Chapter 2: Chapter One: The Meet
"Close your eyes and take a deep breath. The smooth, soothing voice of Dr. William, my therapist said. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying my very best to relax.
The soft sound of birds chirping could be heard from outside. Weirdly, it made me all the more relaxed.
"Are you fully relaxed?" He asked, his voice soft and calm.
I nodded, sinking deeper into the soft white couch I laid upon.
"Now, I want you to think of the least fearful situation for you. Something that involves the outside world but doesn't seem so scary." He said, his voice growing softer almost hypnotic.
When he said this I thought about the least dangerous thing I could.
My imagination was instantly filled with me sitting on a field. Grasses covered the whole ground and that was all I could see for miles.
Beautiful flowers were all around me and I could almost smell them.
I looked at the clear blue sky which was filled with clouds. It was so peaceful. My lips curved into a smile as I admired the beauty of the scene.
My happiness was short lived though. All the flowers around me seemed to have wilted away. And it was suddenly dark. The sky was empty. No moon, nor stars.
Taking a second to blink and opening my eyes I realized the scenery had changed. It was a place I could never forget. Just outside my house, I had caused my twin brother's death.
I watched the scene unfold. I watched my thirteen years old self run out of the house with my brother and parents in pursuit.
I screamed, trying to call their attention but it seemed I was invisible.
I watched the car almost hit me but I couldn't look at what happened next. I covered my ears but this just seemed to make his scream louder.
I heard my brother's bone chilling scream, followed by my parents and then mine.
Once again, I was reminded of what a monster I am. I knelt down and cried. Sobs racked through my entire body. My heart ached.
Suddenly, they all appeared in front of me.
"It's all your fault."
"You monster."
They all kept repeating these words.
"No, no ,no. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to happen." I muttered under my breath, shaking my head from side to side.
"You killed me." My brother said, crouching in front of me.
"You killed me." He kept on repeating, getting louder each time.
I couldn't take it anymore. I covered my ears and screamed, trying to drown out the voices.
I sucked in a deep breath, rising from bed so fast I think I gave myself a whiplash.
I looked around and sighed in relief when I realized it was just a dream.
I don't think my therapy sessions are helping with my nightmares.
I sighed and climbed out of bed. I took a long bath, trying to scrub away that horrible nightmare from my memory.
When I was finally done with my shower, I dressed up and ran downstairs, wanting to watch SpongeBob to eliminate that nightmare since the shower didn't seem to have helped.
I stopped in my tracks when I saw we had company. All eyes turned to me and my heart felt like it was about to fall out of my chest from how hard it was beating. Four pair of eyes were staring back at me.
I gulped and turned around, already making my way towards the stairs before I was called back by my mom.
"Gianna. Can I speak to you in the kitchen?" She asked, already walking towards the kitchen.
I quickly followed her, wanting to get away from those people as fast as I could.
"What's going on mom? Who are they?" I asked immediately we got to the kitchen.
"That woman is my best friend. Don't you remember her? Nadia Brown?" She asked, eyebrows raised.
I thought back to my childhood. I suddenly remember seeing her at birthday parties with her son.
"I've seen her a few times. But what's she doing here?" I asked, lowering my voice so I won't be heard.
"I know it bothers you that she's here and trust me I want you to be comfortable but she really needs my help. Her house burnt down." She said.
My heart tightened in my chest.
"Oh my God. Are they all okay?" I asked, genuinely worried. Losing a loved one is no joke. I should know.
"Yeah, they're fine but have nowhere to stay." She said.
I was beginning to catch on to what she was saying. "No relatives?" I asked in a tiny voice.
"No. They're from the UK and have no family here. I'm sorry sweetie. Will you be okay with them staying here for a while?" She asked, eyebrows furrowed. Her blue eyes showed how worried she was.
I sighed and nodded.
"Are you sure honey. I don't want your situation to get worse." She said.
I didn't want to disappoint her. I'm already a big disappointment as it is. This was the least I could do for her.
"Yes Mom. I'm sure." I said, forcing a smile on my face.
"How about I introduce to to her kids. Are you up for that or is it too much?" She asked.
It always makes me sad when she was walks on eggshells around me. I couldn't blame her though, my panic attacks are no jokes.
"I'll be fine Mom. Let's go." I said, taking a deep breath to calm my racing heart. I hope my social anxiety can take a side step so I can get through this introduction without a paint attack.
I haven't seen a person other than my mom, dad, therapist and home school teachers for months. So this is a big step for me.
I walk into the living room with my mom. We take seat opposite my mom's best friend and her kids, a little girl who was about 11 years old and a boy who looked about my age or older. His eyes connected to mine and I quickly looked away, fondling with my fingers.
"Nadia-" mom started, looking at her best friend, "- I believe you remember my daughter, Gianna." She said
"Of course. She's grown up so much. Look how pretty she is." Nadia said, her British accent was so strong.
I managed to look up and give a tight lipped smile. My heart was beating so fast, my breathing becoming slightly uneven.
"Gianna, these are Nadia's children, Zoe and Asher." Mom said.
The little girl, Zoe, smiled at me and I tried my best to smile back.
"Nice to see you again, Gianna." Asher, the older boy, said, his British accent noticeably lighter.
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak . My heart rate picked up it's speed and it was becoming extremely difficult to breathe.
My leg started bouncing up and down. The room suddenly felt like it was a hundred degrees.
I got up and rushed out of the room. I could hear my mother calling for me but I ignored her.
I ran up to my room and closed the door behind me. I worked on controlling my breath. Breathe in and out. I repeated this in my head till my breathing was back to normal.
I sat on my bed. I put my hands on my head and willed myself not to cry.
My bedroom door opened and I didn't have to look to know it was my mom. I felt the bed dip beside me but I still didn't look up.
I was disappointed in myself. I couldn't even last five minutes without a panic attack.
"Honey, don't beat yourself up about this. You'll get through this, okay?" She said, trying to comfort me.
"No, stop. I won't get through this and to know it. You know so stop giving me false hope. Just stop." I said, tears building up in my eyes.
"They don't have to stay. I -" she started but I cut her off.
"No mom. I want them to stay. I'll be better."I said, trying to convince not only her, but myself.
"Are you sure?" She asked.
"Yes Mom. I'm sure." I said.
I was tired of disappointing her. I wanted to make her proud. Even if it means having a hand to hand combat with my inner demons.
She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me in for a hug.
"That's my girl. Fight." She whispered, pressing her warm lips to forehead.
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