Chapter 29: The Fan Is Hit.
Hogsmeade had been set up for the honorable ceremony for Gilderoy Lockhart to receive Alternate Witch Weekly's award for the most spectacular plunge to rock bottom. Snape rolled his eyes.
"My plunge was more spectacular," Snape said. "Where's my accolade?"
"Severus, you get the joys of teaching students over the past eleven years," Dumbledore said. "What could be more enjoyable than the honor of enlightening so many bright and young minds?"
"A car battery hooked to my testicles for one thing," Snape dryly said.
Dumbledore raised his eyebrow for a second. He had no idea Snape could be into such interesting ways to spend a Saturday night. Truly though, the private kinks of a person should remain private and should not be shamed. Filch stepped out of the school, dressed in his best musty tailcoat. Deadpool dressed with a black tie over his normal uniform and a torn suit jacket.
"Where's the man of the hour?" Deadpool asked. "You don't think he hasn't show up?"
"Oh, I've taken liberty in ensuring he shows up on time to receive his honor," Dumbledore said.
The Headmaster looked over his shoulder and about a dozen house elves marched outside. They carried Lockhart his massive girth straining their small bodies.
"Sir, should really go on a diet," one of the house elves said.
Lockhart threw his head back. The people of the Daily Prophet showed up to take pictures of him. Alternate Witch Weekly people did not seem happy with the Prophet people being here. Lockhart was not happy with any of the press.
"So, the rumors are true, are they, Gilderoy?"
Rita Skeeter turned up with a smile on her face when she looked at Lockhart. It was only a shame she did not catch wind of this sooner because a beloved icon of magical literature like this falling this far was just too rich to pass up. Rita never really was a fan of Lockhart, but unfortunately, her boss at the Prophet was. The only piece her boss denied straight up was an article where Rita described all of the inconsistencies in the timeline across of Lockhart's books. She thought it was well researched and there was no need to puff it up, because the reality was damning enough.
"Rita, I'm hideous," Lockhart said.
"Well, at least you still have your personality," Rita said. She frowned when she realized. "Oh, you poor dear."
The condescending tone if Rita's voice made Lockhart's teeth gnash together. He took a few seconds to calm down. His day could not get any worse. Two large men stepped in. The hand placed on Rita's arm.
"No need, I'm leaving," Rita said. "I wouldn't want to be a part of this…press conference."
A few more photos had been snapped by the Prophet's cameras. Deadpool lifted his hand and waved. Scabbers the rat turned up on camera in Deadpool's hand. Scabbers squeaked in terror at the flash as Deadpool waved his paw with one toe missing at the camera for the world to see.
'And that's what we call foreshadowing, kids.'
Deadpool gave a thumbs up. Margot Dingle made her way in flashing a sardonic smile at the people around her. She looked from the left to the right and then to them. She cleared off with a cough as anyone went through.
"Life sucks and then you die," Margot said.
"Amen," Snape murmured underneath his breath.
"Fortunately, you're going to be dead a lot longer than you'll be alive," Margot said a few seconds later. "But, some people are very lucky to receive a miserable existence, to really enjoy what misery life brings into another level. They don't allow people to pollute their life with toxic positivity. No, they are not going to allow people to make their lives better. They are not going to allow their lives to be infected by this toxic positivity, where everyone's life can be good, if only they have the right attitude. No, our lives are bad, and we enjoy it. We thrive on being misunderstood. We thrive on the entire world shitting on us."
Dumbledore raised his eyebrow. Not that he was one to kink shame, but it did seem a bit odd.
Deadpool spent a few seconds waiting for something to happen. Something always happened, he just waited for his moment to strike.
"And now, I bring to you, the man who has hit rock bottom harder and faster than anyone else," Margot said. "He will never win Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award. And I look forward to seeing what he does going forward, how low he'll go before he ends it all."
Several of the emo witches in the crowd got moist in their panties at the thought of the formerly handsome man committing suicide. Deadpool skidded back in his chair. He wanted to be as far away from these crazy people.
