Chapter 5: ASH
I have never felt more alive in years. I was so pumped, I wore my most expensive clothes, which isn't that expensive by the way, and I sprayed perfume all over my outfit. This is the biggest proposal I'll ever be in and I wanted everything to be perfect.
Monday morning commutes are the worst. My apartment is just a bus away from the The Observer Publishing Company, where the Eagle office is, but the heavy traffic makes it feel like forever. I wore my best collared button-up long-sleeves, but the sun is up so early today so the long bus ride made me all sweaty.
The office was everything I expected and more. The Observer is the largest and highest-selling publisher in North Carolina and some of their photographers even get featured in big magazines in New York, Georgia, Ohio, and Virginia. Technically, being a photographer here means a huge success. All of their equipment were state-of-the-art. I even got more thrilled about the cameras they might be using. I can't wait to touch one of those.
I entered a glass covered room that was just big enough for a group of five people to hold a meeting. Mrs. Johnson, a woman in her late 40s, was sitting on the other end of a long table. She was wearing a dark coat and a peach blouse underneath. She was also wearing glasses. She has this shiny, black bob cut hair but she doesn't look Asian so maybe she had it dyed. She was flipping through the pages of my portfolio and when she saw me, she motioned me to sit down at the middle of the table.
I was nervous the moment I jumped on the bus but now I am a lot more. The glass table made me tremble even more, and I can see through it that my legs were trembling. I hope she doesn't hear my heart pumping deafeningly loud.
"These were impressive, Mr…" she flipped the portfolio to the first page to look for my name. "Mr. Clayton."
I smiled nervously at her.
"But," she removed her glasses and set them carefully over my portfolio. "we are actually looking for photojournalists. And I hope you do understand the difference."
I do. I really do. But I just didn't know why I couldn't capture through the right angle that makes a photograph look more natural and moving. More alive.
I smiled at her again but this time, less nervous. "Yes, I do." I didn't know what else to say because I didn't know how to please her. Should I say I'll come back with better samples?
"Trina?" She called her secretary from outside the room. A short blonde girl motioned me outside and called the applicant next in line. Everything was in a blur. Did I just get rejected?
I walked outside the building devastated. I know these things happen all the time to almost everyone else but this isn't just one of my options, this is my dream. This is the only grip I have to prove myself to my family, that I can be successful in the field I chose. I thought moving to the big city of Charlotte will give me the opportunity to be a successful photographer but I'm starting to think that I made the wrong choice.
Back in Leondale, I used to be on top of my game. It was just a small town and isn't very populous. So I felt like my career had already hit its peak. And I wanted more. My parents have always been against my passion in art because for them, that isn't where the money is. So I left for Charlotte and started freelancing for big companies while at the same time building my portfolio. I've always dreamt of working for Eagle, because working for them doesn't only put me on the top list of the best photographers in North Carolina, but also the most famous photographer back in my hometown. And I want my parents to know that. And I want them to be proud of me.
I've tried everything else. Wildlife, fashion, everything that you could think of. But my goal in every photograph is to capture life, but not as you know it. I hope you get me. What I mean is, photographs are usually meant to capture life, to take pictures of what was there. Nature, the life of celebrities, or even everyday life. But that's what we see almost everyday. I wanted to capture things that you don't usually see in pictures. The mundane things that we usually ignore because we think they aren't worth capturing. Or the scenes that happen behind closed doors. I kept trying and trying but I still couldn't find the right angle, or the right place, nor the right time to click a camera.
My career is the most important thing for me. Photography is my first love and skyrocketing into the top of it is my mission here in the city. So I will not give up until I land that job at Eagle.
I didn't realize I was still looking up on the building. I just went back to reality when I heard someone call my name. I turned to my side and saw a pretty girl in a pretty floral dress. It's the kind of dress you wear when it's humid, and she nicely paired it with a pair of sunny sandals.
She still has her wavy dark blonde hair, a tanned skin, and the necklace I once gave her. I missed her, but not in a romantic way.
��Hey, how have you been? Do you work here now?" She's still as gleeful as she was a year ago. She looked at the building for a while, but I didn't think she realized there sits the largest publication in the state.
"Actually, yes." I wanted to be honest, but my ego interrupted and told me to not shame myself in front of my ex-lover. She looked amazed somehow, but I couldn't tell if she was faking.
"So Sarah, I didn't know you live in Charlotte now."
She chuckled and lightly tapped my shoulder. "It's because I don't. I'm just visiting a friend." She's still smiling.
"Circe? I thought she moved to New York?"
"No. Ronan. I'm visiting my boyfriend." Well I didn't see that one coming. It's already been a year since we broke up but it never crossed my mind that she'll see other guys after me. Especially not guys from here.
"I thought long distance never works for you?" I tried my best to say that with the least expression to let her know I'm over it. Because I really am. I just couldn't believe that she's dating a guy from the city. Who isn't me.
"I never said that. I was willing to make it work with you, I just didn't feel like you wanted to." I was baffled by her words but I didn't want to ask. She continued anyway. "Because your career has always been your priority, it was never me." We stood there in a long pause. I did not know what to say. She said all those words politely, like the last thing she ever wants is to hurt me.
We were best friends for eight years before we decided to take it to another level. We grew up together in the small town of Leondale, we biked our way to school, we climbed up every tree, we knew every nook and cranny of the town. And I knew her like the back of my hand. We were together for three long years. We lived together. We were almost married. But I grew incontent of that life. I wanted to pursue a career in the city, and she didn't. I wanted to make my parents proud, and she already has.
So I told her I'll try my luck here in Charlotte to go forward in my career. I thought she hated that idea, because she couldn't come with me. She's already the boss in her department and I didn't want to mess that up either. But I couldn't stay. So I left. The town, my parents, my friends. Her.
"I'm sorry," was all I could utter. I really was. But I didn't see any point in responding with what she said. They were true anyway, that I cared for my career too much that I lost her. And this may be rude to say, but I'd still do it over and over again. I'm a career-driven man and I don't see anything wrong with that.
She smiled warmly. "Why are we even talking about that? We're both past that. I'm over it, you are too. And look, you landed the job of your dreams." She looked a little more excited than she was earlier. I froze for a moment, realizing she actually knew what building we were.
"You know what building this is?"
"Of course! Ronan works at The Observer, too. He's a columnist at Eagle."
I stopped at my tracks the moment I heard that. I've got to get out of here now before I blow myself up with the lies.
"Oh there he is. Hey sweetie, look who's here!" Sarah almost bounced with joy telling her boyfriend about me. How we were best friends and how I left our small town for The Observer. She left out the part where we dated, though, which for me is good because at least it wouldn't be so awkward for me working with Ronan, someday.
"Really? For what magazine?" Ronan was one tough guy.
I wandered my eyes quickly and saw a woman reading a Spotlight magazine. It is the fashion and entertainment arm of The Observer. "Uhmm, Spotlight."
"Oh my God, I love Spotlight!" screamed Sarah. Wrong move again.
"Yeah, me too. Hey I need to go, my cat is waiting for me." That was the stupidest thing to say because she knows I'm a dog person but I panicked and I needed to get away.
I tapped them both once in the shoulder and left without looking back. Could this day get any worse?
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