As he's gone again, leaving me in this rundown house, alone, and day changed to the night. It's dark and creepy. I could hear the rats squeaking, hissing and chattering. Along with a dog barking, the cat's hissing. I could hear a cracking sound, water dripping. Fuck!
I'm scared. I curled myself on the bed, again, covering myself with the blanket. I covered my ears. Wishing that he come back soon, and without knowing, it's already morning again. I could see sunlight entering through the holes.
Where is he? When will he come back? Did he leave me alone? Like everyone else? Like, mom? Dad? Even Henry. And now him?
Fuck, I shouldn't think about Henry, he's a fucking arse anyway. Fucking shit.
I slowly sat up, my whole body was hurting, I could feel that I'm burning. I sat on the bed, looking outside the window, hoping that he comes back soon. But I have no time to rest. Jade's right. I need a job, at least to live. So I woke up and went to the bathroom, it's disgusting, with a stench smell. The cockroaches? I can't describe it. They keep falling from the ceiling.
I shriek, thinking if I should use this freaking bathroom. But I need to pee.
Surprisingly, the water was still running. If I just clean up a little, it will be decent to use. The water was yellow, maybe due to rusty iron contamination which is oxidized iron. It would be bad for my skin but who cares? But for an abandoned house with running water? Great!
I took a quick shower to freshen up myself and get out of the house, through the back door. We used the back door to enter too. And I started to look for a job that day.
Ignoring the fact that my head felt like it was about to explode, I keep walked in and out of every store. And I think today is my lucky day. I found one, at a small bakery. I can start working tomorrow morning. I feel weird, am I being lucky out of a sudden? Haha.
Thus, I went back home, meeting Jade in the middle of my way. He was crying, panting, anxiously. When he saw me, he falls to his knees, crying even more.
"Where the fuck are you? Do you know how worried I was? Thinking that you might get caught?" he yelled, crying, falling to the ground.
I just smiled at him, "I got a job! I will start working tomorrow morning. What about you?"
He glared at me with teary eyes, sobbing. What a cry baby.
"Don't cry, I was looking for a job. Did you get one?" I crouched in front of him, patting him. "What a crybaby, Jade. I supposed you're the younger brother, huh?"
"I got one too. Sorry, I left you alone. You must be scared. I got a morning shift too. I bought something to eat, a cracker. We ran out of money, so we need to save them. I will get around £ 4 per hour. I will be working for seven hours. So I probably get around two hundred something per week, for my salary. What about you?"
Oh, so we're going to talk about the financials, in the middle of pavement? I sat next to him.
"Same, but I will work for twelve hours, five to four, so £4 times twelve...uh, how many will we get?" I'm a bit slow with mathematics.
"They'll pay you weekly or monthly?" he asked, ready to calculate.
"Weekly."
He stared into the road for a moment, to calculate. "Around £336? I think. And if we combined ours, it will be £549 something, times thirty days, we will get around £16 474 something. That will exclude all of the expenses. Exclude tax...if they minus taxes." he said, still calculating. Do we have to pay tax too? We are a fucking minor and homeless though.
"Is it good or bad?" I asked, since I don't know much, I've never cared about finances until today. I used to be favourite, remember. And even after being left out, I was living under a fine roof. Where they provided a bed, bathroom, clothes, and food. I have nothing to worry about. Until now.
"I don't know. Let's go to the grocery store, check out our needs and prices there. And we need to survey for a rental house or room too. The cheapest that we can rent. We still have some time now. Let's go."
And we went to the nearest grocery store, which took us about thirty minutes by walking. And Jade took out a paper and jotted down everything we needed along with their prices. And we went out and started to search around for the house.
I was under a culture shock. Financial shock? Whatever shock it is, I was shocked. The cheapest was around £1000, at that time, everything else was occupied. Obviously, we are unable to rent them now. So we still look around. Most of them wouldn't let us be the tenant since they think we're a runaway couple. Elope. Whatever they call we are.
It will be a problem if a cop shows up, they said. Since our parents might file a report.
We didn't even bother to say anything back.
