Chapter 32: Snitches Get Stitches and Rats Go Splat.
Diagon Alley was a magical place made of magic.
'Didn't we already do this joke before?'
'Yeah, but a joke is really not perfect until you perfectly beat it into the ground.'
'It was sure nice that Filch sent us to Diagon Alley to pick up supplies for Hogwarts. I think we're beginning to form some kind of bond.'
'Either that, or he wants to get rid of us for a couple of hours.'
Regardless of the reason, Wade Wilson stepped into Diagon Alley with a scroll of scrawled items. He did wonder where one would buy magical cleaning skills in Diagon Alley. He assumed that Dumbledore ordered then in bulk. But, assuming anything about Dumbledore was not exactly an ideal thing. And people always knew what assumptions.
"All purpose magical cleaner, three magical scrub brushes, a new pail, slug essence remover, toilet scrubber, sponges, and floor polish," Deadpool said.
'Hey, if it was all purpose magical cleaner, would we really need the slug essence remover or the floor polish?'
'Quiet you.'
The wanted pictures of Sirius Black stared Deadpool in the face. He was quite the scruffy one. Then again, there were three photos that never turned out well. Driver's license photos, school pictures, and mugshots. Black's mug gave a very pained growl and he appeared to be leaping at Deadpool through the wanted post.
'I wonder what would happen with three-dimensional magical images?' Deadpool asked.
That question would have had to wait for another time. The rat known as Scabbers, who Deadpool acquired from Ron Weasley upon his unfortunate sabbatical from Hogwarts, tried to escape. It was not the first time Scabbers tried to make a run for it.
"Okay, what the hell is up for you?" Deadpool asked. "You don't have some kind of rat disease or something? Because, seriously, I don't know anything about any magical vets and stuff."
'Maybe he has a girlfriend.'
'Who would love someone like me? Look at the state of him, he's skinny, with fur falling out. And his tail, it's seen better days.'
'All he needs is a little pizzaz. Maybe a makeover.'
One magical shopping trip later, Deadpool acquired the items that he wanted. He stepped into a creepy alleyway which served a shortcut. Behind him, a dog appeared behind him.
The dog started to growl and moved closer behind Deadpool.
"Hey, Poochie," Deadpool said as turned to the dog. "No, tag...wonder who you belong to? Not sure if the wizard type people have a pound, but you best get going…."
The dog jumped on Deadpool and knocked him onto the ground. The dog started to growl and rip at Deadpool's pockets
"Hey!" Deadpool yelped. "I don't look like a sausage...what the hell is your problem? Do you…."
Scabbers jolted out of the pocket and the mysterious dog chased after him.
"Come on, bro, dogs aren't supposed to chase rats," Deadpool said. "That's just not on."
Deadpool reached out and grabbed the dog around the neck as Scabbers shot underneath the pin. The dog shifted in Deadpool's hands and turned into a man.
"Oh, my Stan, he turned into Gary Oldman!" Deadpool yelled.
'You fool, that's Sirius Black, he's the Prisoner of Azkaban.'
'Tee-hee, you said it.'
Deadpool shifted his attention to the ragged looking Black who had a wand. Exactly how he acquired a wand remained to be determined. Surely, he wasn't allowed on in Azkaban. A blast of purple light fired out of the wand. Deadpool danced to the left, and danced to the right.
"Okay, Black, you want some of this!" Deadpool yelled. "I don't know how you got the wand, but you and I, we're going to rumble."
"You don't understand!" Sirius yelled. "I have to get the rat."
Deadpool sprung high into the air and send Sirius flying back. The wand blasted Deadpool in the stomach. He wondered what curse Black hit him with, being a master of Dark Magic.
He broke out into a fit of insidious laughter. It was some kind of trickling spell, which caused Deadpool to break out into laughter. He could barely keep a straight face, knocking several trays out of the way. Deadpool reached over and grabbed a spoon off of the ground.
"Get back here, Black, so I can spoon you good!"
'That's a fan fic somewhere!'
Black disappeared like it was nothing, fearing Deadpool's mighty spooning skills. He almost collapsed down to the ground, his lungs hurting from the intense laughter Black forced on him. He was pretty sure someone could perform a countercurse. He almost collapsed to the ground.
"Scabbies! Where are you man?"
Deadpool lost that dirty rat. He would find him, find him, ah there he was, cowering underneath a newspaper. Deadpool barely could hold onto him, so he was bent over, laughing so hard that he wet himself.
'That's embarassing.'
X-X-X
Severus Snape completed a year's full of lesson plans for another generation of dunderheads. The doors of his office burst open and Deadpool scrambled inside. He was bent over and laughing like a mad man.
