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38.54% AMELIA, Duchess of House Florence / Chapter 37: 'Stop making it hard for me to control myself'

Chapter 37: 'Stop making it hard for me to control myself'

Alexander's jaw almost dropped, but he remarkably managed to control himself. He looked straight at the duchess, and with another swallow of nothing but air, the duke straightened his cloak and turned his back to adjust the saddle. As much as he wanted to tell her what really happened earlier, he doubted that it would do Amelia any good. He could hear the duchess whispering something behind him, but he was upset.

He's not upset about Amelia not remembering—maybe a little, since he was expecting it—but instead, he was upset that he got ahead of himself and looked forward to spending the rest of the day catching up with her. He got excited only by himself and forgot about any other possibility. Back then, the doctor said that it might be difficult for her to completely regain her memories because of the trauma she received. And if she did regain some, it would be in episodes, but it's still difficult to determine when.

And when they asked what could help bring her memories back, he vaguely answered with, 'Only time could tell.' Since then, Alexander has read several research and scholastic papers about memory loss. He got a little idea about how it should be in the future, but one sure way was to let her experience the same thing that caused her trauma, and there's no way Alexander's going to make her go through another hell like the one seven years ago.

He's made up his mind since it would be fine even if she didn't remember him at all. It was just a few hours of being together. He wasn't even nice to her at first, didn't even greet her with a happy birthday. There was nothing for them to reminisce dramatically about. He was even slightly jealous of her happiness at some point. But because he got jealous, he felt terrible about what happened to her. For sure, either way, what would matter would be the time they spent together in the future.

He's the one who took the burden on himself without no one asking it from him.

The duke let out a sigh.

Adjusting the last buckle, Alexander mounted his horse and reached out his hand to the duchess. Amelia asked again what he meant by remembering anything else, but he just kept his silence.

"My memory's still a little fuzzy about earlier. I don't even remember falling on the floor. Did I say something else? What did I say? I thought you weren't there when it happened?" Questions after question left the duchess' mouth, but it entered Alexander's ear only to exit through the other.

"I was only told that you fell from the foot of your bed." his tone more monochromatic than he started with earlier.

"Oh… I see." Amelia sounded forlorn, and it poked Alexander's heart. But he, too, was being emotional for his own good, so he chose to keep his mouth shut instead.

----------

Alexander barely had any wink of sleep since the young lady jerked from time to time. As the night grew deeper and the forest regained its sound back, Amelia finally fell asleep. Earlier, whenever she's about to lose consciousness, she would open her eyes wide and straighten up. She kept on shaking her head, saying that she's not allowed to sleep because people might still be after her, and she needed to stay awake for her to run.

The wind blew colder, and their damp clothes made it even more so. The firewood they found was either damp or too old that it burned quickly. All they're left was a small fire with enough light to reach them and nothing more. Alexander looked at the lady beside him and felt sorry for her. He was worried earlier that igniting some wood would remind her of her burning house, but she was surprisingly fine with it. The smile she wore and the twinkling eyes she had at her celebration had been changed to a dull, stale expression. Young Amelia curled into a ball, her knees almost touching her chest with her hands around it.

"Move closer. It'll be warmer that way," Alexander whispered to the sleeping Amelia, hoping she would somehow hear it, but nothing. Looking around for a dry piece of fabric or something similar, Alexander only disappointed himself, and he returned to the young lady's side slouching.

She was shivering, and so did Alexander. Their clothes were still wet from the rain that passed, and the only solution the young duke thought of was to lay beside each other.

And so, he did, reluctantly.

Alexander didn't know where he would position himself, and his hand hovered on top of the sleeping lady. For a minute, he fought with himself, saying that there must be another way. But as he saw Amelia shaking and trying to curl her body more, he pulled her gently towards him, and without a second thought, wrapped his arm around her petite body.

Patting Amelia's back was the young duke's way of comforting her, and she snuggled closer, which rendered Alexander still like a statue. The young lady's head rested on his arm, and her ragged breathing reached the side of his neck.

