Chapter 12: Tonight is The Night.
Nefarious goings on were happening at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And those nefarious goings on were plenty insane as well. If insanity was going to go on, then Wade Wilson, better known as Deadpool would be directly smack dab in the middle of everything. It took every fiber of self-control he had not to rub his fingers together in delight.
'Something's going to happen tonight,' Deadpool thought.
Exams were in the process of wrapping up. Deadpool knew he would have a full day off. Word on the grapevine was Filch would be back from his sabbatical just in time to enjoy having to clean up after the students. Deadpool leaned back and saw all of the students whispering. Many of the other students attempted to smuggle in some banned substances from underneath the school.
'You feel all that?' Deadpool asked. 'I don't know how to explain it. Tonight's the night, though. I can't really explain…well, tonight's something is going to happen?'
"Did you ever get a feeling that something insane is about to happen?"
Severus Snape stopped and stepped back from the person who he was talking to. A few seconds passed as Snape debated hard whether or not to even acknowledge he was being spoken of by this complete mental.
"Every time I see you lingering around the corner, yes," Snape said.
The Mercenary broke out into a fit of laughter. His howling laughter only grew louder at Snape who looked like he had been force-fed one of those sour candies which made everything sour. Deadpool slapped his hand on Snape's shoulder.
"Oh, Sevvykins, such a kidder. Actually, I was being serious for once in my life."
Snape's eyebrows rose up. "Do you have anything to go on? Or are you just reaching?"
"Well everything just seems so tense," Deadpool said. "Maybe I'll feel better if I spoke to Dumbledore."
"As much as I hate to burst your bubble," Snape said. He offered a brief smile which made it look like he loved nothing better than bursting Deadpool's bubble. "I'm afraid that's impossible. The Headmaster has left. The Minister has called him away on an urgent matter."
"An urgent matter," Deadpool said. "Why at the end of the school year?"
Snape just give a noncommittal shrug. Knowing Fudge it could be any number of reasons why Dumbledore had been called away from the school. Snape could only begin to guess.
"I overheard some students talking about how Vol-."
"Do you mind?" Snape asked.
"Mind what?" Deadpool asked.
"Saying the Dark Lord's name in public like that," Snape said. "That's a good way to get yourself ki….on second thought, do continue."
"Right," Deadpool said. "As I was saying there were students talking about how Voldemort might be after the Philosopher's Stone. Or is it the Sorcerer's Stone? Regardless, it's one of the two. Anyway, it's the magical artifact which is hidden underneath the three-headed dog on the third floor of this school and also underneath a buttload of magical enchantments if I had to guess. Enchantments which I'm certain would give any wizard with his salt trouble, or witch, to be fair."
Snape wondered if there was any point to all of this rambling. He looked on in a mostly patient fashion.
"The point is no one can get to the stone."
"Who were these students?" Snape asked. "Because I saw Potter lurking around outside. And I would think that with Miss Greengrass and to a lesser extent Miss Bones, they would understand the need not to get involved in certain matters…."
"I thank you for giving my niece the credit she needs."
Deadpool broke out in a smile the second he saw Snape just backward. Snape caught a glimpse of Amelia Bones standing in the corridor with a few Ministry trained Aurors.
"Madam Bones," Snape said. "A pleasure."
"The Headmaster, I wish to speak with him," Amelia said.
"Oooh, I think someone is in trouble for hiding a dangerous magical artifact in a school full of children," Deadpool said in a sing-song voice.
The Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement decided to brush off the comments of this quirky custodian. Snape looked at her, his expression completely blank.
"The Headmaster is already on his way to the Ministry," Snape said. "I can assure you the item on the third floor is completely secure."
"Mmm, well, I'll see," Amelia said. "I'm taking a group of curse breakers up there right now."
Deadpool could not help and be amused. Susan Bones had enough sense to write her aunt after Harry relayed his suspicions to his new friend.