"Everyone, the man who has had it just a little bit awful than anyone else in the world, it's Gilderoy Lockhart!"
Snape pulled out his magical cattleprod and shocked Lockhart to force him to stand on the stage. They handed him the award, a stand with a razor blade and a noose on it.
A loud rumble of a truck motor interrupted the festivities. Deadpool listened and pointed out to the distance.
"I know that Banjo music anywhere!" Deadpool yelled. "Voodoo Hillbillies!"
"Voodoo Hillbillies!" Dumbledore yelled. "Quick, someone get the Headmaster!"
"You are the Headmaster," Snape said in disgust.
"Oh, yes, of course I am," Dumbledore said. "Everyone stay calm."
An army of hillbillies on a Tractor Trailer pulled up. They snorted when fixing their eyes on Lockhart. Crystal Meth climbed out of the truck and leaned over. Deadpool did not like the unhealthy green glow in her eyes.
"Snugglebuns!" Crystal Meth said. "You better not be skipping out on your bride."
"You're marrying her?" Margot asked.
"You got a problem with that?" Crystal Meth asked bearing down on the skinny woman. "Because, I'll tell you this, little Missy, I've seen more meat on a carcass after the vultures have been by."
Margot's mouth opened up wide and she just smiled at the cruelty this woman gave to her.
"Oh, you're so beautiful, I had no idea," Margot said.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold it down, Missy," Crystal Meth said. "Now, I got no problems with the Queer Folk, hell I've got cousins that fuck sheep, one of them is marrying a pig."
Betty Lou the Pig looked up in terror. Dumbledore burst up with a smile.
"My brother-in-law is a goat," Dumbledore chimed in with a twinkle in his eye.
Wade Wilson found himself in the uncomfortable position of being the only sane person in the room. It terrified him to be in this particular position.
"The point is, I'm getting hitched and there's nothing you can do about it," Crystal Meth said. "Maybe you should eat a sandwich or something, and you might get a chance to be with a real man."
Margot and her ilk look horrified.
"You meat eat food without purging?" one of them asked. "That's just…that's just….but, we can't do that? Food tastes good."
"Oh, you should try Grandpappy's chili, because you might be force to eat those words," Billy-Bob said with a knowing smile. "And you words, they taste better than Grandpappy's chili….."
"Okay, enough fussing here," Deadpool said in a southern drawl. "Why don't you just go get and don't come back now you hear?"
Crystal Meth widened her eyes when locked onto the familiar face. This was the yokel who stole her beau out from underneath her. She grunted and looked at him.
"You," Crystal Meth said. "You wanted him all for yourself, didn't you?"
"No, contrary what shippers might believe, no I didn't," Deadpool said. "You want Lockhart. You're going to have to…."
"Take him over my dead body."
Molly Weasley appeared and everyone who was in the room screamed. Lockhart looked up and he took one look at Molly Weasley stepped into the picture. She pointed to Crystal Meth.
"You're the Queen of the Voodoo Hillbillies, aren't you?" Molly asked her.
"What's it to you?" Crystal Meth asked.
"You're going to release Lockhart from your curse," Molly said. "AND YOU'RE GOING TO DO IT NOW!"
The hillbillies screamed and threw themselves to the ground. The shriek of Molly Weasley dropped them to the ground. Deadpool cupped his ears in horror and he was not the only one.
"I'll rassle you for him," Crystal Meth said. "Listen here, city girl, you don't want to mess with me."
"Excuse me," Margot said. "Excuse me, this is supposed to be a celebration of…."
"SHUT UP!" Molly yelled.
Margot dropped to the ground and caused herself. Molly turned her attention to Crystal Meth. Crystal Meth cracked her knuckles and moved closer. Deadpool peaked out from the edge of the truck and wondered if it was just his imagination or was Crystal Meth growing in mass? She shoveled cake in her mouth. The eight foot tall woman moved around as long as a house.