Though he appeared as calm as a cloudless sky, Alexander's heart raced. Thinking that the light coming from the fire would raise suspicions from anyone hiding in the forest—the perpetrators.

With eyes fixed on the door and the windows, Alexander hardly blinked. Every sound different from what his ears have grown accustomed to alerted him, and he'd dart his eyes to where he thought it came from.

Minutes passed, and Alexander felt his eyes grow heavy too but was awakened when he heard Amelia mumbling something. He thought she was up and about, but she still had her eyes closed. The duke pulled her again closer and wrapped both his arms tighter, burying his face close to her neck.

It didn't last long when the young duke fell asleep himself, his hand weakly patting the lady's shoulder.

By the time he opened his eyes, the sun's rays were starting to peak. Alexander tried to stretch his stiff body but remembered the lady sleeping next to him. His hand hovered above the ladies' face to tuck away some hair but was surprised when he heard horses' hooves against the damp ground. His eyes immediately darted to the old door that could break with just a light kick. He looked around too and finally saw the whole state of the cabin the advisor told him about last night. It was hard to locate without a light, but Vance specifically instructed him to go straight in the direction he pointed. And by the grace of the gods, he found it.

Alexander panicked internally.

Only the fireplace made with stone remained unaffected by the season, aside from the moss here and there. Everything else was either on the verge of breaking or in the process of it. The roof beams seemed strong enough to last a year or two more, though, but the gaps on the walls' getting larger in some parts. Aside from what appeared to be a bedroom, looking so fragile too, there's nowhere to hide.

On the bright side, Alexander managed to think that maybe they're just passing by. But then again, he remembered that he tied his horse outside. And with the crest on his horse's saddle, any thief would instantly know that something—someone—valuable is inside.

It was as if everything around the young duke was at a standstill. Even he restricted himself to breathe as if one exhale would alert the men in the woods. Fortunately for Alexander, the suspense didn't last that long when he heard one of his personal knights, Sir Barret, called out for him.

With a big sigh of relief, the young duke lightly shook the young lady, telling her that help finally arrived. But when Amelia didn't wake up for seconds despite the efforts of the young duke, Alexander thought she died.

Scared out of his wits, he shouted at the men outside, and they frantically opened the door. First to cross the threshold was his knight, then Vance pushed through, followed by a man that looked like a doctor.

"Sh-she's not moving. What do I do? We were just sleeping and—" Alexander's voice was pleading, refusing to move away with his hand still on her shoulders.

"Don't fret, your grace. She's okay. She's breathing," Barret was quick on his feet to comfort the horrified young duke.

"She's breathing, your grace." The man with olive eyes reassured him, and he nodded, his hands clasped together at his chest. "She's got a terrible fever Vance, we need to get her out of these damp clothes and warm her body." The tall man looked anxious as his eyes slightly shook when he looked at House Florence's advisor. After he checked her pulse, Vance quickly lifted Amelia's head off Alexander's lap, and Barret pulled the duke away so the lady could lay straight.

Vance looked terrible. His clothes were still tainted by the fire that passed, and his shoes were all muddy from the rain. It's already the start of winter, and the air's been colder lately.

When he turned to look at Alexander, he placed his hand on his shoulder, squeezing it lightly. The advisor thanked the young duke for his efforts to help the duchess with teary eyes, and Alexander nodded again, keeping his emotions to himself.

Barret then informed him that the fire was put out, but some men were still inspecting the palace. Since it rained hard last night, the fire only consumed the eastern wing and left the rest barely scathed.

Fortunately, there was no casualty among the guests, but there were injured ones from the servants and some of House Florence's men who came to help. The initial findings showed that the fire probably started at the duke's office, where he and the duchess were seen heading towards after putting the young lady to sleep. There seemed to be foul play involved, so authorities kept their mouths shut until further proof.

Alexander's brow raised. He wanted to ask something, but it didn't seem appropriate at the time, so he kept it to himself instead.

He thought if they were locked in, for sure, the duke would find a way to get out of his office. For a duke not to have an escape route in his office was screaming carelessness. Also, though it's grim, there's a huge possibility that they were somehow weakened—or worst, killed—that's why they weren't able to get out of the room.

