Chapter 1: An Inconvenient Beginning
Imagine if you will, a twenty-five year old man running for his life; being targeted for death for unknown reasons. He's lived his whole life as humbly and peacefully as possible like any well-mannered human should; only to be unbelievably pursued by a trio of little demons that wanted him dead for some unknown evil he may have done in the past or recently. And that human that you're seeing is me, Barry Townsend.
I'm never one to get into trouble nor to start any. And yet despite all that patience and hard work into being a good person earning an honest living, trouble still found me and wanted to fuck my life up. As far as I was concerned, I wasn't going to die without getting some goddamn answers about why this was happening to me and who wanted me gone. It's hard to believe I was just getting done with another day of work and going home when all hell broke loose for me.
By some stroke of god-given luck, I made it home nearly out of breath and feeling like luck was against me. Searching frantically, I found my Ruger Mark IV in my room and loaded it with a spare clip I always kept handy in case of trouble. Standing by my door, I cocked it and held it ready for shooting. "Oh please lord! Please help me get through this ordeal alive and in one piece. I promise to make it up to you for whatever I did wrong. Just give me an answer of why this is happening to me." I muttered to myself. Holding my gun close to me, I kept my cool and tried to keep a clear head.
Just when I felt at ease, something crashed through my bedroom window there were the three little demons mentioned before (I later found out they were imps) and landed right on me bed. Two of them obviously were male with the third was female and all of them had red skin. The lady she-imp had a long, demonic tail with white markings, red skin, eyes with yellow scleras and black pupils, and long black eyelashes that extended beyond the sides of her hair. She also had two black horns with three thin white stripes and greyish-black hair worn in a messy bob style and bangs that covered half of her right horn and a beauty mark on her left cheek and a gap between her front teeth. Her head was noticeably more human-like (and yet no nose).
Her attire consisted of black lipstick, a simple black choker, a cold-shoulder black crop top with gold buttons where the straps at the top meet the torso piece, torn black pants, fingerless black gloves, and black footwear that does not cover her hoof-like toes. She also had a black tattoo in the shape of a heart on her right shoulder, and two white splotches on the insides and outsides of each of her elbows.
The one male next to her had white freckles on his cheeks, pointy hair leading up to his curvy black and white striped horns. He also had yellow sclera with black slit pupils. His long red thin tail had a quadrilateral barb at the end, and had lanky digitigrade legs ending in what appeared to be cloven red hooves, reminiscent of artiodactylids (a fancy word for hoofed animals). He wore a navy-black coat with red buttons and white cuffs, black pants a white shirt that had a black turtleneck, a large red bow-tie, and fingerless gloves.
The other male imp was very lanky and jester-like with a pointed tail that conversely had wide-proportioned hands, pointed feet with a boot-like heel, and a narrow head with curved horns. His eyes had black lines running down the eyelids and his sclera is yellow with a red iris. His crimson skin had trace white blotches that covered his right eye and the tip of his tail, black-and-white striped horns with black spines between them running to his tail, and black stripes around his tail. A heart-shaped skull symbol rested on his forehead. He wore a torn black collared coat with red buttons, black boots (incidentally sharing the same shape as his feet), large black gloves with yellow eyes on them and a red skull charm around his neck.
They each had a weapon in hand, the two males with a gun (one with a sniper rifle, the other a flintlock pistol) and the female had a knife in hand. I kept my Ruger out in front of me, ready to fire on whoever was coming after me first. "I don't know who the fuck sent you after me, but I have the right to know the reason why I'm marked for murder. So if you would be so kind, I promise to only to take one of you down with me should you still come at me."
The demon that wore the bow tie spoke up. "Honestly, sir, we couldn't really tell you. All we know is the client who asked for us was anonymous by name and paid big for your death. Don't take it all personally, okay? It's all just business with us, so how about just putting down the gun and-"
"Oh sure Moxxie, make fucking conversation with the target before sending him off into the next life," said the jester-like demon sarcastically to the other known as Moxxie. "Just kill him already!"
"But sir, shouldn't we at least let him know something before killing him?"
"Mox, you don't fucking make nice with an animal that you're about to shoot for dinner later okay? You just shoot the thing, end of story! So stop acting a baby sucking on his mama's tits and make the kill!"
