Chapter 17: Operation:Pixie Hunt.
Deadpool stepped down the very silent corridors of the school he had vowed to protect. He stopped and took a full view of his surroundings. Someone slammed the door of the Defense Against the Arts Classroom shut. Deadpool instantly saw something was up. He just had to figure out what was up and put a stop to it.
He double checked everything. Weapon completely on his shoulder, eyes completely opened, and he also had a full and clear head. Deadpool had everything he needed to stomp some pixies. The only thing he required to complete the endeavor was some pixies to stomp on his own. Everything locked and loaded and it was time for Deadpool to get physical with some pixies.
'Not in that way,' Deadpool reprimanded.
A very nervous Hermione Granger stood back behind him with shaking hands. Deadpool wondered what the hell about these pixies was different than the normal average garden variety pixie. He decided to take some adult responsibility.
"You better stick back here," Deadpool said. "If I have trouble, then you might want to tell Professor Dumbledore things got a bit hairy out there. The password you need to get in his office is Sherbet Lemon if British and Lemon Drop if you're not British. Trust me, the difference is very specific with that magical gargoyle."
Hermione nodded in understanding. Now that bit of business was out of the way, Deadpool resolved to deal with the next bit of business. He pulled the door open and saw one of the pixies fly headfirst into a closet after he smacked headlong into the wall.
Harry Potter and several other classmates backed against the wall. One of the pixies cackled madly when swinging a fire axe at the captive students.
'Okay, just two questions? Who give a pixie a fire axe. And how does a fire axe get into a magical school?'
"Alright, you little blighter. Come at me, bro!"
The pixie turned around and widened its bug eyes at Deadpool. It allowed Harry to open up the door and to get the remaining students out of there. The pixie waved his fire axe repeatedly at Deadpool. Deadpool waved his mega-blaster, all rights reserved, at the pixies. The pixies hovered in the air.
Two of them shot from underneath the desk and hoisted Deadpool up into the air. A third pixie hovered in the air and stuck its tongue out at Deadpool. Deadpool pulled out his lucky toilet brush and waffled one of the pixies in the face. The creature dropped down to the ground and dropped Deadpool along with him. Deadpool down to the ground and reclaimed the mega-blaster, all rights reserved.
"SMILE, YOU GRUESOME SONS OF BITCHES!"
One great big ball of fire shot through the mega-blaster and caused one of Lockhart's portraits to cause it to set on fire. Deadpool just shrugged his shoulders and fired directly at all of the other portraits. An anguished scream came from underneath the desk.
"Okay, now that's settled!" Deadpool yelled. "Onto you."
One of the pixies stuck its tiny fingers into its tiny ears and blew a raspberry at Deadpool. Deadpool blasted him in response to this declaration of war. The pixie backed off from what happened.
Three pixies snapped together in a cage. Harry walked into the classroom after having herded them out.
"Oh, is this our yearly team up?" Deadpool asked. "Fighting pixies."
"Cornish pixies," Harry corrected him.
Deadpool took out a bottle of cleaning solution and Harry tapped his wand to it. The cleaning solution bubbled and hissed before exploding into a makeshift bomb. The pixies screamed in horror.
"Yeah!" Deadpool yelled. "Who wants some?"
One of the pixies pulled Deadpool up by his underwear and gave him a wedgie in mid-air. Harry reached into Deadpool's bag of fun and banished a urinal cake at the pixie. The pixie scattered back into the cage which he had come into.
Deadpool reclaimed the mega-blaster, all rights reserved. He fired at the horde of pixies who scattered. They ended up in giant floating magical set of bubbles thanks to Harry before he sucked them into the cage. They all screamed and cursed in their own little pixie language at Harry.
"Sorry, but I can't let you out of Hogwarts."
The fire axe wielding pixie returned to the battle and caught Deadpool between the legs. Deadpool doubled over as every male, including Harry and the quivering man underneath the desk, winced in sympathy at what happened to Deadpool.
Harry deflected the axe away from him and dropped the pixie all the way down to the ground. The pixie returned to the cage.
"Are you okay?" Harry asked. "No offense, but you…."
"Got hit in the nuts with a fire axe, yeah, I'm aware," Deadpool groaned.
