Chapter 53: The Bitter Taste of Fudge:
Severus Snape peered into the eyes of Wade Wilson. Not because they are finally going to give into their very obvious sexual tension and start making out, but because the Headmaster ordered him to scan Wade's brain.
'And I'm sure dozens of fangirls will be disappointed,' Wade thought.
'I WILL DESTROY YOU ALL!' Riddle howled.
'It seems like our new guest is a bit miffed.'
'I know you're out there Dumbledore,' Riddle said. 'One day, I'll get you….I'll get you….I'll get your brother...and I'll get his little goat too!'
'I think he'll be fitting in just great.'
Snape snapped out of Deadpool's head, a gush of blood pouring down the nose of the Potions Master as he extracted himself from Wade's head. Never again, would Snape want to enter a mind. Dumbledore stood, carefully twiddling his thumbs on the other end of the room.
"I learned far more about Golden Girls sex dreams then I ever wanted to," Snape said. "And, Riddle is firmly trapped in the chaotic mess that is Wilson's mind. I don't think he'll go out."
"And all of his Horcruxes have been destroyed," Dumbledore said. "Including the one in Harry's head...which bled out of his scar just this past morning."
"Wouldn't that be a plot point you would want to show on screen?" Wade asked.
'And ruin the tradition of Harry Potter showing up in the least amount of screen time possible.'
'No, my Horcruxes can't be destroyed,' Riddle said. 'How could that be? I hid them well….'
'Well, obviously not well enough,' Deadpool said. 'The sophisticated awesomeness of my brain was just too much to bare...and you were trapped inside of the prison of my mind.'
'Just wait….I will take control of this body,' Riddle said. 'And then….I will transfer my mind into a more worthy vessel.'
'Newsflash, genius, I don't have one lick of magic in me, so you're going to be trapped in here forever,' Wade said. 'You're going to be with me...even during those most private and intimate moments. It's going to be great. The feared Dark Lord another voice in a legion.'
'Strap in, buddy,' another voice said.
'Or don't, we don't mind,' he said. 'We like it when it's done raw.'
'I WILL KILL YOU ALL!' Riddle screamed.
Dumbledore took a quick peak into Deadpool's mind, and pulled out with a hell of a nosebleed.
"Tom obviously loves each and every one of us, and is well on the way to redemption," Dumbledore said.
Snape rolled his eyes. "You have a very...skewed way of thinking of things Headmaster."
Dumbledore always hoped for the best of people, although sometimes, those people did make a mockery out of the best intentions. Regardless, the Headmaster gave Wade a smile.
"And you're as clean as your mind will ever be," Dumbledore said. "But, if you have any murderous urges, then feel free to come to my office, and we'll sort them out."
'You can't lock me up!' Riddle yelled. 'I am Lord Voldemort….you are….'
Wade shut the door in Riddle's face in his mind. Today had been a very good day.
The Triwizard Tournament had passed, without any incident, or any convoluted plots. The entire school had gone out to sit outside and look at a maze for the better part of two hours. How thrilling, most certainly an adventure that was had by all.
Oh, and Harry Potter won the tournament. Well, now that's settled, Wade moved on for the next chapter in Hogwarts. He moved to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom only to find one Cornelius Fudge standing there, along with a couple of Ministry stooges, armed with wands.
"Wade Wilkens," one of the Ministry officials said.
"It's Wade Wilson," Wade said.
The Ministry official droned on in a voice that would make Ben Stein sound like Bobcat Goldthwait. "Mr. Wilkens, we have come to the conclusion that the students of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, have not had an adequate education in their defense against the dark arts course. We find that you are ill-equipped to teach such a subject."
"Hey, I can teach about all of the dark arts people," Deadpool said. "There's Leonardo….Donatello…..Raphael….Michelangelo…"
'Because, those are the only artists you know because they just happen to also be turtles.'
'Quiet you,' Deadpool thought. 'I know all about that Van Gogh guy too.'
"We do not feel someone of your limited magical capabilities is proper to teach at this school," the ministry official droned. "Therefore, we will wish you the best of your future endeavors...because you are hearby released from your duties….and you will receive your payment as terms of the termination of your service."
He handed Wade a slip of paper, and Wade took it. Fudge looked rather gleeful. Obviously he thought he was getting a deal, letting Wade off with this much money.
The joke was that Wade would be making more money getting fired then Dumbledore paid him for all three of his jobs over the past four years.
"Mr. Wilkens, we would also inform you that your services are no longer required for as Hogwarts Grief Counselor," the Ministry stooge said. "We feel like you are unable to properly understand these students...and we also feel that grief counseling is not needed for a superior magical community…."
"Hey, I helped those kids with their problems a whole lot!" Wade yelled..
"Mr. Wilkens, you will be terminated effective today and the Hogwarts Board of Governors has ruled your position to be invalid,"
Wade clutched his fist. He was making a difference, and now these Ministry idiots, like governments tended to do, did so. A piece of paper slipped in Wade's hand, but in this case, it was not about the money, it was a difference he made.
"And now, Mr. Wilkens...as Assistant Caretaker you will be…."
"Hold on, hold on, hold on!"
Albus Dumbledore appeared at the doorway of the office. Fudge turned, disgusted at being in the presence of this filthy Bronicorn.
"Dumbledore, you're not needed here," Fudge said. "In fact, your kind is not needed anyway."
"Minister, I'm afraid I have to inform you of something," Dumbledore said. "Wade Wilson signed a binding contract to Hogwarts...to be the Deputy Caretaker of Magical Sanitation. While it's true that Wade only worked on his other two positions on a verbal, handshake agreement….this position, he's under a binding contact, and breaking it will bring great misfortune to the entire Ministry of Magic."