Both me and Jade went back home to our rundown house and ate our dinner, some crackers and mineral water. Jade only eats five crackers. I ate about ten.
Jade let me sleep on the bed since I'm pregnant. Giving me the bed, and blanket, while he slept on the floor, covered with his jacket.
And morning come, we went to work.
-------
Today is my first day, my job was simple. Bringing the new baked pieces of bread, cakes, pastries, out and putting them on display. That's all. It's so simple and the owner and her husband are so nice. She kept asking where I lived and why I'm working at an early age, what about the school, and I said I was an orphan. She looked sympathetic.
She asked me where I live now, and I was a bit...honest and naive. I blurted out that I lived inside the rundown house on six streets. She gasped, and kept chanting 'oh lord'. She then offered me to stay with her, in her attic.
"It's fine, madam," I said.
"Oh no, sweetheart. It will be bad for you to stay there. I heard they will demolish that place soon, so they can build the new house. Soon or later, you need to get out. And as an adult, it's hard for me to see a sweet beautiful child, working by herself, living in that rundown house." she said, arranging the bread on the shelves.
The smell of newly baked bread, alluring, making my stomach growling. Lucky me, she didn't hear.
"I and my brother don't have much money to pay you, we will be fine, Madam," I said, and she threw me a sympathetic look again. I smile, hiding my sorrow. Her kindness makes me want to cry.
"It's fine, don't worry about the payment. Just stay there, we will prepare the foods for you too," she said. And I'm a bit embarrassed. Pride and ego, plus trust issues keep fighting and screaming inside my head.
Don't trust kindness. Look at you now. The last time you accepted the kindness, and you were betrayed by it, and what happened to you?
"I…" I stammered. Don't know how I should refuse her.
"We will reduce the rental fee from your salary. And for the food, we will give you the leftover bread or whatever we could give you, as a charity. It's our selfish decision, please accept it, Maddison. We were adults, and as adults, it would hurt our pride to keep our eyes shut, and let you be without any help. Call us selfish, but please accept it." her husband interrupted, bring the new tray of pastries, for me to put them on display.
"Please rethink about it, sweetheart," she said. And before I clocked off, they gave me a few leftovers to bring home. I couldn't hide how touched I am by their kindness.
And at least, I can feed Jade with these. He must be hungry. I felt like crying, I'm so happy!
I ran home, couldn't wait to give these to Jade. And when I'm home, Jade was cleaning his bedroom, to make it more decent. I gave him the paper bag, and he cried because he was too hungry, he gobbles down the bread and stops in the middle, and he put the bread inside the paper bag again. When I asked him why he replied with the most unexpected answer.
For dinner and breakfast, he said, and maybe for lunch and dinner for tomorrow too. He said, I'm lucky today, but the chances to get the leftovers again are slim.
I told Jade about my employer's offer and his eyes widened. He grabbed my shoulder and said with a very certain voice.
"Accept it, Maddie. Maybe we can stay there for a few months, not forever. Anywhere is better than here. Plus you're pregnant. You need a better place to stay, a new place, a new environment. I already did some calculations, we just need about three to four months, as long as we keep saving our money, we can rent the house for the two of us. The one-bedroom, one bathroom, and kitchen house. It's okay for the two of us, I've checked the rent, around £800, and the owner gave a discount, to £540 a month. He said he will charge us around £760 when we turn eighteen. But since we're minors, he will ask us to pay £540 a month, including the utility bills. But it's just the house though, no furniture or anything."
I nodded. I don't know if that's good but okay.
"If you accept the offer, we can save a little bit more. As for the food, if they gave us the leftovers, I think we could have saved the food for a few days. Max three to four days. But maybe it can last for a week." he said. "At least we won't be homeless. Don't you think we're kinda lucky? People hired us without a resume. Someone offered us a house. At least, at the very least, Maddie."
"Really?" I asked him, clueless. "Should I?"
"Yeah! Trust me, I will handle the finances! You just accepted the offer. Okay?"
Thus, I accepted the offer the next day, Mrs Johnson said we can move in today after I clocked off. She even asked Mr Johson to show the room, since we're out for delivery. It's quite big and close enough to go to work. But a bit far away for Jade to go to his work.