'And now one of the most, and by most I mean only, somewhat competent adult authority figures in this world is coming to make sure the Duck Lard doesn't get his hands on the stone,' Deadpool said.
The Mercenary moved back to get on with his duties. He looked over his shoulder and could see someone creeping down the hallway. Quirrell hunched over and muttered something underneath his breath.
"There's going to be a problem, my Lord. It's Bones. She's here. We might have some difficulties getting the Stone."
The Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher spoke to some invisible force on the other side of the turban. Deadpool slumped against the wall and listened.
"I have to move now. Yes, I understand. Snape is….Snape's under orders from Dumbledore not to allow anyone near that corridor tonight. We're going to use it to our advantage….yes my Lord, I'll kill him afterward."
'Well, this isn't good.'
Deadpool did not know what was happening on the floor below him. He moved and accidentally knocked a vase over. The vase shattered to the ground.
Quirrell turned himself away. His eyes moved Deadpool who held out a mop in his hand.
"Stand back, I know how to use this!"
Quirrell snapped his hand and fire shot from his wand and incinerated the mop. Deadpool flung against the wall with a huge impact.
"That annoyance again," the voice under Quirrell's turban muttered.
"Shall I kill him, Master."
"No," the mysterious voice replied. "Bring him with us. He might be useful."
Quirrell raised his eyebrow and wisely said nothing. He knew they did not take much time. Ropes shot from his wand and wrapped around the form of the down acting head of magical sanitation. The gag appeared over his mouth and wrapped him up tight for good measure.
"I do wonder why Dumbledore hired such a wild card," the voice of mystery said. "He's up to something."
"Wilson?" Quirrell asked.
"No, Dumbledore."
An invisible force forced Quirrell's hand to raise and smack himself hard in the face. The minion staggered back and lifted up to bring him into the room.
"Do you have the harp?"
"Of course."
X-X-X
Snape had no idea how this could have gone off of the rails. He would never have though the Ministry would have been involved.
"What's on the Third Floor?" Amelia asked.
"Would you believe me if I told you?" Snape asked.
The Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement looked at the man who would not even have a job or even freedom, had it not been for Dumbledore vouching for him. Snape stared the woman down for a few seconds. The woman stared back him with a very stern look. She was one woman who could give McGongall a run for her money.
"Dumbledore is keeping a Philosopher's Stone on the third floor," Snape said.
The cold vibe in the air made Amelia take about two or three steps. The Aurors followed her a few steps behind her. The door remained sealed shut on the other side.
"Stand back," Amelia said.
She heard a growling sound on the other side of the door. The growling grew even louder yet. The party on the other end of the door sounded very agitation. Amelia rose up and pressed her ear to the door. A second passed before Amelia turned her attention back to Snape.
"Dumbledore's having the Stone guarded by a pack of wild dogs?" Amelia asked.
"No," Snape corrected her in the driest voice possible. "One dog, three heads."
Amelia motioned for the Aurors to get into position. One of them screamed out when they heard the growling from the other end of the door. The dog scratched and tried to break his way to the door.
"He's already here," Snape said. "Well, this could complicate things. At least Potter is not involved."
Potter being involved would be a lot worse. Then again, Potter being involved always makes anything worse. Hideous growls brought Snape's attention back. The lock clicked open and the Aurors moved their way towards the dog.
The dog, all three heads, bared and looked angry. The three-headed dog jumped towards the Aurors. They fired off stunning spells. The red light nailed the dog and dropped it to the ground.
"What is that thing?" one of the Aurors asked.
"Fluffy," Snape offered unhelpfully.
"Fluffy?" Amelia asked.
"I didn't name it," Snape said. "Hagrid was the one who named it."
The dog rose back up to the ground and started to snap. It went after Snape and very nearly put a bite into his arm. The Aurors blasted the dog back.
"Do any of you know how to deal with this thing?" Amelia asked.