"You can't be serious," Fudge said.
"Oh, he's very serious," Wade said. "Five year contact to sanitize Hogwarts...Dumbledore wanted it to be seven years, but I convinced him on five...because I had a feeling after the fifth year, I would be done with this."
Fudge looked like he swallowed a lemon.
"You wait, you just wait, Dumbledore," Fudge said. "I will have you out of here, Wilson, and I will have you out of here Dumbledore. Once the parents find out, they won't want someone around you around their children."
"I can't help the way I was born, Minister," Dumbledore said.
Fudge had been disgusted by this filthy, unicorn loving miscreant. Obviously, Fudge did not like My Precious Unicorn and despised these Bronicorns...adult male fans who worshipped the show like some kind of disgusting cult. And he would not even get into the fan fiction….Fudge banned it's filth from the halls of Hogwarts.
"Just you wait," Fudge said.
'I vote we kill him before he does something stupid to destroy this school,' Riddle thought.
'Why would you care?'
'Hard as it for you to believe, I do love Hogwarts,' Riddle said. 'Which is why it pains me to see someone like Dumbledore bring it down by such substandard teaching. Especially Lockhart….'
'Lockhart is a war hero, you monster!' Deadpool snapped.
Fudge left, muttering, and Dumbledore put something in front of Wade.
"What's this?"
"Just sign it, please," Dumbledore said. "I have a feeling we might have...problems next year."
Wade figured Dumbledore would be right. He looked at the contents of Dumbledore's paper and grinned evilly.
Everyone in Slytherin pointed and laughed at Goyle ,who dressed in a green dress, high heels, and stockings. Draco sneered at them, which caused them to back off slightly. Crabbe looked on, with a raised eyebrow.
"Sure you don't need to borrow my mascara, Goyle?"
"Halt, you problematic fiend!"
The White Knight descended from the ceiling, almost getting tangled up in the banners which signaled Gryffindor's win in the house cup yet again.
"You should never disrespect someone's sexual identity," the White Knight said. "Goyle has done a very brave thing...coming out here like this...and you should respect her and her decisions…"
"Wait, a minute, did you just call me by the wrong pronoun?" Goyle asked.
"I only assumed…."
"Oh, he assumed your gender?" Blaise asked.
"I didn't mean…."
"That was very mean," Crabbe said. "He thought just because you were wearing a dress, you identified as a woman."
"Dude, that's so not cool," Millicent said. "Way to reinforce gender stereotypes!"
"I wear a dress because it makes me feel pretty!" Goyle yelled. "Can't a guy feel pretty every now and then? Why can't only women feel pretty?"
"I did not mean to offend….I should have known better as a white person…."
"Are you saying that white people should automatically know better?" Blaise asked. "How many times do we have to teach you a lesson in tolerance?"
Millicent helpfully punched the White Knight out and caused him to crumble to the ground. Crabbe and Goyle dragged the White Knight off, to stomp him with Goyle helpfully kicking him all over with his high heel shoes.
Wade walked into the room, sighing and wondering what adventures lied. He walked over, to see Luna who had whistled happily.
"I wonder if the White Knight would learn his lesson ever," Luna said.
"How does he keep getting in the school?" Wade asked. "Does he get summoned every time there's something he can take offense to?"
"Hmm, likely so," Luna said. "So, sorry about you losing your position as Hogwarts Grief Counselor? Because, I have a feeling Fudge is to give us a lot of grief next year, just like he did the goblins."
"I know he will," Deadpool said. "Sorry for your friend being...well being Lord Voldemort."
"Well, she's...well that was a shock," Luna said.
'I can't believe I tolerated her,' Riddle said.
"Rebecca said she's sorry," Wade said.
'I didn't say that, you dunderhead!' Riddle yelled. 'I'm not going to apologize to a mentalcase like that.'
"And she says that you are a wonderful person and keep being you," Wade said. "Or he...rather...pronouns are confusing."
"Pronouns kill more people a year than crashed broomsticks," Luna agreed. "At least, that's what was in the Quibbler this year."
Wade wondered what would happen. He expect that they would all know what the future would bring. And what new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher would take Moody's place. Did they ever let Moody out of the looney bin, after he was proven to be right? Oh, Wade did not know, and he expected someone would fill him in eventually.
'To be fair, what other threats are there? I mean, we beat the big bad of the series...so what monsters are there left to slay?'
'LORD VOLDEMORT WILL RISE AGAIN!' Riddle yelled.
'Yeah, he's going to be like this all of the time, isn't he?'
'Afraid so.'
Wade's voices entered a chorus of "It's a Small World Afterall" driving Voldemort completely mental and silencing him at least for a moment.
Much like all great politicians, Cornelius Fudge wanted to outlaw anything he did not like and make anything he accepted of mandatory. He walked down the hallways, with a smile on his face.
"So, Hogwarts needs reform. And given your great, sweeping reforms against the werewolf epidemic, I believe you will be the right person to the job. I will tell the Board of Governors to approve you as a Ministry Certified Educational Expert, and we'll be good to go."
The room panned back, as a scare cord began to play. Dolores Umbridge leaned in her chair, smiling.
"It's about time that Hogwarts got a proper Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher," Umbridge said sweetly. "And soon...I will be Headmistress, and get rid of that awful Wade Wilson forever and all of Dumbledore's other mistakes. The children will be safe once again, and parents will sleep easily."
Umbridge could hardly wait for the new term of Hogwarts to come this September. They would all respect her authority.
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