Chapter 12: Remus Lupin ✔ Letters
I don't need love. That's what I keep saying to myself. That wasn't a surprising manner if it comes to a girl who grew up in a muggle orphanage after her parents abandoned her.
That was me.
I never felt any love, even inside the orphanage. They don't want me there, well, simply because I can do things they can't. I am what the muggles call, Freak. I've accepted that reluctantly. That was until I've received my Hogwarts letter on the day of my eleventh birthday. Without thinking twice, I did everything the letter said. And thank Merlin I did, because I've found a real home after that.
I got friends I never had in the muggle world. I studied lessons no one in the muggle world can even imagine. I got to ride a flying broom, and feel the fresh breezing air whip my skin.
I never felt so contented in my life. But I still lack something, I know that.
A partner.
I'm not rushing myself when it comes to that case, but I can't help the jealousy tugging at my chest every time I see my friends happy with their partners. All I did was watch them. It sometimes makes me feel stupid for doing so. But what can I do? I wasn't pretty. Smart, yes. But not pretty.
Others told me that I am pretty, yet, I can't put my mind onto it believe it. No matter how much I try, I can't. That's what I think of myself. Obviously, poorly. Yet, that all changed with just a single letter, written on the wall of the library. Hidden from everyone, unless you are like me who always hides in the deepest and darkest place you can find when you're finally tired of your boring life.
For me, it was at the end of the library. The last shelf covering it in the restriction area, which was the darkest part of the room at night. It became my sanctuary which I go to every night when I can't sleep.
Like tonight.
I lift the oil lamp I brought with me to the wall I was just leaning into. Squinting my eyes to read what was written on it.
"If someone's reading this... Congrats! I've wasted your time at something stupid."
There's no humor on it, at all, but I can't help the stupid grin spreading on my lips as I reread it. I even lift my finger to trace the letters, only to feel the rough and dusty wall.
Finally letting the stupid vibe spread in my body and use it as adrenaline, I hastily roam my eyes around the library to look for something I can use to write an answer on the wall. I didn't see anything where I sat, so I push myself up and silently walk around. Thanking Merlin that the strict librarian wasn't around, as I let out a triumphant 'yes'.
Quickly covering my mouth, I grab the quill and ink bottle that I saw on the librarian's desk and run back to the farthest end of the library. Sitting down on the cold floor, I dip the quill into the ink and start writing.
"You made my time worth it. It's amusing. Hello!"
Shrugging at my silliness, I get up from sitting and grin down on the letter I wrote on the wall, before returning the quill and ink on the librarian's desk. I glance back at the last shelf in the farthest end before I make my way out of the library and back to the Gryffindor's tower.
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My journey to the library became constant after the second night. Something riled up inside me at the sight of the new letters wrote on the wall, just undermine.
"It's a pleasure to know that someone finds my silliness amusing. Hi, by the way."
I know it's stupid to feel happy with an anonymous letter from an anonymous person, but I can't help it.
I brought my quill and ink that time, and write another answer under the new letter.
"I think it's cool. Hello, again."
The anonymous letters to each other became a constant hobby of mine and whoever I am writing to. To the point that I even spent hours at night staring at the beautiful penmanship of whoever wrote the letters.
It continued for weeks. Letters consisting of silly jokes or greetings.
"I think I just found my soulmate."
"Really? Who?"
"You!"
"Me?! Aren't you mistaken? You've never seen me in person."
"I don't need to see you or anything to know it. Just the fact that you find my silliness and stupidity for writing in the wall, amusing, it made me sure of it."
"Wow! That was your longest letter!"
"Yes. And I see you're constant of your short ones."
"I don't really like writing. But, it is amusing for me to write this in the first place. Maybe because I was curious?"
"I think I'm already influencing the length of your answers. But, are you sure it was curiosity, or you've already fallen for me?"
"Fallen? We don't even know the sexuality of each other."
"I am a hundred percent sure virgin!"
"What?! I was talking about gender!"