One of the Aurors pointed with a harp on the ground. Someone charmed it at least from the looks of thing. Amelia closed her eyes and figured out it. The old phrase of music soothing the savage beast had been reminded. She scooped up the harp and started to strum a tune.
It wasn't the violin, but it would have to do. The dog barked loudly and then started to grow more docile. The first two heads drooped down to the ground. Amelia charmed the harp to keep playing and the dog's third head dropped down. All three of the heads had been put to sleep.
"Door," Amelia said. "It should keep playing for the next ten minutes."
The Aurors all nodded. One of them stepped forward and unhooked the latch on the trapdoor. Snape cleared his throat and the Auror who was about ready to take the plunge paused.
"Watch out for the Devil's Snare."
A painful throbbing came over Deadpool's head as he tried to wake back up. The last thing he knew, he ran into Quirrell who was talking to someone. Then the next thing he knew, Quirrell attack him and knocked him out. He took a deep breath and wondered if he was dead.
"You're a very interesting person. I really don't know what to make of you."
Deadpool would have said something in response. He would have made some kind of very witty quip. The fact the gag had been put around his mouth made it very hard to say something.
'And somehow, you only have yourself to blame for this. Because, if it wasn't for your presence, then Harry Potter might not have made some new friends and gotten some sense to actually get authority figures involved. Granted, putting a kid in danger is wrong. And I'm glad he isn't going to die before he's a teenager at this rate. But…this is bad.'
"I suppose you are wondering why I haven't killed you."
Deadpool's eyes rolled back. Yes, he wondered. He was not complaining. The Mercenary Janitor wondered why this mysterious voice attached to the back of Quirrell's head was not going to kill him.
"Remove his gag, Quirrell."
The man in the purple turban paused at the orders coming from underneath said turban. He took a half of a step into the picture and pulled the gag off of him.
"Did you wash that thing before putting it in my mouth?"
"I'm curious about something," the voice said. "Let me face him. I want to see him."
"Master, are you sure?"
"Yes," he said. "I'm sure. I'm certain I want to look him directly in the eye before I use him to get what I need."
Quirrell unwrapped the turban around from his head. Deadpool's eyes opened up and he came face to the back of the head of a snake-faced individual.
"Oh, it's…you!" Deadpool yelled. "You're him. You're that guy. You're the guy who is the guy who is the man who does things to the other man!"
"You have no idea who I am, do you?" the snake-faced man asked. "I am the most feared Dark Lord of all time. My name is Lord Voldemort."
"Oh, yeah, I thought you looked familiar," Deadpool said. "You look nothing like the pictures in those children's story books where Harry Potter is so kicking your ass. New haircut?"
"Albus Dumbledore hired you," Voldemort said without missing a beat. "I'm curious to know why. Then, the answer has hit me all of this time. You're the one who is the key to lifting the Philosopher's Stone from the Mirror."
"What me?" Deadpool asked. "Why me?"
"Why not you?"
That particular airtight logic hit Deadpool with all of the force of a runaway freight train. He could not say anything. He just took in a deep breath. Quirrell motioned for him to move over.
"Hell, genius, I'm still tied up. I can't move."
Quirrell snapped his fingers and the ropes disappeared from Deadpool. He took a few minutes to get his bearings and walked over to the mirror.
"Tell me, what you see."
Deadpool walked in front of the mirror. He looked at himself and he was wearing a nice new hat on the other side of the mirror. The eyes of the Dark Lord burned in the back of his head.
"Do you mind?" Deadpool asked. "And here I thought the TSA was bad."
"Tell me what you see, Mr. Wilson," Voldemort said after letting out his voice in a hiss.
No point in telling a lie when the truth would work just as well. Deadpool looked at the mirror. "I see myself wearing a nice new hat. It's a very nice hat. And it's new."
This answer did not suit well with Voldemort. Quirrell spun to force his master to look away from Deadpool.
"You're lying. You have to be the key. We're running out of time. They're on their way."
