Chapter 4: Joan: Defeat
Joan : 13 years
"Joan, don't forget to pick Pinky from school okay ", my aunt says handing me the lunch box.
"Okay, aunty."
Walking down the street, disquieting thoughts echo in my head making me burst into tears. My brother's at the hospital and my mom's there, taking care of him. My Dad is working night shifts to make money for the surgery. I'm staying at my uncle's house under the care of his wife.
I sigh and look up to the sky. It's the month of June and the monsoon season had set in. The clouds turn grey and before I know it, water droplets trickle from those cotton balls.
I loved it when it rained. I can cry all I want and no one would ask me why. I look ahead. I see boys and girls, in their new school bag, new uniform, new books, new shoes. Everything new. Rain coats and umbrellas with imprinted images of Pokemon, Barbie, Tom and Jerry, Superman, Batman and Spider Man. Muddy shoes and damp socks.Traffic blocks and slow moving vehicles carrying the students to school.
Somehow I manage to reach school on time. It is the sophomore year of high school and I'm currently 13 years old. I check the notice board to see which class I was assigned to.
8B. I search for "their" names on the board. My best friends. Annie and Neva. Neva (8A). Annie(8B). I'm relieved. Annie and I are assigned to the same class. I was already going through a rough time with my brother and I didn't want to be alone. I wanted my friends with me. I yearned for their presence.
I walk into the classroom and take the seat at an empty table on the last row. Even though I have been studying here at Priston Girls High for three years, I still wasn't quite fitting in.
I look around. I see, new faces and new squads. I hear, new voices. My hands began to shiver but I hid it. That was something I was good at.
Hiding....
I sit there at the empty table all alone. None of the girls came up to me to have a conversation and I was too shy to go and talk to them as well. So I keep quiet, patiently waiting for Annie to arrive.
Fifteen minutes till the bell rings.
I'm still waiting for Annie, my best friend. I've not seen her since the school closed for our summer vacation. I wanted to tell her about my brother. I wanted someone to hear out my problems.
After sometime Annie walks into the classroom with another girl and takes the seat at the front row.
"Hey, Annie. Wow, I'm so glad that we are assigned to the same class .I wish Neva was here too.Then all three of us could have been together. I believe she's at class 8A. We'll go see her during the lunch break." I tell Annie with a forced smile.
"Yeah. I'm fine. Oh!!! I almost forgot. You know Carol right? " Annie says pointing to the girl seated next to her.
"Yeah of course. Nice to meet you Carol. I'm Joan by the way."
"Hey." Carol says smiling.
"Annie, I've reserved a seat next to me. We can sit together. Come on. Let's go. Let's go. " I tell Annie grabbing her bag.
"Oh I was thinking of sitting at the front row with Carol. Besides I won't be able to see anything if I sit in the last row. You know since I'm short ." Annie says pulling back her bag.
"Oh you're right. Then I'll sit with you. Problem solved. " I tell Annie pointing to the empty seat beside her.
"Oh you can't. I already reserved them for my friends. So I guess this table is fully occupied." Carol says with a cold smile.
"Why don't you sit in the last bench Joan. I'm sure someone will come and sit near you." Annie tells me with an innocent smile.
"Ahh.. Umm.. Yeah.. Of course... Anyway then. See you. " I tell her trying to hold back tears.
Bell rings and soon after the teacher walked in. Students assemble at their seats. I return to the empty table.
Annie has changed. She was acting like a total stranger towards me. I didn't know what I did wrong for her to act so cold towards me. I stare at the empty seat beside me and back at Annie. She seems to be having fun. Laughing and being ever so jolly with her new friends.
I felt a sharp arrow pierce through my heart. My eyes started to tear up. My heart began to beat like crazy. I can hear my own sounds, inside my head, like that of the cry of a distressed child. My head felt like it was about to burst. I pray no one notices my tears.
"Good Morning class. I'm Raven Clark. I'll be your class teacher this academic year and l will be dealing with your history paper. Now that you've settled down, I'll take the attendance." She started to take the attendance and I hardly say the words, " Present Ma'am ".
"Oh it seems like everyone's expect for this one student. Okay then, let's begin the class . Please open your book to page 12."
I bite my lips and clutch my fingers hard onto my uniform desperately trying to resist myself from running out of the classroom.
Oh no... Joan. Don't cry on the first day of school. The girls might think you're delusional. Joan stop it. Please don't cry. I keep repeating to myself. I didn't want to cause a scene so I try to keep myself busy by reading the text book.
I take a look around at the class. Everyone seems to have found their permanent seats. Does this mean that I'm gonna have to sit alone at this empty table for the rest of the year. That thought killed me.
During lunch break, I go to see Neva. "Hey!! Joan. How are you dear?. Long time no see. You're so lucky. You have Annie. I'm all alone here." Neva tells me looking all flustered.
"Oh yeah. Annie.....Yeah. I'm lucky, I guess. Did you make friends?" I ask Neva forcing a smile.
"No I'm okay. I already made friends with some of them."
"Oh I'm glad."
"Did you have lunch yet?"
"No"
"Go have it then. I'll see you later . Bye Joan." Neva yells while running towards her new group of friends who had been waiting for her.
I'm happy for Neva. I didn't want her to go through what I was going through. I hate to see my loved ones cry and feel lonely. After Neva left , I return to the class and see Annie having lunch with her new friends. I go sit at the empty table and stare at my lunch that my aunt had made for me.
Everybody seems to be sitting in groups, chatting, laughing, sharing lunch and I alone. I close my lunch box and get out of the classroom for some fresh air.
Bell rings. Class has ended.
Everyone leaves except for me. All those pend up sorrow hit me like a hurricane. The thoughts of my brother, my mom and my dad, added to the sorrow. I cry...I cry and I cry. I cry a river. No, I cry an ocean. This is the most painful experience of my life. I've never felt anything like this before.
Friends?
Buddies?
Best Friends?
BFF?
No...
No...
Nothing like that exists.
Everyone's fake and selfish.
It's all fake.
I don't know how long I cried for. It was only when the janitor came to lock the classroom I realised that I've been crying for a long time. I get up. The bench soaked by my tears looked as if it had doubled in size. I need to pick up, Pinky. She must be waiting for me. I wash my face and force a smile.
I'm alright. Everything's gonna be okay Joan. I tell myself.
That night I cried like a mad person clutching onto my pillow making sure not to make any noise. I don't want to go back to school.
I just wanna die.....
CREATORS' THOUGHTS 
Aami_Fia
Aami_Fia Hey Dear Readers,
This was a tough one to write. I went through this trauma. I just want to tell you guys... don't ever forget or ignore your old friends when you find new ones. It hurts like hell and the hurt will stay forever.
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