Chapter 22: Check Up
Yoongi POV,
I kept running down the stairs holding Sofia tightly. I can feel her breath wheezing on my neck.
"Hold on!", I said
When I got to the basement, I immediately pulled the emergency door open and ran towards the parking lot, then stopped for a moment to look around where Sofia's car was.
"Where are your car keys?", I asked out of breath
"The bag, it's in the bag ...", Sofia said weakly
I ran towards the red car that was not far from where I was. When I got to the side of the car, I slowly lowered Sofia while still supporting her limp body with one of my hands.
"Hang in there," I said again, reaching into her bag to find her car keys
"Here it is ... Come in", I said after I opened the car door
I helped her into the passenger seat, she's weak, sweat running down her face. I rushed to the driver's seat, fastened seat belts for the two of us and drove the car to the nearest hospital.
Several times I turned my face towards Sofia, who sat limply beside me. Her eyes were closed, her hands were gripping her hair, she looked very sick right now.
"Does it still hurt? Breathe slowly ...", I said looking at her worriedly
Fortunately, from Bighit office to Gangnam Hospital only takes less than 5 minutes. I drove my car faster when I saw the hospital signboard in front of me.
I immediately directed my car towards the Emergency Room. When my car stopped right in front of the ER door, a nurse came over to our car. I immediately put on my mask before lowering the car window.
"Can I help you?", She asked
"Please, my wife needs help," I said quickly as I got out of the car toward the passenger door
The nurse swiftly ran inside and back with a stroller. I picked up Sofia who looked almost unconscious and laid her on the stroller.
"Her head hurts and she has difficulty breathing. I'll park my car first. Help her, Please ...", I said to the nurse
"Ye. We'll take care of her, sir", she replied, then swiftly she pushed the stroller into the ER
I quickly parked Sofia's car in a parking lot not far from the ER. When I entered the ER , I felt my cell phone vibrate.
"Yeobosseyo?" I said, looking around ER room, looking for Sofia's whereabouts
"Suga, where are you? We're going home now", heard Jin's voice across the phone
"Hyung, sorry. I still have something to do. You guys go home first. I ... I'll sleep in my house tonight", I said haltingly
"Where are you now? Genius lab?", He asked again
"Huh? Ye. I'm still in the studio", I lied to him
My eyes caught Sofia's shoes on one of the patient beds on the far right.
"Please tell Sejin hyung, I'll be picked up by my brother so he doesn't have to wait for me. I have to hang up, I have something to do. See you tomorrow hyung, gomawo", I said quickly as I walked towards Sofia's place
I turned off my cellphone and put it back in my pants pocket. I saw Sofia being surrounded by 2 nurses and a doctor at this time.
A nurse attached an oxygen tube to her, another was checking her heart rate and blood pressure, while the female doctor seemed to be calling Sofia to ask her to speak to her.
"Are you her husband?", Asked the doctor when she saw me come
"Ye, doctor", I replied quickly
"What happened to your wife?", she asked again
"Uh ... her head hurts and has shortness of breath. I think we need a neurologist (neurologist, brain and spine specialist) at this time. Actually, my wife has had amnesia in the past 12 years and she has been like this 3 times when she remembered something", I said, explained to the doctor
"Amnesia? All right. I'll see her condition first while waiting for the neurologist to arrive", replied the doctor
"Please contact Doctor Park. And inform him of this mistress's condition", said the doctor to one of the nurses
She then went back to Sofia and asked her to talk. The nurse who had helped her left the three of us and closed the curtains around Sofia's bed.
"Mam, can you hear me? Does your head still hurt?", Asked the doctor to Sofia softly
Sofia groaned before finally opening her eyes.
"Sobi ...", I muttered while approaching the side of the bed
"It's better ...", she replied slowly
"Mam, are you always in pain when you remember something?", Asked the doctor again
"Ye", she replied briefly
"Arasso. We are currently in contact with a brain and neurologist specialist, I think we will check your condition further later. For now, your blood pressure, body temperature and heart rate are all normal. So, you should rest for a while until Doctor Park arrives", she said kindly to both of us
"Ye. Kamsahamnida", Sofia replied
"Kamsahamnida, doctor," I replied with a bow
After the female doctor left us, Sofia seemed to want to get up from her sleeping position.
