Chapter 34: Casually Racist Gobelin.
Casually Racist Goblins:
The doors of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry sprung open, causing Filch's cleaning supplies to fly. The Cranky Caretaker cursed the second that Wade Wilson, his deputy entered. Filch's eyes narrowed, looking rather beady and disgusted when he faced off against his understudy.
"What the devil are you doing?" Filch asked. "I spent two hours mopping up that floor."
"It was stolen!" Wade yelled. "There were these singing goblins, and they came down on a dragon, and they stripped everyone completely naked and I saw Dolores Umbridge in the buff."
Severus Snape appeared just at Wade's shoulder. A few seconds later, Snape shuddered at hearing the describe of Dolores Umbridge in the buff. That was not something that anyone should think about.
"Must you put such an unholy image in my head, Wilson," Snape said in his usual Snapey tone. "You should not joke about that woman being in any sort of state of undress."
"You really shouldn't body shame people, Severus," Dumbledore said popping out of nowhere. "Each and every woman is a gift from the heavens and should be cherished. They are all beautiful in their way."
"It's nice you believe that Headmaster," Snape said. "Because, I daresay you cannot find any beauty within Dolores Umbridge."
"Well, you may have to go a bit deeper," Dumbledore said.
"Start digging, we may be there within a few years," Snape said.
"I don't think anyone is taking me seriously," Deadpool said. "Maybe I should show to you what happened."
Deadpool pulled out a stage and a series of puppets. Dumbledore clapped and looked positively giddy.
"Oh, goody, we're going to see a puppet show," Dumbledore said.
"Oh, look at me, I'm Lucius Malfoy, and I walk uptight like someone shoved my pimp cane up my ass," Deadpool said in a smarmy voice.
Snape chuckled in spite of himself before going very serious.
"And this is my wife Narcissa, who I overachieved with," Deadpool commented. "And this is my son Draco, he is a little putz...and here's….the dashing, the daring, the amazing, the devious, Deadpool….and we're just having a confrontation when suddenly…."
Deadpool cleared his throat and started to hum some dramatic music. Dumbledore started bee-bopping back and forth.
'Is it just me or is he just getting more wacky the longer this story goes on?' Deadpool asked.
"Headmaster, focus," Snape said.
"Oh, Severus, you got to admit, it's a catchy beat."
"And then...here come these goblins on a dragon and they were lead by….well….I don't know...but they swooped down and they stole my Golden Girl's Collectors Watch, and a few other valuables from a few other people."
Deadpool's puppet drooped sadly, almost like he had his strings cut.
"My name is Dolores Umbridge, and it's naked time!" Deadpool said in a girly voice.
He represented Umbridge with a potato and hurled her around. Filch just smiled and turned to Snape, nudging him.
"Don't know about you, but I'd still hit it," Filch said.
Snape calmly reached into the side of his robes and withdrew a vile. He downed it in one hit, allowing to to enter a delirious and dreamy state of sunshine and rainbows and unicorns and no digusting women being completely full.
"And then the goblins left, with their leader….well I don't know, but I'm sure if he was important, I would have actually remembered his name."
A long sigh followed.
"I'm pretty sure his name is Cheesedick or something like that," Deadpool said.
"Calm yourself, Mr. Wilson," Dumbledore said. "I'm certain that the Ministry of Magic will be investigating this little incident to the best of their abilities and everything will be as right as rain. They will get your watch back, but in the meantime, perhaps you should arrange a discussion with Hogwarts New Grief Counselor?"
"I am the new Hogwarts Grief Counselor!" Deadpool protested.
"Splendid," Dumbledore said. "Then you should be able to figure out a time which is good for both of you."
And this is why you should not get high off of magic markers. Or whatever Dumbledore was indulging in these days, after he had his lemon drops taken away from him.
"I will swear revenge on these goblins!" Deadpool yelled. "Captain Cheesedick and his marry crew will not get the better of me. Do you hear me? I will be vindicated. Do you hear me? VINDICATED!"
Deadpool waved his finger casually around and pointed at everyone around him. Snape and Filch appeared to be indifferent and Dumbledore gave him a smile and that twinkle that he was well known for.
"That's splendid my dear boy," Dumbledore commented with a clap on his shoulder. "You have goals and you will succeed at them. That's good...that's brilliant."
X-X-X
Wade Wilson, as the Headmaster suggested, came across the office of the Hogwarts Grief Counselor. He stood at the door, looking awkward as everything.
Quickly, Wade made his way to the council and slipped on a pair of glasses and a tie. He held a clipboard.
