Chapter 43: Distraught
We sat out by the abandoned mill well into the night. The flames from Jeremiah's body where nothing but a cloud of smouldering smoke by the time we decided to leave. His ashes lay in a unleveled heap, red coals still lit from the fresh fire. It was hard to wrap my head around his death. It wasn't my first time dealing with the death of my soliders, but for some reason this one was different. A heavy wait rested against my heart, and it only increased the more I dwelled on it. Was I becoming too soft? Or was I just so worn out that every little thing was affecting me?
I use to be seen as cold and strong. I could take men into battle and come out the victor, never fearing for the my life or others. I didn't have to because we where unbeatable. But recently, everything has been going down hill. This was the second time I had been hurt in such a short time, I was becoming dependant on Nicklos, and my confidence was crumbling faster than a piece of dry over cooked bread. I have been slowly loosing any rational thoughts and my plans aren't as well thought out. My desperation is turning into my own downfall.
If I don't preform well, then neither will my troops. My desperation to not get other involved, was becoming more of an issue than I could handle alone. When did I start holding back so much? Maybe it was time to pull rank and call upon the other Knights that where residing in the other Kingdoms. After all, I was the main commander. It was bestowed upon me when father hung up his sword, and I took over. I've never felt the need to call upon them despite the severity of the situation, knowing that no matter what they wouldn't respect me any way.
But things where different now. The safety of everyone was in the palm of my hands. If things where to go as expected on the day of the ball, then there would surely be a massive war. The years everyone spent creating peace would go to waste, and it would be because I wasn't strong enough to handle it. With the lack of troops I have with dealing with the mercenaries, I couldn't just order them to leave the Kingdom unprotected. I also promised the people of the town of Milford that I would offer them my protection while I handled this situation. It really doesn't seem like I have much of a choice.
"You haven't spoken for awhile, what's on your mind." Nicklos spoke up from behind me. His body rocked against mine as he led the horse quietly through the woods. We where on our way to Stratheom now. After having succesfully changing from our noble clothes, we set off to find a place to take shelter, and to find me a healer.
"Thinking about how if I was a man, everything would be more simple and easy to deal with." I muttered tiredly, leaning against his hard muscled chest. He chuckled softly. He let one hand loose from the reins and placed it gently across my lap. With a gentle squeeze, he pulled me against him, burying his nose in my hair.
"What a shame it would be if you where a man. I would lose the perfect opportunity to marry such a wonderful woman." I could feel myself blush at his words. He says these things all the time, but haven't I only proven I am becoming more of a burden?
"I think it's time I use my special connections as the leader of the Knights. I can't leave me Kingdom unguarded. They are already spread so thin between being injured and protecting the village that helped me with information." I felt dejected, weak even. I wasn't even sure how useful I would be after we found a doctor to take the arrow from my leg.
"I don't think that's a terrible idea. You also have the backing of my Kingdom as well. I know this matter directly lies with you, but this supposed sister of yours killed my father and laid chaos to my people. I want justice for my Kingdom." There was so much venom in his tone, I didn't have to look at his face to know how scary he looked. There have been a few seldom times he made faces like this, and it normally only appears when things closely related to him are messed with.
"I won't stop you. In fact, if we can get enough people, maybe we can over throw Stratheom. If we overwhelm them, the enemy won't have a choice but to give up their hidding spots." Maybe I was thinking about this all wrong. Strength lies in numbers, and it won't be weak admitting you needed a little help. I let my pride cloud my thoughts, and in the end I endangered so many people. I really just wasn't fit to be a warrior. I absently started to play with the loose fabric on Nicklos's arm.
The grief I was begining to feel again hung over my head like a raging storm cloud. I felt dejected because I couldn't be someone better than my father. I may not have been a tyrant, but my actions where still bringing down the people I swore to protect. I may be an excellent fighter, but my plans where one awful idea after another. I've been so desperate for acceptance, I never took a step back and told myself what mattered. That there was no shame in help. I had alliances with powerful Kingdoms that I never used. I felt that if I couldn't handle things myself that I would be a terrible ruler.
In fact, I was terrible in another sense. I refused to look for any other answer other than handling it myself. I wore myself, and my people thin. After this mess is handled, I swear I will step down. I can't keep dragging my people through the mud like this.
"Alliah, you are distracted again. What is troubling you? I've never seen you look so defeated before." Nicklos muttered under his breath. The others, I had noticed, where quietly listening. Not one of them muttered a word of looked in my direction, but as always they where still tenative. The grimace on Marquise faced at least told me that much. But I couldn't bare to belittle myself like a helpless child in front of them.
After all, right now what they need is a leader. As much as I wanted to cry over all the milk I spilt, it wouldn't help the current situation. The only thing I could do now, was adjust my plans and take action. If I can turn the events, then I think they could be safe once again. I would deal with the consequences once I apprehend this illigitamate daughter.
"All this blood I have lost has made me rather wary. I hope that this person you said you where close to will help us out. People are easily swayed when under pressure." Nicklos was silent. Not a word more was uttered, and I soon found out why. We had finally reached the walls of the Stratheom.
Weekly Power Status
-- Power
Ranking 
-- Power
stone