Chapter 23: Hunt For The Hunt.
The loud clopping of the horses signifying the Headless Hunt's arrival made Nick make a decision. He eyed the blade held into the hand of the Bloody Baron. He spent the last couple of seconds agonizing over whether or not to grab the blade. Nick made a pretty obvious snap decision. He rushed to the blade and pulled it out of the hand of the Bloody Baron. The Bloody Baron spun around as the ghost axe was out of his hand.
"I need someone to chop off the rest of my head!" Nick called.
One of the ghosts rushed over to grab onto the axe. The Bloody Baron's eyes snapped towards the ghost and the ghost gulped.
"Put down my axe immediately!" The Bloody Baron yelled. He raised his hand and rushed towards the poor ghost. Nick grabbed the Bloody Baron by the back of his robes. "Let go of me, Sir Nicolas! You don't know what you're doing."
The Bloody Baron flung through the table by Nick launching him off. The ghost swung the axe down against Nick which caused Nick's ghostly body to slice completely in half. A hideous scream came from Nick when he had been ripped at the waist.
Deadpool cringed at Nick's spectral body being torn completely in half by the attack from the ghost axe. The ghost's thick glasses slid off of his face and he aimed the axe.
"Don't worry, I can get it!"
Completely Cut in Half Nick became Armless Nick after the ghost sliced his arms completely off and missed his head completely. Another axe swing came close to striking Nick until the Bloody Baron grabbed the axe and pulled it from the ghost's hands.
"That's enough," The Bloody Baron said in one of his most cruel voices possible. "Perhaps you should have learned why you should not have messed with my axe."
Nick's arms were sliced off, he was sliced in two, and yet his head still hung limply by one inch of flesh. This particularly damning frustration made Nick groan even more. He had been so close to losing his head, it was almost frustrating. Nick balled his fists up, with his ghost arms now detached from the rest of his body.
The doors broke open and the delegation for the Headless Hunt arrived. Sir Patrick Delaney-Podmore prepared for his declaration but stopped when he saw the hideous state of Nearly Headless Nick.
"Nick, my old friend!" Patrick exclaimed. "Tell me, is your head still hanging in there?"
Nick rolled his eyes. The joke was not funny the first time. It was not funny the next four hundred and ninety-nine times he heard it. The shame of having that half an inch of flesh made Nick want to disappear into some oblivion.
"Yes, obviously," Nick said. "And it wasn't due to any lack of trying."
"Well, that's the thing about ghost weapons," Patrick said. "They don't cut it!"
The other members of the Headless Hunt broke into laughter. Some of the other ghosts laughed and Nick looked on in shame. The Bloody Baron moved over and bent down to give Nick a very stern look.
"I warned you!" Bloody Baron yelled. "I told you not to meddle with these things."
"Well, better luck next year," Patrick said. "I'm sorry, my old friend, but the rules are rules, and you keep hanging onto the hope that you can get into the Headless Hunt."
Patrick turned to his fellow headless ghosts and smiled.
"Much like that head keeps on hanging in, eh, boys?"
The laughed and this caused Deadpool to jump in angry. He poked his finger through Patrick's chest which caused the ghost to jump back and his head to drop out.
"You should be ashamed of yourself," Deadpool said. "All of you, you ghosts, you should be ashamed of yourself. How can you live with yourselves with such cruel behavior?"
Patrick cradled his head, eyebrow raised in the air. "Well technically, old bean, none of have to live with ourselves. You see because we're ghosts."
Deadpool once again poked his finger through the chest of Patrick repeatedly and endlessly. The ghost grew amused and then slightly annoyed at Deadpool poking him through the chest approximately one thousand, eight hundred, and ninety-five times before he continued.
"You are coming against this man from a position of power and authority over him. You see, all of you, each and every one of you, you might have had gruesome demises. But one thing you can say is that your heads came completely off. Boom! They came off, chopped off. While Nick, Nick has to leave with the indignity of becoming Nearly Headless for all of his afterlife. Do you think that's easy? Don't you think that Nick wishes for a more dignified death?"
The members of the Headless Hunt all took their heads off their shoulders and hung them in shame.
"You just had to come to some guy's five hundredth deathday party and ruin it!" Deadpool yelled. "You know how many times you celebrate five hundred death days…one. And you just ruined his party by acting like an entitled cunt."
The strumming of the guitar in the distance caused the floating heads all to look in. The greasy looking Gilderoy Lockhart kept strumming his strings in the corner.
