Chapter 15: Meeting Of The Mind:
Everyone's favorite mercenary janitor appeared on the grounds of Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry as he whistled. Deadpool moved into Hogwarts after his little meeting and side trip with Harry Potter. Deadpool stepped into Hogwarts and came face to face with the one and only Argus Filch. Filch looked Deadpool in the face and saw the jaunty step in his body.
"I don't know what you're happy about!" Filch snapped. "Every day brings us one day closer to a new school year starting. These monsters are going to wreck this school. I've finally got the trophies clear and the floor clean enough where you can eat off of it."
A cackling figure zipped through the floor with a bag of Dragon dung dangling from his hand. Peeves ripped the bag open and splattered the contents of the manure bag on the floor in front of Filch.
"To the trophy room, a-hoy!" Peeves yelled.
"Hey, get back here you pest of a Poltergeist!"
The Hogwarts Caretaker rushed toward Filch. He scrambled over and slipped on the floor to land hard on the floor. Filch laid on the floor. Every time he tried to sit up, Peeves hurled a clump of dragon dung at him and laughed with madness dancing through his eyes. The mercenary kept blasting his adversary with the dragon dung before going up the steps.
Deadpool dumped a bucket of soap over Filch and took a mop before starting to clean Filch off. Filch gurgled and growled as he did not appreciate the unwanted shower. He thrashed back and forth on the floor with Deadpool pulling back from him.
"Well, that's a thing that happens."
The mercenary took a couple of steps forward and came face to face with Severus Snape. He looked towards Deadpool for a few seconds and looked back towards him as time passed.
"Where have you been?" Snape asked.
"Do you really want to know?" Deadpool asked.
"Not particularly," Snape admitted. "But, Dumbledore seems to be all in an uproar because you've caused a lot of chaos. That squib who lives on Harry Potter's block is causing havoc. I wondered if the boy would have done something, but I figured that you would make so much more sense."
A frown curled into Snape's lips with his arms folded over. Deadpool scooped up the bucket of soapy water before it swung back and forth in his hand.
"If you must know, I checked up on Harry Potter when he did not respond to his correspondence on behalf of Hagrid."
"Leave it to Potter to be poor at answering his mail," Snape said.
"Well, actually there was a perfectly logical reason," Deadpool responded. Snape raised his eyebrow in response and just motioned for him to continue. "There was some kind of gremlin who was blocking Harry Potter's letters. So, I drove all the way in there in a tank and wrecked his aunt's lawn. She didn't seem too happy."
For one fleeting second, Snape found some amusement in his life at the thought of Petunia's face at that senseless destruction. It was difficult for Snape to keep a straight face as he kept imagining Petunia's horrified face and came inches away from laughing before he pulled back.
Snape tried not to show his outward amusement and his expression almost broke. Unfortunately, Deadpool would not have the joy of having Snape perform an expression other than scowling or a malicious grin. He always kept a stoic expression of two of the most powerful wizards in the world. He could do it from some mentally deranged nutjob who thought he was a character in a fictional story.
"Snape! Snape! Severus Snape! Snape! Snape! Severus Snape!"
Peeves bobbed up and down behind Snape and did bunny ears on the back of his head. The wizard turned around just in time to get doused with a bucket of water. He blasted into the hallway as Snape clutched his fist together and rocked his hand together.
"I swear, I'm surrounded by idiots," Snape said.
He might do something drastic to the next moron who stepped to the door. Snape was at his wits end between Peeves, Wilson, and Dumbledore. The trio brought Snape's agitation to a brand new level of frustration.
"Hey, don't look at him," Deadpool said.
"I try not to."
The doors opened up and a blonde haired man with blinding teeth came through the doorway. He had his hair styled with the finest products and struck a very heroic pose. He dressed in a bright violet set of robes.
Snape put his hand over the side of his face. The man in front of him was Gilderoy Lockhart and Snape just detested this man by looking him. His books were ripe full of inconsistencies. Every time Snape pointed them out, people claimed he was jealous because of Lockhart's good looks so Snape did not bother.