"You want to sit down?", I asked her and helped her straighten the back of her bed
"Yeobo, mianne. You don't need to bring me here, my headache will definitely go away by itself", she said, looking at me
"You have to be checked, you have experienced this several times, there must be something wrong. We have to find out the cause, I don't want to see you like this ...", I said as I sat on the edge of her bed while lowering the mask to my chin
She didn't answer my words, she just nodded and lowered her head.
"Does it still hurt?", I asked anxiously
"It's much better now", she replied softly
"What did you remember earlier, Sobi?", I asked
She lifted her face and looked at me with her big eyes.
"I ... I remember I fell and hurt my knee, I cried at that time. Then you came and carried me just like before ...", she said in a trembling voice.
"Then you treat my wound and ... and say the same words as you told me earlier ... 'Be careful next time, and don't fall again'", she continued, lowered her head
I gaped at Sobi's words. She remembered when we played in a flower field.
It was early spring, only days before my birthday. I took her to visit that place after school. She looked very happy, running around the flower field that were just blooming. I will never forget that day, because at that time for the first time she said that she liked me.
Did she remember that too? Did she remember saying she liked me ?.
"Then what else?", I asked, swallowing my saliva
"Huh?", she asked confusedly looking at me
"Is there anything else we talked about at that time?", I provoked, feeling my throat go dry
She seemed to be remembering those memories.
"Oh, then I said, uh I said that ...", Sofia said haltingly
"Good evening, I am Doctor Park", suddenly the curtain that covered us opened and a middle-aged male doctor came in with a friendly smile
Sofia and I were so surprised, I even jumped to my feet and awkwardly adjusted my mask.
"Ye. Good evening doctor. I am Yoongi. This is my wife, Sofia," I replied nervously
"I am Doctor Park Lihwon, a neurologist at this hospital. According to Doctor Heo, your wife has amnesia and recently her memory has returned but is accompanied by pain ...", said the friendly-faced doctor
"Ne. When Sofia was 10 years old, she had an accident, then after that she lost her memory. During these 12 years she never remembered what happened before the accident happened. But these few months, she suddenly regained pieces of her memory but always accompanied by headache and shortness of breath ... ", I explained to the doctor
"Did you become unconscious after the accident?", Asked the doctor again while examining Sofia's pupils with a small flashlight
"Ye. He was in a coma for 2 weeks," I replied, looking at Sofia who was nervous at the time
"And after waking up from coma, did you feel something strange?", He asked again
"Uh ...", I muttered confused
"Ye doctor. My mother said that I couldn't talk for some time, then for almost a year I had a sleep disorder and was always anxious," Sofia replied in a trembling voice
Then the doctor checked for a pulse on Sofia's wrist with a frown.
"Usually retrograde amnesia —loss of memory about something happened before the trauma— will be able to recall over time. However, for your case, I couldn't diagnose what caused the headache and shortness of breath before further examination," said Doctor Park with a serious face
"Then what did you suggest for my wife's examination?", I asked anxiously
"I suggest an MRI (Magnetic Resonance Imaging: examination using magnetic technology and radio waves) to be more accurate. We will see if there are any abnormalities in Sofia's brain. Are you pregnant?", Asked Doctor Park to Sofia
"Huh? Ani. No doctor, I'm not pregnant," Sofia replied in surprise
"Arasso. I'm just making sure, even though MRI is quite safe for the fetus, but medicines and other treatments that may be needed must be adjusted if you are pregnant," explained the doctor again
"When will she take MRI examination ?", I asked
"We can do it right now, but you need to fill out the paperwork first before the examination," Doctor Park told me
I looked at Sofia who looked worried, she kept twisting the ends of her blanket during this conversation.
"What about the side effects, doctor?", I asked, taking my eyes off Sofia
"There are no side effects. The examination is very fast, we will only take pictures of your wife's head and heart, then it's finished. The process is less than 30 minutes", said the doctor kindly
I looked at Sofia.