"Hang on a minute!" I said interrupting them. "As much as I hate to derive someone from their own job, I really don't want to die today. So how's about you don't eliminate me and just say that you did?" I kept my gun trained on them, not letting my guard down for one second. "That way we can all go home happy."
"We'd love to, really. But we really just can't," said the lady demon that had a southern accent. "Guilty and innocent aren't our business. Killing who we're paid to kill is our business."
"Yes thank you, Millie. At least someone here is on point. Alright gang, let's bag us another tally on the kill chart," said the jester demon, cocked pistol in hand and pointed it at me just the same as Moxxie with the sniper rifle.
It seemed like it was getting nowhere so I tried one last thing. "Wait-wait-hold on! Is there really anything I can do to persuade you guys not to kill me? I'm not really one to beg here but there's got to be some kind of deal we can work out, mister...?" I asked the jester demon.
"Blitzo is the name pal, and the 'O' is silent. And what exactly did you have in mind?"
I hesitated for a moment. "Well uh...you got a janitor?"
Blinking in surprise, Blitz didn't know exactly how to respond to that. "Uhhh...no, don't think we do. What makes you qualified?"
If I couldn't persuade them, at least it would be worth a shot. "Well, my current job I've been for about four years so far has been nothing but cleaning as a janitor usually does. I'd show my résumé to you if you don't mind me humoring you just a little longer."
Blitz's eyes narrowed in thought for a moment, feeling a bit hesitant. "Well, it's been a slow menopausal day so far. Alright, fetch it."
"This way, please." Slowly backing up through the doorway, I kept my gun up at them in case they tried to shoot me in the back (figuratively and literally) as they followed, our weapons trained on each other while moving into the living room.
Scouring through some files I kept on hand, I fumbled to find the few copies of my resume I kept on hand in case I came across a better job; and I was certainly glad I did. Never turning my head, except for only once to make sure it was the right file, I handed the small demon the printed resume in which he took from me and looked it over. "There ya go, demon dude." I said to Blitz.
"Imp actually," said Moxxie who relaxed a little with his weapon. There, you see? Told ya.
"Eh?"
"We're not demons, we're imps. Smaller and more known for having horns than demons."
"Ah. Gotcha." I gave him an understanding nod. "Funny how they never mentioned that part in religious texts," said the thoughts in my head.
After thoroughly looking it over, Blitz looked up. "How much are you asking for payment?"
"It's negotiable. Normally, I just don't question how much and either just go with it or ask how much someone's offering. But if it's anything to keep me alive, I'll do it for oh...free?" I seemed to have convinced him because I saw his eyes light up with delight at the magic word that was 'free'.
"Done!" Blitz said without hesitation. "Come with us and we can get started." Moxxie looked flabbergasted just from Blitz so easily agreeing to it, though the female imp didn't seem to mind.
"Then...you're not killing me?" I asked raising a brow, easing my gun down just a little.
"Unless we find someone better or you suck at it. Let's just see how well you do first." It was hard to tell if this imp was being sarcastic, serious, or both. Whatever the case, I wasn't going to take any chances and just play along for the sake of being alive.
"Alright Mr. Blitz, you got yourself a deal." I lowered my gun slightly a bit more but kept a mental awareness. "So when can I start?"
"How about today?" He offered as reached for his...cellphone?
"And they have cellphones too. The hell is happening right now?" I thought to myself. "Perhaps this requires a little more insight."
Blitz called for someone named Loona in order to open up a portal for them. Now I know what you're all thinking; 'Barry, why not shoot the little fuckers instead of reasoning with them?' My answer, simple. If I did, I wouldn't know exactly who or what summoned these imps to kill me. If I was coming along with them, I might as well seek some answers whether they're able to tell me or not.
In a matter of moments, a portal opened in the middle of my living room. "Okay gang, let's make a crack dealer and blow. You coming...?" Blitz took a look again at my résumé. "Barry?"
I nodded enthusiastically. "Like I have a choice," I mumbled. "Just let me grab a few things." I grabbed my wallet, my small gun case complete with gun lock and key, cleaning kit, instructions just in case and three cases of bullets, my phone's charge cord and a spare notebook with pen. "Alright, let's go. One of you first, then the other two after me. You understand, right?"