The letters kept like that for more weeks, and even though I don't like to admit it, I think am falling for whoever was the writer. I felt stupid about it. All I know about him were the fact that he's a guy. He's a Gryffindor and in the same year as I am. But how could I figure out who he is with just that information?! There's a lot of guys in the Gryffindor and around the same year as I am.
I got planned to ask him about it. I actually, set a meeting day and time. I got to that point, but I got nothing.
After I wrote about it, I never got his response.
"I know this is sudden... And stupid, let's not forget about that, but... I wanted to meet you in person. I bet you're nice and a fun guy to be with. Can we meet up? At the Great Hall, tomorrow. Lunchtime. You'll know who I am. I'll wait for you."
That was a week ago. I waited for him, but he didn't come. I thought that maybe, he just didn't figure out who I was, but no way he can't figure out who I am. I've lent all the details of my features. There's no one around Hogwarts, that has the same features that I have. But why didn't he show up?
Maybe I should've given him my name in the first place.
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Few more weeks passed by, and I didn't get another answer. I had stupidly put my hopes up on something completely ridiculous.
"So, have you found yourself a date for the visit to Hogsmeade?"
My head snapped to where the voice came from, Lily's face greeting me along with her boyfriend's, James. Behind them are Sirius and Remus.
"What do you mean?" Lily fake gasped upon hearing me.
"What do you mean, what I mean?! Didn't I told you to find a date for the upcoming Hogsmeade visiting?" I frown after hearing this, finally remembering how Lily pushes me on getting one, even though I had told her many times that I won't.
"In case you had missed what I also said, I'm going to repeat it for you. I. Don't. Want. To. Go."
Before Lily can even react, Sirius had beat her to it. He jumps right beside me and let out a fake dramatic sigh.
"Why?! Had no one asked my lovely flower, out?" I roll my eyes at the nickname he got used to calling me.
"We both know someone did."
James motion his eyebrows up and down on me, a smirk on his lips, acting like he had figured out something fishy, while Lily just squeals at me. Even more excited than me. Remus, on the other hand, scowls at it, and that pissed me off. He had been acting like that with me all this time. I'm sure he doesn't like me, but can he suppress it even for a bit? He wasn't even trying. I wouldn't be surprised if he screams right at my face someday.
"Who is it?! Do we know him?!" I chuckled at Lily when she grabs my arm and grips it, obviously trying to show me how happy she is for me.
"Of course, you know him. He's your boyfriend's best friend."
A small grin had found its way on my lips after seeing Lily's flushed face upon hearing me mentioned the 'boyfriend' word. It's not that she wasn't proud that she's in a relationship with James, but it's just, she still can't believe that she falls in love with the guy she was annoyed with in the first place.
"Sirius did?!" James mumbled out, literally gasping out. Glancing at Sirius who only shrugs at him, before pecking a playful kiss on my cheek.
Sirius and I have no romantic relationship. Well, we flirt most of the time, but that was before the letters. I had kindly asked him that maybe it is time to stop our games and he was reluctant about it, because he's tired of his girlfriends, (girlfriends, as in plural) asking him to break up with me. I can't help but laugh about it. I mean, Sirius and I don't even like each other in that way. It was more on pleasurable affections.
"What happened to your girlfriends? Why not ask them?"
Sirius chuckled beside me. He had maybe seen how I roll my eyes at Remus for asking that. I wasn't mad at him. It's just, why does he always sound so irritable, mad, and frustrated when I'm around? He doesn't act like that when he's with the others. I had seen him all those times. Wait. Did I just make that sound out as if I was stalking him? Which I don't... Well, maybe a little. But no one can blame me. Remus is the most interesting guy out of the three. He's the most sensible of them, and he doesn't make me feel like I could kill anyone every time. James and Sirius love to make me feel that.
"No one would want to go with a girlfriend that always wants to snog and cuddle. So, I ask her. I can enjoy visiting with her because all she'll do is stare at things or hit me if I did something wrong." Sirius wink at me, before leaning once again. I shake my head and push his face away from mine.