"Hold on," Dumbledore said. "I've been informed that I was the Hogwarts Headmaster. And therefore, I much discourage a display of violence."
"But, I need to fight for my husband's honor," Crystal Meth said. "You remind me of my Daddy, so I figure I should treat you with some respect."
"I want Lockhart back," Molly said. "I can't have my husband talk back to me any longer, do you understand, Dumbledore?"
"I purpose a "your mama" off," Deadpool said. "The first person to flinch loses. It's that simple!"
"Fine, I'll school you, Missy," Crystal Meth said.
"Ladies first," Molly said in a snide voice.
"Your Mama's so fat that they needed a Tow Truck to get her off of the couch!" Crystal Meth yelled.
Molly did not flinch. "Your Mama's so fat that she makes the Fat Lady look anorexic!"
Crystal Meth fired back. "Your Mama's so fat that your Daddy needed mountain climber gear to knock her up!"
"Your Mother's so fat that You-Know-Who needed two wands to kill her," Molly fired back.
"Your Mama's so fat that when she rolls over in bed, she ends up three county's over," Crystal Meth said.
Molly gritted her teeth and continued. "Your Mama's so fat that she crashes the entire Floo Network when she transports."
"Yeah, well your Mama's so stupid that she sold her car for gas money," Crystal Meth said.
"Well, your mother's so stupid, she used her wand as a back scratcher," Molly said.
"Well, your mother's so stupid she tried to clean her fish with dish soap," Crystal Meth fired back.
Both women sweated as they tried to back and forth. They fired back and forth with the titanic struggle with neither backing in. The two titans refused to go.
"Your mother is so ugly that she caused a blind man to scream in horror when he saw her," Crystal Meth said in response.
"Well, your mother's so ugly, she makes Snape look like a Playwitch Model," Molly said.
"Hey!" Snape yelled.
"Yeah, well your mother's so fat that a parachute tried to land on top of her when he mistook her for a target," Crystal Meth said.
"Well, your mother's so stupid that she walked outside because she thought that the trees were calling you," Molly said.
"Your mother is so fat that she sweats grease," Crystal Meth said.
"Yeah, well your mother is so fat that your Daddy got himself arrested because at least when his cell mate cuddles him, he doesn't roll over and crush your father."
Crystal Meth's eyes widened. Grandpappy started to whistle nonchalantly. "Hey, that's hearsay! Do you hear me, Hearsay?"
"Ha, you flinched!" Molly said. "I've won, I've defeated you!"
Molly did a little victory dance which caused Deadpool's eyes to widen in response. Deadpool shook his head at Molly Weasley being a poor winner.
"Yes, Molly Weasley has won and defeated the Voodoo Hillbilly Queen!" Deadpool said. "Please don't ever do that victory dance again."
Molly stopped immediately. Lockhart's eyes widened for a second. He was looking more miserable than before if it was even possible. Margot Dingle looked completely and utterly happy. Lockhart threw his head back and looked completely miserable.
"Hold up there!" Grandpappy said. "I've come here for a hitching, and there's going to be a hitching. So why don't you get your happy ass in line. Or I'm going to blow you away!"
Grandpappy held his shotgun at Lockhart. Lockhart stared down at the shotgun and then sunk down to his knees. His arms spread out and he held his hands up into the air.
"Please do," Lockhart shouted. "Please blow me away. End it all now!"
"You can't!" Molly shouted at the top of her lungs. "You are an inspiration to so many of us. If you die, then our dreams are over. Your books are an inspiration."
"MY BOOKS WERE A FRAUD!" Lockhart yelled. "Don't you people get it! I'm nothing! I know that now! The only thing that I was able to do was erase people's memories and steal credit for their work. I didn't do those things, I couldn't have done those things. I'm a big phony!"
Molly clutched her chest at the horrible revelation hitting her. She took a deep breath and gave an agonizing scream. Molly could not believe it. She screamed and collapsed.
"Now, I'm the winner!" Crystal Meth yelled. "I'm the winner! I'M THE WINNER!"
