Traveler’s Chosen, Book 1 - The Red War

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Jacob_Sarver

This review is gonna have to be split into three parts first as a advid destiny player and lore nerd (part of the beta of D1 been with the game ever since). The second part will be as a writer working on several stories myself including a Destiny related novel. The final might seem harsh but the questions I pose are questions you should ask yourself while writing. Part one: Destiny Ok so the Vex have been on Nessus a long time. I mean the adventures with Failsafe tell us that they've been there over a hundred years. Also remember that the collapse happened before the birth of Gaurdians and after being brought back we lose our memories. Not to say it's impossible to gleam some things but if he's a Gaurdian, Echo is under the Vangaud mandate not to look into his past. Also if he has been a Guardian for as long as the dark ages, why would does he seem surprised by the size of the mess hall? (Just some nerd thoughts) Lastly, remember that the satellites missing was a sudden discovery that happened right before the attack. If they already knew about it why would they hold a banquet instead of preparing for seige. Part 2: Writing Ok, so what's an Exo? What's the difference between a hunter, a titan and a warlock? Remember that when you're writing you need to assume that your readers no nothing about the world you're writing in. Also you need to flesh out your characters. What do they look like, we know Cayde is carefree from his dialog but who is he to your main characters? Why did he personally come to see you, same for our Commander Zavy. Your fireteam banter was great but what do they feel or think or act like while speaking? Every piece of dialog should note some action or convey an emotion otherwise your characters just seem to sit there looking blankly and speaking like a monotoned robot. Part 3: what where why and who Ok, remember how I said to flesh out your characters? Well one character really made me go "huh? But, why would...?" Your exo mechanic. She's never seen an exo? Why would she get the position then who is she and why would she get all hot an bothered after only just meeting Echo? Gotta make sure that your explanation makes sense because otherwise things don't fit and you just get confused. So far you've got good ideas and a decent writing style, and I hope you keep going. I also hope I didn't come across as mean. I like what you have, just thought some constructive criticism was needed. Keep it up!

Hey there! Good day for writing! If you want to see whether you can get paid by distributing the current work or getting financial support by writing new works, you might want to contact rebecca.review@outlook.com. A brief introduction, some sample chapters, or links will be appreciated when reaching out.