"What do you mean?" Deadpool asked. "You asked me what I saw in the mirror. I told you what I saw. What more do you want?"
The tension in the air could be cut by a cold night. Voldemort's eyes widened when he looked at it.
"He must be the one. Dumbledore must have used him to hide the stone. What's his nefarious scheme?"
"Well, there's his secret stash of rare chocolate frog cards, which I wasn't supposed to tell anyone off," Deadpool said. "Also, I think his lemon drops are laced with LSD. But, I'm not one hundred percent sure about that."
Deadpool collapsed down on the ground. Quirrell put his wand in the back of Deadpool's neck.
"Tell me, Wilson! What do you see?"
"I don't see anything…fine I was lying. It's Snape and Dumbledore and…they're doing the Chicken Dance!"
'Where's that stupid stone?' Deadpool asked. 'I have to find it before they do. But where could it be?'
He could feel something probe the back of his head. He realized something. They were probing the back of his mind. Deadpool started to blast a rendition of "It's a Small World After All" back through the attempted mental link. Voldemort stepped back in agony.
"He knows something!" Voldemort yelled. "He has the stone."
"I don't have the stone!" Deadpool yelled. "See, I'll show you. Just let me turn out my pockets."
Deadpool pulled out a bottle of ammonia, some yarn, and Scabbers the rat who squeaked in surprise. His eyes as if he sensed something bad happening. Scabbers dangled from Deadpool's hand.
"The other pocket."
He turned out his pocket and a small red stone slipped out of it into his hand. Deadpool jumped back and almost dropped the stone in surprise. Quirrell glared at him.
"Um, I don't know how that got here," Deadpool said. "I swear."
"Give me the Stone," Voldemort said.
"The Stone?" Deadpool asked. "What does this thing do?"
"It's far beyond your comprehension," Voldemort said. "Hand me the stone or you will suffer the consequences. You can't get the better of me. Dumbledore can't, and neither can Harry Potter."
Deadpool pulled the Stone back and threw it against the wall. The Philosopher's Stone slid between the crack and the floor and into the chamber below.
"NO!" Voldemort yelled.
Voldemort used Quirrell's hands to try and strangle Deadpool. Deadpool hurled the ammonia in Quirrell's eyes. Quirrell screamed out in agony as his eyes burned. Deadpool threw himself behind the Mirror of Erised.
"I'LL KILL YOU!" Voldemort shrieked at the top of his lungs.
"Master, please, you're tearing me apart!" Quirrell yelled.
The mirror flipped over and Voldemort tried to grab Deadpool around the neck. Deadpool rolled around on the floor with Quirrell and hurled him towards the exit.
Quirrell flew through the magical fire guarding the stone without a potion going through his system. He screamed in agony as the fire consumed his body.
"YOU!"
Voldemort broke free from the fire. The spectral form rushed towards Deadpool and decayed the air around him.
"I'll kill you if it's….."
A fist shot through Deadpool and punched spectral Voldemort right in the face. The Dark Lord exploded into thousands of tiny wisps.
Peeves the Poltergeist appeared in the distance with a bucket swinging his head.
"Voldyshorts needs a time out!" Peeves yelled at the top of his lungs.
"Ah, good timing Peeves," Deadpool said.
Peeves dumped the contents of his bucket onto the head of Deadpool. Deadpool dripped with brown water as Peeves zipped back through the wall.
"DAMN YOU, PEEVES!"
The fire disappeared. Dumbledore appeared on the other end of the fire just on cue.
"Bad guy's been defeated, another bad guy's been defeated, and I believe the Ministry's right behind you," Deadpool said. "I want a raise!"
The day was saved once again thanks to Deadpool, with a little assistance from Peeves. Thankfully dignity prevented Deadpool from collapsing to the ground.
Amelia, Snape, and the Ministry Aurors turned up after breaking through all of the traps. They turned up just to see Dumbledore and a very haggard looking Acting Deputy Caretaker of Magical Sanitation.
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