"Unfortunately for him, I had kindly and beautifully rejected his offer." James then burst out laughing when Sirius' grin turned into a scowl. Lily let out a small chuckle, while Remus remained silent.
"I think you did the right thing, but just let me ask this. Why?" I smile at them when they all look at me intently. Anticipating my answer.
"Like I said. I am not going." This time, Lily frowned at me.
"Are you sure about that? Is there something wrong?" I hastily wave my hands in front of them to dismiss the worries building upon the atmosphere around the four of us and flash them a smile.
"Nothing's wrong, Lily. I'm fine. I swear to Merlin. It's just, I had to check something later, and I bet it would take hours."
Lily's frown, deepen upon this. She squints her eyes over me, and lean. Forcing me to back away a bit.
"Are you seeing someone, secretly? Because, if you do, we're not gonna get mad." I let out a laugh, and shake my head, before patting James on the shoulder.
"James. Could you please calm your girlfriend down? She's starting to talk about nonsense now." Again, Lily blush, shyly burying her face on James' shirt.
James gives me a grin along with a satisfied thumbs up, which I just roll my eyes to, and laugh.
I watch in amusement as James tries to cheer Lilly up, while Sirius tease Lily more and making things a lot embarrassing to her. I then happened to glance at Remus, who remained silent on the side. I stare at him and let out a sigh. When will I ever get this guy to ease around me?
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I waited for the others to left the school for Hogsmeade, before I sneak inside the restriction area of the library without getting caught by the librarian. Thanks to James' invisibility cloak, which I borrowed earlier before they left. It was really hard to convince him to let me borrow it without telling him what will I do with it. He kept asking, and I was fortunate that Lily had pulled him away from me before I can even let it slip out of my lips.
I plop myself on a sit, down on the cold floor of the library. Staring disappointedly at the still unanswered letter of mine, along with the questions bombarding my mind relentlessly.
What did I do wrong? Did he finally find the exchanging of letters, ridiculous? Is he tired of it? Gosh! I think I'm gonna lose my mind.
I left the library early after that. Not staying for even an hour like I'm used to doing before. I waited for the others in the Gryffindor common room and tried to free my mind of the frustrating thoughts.
The others came back after three hours of waiting. They even caught me sleeping on the couch near the fire, and was woken up by Lily. We all went to the Great Hall for the feast that night, which I didn't enjoy even though I tried to. The letters kept bugging me when it shouldn't be in the first place.
Why? Why do I feel hurt upon thinking that whoever the guy who wrote the letter was finally tired of it?! Why do I make it out like a big deal?! Why am I so affected?!
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I can't sleep that night. It's a usual thing for me since I have ADHD, so it's a given that it would be really hard for me to settle down that quickly. But this time, I can't sleep because my heart is pounding hard against my ribs.
Letting out a frustrated groan, I push myself out of my bed, checking if Lily is asleep, before walking out of the dorm, and out of the Gryffindor tower.
I sneak into the library with ease and went straight for the farthest end. Expecting myself to stay glued on the floor, watching the letters like a crazy person for hours. Alone in the dark, thinking about the stupid reasons why would the anonymous guy get tired of answering back, or why he didn't even come to meet me up.
I am completely wrong...
I lifted the oil lamp I was holding to see him clearly, and he didn't even look like he notices me because he didn't dare look back. He looks engross in something.
His back turned against me, I can see a guy silently moving. His light brown, almost gray hair was ruffled as if he had just run his fingers through it a hundred times. His shoulder sack like he just walk through something miserable. He looks defeated even though he wasn't facing me. And I know a guy who always looks like him.
Hesitating, I walk towards him and softly called his name.
"Remus... What are you doing here?"
His body stiffened at the mention of his name. Squinting my eyes because he didn't turn around to look at me, I peek over his shoulder, just to frown when I notice the quill in his hand and the new words written under the last letter I wrote.
"Sorry..."