"Sure, sure. But just so that we're being on the level here,-" he extends a hand and points at my Ruger. "-how's about handing that over?"
"Once we've crossed over into Hell, then you can have it. Promise." I promised as I made a three-fingered Scout's honor salute, hand (or in this case gun) over my heart and salute in the other.
Sighing, Blitz rolled his eyes. "Okay sure, just don't pull anything or they will first." He acknowledged Moxxie and Millie having their weapons on me. If it weren't for how close the distance was between the four of us, I'd probably try a quick draw. Never thought about trying it, but better safe than sorry.
"After you," I said, gesturing for him to leave first. And so he did, arms out and falling backwards. I was up next. I began hopping into the portal when Millie was about to warn me about something. But by the time it reached my ears, it was already too late. I was hopping into whatever Hell had in store for me.
Chapter 2: Settling In
The first thing I knew, I landed flat on my fucking face. Apparently it was one of those portals that you have to enter through a certain way. "God fucking dammit," said I muffled. Moxxie and Millie had already passed through as I could tell from them walking over me. I picked my head up to see not just Blitz's feet but a furry pair in front of me as well.
"Loona," I heard Blitzo say, "I'd like for you to meet our new janitor. Barry, meet Loona. Our hellhound and my adopted daughter. Loona, Barry the flesh bag."
My eyes looked up to what I first assumed was a furry girl, but was actually a wolf-like Hellhound (although at first glance I thought she looked like a teenage female furry Husky that decided to go through that goth phase. Oh! Or if she was Keisha as a furry. Well, okay you get the idea!). She had a dog-like muzzle with sharp and pointy teeth and a dark grey nose, red sclera with white irises, white fur with grey patches on her shoulders, a big bushy tail and voluminous grey hair that swept to the side to reveal her ear. She was far taller than the imps but possibly a slight taller than I.
Her outfit consisted of a black choker that had white spikes, a grey crop top with strings shaped like a star to resemble an inverted pentagram to hold it up, fingerless gloves, and shorts with a crescent moon cut on the right side. She also had black toeless stockings that went down to her bare feet and had a piercing on her right eyebrow and two piercings in her left ear; with the exception of her right ear being torn.
Now I know what you might be thinking, stop! Just. Stop It. She may be one of the most loveliest things me or any of you have seen (if any of you have already seen the episodes), but don't you dare be thinking about honking your horn to this female hell hound; even if it is too late. And I'm looking at you, you sexual deviants of the internet! You know who you are! -You know who you are!- Ahem! Anyway,...
After getting a good look at her, (And I'm not talking about that!) I smiled and said hello. "Howdy," I said with a little wave.
She, on the other, wasn't too sure what to make of this new development. "You do know we kill humans and not kidnap them, right?" she asked her imp daddy with a brow raised (Oh great! Now I just gave the pervs another thing to go out on! 'Good job me! Good job!' I say sarcastically with eyes rolling!)
"Well, we're just making an exception for the time being, Loony! This young man is going to be doing all the free cleaning for us until further notice," he said patting me on the back.
"It's true." I said, picking myself up. "It was either that or be shot in the head so I figured, fuck it! And here I am!" The portal closed behind me as I looked around the...office? Yeah, I didn't think there would be an office in hell but there it is! Just looked like any cliched business office with the exception of some photos of the crew. "Nice little place you guys got here. Is the rest of Hell like this?" I asked once I've had good look around from where I was standing.
"Oh yeah. All modernized and everything," said Millie, her knife slung along her waist. "Although here we live separately from the demons, hence it's called Imp City."
"How's it compared to their city?"
"Well, they just went through an extermination recently. It'll be another year or so till the next one." This did get me curious, though I would probably figure it out myself later. I mean at first knowing this I assumed it was probably because of too many people going to Hell, but let's not settle on that just yet.
"Well uh,…good timing I guess." I said, hoping for a little humor to make a little mark. And...there was nothing.
"Anyway,..." said Blitz. "There's still the matter of that gun of yours. Now if you could please?" He gestured to the gun case my Ruger was still in. I looked down to it and realized that I still have it in my hand.