"Well, maybe you should talk about it first. This examination is needed to be able to see Sofia's condition accurately. I will wait in my room, when you have decided, you can tell the nurse at the nurse station", said Doctor Park smiling friendly
He tried to calm us down, I think he knows that we are quite anxious about this. I sat back by Sofia's bed after Doctor Park left the two of us.
"Sobi ...", I said
"I'm scared ... I'm scared, yeobo. What if there's something in my head?", Sofia said with teary eyes
"I know you must be afraid and anxious right now. But this is necessary so that we can find out the cause of your pain. I'm sure Dr. Park can help you", I said hoarsely
I held myself as hard as I could so as not to hold her hand or hug her. I really want to calm her down at this time.
"What if I'm sick, Yeobo?", She asked in a choked voice
"We better know from now on so we can treat it right. Calm down, I'm here", I said, looking into her eyes
"Jinjja? ...", She said quietly, lowering her head
"I can't see you always in pain, Sobi. I hope that you can get your memories back without feeling the pain. I want you to remember your life before the accident, I want you to be able to remember your father, I want you to be able to remember how extraordinary you were. And I ... I want you to remember me too ... remember our friendship ... ", I said, the longer my voice grew lower
Sofia raised her face and gave me a hard look. Her big round eyes were teary. I clenched my fists, holding myself back from giving in to the urge to hug her.
"Arasso ... I also want to know what really happened to me right now ... Que sera sera, what ever will be, will be", she replied hoarsely
"Ye. We will find a way out together. Gwaenchana ... it will be all right", I said smiling at her
She nodded and smiled weakly. Then I went to the nurse station to fill out the examination documents. We had to wait 30 minutes before finally a nurse came to Sofia's bed pushing a wheelchair for her.
"Gwaencahana ...", I said, patting her shoulder gently
The examination itself takes about 20 minutes. As long as Sofia was being examined, I could only wait outside, biting my fingernails incessantly.
"Yeobo ...", I heard Sofia's voice calling me in front of the radiology room
"Sobi!", I replied, standing over to her
"Please follow me, we will wait for Dr. Park in his room", said the nurse pushing Sofia's wheelchair
"Ne", then I walked silently following Sofia and the nurse
I'm so worried right now that I don't know what to say. We turned a corner and entered a practice room with "dr. Park Lihwon, Neurologist" was printed at the entrance door.
"Please sit down and wait a minute, soon Dr. Park will see you", said the nurse, then left the two of us in the room
"How was the examination?", I asked Sofia
"I don't know, nothing special...", she answered doubtfully
"Was your head still hurting now?", I asked again, correcting my sitting position to face her
"No. I'm fine now", she replied, wetting her lips nervously
"It will be fine, calm down", I said comforting her
"Ye," Sofia replied softly
I was about to touch her hand when suddenly the door opened. I scratched the back of my ear nervously trying to hide the movement of my hand earlier.
"Sorry for making you wait", said dr. Park entered the room carrying a white folder with Sofia's name on it
I adjusted my seat back to face dr. Park. He then took out 3 MRI results and put them on the examination screen.
I saw two black and white pictures with the shape of a head (or brain, to be precise) and a picture showing the organs of the heart and lungs. I glanced at Sofia, she looked nervous and anxious at the moment.
I hold her hands, our eyes met but she didn't say anything. I felt her hand trembling in mine, so I squeezed her hand gently to calm her down.
"How's the results, doctor?", I asked
"Earlier, we have contacted Daegu Hospital to ask for the results of Sofia ssi's brain scan after the accident. And this is the image they sent. You can see that there is a lesion or a fairly large wound —the dark spot— on the frontal lobe or the forebrain. This brain is in charge of controlling movement, speech, emotions and memory. So it is understandable if after the accident Sofia ssi experienced speech difficulties, anxiety disorders and memory loss", explained dr. Park
"And this is the picture of Sofia ssi's brain that we just took. You can see the difference, right? There are no visible lesions here, all the wounds that were there have been fully healed, thanks to the medicine and treatment that was given before", said dr. Park again, pointing at the scan results on the screen
I nodded my head, understood what dr. Park said.