My brows furrowed for a moment, my eyes glancing between him and the new letter, then back to him again. My eyes then widen at the sudden realization.
"It was you?!"
This time, it was his turn to frown. He looks at me, then at his letter, then back to me.
"What do you mean, me?"
"It was you who wrote the letters."
He squints his eyes over me, then glances back at the letters. His eyes widen as mine did earlier. He slowly lifts his hand to the wall, his fingers softly brushing against the letters I wrote to answer his.
Biting my lower lip, I hesitantly take the place beside him. Grabbing his hand, and softly putting it down.
"So... You're the one who finds my silliness, amusing?"
Remus glance at my hand that I intertwined with his, before looking back at my eyes. I smiled at him and softly nodded.
"I told you. It was amusing. Not silly."
I felt Remus' hand grip mine, before lifting them to kiss the back of it. I smile at the gesture before we both look back at the letters.
"I can't believe that I had known the girl who keeps writing back at my letters, all this time."
"You're not alone on that." I let out a chuckle, a stupid grin plastered on my lips.
But it didn't last long... I have to ask him.
Remus may have noticed the sudden change in my mood, because I felt another tight squeeze on my hand, making me turn my head to look at him.
"What's wrong?"
"Why? Why didn't you answer my letter right away? You could've said no if you don't want to meet up. I had waited for you the next day. My nerves are all over the place, and questions are driving me mad."
Remus let go of my hand. I thought he got mad about my question, but then butterflies start swarming inside my stomach when Remus's arm softly wrap around my waist. I look at him, and he only smiles at me.
"Because I started falling for the girl I had never met in person."
His answer spoiled my mood. A frown settled on my face. I tried to push him off me because I was a bit disappointed, but Remus didn't let go of me. He pulled me closer, and his arms wrapping tighter than earlier.
"What's wrong with that?!"
"Will you please let me finish before you start hitting me, Love?"
Okay! I am not hitting him! I had never hit him at all. But that was unfair! How could I resist him when he called me 'Love'?! I can feel the butterflies rampaging inside my stomach. My heart pounding hard against my chest. And his amuse chuckle didn't help at all.
"It was because I know deep inside my heart, I love you more than the girl I had been writing to."
This time, my head snapped to stare at his dark brown eyes, which only reflects me and nothing at all. Making me feel like, all his everything is centered on me.
"Y-You love me?! But I thought... I thought you don't like me! Bloody Merlin! I even thought you hate me."
"Hate you? Why would you think that?"
"Well, smartass, you've been scowling all the time when I'm around."
I cross my arms across my chest when he scratches the back of his head with his free hand.
"That's because... I don't know how to approach you, and... You've been snogging around with Sirius."
I can't help a laugh from bursting out of me. It's just, Remus looks like a kid that had been caught stealing candy at a candy store. He looks fucking handsome with the tinge of pink tainting his cheeks.
"Are you jealous?!" I amusingly asked, softly pinching his cheeks.
"Maybe?" I chuckled at Remus's honesty. He didn't even try to hide it at all.
"So... Can we meet up now?" Remus grins widely at me, catching up on my joke.
"Are you sure you want to call it meet up? 'Cause I think it should be 'Date'."
Not asking for permission even though I felt like he should be the one taking the first step, I grab his necktie with the combination of colors, red and yellow, and lean into his space. Brushing my lips softly against his. I felt his body stiffened, but then it relaxed a second later, followed by a wide grin on his lips that I felt against the kiss.
Remus pulled away, then softly cup my face to lean his forehead on mine.
"I love you, Amusement." I slightly frowned at the nickname he gave me.
"That sounded like a place. Well, nevermind. I love you too, Silliness. Gosh! That sounds corny." Remus let out a melodic laugh, before pecking a kiss on my nose, softly brushing his own after it.
"You know what's amusing?" I hum at his question, then rest my head against his shoulder.
"Looks like Hogwarts destined the two of us. It made the path, and we walked right into it."
I grin at his words and lift my head to lean on him once again. Our lips brushing against each other once more.
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