I can't help but yearn for those lost memories. Even though it's just a dream, that place still has a whole different vibe. It feels like a long lost comfort zone that I feel completely dependent on. And I'm desperately looking for it without knowing. I love you, eomma. I love all of you so much. Just... Please just let me try my chance once."
Tears were rolling down my own cheeks as I confessed those heartfelt truths to her. She sighed in my embrace as we remained like that for a while. After a few minutes of sobbing, I could feel her shoulders relaxing slowly as she began patting my back with care.
"Arasso..." She said out of nowhere and I froze at her reply.
"Wait, what! That's all? Arasso? With no terms and conditions applied?" I asked in utter shock. She broke the hug and looked straight into my eyes as hers softened with care immediately.
"Just... Just make sure to be back home..." She flashed her ever so soothing motherly smile and I melted in the warmth of it as usual.
"EOMMA SARANGHAE!" I crushed her in a bear hug for which she giggled happily and returned the hug with the same amount of affection. As though reading the change in the mood of the room, Noel also began to giggle, clapping his hands happily. I carried my baby brother and began dancing with him as he giggled louder at every move. Junho and Lina were smiling from ear to ear while watching us, twirl and turn joyfully as Junho returned to his original goofy self.
"Alright! Enough playing children, we need to bring Gia for shopping. So Gia, go make a list of the things you would need, sweetie. We shall leave after dinner. Now hurry up!"
I hopped off to my room happily and started to do what I was told to do right away. After making a perfect list of the possible things I'll need to buy, I flopped onto my bed and faced the sparkly ceiling I decorated with Junho during my first Christmas in The States. Millions of thoughts were running wild in my head and my heart... My heartbeat felt a thousand times faster at the thought of going there. That place where my long lost memories resided. My own choice of words reverberated in my head again, as I contemplated them more.
"A long lost comfort zone that I feel completely dependent on..."
I couldn't deny that at all. Even if that dream was short and even if I was actually going to die in it, I still felt protected. My emotion at that moment was anything but fear. I was too calm and comfortable for a person who was about to die in a split second. I felt safe in his presence. I felt comfortable at the sound of his voice. I was completely dependent on the secured feeling of having him there with me and I didn't want to let go of it.
Him... That guy in my dream... My so-called escape from the reality that I have apparently created in my mind at the brink of death was the source of that comfort.
And I was blindly depending on him.
★★★★★★
| Title's Song ~ Depend On Me (VIXX - DEPEND ON ME) |
Weekly Power Status
-- Power
Ranking 
-- Power
stone