"And I can say that it seems we have nothing to worry about right now, because based on the scan results, both Sofia ssi's brain and internal organs are in good condition," he said, smiling warmly at Sofia
"Jinjja?", she said surprised
"Ye ...", replied dr. Park smiled at Sofia
"Thank God," I said, smiling at Sofia. "Then why hasn't her memory returned even though the wounds have been healed for a long time?", I asked again while frowning
"Well, in fact ... there are cases of patients who have post-traumatic retrograde amnesia who still can't remember the past / events before the trauma —be it an accident or some other traumatic thing—. It's because the body instinctively protects itself from the memory of bad incident. So you could say, because the incident was very painful or caused great fear or even guilt, the brain manipulates itself to suppress the memory so that it doesn't appear again", explained dr. Park with a serious face
"For Sofia' case, maybe this is what happened ... the amnesia you suffered for 12 years is a form of defense against the memory of the previous accident. You lost someone you really care about during the accident, and it was so painful for you that unconsciously your brain is trying to forget about it", said the doctor passing on his diagnosis to us
Sofia gaping while looking at dr. Park with teary eyes.
"Then why the memory appears now, doctor?", I asked curiously
"This is my theory ... you see the part that is shaped like this seahorse? This is the hippocampus, the part of the brain that plays an important role in the formation, organization and storage of memories. If our brain is like a large library that stores various memories, then this hippocampus is the librarian. This hippocampus is also related to sensations or emotions related to a particular memory. For example, when we smell a cake that has just been baked, the hippocampus will play back memories of memory in childhood when your grandmother made a cake for you ", explained dr. Park
"For the case of Sofia ssi, maybe in the past 12 years, her brain has not received any stimulus. So she never remembered anything. Now, in the last few months it seems that things have changed, there is something that stimulates those memories. Maybe, was there an object or music or something that happened right before the memory appeared?", asked dr. Park at us
"Ooh ...", said Sofia as if she understood something
I turned my face to her and asked, "wae?", Curiously.
"I always remember memories related to what I was doing or heard from my husband. Yes ... I am sure of it. And today ... he was carrying me on his back while saying that I have to be careful not to fall again, then memories of the same activities and words popped into my head ... ", she replied half amazed half in disbelief
"Did you know each other before the accident happened?", Asked dr. Park looked at the two of us
"Ye, doctor, we were friends", I replied, still looking at Sofia
"But why does it hurt so much, doctor?", Sofia asked, frowning
"As I said earlier, you lost your memory due to your body's efforts to defend itself from unpleasant incidents. So that when your brain gets stimulated related to your old memories, your body will fight as much as possible so that the memories don't appear", replied dr. Park while leaning forward
"But the memories that have emerged so far are not scary, quite memorable in my opinion ...", Sofia said, biting her lip
"Therefore, I am a little worried that if someday the memory of the accident returns, you will feel overwhelmed and it will impact you. It seems like there is something that makes you devastated, disappointed, and afraid about that. Maybe deep down your heart, you didn't want to remember that", said dr. Park
"Arasso ..." Sofia replied softly
"Then what should we do?", I asked
"Everything goes back to Sofia ssi, do you really want to know what happened before the accident or not. If you want to know, you can stimulate Sofia's brain on a regular basis, by telling stories about past, or even visit the places that you used to go to before the accident, but ... but there will definitely be an effect from it. You may experience persistent headaches, shortness of breath, nausea maybe even worse than that ", explained dr. Park with a serious face
"But if you feel otherwise, then you just need to live your life as usual, as time goes by maybe you will be able to let it go and your memories will return to normal", he replied again
"So the choices are to remember but with great risk or to remember by itself but takes time?", Sofia repeated doubtfully
"Ne. But I will still give you painkillers if needed no matter what ...", continued dr. Park
"Arasso", Sofia replied, lowering her head
I looked closely at Sofia while stroking the back of her hand.
"Doctor, I think we should think about this first, right now Sofia is too tired to make a decision," I said, smiling at Sofia
"Ye. I'm sure you will need time to think about this. I will prescribe some medicine for you. And if you have anything you want to ask, feel free to contact me", said dr. Park while giving his business card and writing a prescription for medicine
"Ne. Thank you doctor ...", said Sofia, smiling a little
We were still holding hands when we left dr. Park's room. Sofia seemed to be still thinking about what the neurologist had just said. She didn't pay attention to her surroundings so I was the one who guided her in doing everything.