"Please, no!" Lockhart yelled. "Shoot me you old man. Just shoot me already."
Grandpappy held the gun and pointed it at Lockhart. Lockhart held his arms out.
"No, Gilderoy, you have a lot to live for!" Dumbledore yelled.
The gun cocked and fired. The gun shot off, with Grandpappy missing Lockhart and striking someone behind him
"NO!" Clyde yelled. "BETTY LOU!"
The bullet struck the pig and killed her in one shut. The hillbillies all gasped, and Grandpappy turned his gun around to point it at them. He shot the gun and missed a second time. The bullet ricocheted off and hit Dumbledore right in the beard. Dumbledore raised his eyebrow and pulled the bullet out of his beard.
"Give me that!" Crystal Meth yelled snatching the gun from Grandpappy. "If I can't have him then none of you can! Do you hear me, none of them can…."
A magical cattle prod stuck Crystal Meth right in the back. Deadpool yanked the cattleprod back. Crystal Meth rose to her foot and started to huff and mouth. Deadpool held the magical cattle prod at me.
"Come at me, Bro-Lady!" Deadpool shouted.
Crystal Meth's face turned green as she expanded. He stuck her in the chest with the magical cattle prod again. Crystal Meth grabbed Deadpool around the neck and hoisted him up.
"I'll chew you up and spit you out!" Crystal Meth yelled. "You're going to go right in mah belly!"
Her putrid breath hit Deadpool's face as she opened her mouth. It turned into a blackhole which sucked everything towards her. People grabbed onto furniture.
Deadpool dropped the magical cattleprod. Crystal Meth prepared to suck him into the blackhole which became his mouth. Filch and Snape looked on excitement. Dumbledore clutched onto his beard.
"Oh, the humanity of it all!" Dumbledore yelled. "It's a shame that Dumbledore isn't here! He would know what to do!"
Crystal Meth swallowed Deadpool whole. Everyone gasped as she grew bigger. Deadpool went inside of her and not in the good way either. The glowing woman moved forward and picked up two random witches who looked excited as they were about to get eaten hole.
"Now, put them down, you don't know where they've been…." Grandpappy started before Crystal Meth sucked him and the rest of the Voodoo Hillbillies into her mouth.
Crystal Meth grew bigger the more she absorbed and she started to suck every magical person into her mouth. Dumbledore, Snape, Filch, and Lockhart stood up against her. Lockhart picked up the magical Cattleprod.
"Stand back!" Lockhart yelled. "Get ready to write my final book, Hassles with Hillbillies!"
Lockhart held the cattle prod up and he jabbed it into the chest of Crystal Meth. Crystal Meth howled in agony, but suddenly, she clutched her stomach.
Gileroy Lockhart turned up the magical cattleprod to its highest setting before taking a running start and jumping straight into the mouth, into the belly of the beast herself.
Crystal Meth's eyes widened. Her skin started to crack after the energy overcharged through herself.
"Uh, Oh!"
Crystal Meth screamed in agony as she exploded into glowing green space rocks. They shot out in every direction throughout Hogsmeade and onto the Hogwarts grounds
"Great," Filch said. "I'm going to have to clean up this bloody mess."
Dumbledore hung his head in silence. Lockhart's noble sacrifice would not go in vain. Most of everyone who attended this press conference had been sucked up, leaving only the trio of Snape, Dumbledore, and Filch to stand alone, across from an unconscious Molly Weasley.
"Our Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is dead," Dumbledore said with a regretful sigh. "Again."
"Yes, again," Snape said.
"And so is our Deputy Caretaker," Dumbledore said.
"There's another Wilson in the Hogwarts Hospital Wing currently petrified," Snape reminded him.
"True enough," Dumbledore said. "I believe the Mandrakes will be ready to wake him up within the next couple of days."
"Yes," Snape said. "Unfortunately."
Scabbers the Rat poked out from underneath the wreckage, petrified beyond all belief, but happy he survived this battle.
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