"Oh yeah, sure. One second." I knelt down and unlocked the gun case. Gun still in my hand, I took out the clip and cocked the gun to release the one bullet that was in it and put it back into the clip (didn't want to waste anything). Still opened, I slipped on the gun lock and locked it. I then slipped the key into my pocket just in case. Everything taken care of and the gun in the case, I handed it over Blitz. "There you go, Blitz. Everything accounted for."
"Excellent. Moxxie, throw this into the safe while I show our new employee the building," Blitz said as he threw the case to Moxxie who barely had time to think fast, nearly fumbling it. "Right this way, mon frere! Let's get started!" I followed him around for a quick tour around the office, from Loona's reception desk to the weapons room.
We finally finished it at his office where I was being shown the commercial for their company, I.M.P or as they called it 'Immediate Murder Professionals'. Basically, they're assassins for hire for anyone that was wanting revenge for either being killed for being a complete piece of shit or (in my particular case so to speak) an innocent being that was fucked in the real world. Subtle but to the point. But what set me off a little though, was the accidental murder of the kid. Where he is now who knows?
What I needed was cleaning supplies and when I brought this up, Blitz showed me the contents of the supplies closet which weren't much. All that was in there were two brooms (one a push broom and the other just a regular broom), some rags, a semi-used vacuum and just the necessary essentials for spraying and cleaning windows and such. Whether it was much or not, it would have to do. Besides, it looked like the place needed some cleaning up to do; especially the killing room. I suddenly realized the problem of where I was going to stay and had an obvious idea.
"Say, uh Blitz, how's about I stay here in the office building? I can always be ready to go here and you don't have to worry about anyone having to break in. I'd probably scare them off if they knew someone was in here."
"That would be cost effective," said Blitz in thought, thinking it over.
But Millie had the answer for him. "Better idea, why don't you just stay with us, sugar?" she proposed.
By Moxxie's expression, I didn't think he was completely on board with this idea. "Uh Millie, don't you think it's unwise to have a complete stranger stay over at our place? We aren't exactly opening up rent for just anybody."
"That's kind of you, ma'am, but I really don't want to be an inconvenience for anyone." I said. "I mean it's one thing about staying the night, but it's another staying for more than one night."
"Oh it's not that big of a deal. Besides, it's only temporary; at least until you find somewhere else to stay at. C'mon Moxxie, it could be fun!" she said, tugging on Moxxie's arm.
"If I do, I promise to pull my weight around. It's just good manners and good common sense." I interjected. "But if you're not with it, Mr. Moxxie, I can understand that completely, sir."
He seemed hesitant for a moment, then complied. "Well,...I suppose maybe for just a little while. But only as long as you do help out around the house until you find a place of your own."
"You got a deal, man." I assumed the position of Scouts' honor and made a promise. "I solemnly promise to only stay until I find a place of my own, and not to be a lazy asshole." After that, I extended a hand to him to shake on it. Blinking in surprise, he took it and shook it.
"Aww, isn't this great? I think we're going to get along just fine," said Millie pulling us into a group hug, happy that the two of us made peace.
"Yeah yeah, that's really superb. Glad you two are making golden sunshine and rainbows," said Blitz sarcastically, not really caring. "Now why don't you two leave early and get him settled in?"
"No probs, Blitz," said Millie. Turning to me, she said "C'mon buddy, let's get you settled in." She lead the two of us out the doors but before we left, I took the moment to say goodbye to Blitz and Loona.
"I'll see you guys tomorrow." I said. I then shook Blitz's hand. "Thanks for the opportunity, Blitz. I won't disappoint nor do I hope that you'll kill me."
I turned to Loona next. "It was nice to meet you, Loona. I'll see you tomorrow." I shook her hand before giving her the old 'gentleman's kiss' to said hand, which surprised everyone and made Loona blush a little. "Okay let's go!" I walked out the door as the couple followed behind me.
We arrived at their place after a seventeen minute drive. By the looks of the neighborhood, I'd say Queens may have had some inspiration for this sketchy part of Hell (apologies to New Yorkers if that's inaccurate); or maybe New Jersey who knows. It looked like a typical worn apartment building that any graduate, high school or otherwise, would probably start out with. To make a long story short we went inside, took a small tour around the apartment ya-da-ya-da-ya-da, and made arrangements for me to sleep on the couch which thankfully had a pull-out bed and tomorrow I'd ask Blitz if I could possibly go back to my apartment and get some small essentials like my toothbrush and such. As we were just wrapping up some of the small details and ground rules, my phone rang. Amazed by the fact that my phone had actual reception down here, I took a moment before checking who it was: my mom. Ah hell!