Pain racked every inch of Deadpool's mangled scrotum. A healing factor was very nice and would be even nicer if it canceled out the rest of the pain. Deadpool turned his attention towards the area of the classroom. He turned to the really fancy bust of Lockhart who looked over the classroom. Deadpool pointed the Mega-Blaster, all rights reserved, before blasting the bust into thousands of tiny little pieces.
"You knew the pixies were dead, right?" Harry asked.
"Yeah, I'm aware," Deadpool said. "You…you should go."
Deadpool waited for Harry to leave before tapping on the desk. The figure underneath the desk started to quiver.
"You can come out now!"
The head of Gilderoy Lockhart pushed out from underneath his desk. His nervous hand twitched and looked up towards him.
"I was….well that was a teamwork exercise that got out of control," Lockhart said. "I….I didn't really expect for the pixies to….naturally I was luring them into a false sense of security. I thought they would target me and not the children. Please tell me no one got hurt, because that would…well that wouldn't really sell well."
Lockhart would have to track any child who got hurt down at the hospital wing so he could work his magic and make everyone who was present forgive and forget. It was how things worked.
"Other than my severely mangled scrotum there was no casualties," Deadpool said.
The Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher looked up. The debris in his classroom did not hit him completely off. He noticed several of his portraits lying on the floor and a large piece of the very fancy bust he put on the desk. Lockhart clutched his hands to his head and dropped down hard to the ground.
"NO!" Lockhart yelled. "My bust…my beautiful bust!"
Deadpool watched as Lockhart had a breakdown. Lockhart held the representation of his crumbling face in his hands. The Best Selling Author freaked completely out. Lockhart crossed his arms together and dragged himself across the floor. He started to whimper and scream and brush across the floor. He started to scream out loud and whimper.
"No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No! No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No!"
Lockhart kept screaming his head off at the horror of the busted bust. He rocked back and forth and screamed out loud. The Defense Against the Dark Against Teacher shifted his head back and whimpered.
"No, oh why!" Lockhart yelled. "Why? Why? WHY?"
Draco Malfoy walked past the Defense Against the Dark Arts Classroom and looked in at a blubbering and blustering Lockhart. The Malfoy heir just sneered at the whimpering excuse of a human being and teenager."
"What a drama queen," Draco drawled.
"Oh, no, no, no!" Lockhart blubbered. "Oh, no, no, no, no! Oh, no, no, no. WHY? OH, WHY? WHY…..WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME!"
Deadpool picked up a large antique vase and smashed it over Lockhart's head and knocked him completely unconscious.
"What the hell are you doing, you motherfuckers!"
Peeves, dressed as Dumbledore, appeared in the doorway to say this iconic line. He looked at Deadpool and through a large bin of chalk erasers before zipping off and cackling like a madman. Chalk dust filled the classroom with Deadpool trying to get some kind of visibility.
The dust cleared and Lockhart's classroom had been covered in dust, broken portraits, a broken bust, and carnage as well. The pixies remained in the cage.
"Yeah, I don't really know what happened there either," Deadpool said. "Hey, at least Peeves didn't end up releasing all of the pixies."
"Thanks, pal!"
Peeves zipped into the classroom and released all of the pixies from the cages. They swarmed Lockhart's unconscious body and then lifted him up. The pixies took the unconscious Lockhart out of the school and zipped straight into the night with him.
Deadpool just shrugged and prepared to clean up his classroom. He whistled a merry tune while sweeping up the chaos of the classroom.
Dumbledore appeared in the doorway and stared at Deadpool for a second. Deadpool turned around to face the Hogwarts Headmaster.
"Where's Professor Lockhart?" Dumbledore asked.
"Somewhere to the East," Deadpool said. "He was kidnapped by the pixies he brought to school."
Dumbledore was afraid of that. He stepped back and moved across the hallway.
"Severus, I'm going to need that emergency bottle you keep under your desk!"
It was time for Deadpool to mop the floor and clean up Lockhart's classroom. If Lockhart was coming back, well he didn't know?
"So, everything okay?" Harry asked.
"Yeah," Deadpool said. "So, what happened to you after you were taken from the Dursleys?"
"Well, that's a long story," Harry said.
"Well, I'll be here until at least the next chapter is ready to post," Deadpool said. "Wouldn't be a bad time to tell me honestly."
So, Harry did.
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