Alexander shook his head and reached out to hold onto Barret's arm for support. His knees were weak, and he struggled to keep his balance.

It must be the lack of sleep.

"Let's head back to the town square and get you cleaned," Vance said.

The young duke agreed. He peeked through his lashes, and Vance looked like he could kill dozens with just his piercing gaze, but he remained calm despite it. Not long after, they were brought back to a manor owned by one of the duchy's council members. Alexander asked Barret where his own council was, and he said that they're at the border settlement waiting for him.

Alexander wanted to stay longer, to see Amelia wake up, but he was advised otherwise. And since he's just a kid who didn't know any better, he listened to what he was told after having a hot meal, a warm bath, and a change of clothes.

**********

So far, the trip has been quiet. Amelia looked back at the diminishing palace gates and back to the road. Once Arabella saw the letter she left, she would explode, and Laila would be an unlikely victim. The duchess thought that she better buy something for her ladies later to compensate.

Unlike Osmea, Aclador doesn't have many agricultural lands since they're close to the northern mountains, and winter's pretty much the only season there.

As the sword and shield of the empire, Duke Mulford's duchy have a ton of training grounds, blacksmiths, barracks, taverns, and inns. A number of entertainment houses, fighting arenas, and a few shops. Houses were also built and looked a lot stronger than the ones Osmea had. However, there's an abundance of trees since, for every child born in Aclador, a tree was planted.

Amelia brought her gaze to the broad back that sheltered her from the sun's rays and wondered why the hell was he being so silent all of a sudden. She expected an interrogation or two, but nothing!

He didn't even ask even one thing about what happened to her last night. Not even a single peep about it!

'Is this what they call the silent treatment?' the duchess thought as she tried to peek in front.

When a few minutes passed and still nothing, Amelia pouted. She leaned back a little and crossed her arms. Recalling the time they saw each other; the duke had always been vocal about what he wanted. Not to mention all his random whims and his constantly calling her 'my love' and 'my duchess.'

Where was that guy?

"We'll stop by our manor first, then we'll walk from there." Amelia straightened when she finally heard him talk.

"So, what's with you this time? Giving me the silent treatment all of a sudden."

"What's with me is you."

"What? Me? I don't get it."

"It's nothing. Just… just keep close to me and don't lean back. It's dangerous."

A small smirk ran across the duchess' face.

So, he was wary of her too. The duchess nodded at the realization. And though she felt a little triumphant, it still annoyed her that she's being ignored. It's her first time again in Aclador after so many years, and she wouldn't want to spend it with someone who would only give her an attitude.

But what was she to do? She's stuck with him for at least another half an hour.

Amelia let out a sigh. She tried her best to be occupied with the many banners hung across the streets and the children running back and forth. The busy households and other visitors who wanted to experience how Acladorians celebrate the duke's birthday. It lasts for three days, and within those three days, fighting arenas were open for the whole twenty-four hours. Amelia experienced going there with Piers and Osmund. They were caught by one of the duke's knights and had to run out in fear of being lectured by Elias again.

"Have you been into one of Aclador's fighting arenas?" Amelia leaned in closer to ask.

"Yes, I have." Came the short reply, and it annoyed the duchess that she almost smacked the duke's back. But she chose to calm herself down quickly.

"We could check one later. It's fun. You can learn a lot just by watching them fight. Like their techniques, their moves. The anticipation of wondering who would win or how a fighter could secure his win—It's entertaining."

"I'm sure it is."

"You are awfully quiet, you know that?"

"And you are awfully talkative, you know that?" the duke answered back coldly.

"What's gotten into you?" Amelia's voice rose a pitch higher.

"What's gotten into you?" Alexander threw the question back, and Amelia suddenly felt her eye twitch.

"You know what? I'm not going to town with you. I am not going to town with someone who would ruin my fun. So let me down this instance, or I will scream and—" Amelia wasn't able to finish what she was saying when Alexander pulled on the horse's rein to make it stop. But what glued the duchess to her spot was the duke's grim expression when he looked back.