Snape wondered if he should have got involved. Wilson swinging his arms like this, threatening to knock over priceless potions ingredients, threatened Snape's livelihood. The smell of urine made Snape crunch his nose in disgust. An expression he wore a lot around this nimrod.
"What did you do this time, Wilson?" Snape asked
Wade's constant waving in his hands was more annoying that his ability to speak. Snape raised his wand and performed the spell to eliminate the laughing.
Hogwarts Assistant Deputy Caretaker of Magical Sanitation dropped to the ground, breathing heavily. It felt as if his lungs had been fired. The smell of bodily wastes finally snapped him out of it.
"Now...do I really want to ask?" Snape asked.
"It was Sirius Black," Deadpool said. "He's after that rat that I rescued from that redhead kid with the freckles."
Snape stopped for a second. He did not know whether Azkaban had made Black lost his mind, Wilson grew further detached from reality, or some combination of the second thing. The Potions Professor took a few seconds to consider is story.
"Was it truly Black?" Snape asked. "Why would he target you or a rat?"
"I don't know, I mean, one minute I was doing my shopping. And the next minute, there was this dog. And the next minute, Black attacked me, and then the rat...look at the thing, he's terrified to death."
Snape recoiled in horror when Deadpool put the rat in his face.
"Get that thing away from me, you don't know what diseases it has," Snape said. "I don't even know why the Weasleys were allowed to keep this vermin in the school to begin with. The Hogwarts class list stated that there should be no other pets, other than a cat or a toad or an owl, but not all three."
"Did someone try and take all three?" Deadpool asked. "How about an owl and a cat? Or a cat and a toad? Or a toad and a cat or…."
"Wilson, why don't you have this conversation with Dumbledore?" Snape asked. "It it was Black, then you should be protected. It would be a pity that something happened to you, due to the fact that Black had lost touch of reality. Maybe he believed that the rat was Potter, somehow? I daresay it's a mistake many would make."
Privately, Snape wished that Deadpool and Black took each other out. But, if life taught Severus Snape one lesson, that was that it was unfair and cruel, often times for no reason at all.
"Where is Dumbledore?" Wade asked.
"Knowing the Headmaster he could be riding naked somewhere in the castle on a floor buffer," Snape said. "Now, if you excuse me, I have lesson plans to get back to. Another year of misery, and with Lupin."
"What do you have against the guy?" Wade asked.
"I suggest you find the Headmaster to inform him," Snape said without missing a beat.
X-X-X
Thankfully, or unfortunately, Albus Dumbledore was not riding around on a floor buffer naked. Deadpool just finished telling his tail. Dumbledore rifled through his desk drawer and pulled out the fidget spinner that he had been gifted with during the adventures of the previous year.
"So last year."
Dumbledore threw the fidget spinner in the trash and turned his attention to Deadpool.
"So, you're saying that Sirius Black mugged you?" Dumbledore asked.
"Mugged me and tried to attack the rat that I took from the ginger kid," Deadpool said. "How did they get allowed in a rat? I would think that Percy the Perfect would not dare break school rules."
"Why are you asking me for?" Dumbledore asked. "Do you think I'm the Headmaster or something?"
"Actually, you are, Dumbledore," Wade said.
"Of course, I am," Dumbledore said. "So, Sirius Black attacked the rat...why don't you let me have a look at this rodent?"
Deadpool put Scabbers on the desk. The rodent looked up and came face to face with Dumbledore.
"Rats like sherbert lemon, don't they?" Dumbledore asked.
Deadpool shrugged. Scabbers furiously shook his head as Dumbledore unwrapped a piece of candy and popped it into Scabbers mouth.
Several things happened at once. The rat started to choke on the candy and he started to twitch on the desk. Suddenly, the rat shifted into a rotund man with a finger missing, who kept roughing and spit the sherbert lemon. The rotund men broke out into hives and swelled in the face.
"Peter Pettigrew!" Dumbledore yelled.
With a surprising display of reflexes for a man of his age, Dumbledore stunned Peter before he could gain his barings.
"What the hell?" Deadpool asked.
"Peter Pettigrew, he was a friend of James Potter, Sirius Black, and Remus Lupin at Hogwarts, he was believed to have been killed by Sirius Black in the same explosion that killed twelve other Muggles. I believe there's a pretty good chance that The Potters switched Secret Keepers, from Sirius to Peter. They didn't inform me of the change, but it does make sense. I would think that Peter would be...well it would make sense how someone of Peter Pettigrew's low self esteem would decide to join Lord Voldemort."
