Chapter 33: - Night talks

''A memory, by Adrena Calero

Sometimes a memory can reappear like the hole in a shirt, that you desperately tried to fix with threads and a needle. If the sewing was done poorly, then the hole will eventually reappear.

I have some memories from my childhood, that leaves me with an empty hole. I've tried with threads, needles and stitches to close it, so I'd forget. But I did it poorly, so they tend to open back up, if they feel even the slightest pull.

My father wasn't a bad man. He was a scared man. He knew, that no good would come, from being with my mother. He also knew, that no good would come, from being with him. So he left. Like a thief in the night, he snuck out, leaving invisible traces for me to follow.

But he did leave something behind, that he didn't expect that I'd remember. A conversation he had, with my mother, shortly before he decided to leave us.

Both of you thought I was sleeping. Neither of you knew that I was fully awake, and heard every word from the fight you had downstairs. I used the dirty t-shirt that I was sleeping in, to dry off the tears, that you evoked.

Mother, you were high.

Father, you were drunk.

You probably poured the drops of whisky down your throat, to escape the headache you got, from her yelling. And I don't blame you, she was loud.

She repeated herself several times, expressing her confusion to why you wanted to leave. You kept responding to her, with 'because I want a different life', which only made her more upset.

You never thought I would hear it, but I did. I heard you saying 'Chicago' several times, and each time the words escaped your dry and sour lips, my mother's screaming cry would follow.

I woke up the next morning, with an unknown feeling inside of me. It was as if I knew, without being able to detect how, that you had left. And I was six. I was a child.

You've only known me for six years, but I've known you my whole life.

I've thought about your invisible tracks, and I've been obsessed with the value I'd get, if I managed to follow them and find you.

Now we're both invisible. You made me invisible. But soon, my dear father,

You'll be able to see me crystal clear.''

---------------

**Adrena's point of view**

Lorenzo's mother Elena spend the night. She slept in the bed, while me and Lorenzo laid on a blanket on the floor.

It's been a while, since I've had such a restless night. Not only because of the hard floor, right beneath the thin blanket that would leave me with bruises, or the unfamiliar settings around me. No, something else kept me awake.

Even though it would take a lot more than just a look through the phonebook to find my father, I still had a harder time comprehending that I might would. He's been wandering inside my mind for twelve years, like a shadow-man unable to see the light of day.

When I read the bible as a child, I used to pray for him – because the lady who gave it to me, told me to.

When I was held hostage in basement, waiting for my convection, I prayed for him again. Or, I made a promise to a God I don't necessarily believe In, that if I survive, then I'll find him.

And now, as I lay on solid ground, I catch myself praying again. To this so-called 'God'. I pray that he'll help me find him, and I pray that the tracks that'll guide me to him, will be clear as day.

I turned my head, to look at the time.

''04.36''

Both Lorenzo and Elena was asleep, and I envied them for it. I silently got up, and unlocked the door to go outside. I needed some air, and perhaps a change of settings to clear my mind.

Cross Lanes in West Virginia isn't a place I'd write a sight-seeing book about. Besides from the car noises that came from the main road a mile away, there was completely silent. I wasn't sure if we were the only guest at the motel, but I didn't see any signs of life anywhere.

I closed my eyes, and inhaled deeply. The fresh, and slightly cold air calmed me a little. I was sitting on an old wooden bench, next to the door outside our room. Across from the parking lot, was a cornfield. The leaves were swaying in the wind, which made them look like tiny people dancing.

So many thoughts escaped my mind, and I wasn't able to detect which one was at fault for my insomnia.

Was it the news about Lorenzo's father? Even the thought of Lorenzo's face as he heard, leaves me with a lump in my throat.

Was it Elena? To think that Lorenzo's mother is currently sleeping a few meters away from where I'm sitting was so odd, given the circumstances. She managed to find us, even though we were hiding in a small motel out in nowhere, where the only life comes from a field of swaying corns.

Or was it in fact my father who, yet again, kept me from sleeping? It's not the first time his name has kept me sleepless.

As I sat and tried to sort out my thoughts, the door next to the bench opened. I flinched, because my mind was elsewhere.

''You can't sleep?''

It was Elena. She leaned against the doorframe, with her arms crossed. I glanced at her with a smile, and shook my head. ''No, unfortunately I'm wide awake.''

She seated next to me, and inhaled deeply. ''I heard you sneaking out the door. Are you okay?''

''Did I wake you? I'm so sorry! I just needed some fresh air, and-''

She interrupted me, by patting me on my thigh. The rings on her hand clinked, which made me look at them. One ring in particular stood out – there was a massive diamond on top of it. The light from the moon reflected inside it.

''I couldn't sleep either, bella. I think we both needed a little fresh air.''

We sat for a moment in silence. Both of our heads were facing forward, towards the cornfield. She closed her eyes, and took another deep breath.

''You are a strong woman, Adrena. You remind me of myself, when I was your age-''

She hesitated, and took out two cigarettes – ''you smoke?'' she asked, as she handed me one.