"All Nick wanted to do was join the hunt. But Sir Patrick, he had to act like a cunt. All he got for his efforts was pain. In the end, there was nothing to gain. But, despite it all being said, you all should feel lucky that you are all just dead."
Everyone grew silently, and Patrick just picked up his head off of the ground.
"So, Nick," Patrick said.
"Yes, Sir Patrick," Nick stiffly responded.
'Stiff like Nick's corpse after being almost Headlessed?' a voice in Deadpool's head asked.
'Dude, that's too soon,' another voice said.
'But it's been five hundred years!' another one exclaimed.
"You've suffered all throughout your afterlife," Sir Patrick said. "It would be an honor if you would accept lifetime afterlife achievement award for as a striking example and inspiration for ghosts everywhere. And I would also be honored if you would be the Honorary Chair Person in Charge for Bookkeeping."
Deadpool looked very much insulted. "Wait, first of all,…what bookkeeping is involved for an organization made completely of ghosts. I mean seriously, that just doesn't make any sense and…."
Peeves silenced Deadpool's sudden burst of logic by shoving a rotted pumpkin over the top of his head. The mumbling grew even louder. Everyone turned to the Bloody Baron for his input.
"I'll allow it," the Baron said.
The Mercenary ripped through the pumpkin and took a deep breath. The taste of disgusting and rotting pumpkin seed filled his mouth.
"They give you some BS position about bookkeeping and I still don't know that works," Deadpool said. "And they give you a participation trophy….are you serious?"
"Sir Patrick, I accept your proposal!" Nick cheered.
"Come on man, have some dignity," Deadpool said. "It's like one of those everyone gets a ribbon ribbons. Everyone gets a trophy trophies!"
Sir Patrick shook Nick's amputated floating arms.
"Oh, Nick got a trophy, no less," Lockhart said while strumming on his guitar. "But, Mr. Wilson thinks it's just a bunch of BS. Does it really matter in the end? After that one inch of flesh will not bend. But you can see, can't you tell? It's not bad being dead. Being alive, that's the true hell!"
The doors broke open and a second Deadpool stepped into the office doing a merry whistle.
'Oh, right, that was a thing,' Deadpool-Prime said.
"Hey everyone, sorry I was late!" Deadpool the Second called.
"Oh, my word!" The Fat Friar screamed like a girl. "There are two of them…my heart can't take it!"
The Fat Friar dropped to the ground in a faint. Every single person in the hall looked at him. A voice sniffed and then there was a loud "HEM, HEM!" coming from the hallway.
Both Deadpool shrieked and ducked for cover behind the table. The other ghosts scattered because some chill came through the air at those words. Lockhart just shrugged.
A floating ghost with purple hair came out from underneath the table and crossed her arms. The ghosts all groaned when she
"Excuse me, but we do not call him the Fat Friar," the ghost said in a nasally voice.
The Fat Friar sat up in confusion. "But, I call myself the Fat Friar!"
"It's completely offensive and like body-shaming to call someone fat," the ghost said, talking over the oppressed person she spoke on behalf of. "We call him the Body-Positive Religion Representative. And it's misogynist to say someone screamed like a girl."
"Lady, it's just a figure of speech!" Deadpool yelled.
Everyone cringed as the ghost turned to him.
"You can't just assume my gender!" the ghost screamed. "You are worse than Hitler!"
The woman gave a hideous banshee like scream when she bared down on him.
"You sexist, you racist, you transphobic, you Islamophobic, you deplorable, deplorable white male!" she howled like a banshee. "You're white…you're disgusting….you're deplorable…you're an awful piece of human garbage!"
The ghost spat ectoplasm in Deadpool's face and moved out. Myrtle returned to the party and stared down the ghost in horror.
"She's overly dramatic," Myrtle deadpanned.
Lockhart strummed his guitar and caused all of the ghosts to groan.
"Deadpool made a blunder. Now his reputation is going to be torn apart on Tumblr."
"Wait a fucking a minute!" Deadpool yelled. "How do you know what Tumblr is in…"
Peeves smashed a pumpkin over Deadpool's head to silence him. Everyone in the Death Day Party decided to take their leave. When the ghost of Sylvia Justine Walker showed up to any party, it always got ruined as everyone had been afraid to offend the ghost banshee. And when she got triggered.
'It's time, Wade.'
Deadpool rolled over in the cot. A voice whispered in the back of his head and started to prod at him. Deadpool groaned and then pushed his head underneath the pillow.
'Wade, it's time. It's time to rise.'
"Five more minutes," Deadpool grumbled.