"You know, maybe Hogwarts could have a school counselor for this thing, so they can talk to teenagers who have problems," Deadpool said. "You know, if they've gone through traumatic ordeals or are being bullied or abused or...you know, things like that. You know, actual show some compassion and empathy so they don't grow up to be sociopathic dickheads who hate the entire world."
"Did I hear you volunteer for this position?" Dumbledore asked.
"Well, no…."
"Splendid," Dumbledore said. "You will be the new Student Grief Counselor of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, in addition to your duties as the Assistant Deputy Caretaker of Magical Sanitation."
"So, do I get paid extra for this?" Deadpool asked.
"I'm sorry, but I did not hear you, Wade, for I now have a buildup of ear wax," Dumbledore said. "And before I forgot, I should inform the Minister of magic of these new events.
X-X-X
Ten minutes later, with Deadpool flicking peanuts off of the head of the unconscious Pettigrew as he waited, Dumbledore returned. He returned with Fudge, Amelia Bones, and a toad-faced looking woman dressed in pink. For some reason, when she showed up, loud and dramatic music played in Wade's head.
"Is that….Pettigrew?" Amelia asked.
"It can't be!" Fudge cried. "Pettigrew is dead, because Sirius Black killed him."
"Never found a body," Deadpool said. "Do you comic book?"
"He was blown to smithereens," Fudge said.
"Yeah, I get blown to smithereens twice a week," Deadpool said. "Still alive, still, breathing….get the message now, Corny."
The Pepto Toad stood up straight and stared Wade straight in face. Unfortunately, he did not have anything to blow her away with, otherwise he would have so blown her away.
"You can't talk to the Minister of Magic with such disrespect, Mr….who are you?"
"I am Wade Winston Wilson, the Deputy Director of Magical Sanitation, Hogwarts Grief Counselor, and Former Substitute Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher, who the hell are you?"
The Pepto Toad puffed up.
"I am, Dolores Jane Umbridge, the Senior Undersecretary of the Minister of Magic and I am a Ministry of Magic Certified Magical Educational Expert."
"Yeah, well I'm an ordained Minister," Deadpool said. "I took the exam online. I am Doctor Professor Reverend Wilson."
'Did that really happen?'
'Does it matter….oh she's boiling now.'
'About the only time anyone would have called her hot.
The two stared each down, a relationship of instant loathing formed between the two of them. Amelia cleared her throat.
"We're getting off the subject," Amelia said. "I will call a squad of Aurors...and if it's, Pettigrew, then we will get to the bottom of this."
"Are you saying that you kept him as his pet rat?" Fudge asked.
"Well, the Weasleys did, and I found him, after he was about ready to be eaten by my boss's cat, who he took from Chuck Norris," Deadpool said. "And Black attacked him."
"Black must have found out and wanted to finish the job," Fudge said. "He's still a menace."
"Yeah, well Jameson says the same thing about Spider-Man about every other day," Deadpool said. "And you know something, I'm pretty sure if you interrogate Pettigrew, he'll be sure to tell you everything. And Dumbledore said that they could have switched. Although, I'm surprised this didn't come up at his trial."
"Given that I can't find a transcript of Black's trial, I couldn't be certain what was said or done there," Amelia said. "I'm beginning to think that Black didn't have a trial, which would be a severe breach of protocol."
"Crouch and Bagnold did it, I had nothing to to do with it," Fudge said.
"And Dumbledore….why didn't Dumbledore have Black tried? Mmmm?" the Pepto Toad added, with the most detestable "gotcha" expression etched in her eyes.
Dumbledore was too busy picking bread crumbs out of his beard to respond. At least until Amelia cuffed him on the shoulder. The entire Harry Potter diabolical caused her to have some severe questions about Dumbledore's declining mental state.
"Dumbledore, surely you didn't throw an innocent man Azkaban without a trial, did you?" Amelia asked.
"Crouch insisted that we had him sent to Azkaban and thought him to be guilty, so I didn't argue with it," Dumbledore offered. "There was such a public outcry, and people were calling for heads to roll, because the Potters were such a beloved family. I really had no choice."
Amelia Bones could see two possibilities. If Black was He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's second in command, then they missed an opportunity to get more names and get more dangerous criminals off of the street. Several dangerous people ran free for almost twelve years because someone did not want to follow proper Ministry Law. If Black was Number Two in his inner circle, then he may have had valuable information that was lost by chucking him straight into Azkaban.
And if he was innocent, then more heads were going to thoughts passed as three Aurors showed up to help escort the prisoner to Azkaban. They handcuffed him.
'So, that was almost too easy,' Deadpool thought. 'Who knew so much trouble could have by giving a rat a sherbert lemon?'
'Did we just end the plot of the year before the year this time?'
'Mmm, I'm sure something wacky will happen to fill the time. You know how these things are.'
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