''Only in times of need – so thank you-'' I said with a smile, as I took it. She lit my cigarette with her lighter, and then her own. We both inhaled and blew out the smoke, at the same time.

''I'm so sorry to hear about Pedro. It must be so hard for you, I can't even imagine. You seem to love him very much,'' I said, with a calming voice. She looked down, and gently played with the diamond ring, on her right hand.

''I probably love him more than he deserves. But he's a good man, Adrena. And so is Lorenzo – they just have a hard time showing it. I want to thank you, for being so brave. You've saved my son's life.''

I glanced at her for a second, before I turned my stare to the ground below me. ''With all due respect, miss-… I mean, Elena – I have to tell you, that I'm probably at fault for the dangers he's facing. If I didn't accept the drink that Dimitri offered me, then Lorenzo would be safe at home.'' I fidgeted with my own hands, as I said it.

''Oh, what a kind and naive heart you must have, if you think that's the case. Bella, you haven't done anything wrong – it breaks my heart to hear, that you think it's your fault. Don't blame yourself for the mistakes that the men you've encountered made. Being a victim for a man's mistake, will never be your fault.''

The sound of her words made me vulnerable, and I wasn't able to hold back the tears that were cornering in my eyes. To think that someone, who's at risk for losing both her husband and her son can sit here, and comfort me, was too much for me to bare.

''I don't know what to do. This isn't how I imagined my life to turn out and I'm scared, all the time. But somehow still, the only thing I think about, is how I can help Lorenzo.'' I was sobbing as I said it. My voice was shaking, even though I tried as best as I could, to hide it.

''Love is so beautiful that way-'' she said, as she glanced at the morning sun, that was about to show. ''I know that Lorenzo is thinking the exact same thing – you two were destined to be on this journey together, even though you may not feel that way.'' She hesitated, before she continued: ''Do you believe in God?'' she asked.

''I did once, I think. I'm not so sure anymore, given the way life has treated me. If there is a God, then he sure manages to keep me on guard, that's for sure.'' I replied, with a forced smile.

''Who says it's a he?'' she asked, while her head was facing me. I looked up at her, and responded with a shrug.

''I believe that God is a powerful woman. She's everything you want her to be: a mother, a daughter, a sister or a friend. She's in every individual, and she never make mistakes. She put you two together, for a reason. Only a woman would take such a risk, if she knew that it was true love.''

I smiled, again. I wasn't sure if I believed her words, but they still managed to comfort me a little. I changed the subject, and asked her:

''What would happen if Lorenzo and I went back to New York - let's say - tomorrow?''

She adjusted in her seat, before she responded. ''You've met a very little percent of the Russians already, and they still managed to leave Lorenzo with a bullet in his arm. There is hundreds of them in the city, and they all wants to kill my son. If you go back now, then I'm afraid that I'd attend to your funerals before my husbands.''

Our conversation was interrupted by the door being opened, yet again. Lorenzo walked out, while squinting his eyes as he looked at us confused.

''What's going on here?'' he asked, while he adjusted his white boxers. He took a second look at me, and suddenly looked concerned. ''Are you crying?'' he asked.

I dried away the tears, and gave him a smile – ''I'm fine. We're just talking. Neither of us could sleep.''

Elena looked at her son, and reached out her hand. ''We'll be back in a second, mio. Go back inside.''

He grabbed her hand, and ran his thumb over it. ''I'm awake, now. What're you talking about?''

''Our options'' I quickly replied. Both Elena and Lorenzo turned their head to me, waiting for me to add something to my sentence.

''If you want to go back to New York, then so be it. I understand why you'd want to do that, I really do. But without pretending like I know how the mafia works, then let me say this: I think it'll only create more damage. You won't save your father, by being killed right in front of him.''

He led out an uncontrolled yawn, and rubbed his eyes. ''But if I go to Chicago, then I can't save my family.''

''Mio, you won't be in Chicago forever. Only until things have cooled down a little, or your father has made an agreement with Dimitri's father. Everything could be completely different in a few weeks or months, if you only give it time. I know you want to help the guys, but if you come back now, then it'll only make it worse.''

He walked towards one of the wooden poles, that held the upper floor, and leaned against it. ''I'll only stay a few weeks. And even if there the slightest chance that any of you get hurt, then I'll come back. I don't have a problem with killing each and every fucking russie that stands in my way-'' He hesitated, and walked towards the bench we were sitting at, to grab one of the cigarettes.

''And if my father is getting more ill, then I'm coming home. There's no fucking way, that the last words I hear from him, is through a phone call where he said ''you're on your own now, son''.''

He looked down unto the ground as he finished his sentence. The smoke he blew out was circling around him, but that didn't distract me from seeing the tears that he had in his eyes. I got up, and walked towards him. With a gentle touch, I grabbed his hand.

''We'll figure it out, I promise.'' I said.

Elena got up as well, and opened the door to go back inside.

''You'll be the leader real soon, mio. And you'll take over your father's empire with grace. But for now, all you need is sleep. Tomorrow, both of you are going to Chicago.''

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