'You said five more minutes twenty minutes ago,' the voice in Deadpool's head said. 'It's time for you to get up. It's time to open the Chamber of Secrets.'
'Is that a code word for vagina?' Deadpool asked.
'NO!' the voice in Deadpool's head exclaimed. 'It's time for you to rise. It's time for you to remove my snake from the Chamber of Secrets.'
'Yeah, that's really not something I feel comfortable interfering with,' Deadpool thought to himself. He rolled over onto his side.
Deadpool's arms trashed in bed and the covers kicked up out of bed. Something slipped into the back of his head. Deadpool took his deep breath.
'It's time for us to release my snake onto the students of this school!' the voice in his head said. 'Those unworthy Mudbloods will not dare walk about my school unmolested.'
'I think I need an adult,' Deadpool thought.
'UP!' the voice yelled.
'MAKE ME!'
The frustration of Tom Marvolo Riddle increased. He was dealing with this petulant man who absolutely refused to obey him.
'Get up so you can release my snake from the bowels of Hogwarts,' Riddle said. 'My secret snake needs to be released on the students of this school. They will wall tremble before the might of my mighty Basilisk!'
Deadpool trembled. He has actually terrified that the voice of some kind of serial molester was inside of his head.
'I want all of the children to look up and bow before their rightful master.'
Deadpool reached over and grabbed the lamp. He broke free of the room and rushed towards Dumbledore's office. While the Hogwarts Headmaster was a bit off kilter these days, Deadpool figured, that he might want to know that the ghost of some kind of crazy perverted ghost was in Deadpool's head.
'Repetition for the win,' one of the voices in Deadpool's head stated.
'What is this madness?' Riddle asked. 'Get out of here, whoever you are.'
'Hey, buddy, we were here first,' he said. 'Time for you to scoot and find someone else to bother!'
"I'M HEARING VOICES INSIDE MY HEAD!' Deadpool yelled.
"He hears voices inside of his head!" Lockhart sang. "He can't understand what they said! It's looking very grim because they talk to him!"
Out of the blue, Lockhart's slightly changed song lyrics summoned a wild Randy Orton from twenty-five years in the future to hit Lockhart with an RKO out of nowhere to lay him out.
The time traveling professional wrestler disappeared into a flash of light and his random cameo appearance in this story was never spoken of again.
Deadpool ran around screaming like a chicken with his head cut off. The second Deadpool, who had just finished cleaning the toilets, popped his head from the doorway.
"Help me, I think I've been possessed!" Deadpool prime yelled. "PEDO GHOST! PEDO GHOST! HELP!"
The Mercenary hurled himself against the wall. A loud thump echoed with Deadpool smacked head first into the wall. He stampeded over Lockhart's deflated body and caused him to fly up into the air and crash down onto the ground.
The second Deadpool waffled the first Deadpool over the head with a bucket and knocked him unconscious. Deadpool secured himself on the ground before storming into Dumbledore's office.
"Chocolate Frog!" Deadpool the second said. "Professor Dumbledore!"
Dumbledore sat in his office bathing nude in a vat of hot oil with a mud pack slathered over his face. The Mercenary stopped and shielded his eyes to not see a bit more of the Headmaster than nature or sanity intended.
"I'll come back later."
Deadpool the second stepped outside of the office and almost ran into Severus Snape. Snape held up a hand and caused Deadpool to stop before he started.
"No," Snape said. "Just no."
Snape retired to his office to get high off of potion fumes. Deadpool the Second waited as Deadpool Prime moved over to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom and dunked his head into the toilet which caused Myrtle to burst out of the toilet and scream in terror.
"HOW RUDE!"
Myrtle zipped off in the other direction. Deadpool Prime staggered to the entrance and suddenly, his body grew slack.
"Rise!" Deadpool yelled. "Open!"
The Chamber of Secrets opened once again. The second Deadpool appeared to the office. The sheer size of the snake rising out of the chamber made him stiff and dropped him to the ground.
"At last!" Deadpool yelled. "Slytherin's monster will rise again and all will succumb to its might! I will have vengeance. I will have justice. I will have Chimichangas."
The Dark Lord had no idea where that came from, but he just rolled with it.
'You…you better get out of my head, or I swear to god, I will make you look at all of my memories of my trip to Tahiti.'
"Excuse me?" Luna asked.
Everyone turned around and saw Luna Lovegood had been walking the grounds of Hogwarts, taking her pet rooster out for a walk. The Basilisk hissed as the rooster stared at it and crowed.
Lord Voldemort's snake had been no match for Luna Lovegood's cock.
Weekly Power Status
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