"Mr. Wilson, I've been expecting you," Wade commented. "Come in and take a seat, tell me what happened."
Wade patted on the chair and then he got up, throwing his glasses, tie, and clipboard back onto the couch. He plopped down on the chair.
"Well, you see, I was assaulted by this group of singing goblins outside of the Ministry of Magic," Wade said.
Wade switched back to the glasses, tie, and clipboard.
"Mmm, and did these goblins touch you anywhere?"
And another switch back to Wade's position on the chair, without the glasses, tie, and clipboard.
"Mmm, no, they didn't do anything like that, but they took my watch," Wade said. "I had been hunting from coast to coast, from sea to sea for years for that rare piece of memorabilia. And those goblins stole it. They stole it right from underneath my nose and I was taken off guard by their hypnotic tune."
"Yes, I can see," Wade said.
"So, you do see?"
"Yes, indeed, my dear boy," Wade said. "I believe you have been distracted due to some trauma in your life. Would you like to talk to me about the events of the last year?"
Another switch and Deadpool took a deep sigh.
"Well, technically, there was an entire ten months of my life being lived by a clone when I was petrified," Deadpool said. "And that clone was sucked into a blackhole by a deranged meteor powered Hillbilly Queen."
"Did the Dangerous Meteor Powered Hillbilly Queen touch you somewhere?"
"No, because it technically wasn't me, well it was me, it was a clone of me, but I still feel responsible because I thought that I lost a part of myself," Wade told Wade.
Back on the chair, with the clipboard, the glasses, and the pen, Deadpool lightly tapped it into his chin, humming lightly when he entered a deep thought.
"I see, I see, I see," Deadpool commented three times in succession. "Well, I believe that….I believe that you need to find that part of yourself that you lost. You aren't whole...you need that added zeal. You need to find him, to be at peace."
"But, he was sucked into oblivion along with Lockhart!" Deadpool yelled. "And by facing him….I will be facing…."
"Or you could just chop off the head of the goblin who stole your watch," Wade commented, rolling his eyes at Wade's behavior. "But that could get messy and kickstart another goblin rebellion that Binns would not shut up about for about five hundred years."
"That could be problematic," Wade said.
"People who say things are problematic are the problematic ones," Wade said, looking across the empty spot on the chair over his glasses.
"Well, people who say that people who say problematic are problematic are really problematic," Wade argued with Wade.
"Well, I say that people who say that people who say that people who are problematic saying people who are problematic are problematic are the ones that are...leave the psychology to me kid."
Wade hurled his fist into the air, teleported, and got slapped in the face by himself. How this worked, he didn't know.
"Listen to me, and listen to me good, kid. You've got to stand up, or you've got to back down….and you've got to be the one to take control of your own problem, your own destiny. You've got to put on your big boy pants and face your greatest mistakes."
"Oh how much time do you think I have?" Wade asked. "So, you saying that if I defeat Captain Cheesedick, I will become whole again?"
"Yes, or you find out where you were sucked into oblivion," Wade said.
"You know, maybe the goblins weren't the only ones who were empowered," Wade suggested. "I mean, someone else had to get zapped by their meteor rocks. Maybe, under our nose, the world's greatest heroes are here, who can avenge things and assemble into a team of heroes."
X-X-X
Somewhere, Tony Stark prepared to tell his legal department to send a cease and desist to Wade Wilson, although he was not quite sure why.
X-X-X
"Sure, why not?" Wade shrugged. "But, the goblins didn't touch you, did they?"
"No, they just made me see Umbridge naked."
Wade kept darting from chair to chair, shuddering in both guises. This went on past the point of being funny and then became funny again and then became less funny and then became extremely funny. And then Wade just became bored and decided to walk out because he really needed to take a leak.
X-X-X
Another year finally came around the corner at Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry. Gossip flew through the air faster than a speeding bullet as many ot the students discussed the potential wackiness that would happen next year. Needless to say, things randomly picked up ever since Harry Potter decided to go to Hogwarts.
'So, is the main character of the franchise actually going to show up?' Deadpool asked to no one in particular.
'Maybe, maybe not, let's see.'
Everyone caused their attention to turn to Professor Albus Dumbledore, the man who ran this insane school of magic and mystery and magical mystery. Everyone muttered excitedly.
"Now that you've been befuddled by this magnificent feast, I should warn you that there are going to be precautions taken around this school for this year," Dumbledore said. "The Ministry of Magic is in the midst of an investigation regarding Sirius Black. There is evidence that has surfaced that Black was innocent. However, the Ministry feels that while Black is still at large, he will be a danger to the wider magical community at large."