"What are you doing here, Lockhart?"
Suddenly, fear struck Snape when he realized something about him.
'Oh, no.'
"Severus Snape, have you lost weight?" Lockhart asked.
"No," Snape said. "What are you doing here? This isn't one of your book signings so why are you at this school. Only teachers and staff are allowed on the school grounds before September First."
Lockhart put his hand around him. "Ah, Severus, my good man, we're co-workers now. Did you ever look into that potion I told you about? I'd always help an aspiring potions master improve at his craft."
Snape's stomach turned into an agonizing knot. There was only one position which was open. Surely, Dumbledore could not have been stupid enough to….no, he could not have hired this charlatan to a position as the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. This was Dumbledore's worst staff appointment ever.
"It's going to be great. I'm going to be the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. I can't wait to give the students the benefit of my experience."
Snape turned to Deadpool who responded with a shrug. The newest teacher turned his attention to the mercenary and pushed the briefcase into Deadpool's stomach which doubled him over. Deadpool gasped when feeling the full force of the case going into his stomach.
Lockhart patted Deadpool on the back. "Take this up to my office, my good man. I've had a long trip. That's a good fellow."
Deadpool staggered underneath the heavy case which broke open. Several mirrors dropped out of the case and shattered on the ground. Several portraits of this Lockhart and several copies of his books dropped on Deadpool's foot. He dropped up and down.
"Oh, no, that's awful!"
Lockhart bent down and he looked at the portrait of himself. The duplicate of Lockhart in the portrait turned his nose into the air. Lockhart tried to wave his wand to get the mirrors together, but the mirror crumbled on three tries of Lockhart trying to repair it.
'It's a simple repairing charm,' Snape thought. 'And Dumbledore hired him as the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.'
"Good afternoon, gentlemen.'
Dumbledore stepped into the room and saw a scowling Snape, a very annoyed Deadpool, and a very agitated Lockhart as he tried to put the mirror back together. Dumbledore took pity on the man and caused the mirror to stick back together. He packed up the case with another mild wave of his wand and smiled.
"Thanks, Professor," Lockhart said. "My trip must have been longer than I thought."
"You're Portkey lagged," Dumbledore said while shaking his head. "It happens to the best of us."
Deadpool shook his head behind Dumbledore's back and repeatedly mouthed the word "bullshit" behind his back. Snape caught Deadpool's eye and nodded in agreement. He realized he was agreeing with Deadpool and stopped cold.
"I do love those hair curlers though," Dumbledore commented very lightly. "They really do give you the right spring in your hair when you have to look your best."
"Of course, Professor," Lockhart said. "You don't want to go in there against the forces of darkness looking like an unmade bed. And you have to tell me where you got those robes. I like the color, it's a very nice shade of lilac. It really looks good on you."
"Thank you, you are too kind," Dumbledore said. "Why don't we head up to my office so we can have a discussion about high magical fashion. And we can have a house elf take care of this briefcase and make sure that it gets up there safely without any problems."
Dumbledore turned his attention to Snape who looked very flushed.
"Are you okay, Severus?"
"I'm ill," Snape replied. "I believe it would be prudent if I lied down."
Lockhart jumped into the picture. "Oh, my grandmother has this home remedy that will really perk it up. I can brew it for you."
Snape preferred not to. He remembered Lockhart being a few years above him at Hogwarts and he made Neville Longbottom look like…well, he made Longbottom look like Snape in the art of potions. He would not trust him with any healing spells or enchantments or potions or anything.
"Well, I'm going to rest my foot, which I dropped a bunch of heavy books on," Deadpool said.
Snape moved off, Lockhart and Dumbledore moved off, and Deadpool stood in the hallway all alone.
'So, they hired this guy to be the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. What does Dumbledore have in those lemon drops?'
Deadpool had a feeling this year would be intriguing and potentially for all of the wrong reasons. He got his hands on a copy of the Daily Prophet which had the headline of "Lucius Malfoy under fire for potential assassination plot on Harry Potter, House Elf Implicates Malfoy."
'Well, the plot thickens."
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