"Do you have any idea what I'm feeling right now?" he asked in a restrained manner, "You being so close to me like this? The heat emanating from you to my back? I've been thinking about you for days end. All the pent-up feelings of wanting to see, to touch you, to kiss you are all bubbling up inside me, and I feel like I'll blow up any second." Amelia gulped and blinked. She didn't know what to think or respond. "So please, stop making it hard for me to control myself and sit still and be quiet until we get to the manor, and I can distance myself from you a little and gather my composure."

With Amelia flustered, her face warmed up quickly up to her ears, and she felt beads of sweat starting to form on her forehead. The duke coaxed the horse to resume walking again, and Amelia patted her cheeks. Even though the autumn breeze was blowing, the duchess felt warm and a little chilly.

There's no way that she wouldn't be. The duke indirectly told her that he missed her so much he could barely control himself—that much Amelia understood.

It's hard for her to admit—and she denied it herself every time she thought about it—but she was looking forward to the duke's birthday, not only because she got to come to Aclador again. But because she knew that there's a huge possibility that Alexander would be attending. For nights, she questioned herself why she was even expecting him, but she answered her questions by either planning on how to get the emperor's blessing or thinking of ways to get the emperor to agree—both didn't satisfy her.

They only spent a short amount of time together, and even Amelia thought it would be impossible to want someone so much with only that. Right?

Want?

Amelia paused and looked at the back of the duke's head.

How can someone know they want a person? Was there some kind of point where, out of the blue, they thought that they wanted the person?

Does she want the duke? Alexander? Want is a vague word that could refer to almost anything.

For the duchess, in her mind, to come to a point where she'd want someone, they should at least spend an ample amount of time getting to know each other. But what confused Amelia most was the feeling of familiarity she got whenever the duke was around.

The duke appealed to her more than she thought, and it was too much of what her mind could handle.

What does it even mean to be someone's fiancée? Were there rules—pointers? Did someone somewhere manage to write a how-to book about it? She's got no one to tell her these things. Her mother died before she was even educated about such matters, and all she had left around her were men and assassins telling her to be her own damn hero.

To never rely on anyone.

To be able to stand even by herself.

Amelia let out a long sigh.

There's so much to think about in so little time, and it'd be better for her if she knew what the duke was thinking or planning. That he'd let her in his schemes so her worries could rest a little and she could prepare herself. But no, instead of sharing his plans with her now that they've seen each other again, he came and sneaked her out of the palace and told her how he wanted to touch her!

**********

The rest of their travel to Mildolde, the town square of Aclador, was without incident—and without talking too. Amelia tried not to mind the duke and just focus on the sceneries, and in minutes she was engrossed. She murmured to herself from time to time, and she's sure that the duke asked her about what she was saying though she completely ignored him like he ignored her earlier.

After almost half an hour of traveling, Amelia looked around the renewed residential district where the manor that Alexander rented was.

When she was here a few years ago, she didn't wander through the residential district as much. The carriage usually just passed through it whenever she went to the town square. And since her exact whereabouts were kept a secret to most, she often traveled in disguise or fully guarded.

"We're here," Alexander said, and Amelia looked at the charming manor on the other side of the massive metal gates.

It's not as big and fancy as the ones they passed through. It was simple with minimal structures. It has a lovely little patio in the front and a small stable around the back, enough for five horses. There's also a pebbled back garden, two fruit trees, and a small fountain. Alexander's carriages were left at the palace since it's more spacious there.

"My sister's probably out somewhere already, so we have to grab ourselves some meal at a nearby inn before wandering around," Alexander stated after one of the attendants of the manor took the horse and brought it into the stables.

After he instructed another, the duke turned to face Amelia, and to her surprise, Alexander reached for her hood that had fallen behind when she dismounted. He pulled it over her head and inspected her at arm's length.

"I—I'm sorry. I should've asked for your permission first." The duke said when he saw Amelia's stiffened stance.

"It's okay, I guess?" Tucking a stray hair behind her ear, Amelia turned her back to the duke and walked a few steps before facing him again. "You did say that I should get used to it, right?"


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