No matter what he said, Dumbledore had this ability to make everyone hang on every word. There was a lot of whispers about Black across the table.
"Therefore, the Ministry of Magic has loaned their Azkaban guards, the Dementors. Despite Black's innocence, the Minister feels that he could be a threat to children...but there should be no need to fear the Dementors. They are only here to prevent Black from entering Hogwarts, after he has been driven to madness due to constant exposure to the Azkaban guards."
Deadpool's eyes widened and he was not the only one giving Dumbledore the side eye. To be fair, Dumbledore did not look too pleased with the situation as well.
"It is not within the nature of the Dementors to show compassion and understanding," Dumbledore said. "Therefore, the teachers, our prefects, the new Head Boy and Girl, and everyone else will ensure that Hogwarts is as safe as and secure as it always has been."
Dumbledore cleared his throat.
"First of all, I would like to announce some new changes of staff," Dumbledore said. "After the tragic and heroic sacrifice of Gilderoy Lockhart against the voodoo hillbilly queen, we will need a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Professor Remus Lupin has agreed to take this important position."
There was applause, light and casual around the table. Deadpool just smiled. He had to take his hat off to Dumbledore. He could say some true insanity without even cracking. But, it did help when you were a little bit mad.
"And secondly, Professor Kettleburn has retired so he can enjoy the remainder of his days with his remaining limbs," Dumbledore said in stone-cold seriousness. "Therefore, our very home Gamekeeper Rubeus Hagrid has been given a spot as the new Care of Magical Creatures Teacher."
A good portion of the students cheered, at least in Gryffindor. The Slytherins, well the usual group of assholes looked miserable.
"And finally ,our Assistant Caretaker of Magical Sanitation Mr. Wilson has agreed to be the Hogwarts Grief Counselor to no extra charge," Dumbledore said.
"Well, no extra charge is pushing it," Deadpool answered.
"Therefore, you should not feel uncomfortable if you're having a hard time," Dumbledore said. "There is someone here for you in your time of need and Mr. Wilson's office is always open, at any time, day or night."
"Except between four and five on Wednesday night," Deadpool said. "That's Wade's time."
"My mistake," Dumbledore said. "Also, beware of goblins. A group of rogue goblins have been reported to stealing from our citizens. Gringotts does not endorse this behavior, but we are confident that the criminals will be taken down."
"Oh, you betcha," Deadpool said.
"Indeed, so please if you see any goblins then…."
The windows of Hogwarts flung open and a dragon zipped into the room. Hagrid rubbed his hands together with glee, as the members of the staff stood up. Dumbledore rose up to his feet, and Deadpool sprung up onto the table.
"Hey, you thieving piece of puss!" Deadpool yelled. "You have something that's mine, so give it back, Captain Cheesedick."
'Oh, this is the center of the magical world, all of the lies come from here.'
'The goblins are nothing, but something to fear.'
'All you know about us how we revolt a drop of a hat.'
'But, I think we've had enough of that.'
'You better bow before our leader, and except all he took."
"GRIPHOOK, GRIPHOOK!"
The goblins moved around the Great Hall and robbed several of the pureblood students. Once again, Draco Malfoy had all of his possessions stripped from him and there was not a damn thing that he could do about it.
'We are without peer.'
'There is no need to fear.'
'Our time is here, you need to see.'
'No matter what, we will have everything, your debt will not be free.'
'You will bow before the man who has all he took.'
'Griphook, Griphook!"
All of the goblins moved down from the table, and took Lupin's briefcase. He tried to snap out of the song. Dumbledore started to dance, bopping his head back and forth.
'All you humans will understand our creed.'
'Even this filthy, this disgusting, half-breed.'
One of the racist goblins bopped Flitwick on the head and cleared off of the table, running to the exit and ascending to the dragon.
'Now, it's time to fly.'
'Catch us if you can, you never can catch us in the sky.'
'You will never get all we took.'
'For we must approve our Captain Griphook, Griphook!'
Dumbledore rose to his feet a second later, as screaming students filled the Great Hall. Deadpool snapped out of the trance that he had been put into.
'They got me again, I can't believe this,' Deadpool thought in despair.
'Still don't know who that goblin is. Pretty sure is name is Cheesdick, though.'
At that moment, Harry Potter burst into the Great Hall, dressed battle armor and covered in the blood of some dangerous creature. He pulled a bone spike out of his arm and winced slightly.
"So, what did I miss?" Harry asked.
It was a good thing that Harry Potter had plenty of experience in dodging flying dinnerware.
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