"Would you guys excuse me for just a minute? I gotta take this." I explained. They said yes and they stepped into their room for a moment while I had some privacy. I then answered my phone. "Hello? Hey mom. Yeah I'm doing great. Well I just got offered a new job that's out of state,...what made me want to do this job? Well,..." How was I to put this in a way that wouldn't come across as suspicious? "It's...well let's just say that it's an opportunity I couldn't pass up. What's the job? Janitorial work, but at a major business that's paying the big bucks. No, I haven't found out the full details of whether they have the necessary insurance policies or not yet. (Hell, I don't think they even have insurance policies here anyway.) Where's the job at? Uhhhh....Jersey. Yeah definitely New Jersey. (Hey, Detroit isn't all that bad!) No Mom, I don't want to pass this up. They're paying good money here. About twenty an hour! (Yeah, of course I have to lie! Wouldn't you?) When I get the chance I'll send you the company's info. Yes I know what I'm doing, okay? I'll be fine. Am I sure?" I sighed. How could I be sure about this? It's not like I had any choice, even if there was. It's one of those days you just have to have faith and if the worst happens, well that's life for ya. After a bit of a pause, I answered her. "Yeah, I'm sure about it. Yeah, I know Dad might have the same opinion as you. I'll let you know more of the details when I do. I'll be okay." I reassured her. "I know, I know. Okay, I will. Love you too, mom. Okay, bye."
I ended the call, letting out a little sigh again. How this would ever be explained to my family I don't know. Everyone in the godforsaken world thinks that life can be simplified but it can't and probably won't ever be. "You okay there, Barry?"
I jumped a little from the unexpected break in the peace and looked to see Moxxie and Millie standing behind me, looking a little more sympathetic in the face. "Uh yeah, yeah. I'm good, I'm okay. It's...fine." I answered half convincingly.
"You sure you don't want to go back? We could call off the hit and just say that we did."
"If I did, it would be going against my deal. Even if I did go back, I'll never know who sent you guys to kill me. I never did anything wrong to anyone and this is what I get? To hell with that bullshit, pardon the expression! This is something I need to know and I'll find out about it one way or another."
"But what about money?" asked Moxxie. "How would you plan to do so without any money? Didn't you just agreed to...?"
"Yes, Moxxie, I know. I did say I'd do it for free and I'll do so nonetheless. A deal's a deal. As for making money, I'll just have to find some way to transfer what I got left into some different bank as well as some other way to make a living with a second job. How to go about it I don't know exactly, but I'm sure I'll think of something. Because that's what being an adult is all about, being able to roll with the punches and adapt the best one can."
The two of them looked speechless by what I said and at first I thought it didn't make sense to them. "Okay, it may not make sense to you guys but that's just how I feel about it okay? I'm only-"
"We get it, Barry," said Millie interrupting me. She touched my arm reassuringly. "You're being grown up about it. But you can't really do all of it on your own. We'd be happy to help you out with anything you need."
"You really don't mind?"
"Well,...I suppose we could help you with just the essentials that you need," said a reluctant Moxxie, still seeming a bit unsure of the situation. "But you are welcome to stay here for as long as you need to." His wife looked pleased by his response and happily grinned at him.
"Well, if you two really don't mind about it at all,..." I smiled, feeling convinced. "Alright then, I accept. Moxxie. Millie. Thank you. For everything."
"Aww it's always a pleasure, sweetie." Millie gave me a little squeeze that was friendly and caring in intention. She seemed so sweet and kind, it's fucking hard to believe she's an assassin. But I guess everyone's different in their own way, am I right? So after that moment of peace, Mills offered ordering takeout for tonight in honor of this special occasion. I said yes and the rest just played out as you could imagine; we had dinner and settled in for the night a little while later.
As I laid there on the couch, I wondered in my mind if this was really going to play out well for me. Hopefully well if I had a better disguise on hand. I'm sure I'll think of something. With that little detail to be taken care of, I'm sure the rest would be handled easily just so long as I keep and use my head with clarity. Whatever happens, it'll be a hell of an adventure.
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