Even when we got in the car, Sofia just stood still and stared at the empty street in front of us.
"Sobi, gwaenchana?", I asked several times
And she just answered my question with a nod.
When we got home, it was 11 o'clock in the evening. Sofia went straight to her room to rest, while I was busy cooking something for dinner. We didn't have time to eat dinner during the examination.
I made sundubu jigae (tofu stew), a simple dish and easy to make. Throughout my dinner, I kept thinking about what Doctor Park had said and wondering what decision Sofia would make.
Sofia's relationship with her parents is very close. I could even say that she was Uncle Han's sweetheart. I think Sofia was shocked when she lost her father and it traumatized her.
At least I'm grateful to know why Sofia is like this. Doctor Park explained things very well earlier, I hope he can help Sofia well.
I sighed and started tidying up the rest of my dinner. Then I prepare dinner for Sofia, she has to eat something too, I thought. I brought a tray of sundubu jigae, white rice and pickled radish for her.
"Sobi~aah, are you sleeping?", I called from the front door of her room
"Not yet. Wae?", Sofia replied softly
"I brought your dinner. Can I come in?", I asked again
"Ne," she replied
I opened the door to her room, Seoul city lights lit up this dim room. I saw Sofia sitting still at the end of her bed, staring at the glittering Seoul.
"Sobi, gwaenchana?", I asked her after I put the tray of food on her bedside table
"I don't know .... ", she replied, still staring at the city in silence
"Eat, you must be hungry right?", I said while sitting beside her
"Ani. I'm not hungry", she replied with a sigh
"What are you thinking?", I asked looking at the city from her window
"Many things ...", she replied briefly
Then we were quiet for a long time ...
"Yeobo, I think I understand now why my mom never talks about the accident. She definitely didn't want me to be like this," she said suddenly
"Huh?", I muttered looking at her
"I don't know what to do .... When I first remembered my father's face I was so happy, that I thought that the pain I was experiencing was comparable to the feeling of happiness I felt after remembering his smile. But now ... will I feel happy when I finally found out the cause of the accident? I lost my father at that time, I'm afraid that remembering those memories will make me feel worst ... ", she said with teary eyes
"If I don't want to remember it, will you forgive me, yeobo? Because that means I won't remember about you and my life while in Daegu too ...", she said again looking at me
"Sobi ...", I muttered, staring into her eyes
"I just want to get on with my life ..." Sofia said, a tear running down her cheek
I lowered my face, didn't want to see her like this. I shook my head and put on a smile before looking back at her face.
"Sobi~aah, gwaenchana! This is your life, you have the right to choose whatever you want to do ...", I smiled at her
"Jinjja?", She asked in a choked voice
"Ye. If you don't want to remember your past, it is your choice. I will respect it, of course ...", I said
"Gomawo, yeobo ...", she said, smiling weakly
* ringring
Sofia's cell phone rang, I saw Taehyung's name on the screen. I turned my gaze back to the window, why do I feel irritated ?!
"Sorry, I have to pick this up," Sofia said, picking up the cell phone that was lying between us
"Yeobosseyo?", she said. "Oppa, ne ... I, I haven't slept yet. Uh? Tomorrow? Ummm okay ...", she stammered
"I'll be back in my room then ...," I said as I got up and walked slowly leaving Sofia's room
"Huh? Ye ...", replied Sofia as she closed her cellphone so that our voices were not heard by V
When I was in my room, I sit on the couch and stared at the dark floor. Why does my heart hurt?. Come on Yoongi, that's her life! you may be disappointed with her decision but you have to keep supporting her. Even though it means she will never remember our childhood memories ...
Our marriage is based on past relationships. If she doesn't want to remember that past, then what will this relationship be in the future? And she seemed to have found someone she was comfortable with.
"Then what am I? She is not the same Sofia, and she didn't have the feelings she felt for me like when we were kids. She will never like me ...", I said bitterly while chuckling exasperatedly
Should I let it go? Our relationship has always been going in circles like this, I guess I'm tired of struggling alone, I thought, clutching my hair.
Sofia has made up her mind, and I think I have to make a decision about our marriage too ....
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