"It's not big enough, but I think it's okay for you and your brother to stay here. Right?" he said, opening the window. "The attic has the best light, and you can do laundry downstairs. If you feel bad using the washing machine, you can work overtime for one hour. We will let you use the washing machine, kitchen if you want to cook. As for the utility bill, don't worry about that. You can hang your clothes here." he said, showing three laundry strings after the window.
"Here is the bathroom." He shows the bathroom. Nice! "We don't have the bed here yet, but I will put in some bed soon, is it okay if I put only a single bed? It's quite big for two people. I'll give you a duvet, in case your brother or you want to sleep on the floor. It's quite thick."
"It's more than much, Mr Johnson," I said. He just give me a faint smile.
"We used to have a daughter, she was two years older than you. She always dreamt of having a room in the attic, but we lost her three years ago. Leukaemia." he said, with a fake laugh. "I think Maya saw her in you? She always missed that girl. And you are much younger than our daughter."
I just listen and don't know what to say.
"So don't worry too much, we know that you are having a hard time believing people, strangers at most, therefore I told you that we will reduce some of your salaries. I could see in your eyes, your pride and you're on your guard. Maybe because you don't have any adults to lean on. Therefore, as an adult, let me and Maya help you. This is our selfish wish. Just stay here until you really afford to move out. I know you won't stay here for a long time." He said.
Maybe because he looks genuine, I'm somehow relieved.
And what the heck! Is this the time where my luck started to shine?
Good lucks somehow scares me.
That night, we slept comfortably, with our clean bedding and room. No squeaking sounds. With a clean room, warm, clean water, food. The luck seems like gold, if you get too much gold, someone will rob you. If you get too much luck, something with happened that will be ripped out of your luck and replace with misfortune. And like I said, nothing comes in handy in my life. I get a nightmare Not something news, I always get a nightmare when we're at the orphanage. But that night, it's a bit intense.
Dad's hanging, mom's screaming, dad's crying, my heart's bleeding. The orphanage is burning, Henry is laughing, he comes at me, people's laughing, squeaking noises, me laughing, cold and I lost in those chaotic dreams.
And since that day, I can't sleep. And I find myself, staring at my father's last letter. Unable to opened or read it.
A week has passed, and we received our first salary. As the Johnsons said, they did cut some from my salary, around £40 for the room and utilities. And food.
Who am I to complain? I am grateful. Jade received a clean wage for him, and we both saved our money for our first home.
Since we're getting embarrassed at receiving food, we keep saving the leftovers we received, most of the bread in our fridge. We refused to accept more. And the Johnson's respected our decision. Sometimes, they get mouldy but whatever, we're going to eat it anyway.
And three months have passed, my stomach started to show more. And Jade's now slimmer. He's getting taller too. His voice changed. Puberty. So Jade told me to wear his old shirt, to hide my stomach.
We worried that the Johnsons would misunderstand since they think we are siblings by blood. We are siblings, but people talk. It's a bit annoying. I'm lucky I don't have morning sickness but I do have cravings that I can't satisfy.
Jade is now working two jobs, as a newspaper boy, and at a convenience store. From five in the morning to twelve, throwing the newspaper, four in the evening to three in the morning. The cycle repeated.
Jade get around £2000 something from the convenience store, they paid twice a month, half. Four hundred in the first two weeks, and another four hundred at the end of the week. Something like that.
Which helps us save even more. And the next month, we finally were able to rent a house with Mr Xavier. Since he gave discounts. Unfurnished house, one bedroom, one bathroom and one kitchen. It's nice though.
The Johnsons helped us to move out, giving us some food, the one door fridge from the attic, the duvet and blanket. Two pillows, we refused to receive more. We were such a burden to them.
Pride. That's what they said. Both me and Jade have too much pride to receive their kindness.
But it's not pride. Sometimes, kindness is the worst thing that we ever received. And when we are used to kindness, we will start to trust people. And nothing good coming from the trust. Betrayal does.
The new house was great, the walls were thin, we could hear everything. A bit shocking, and triggering. For both of us since our neighbour next door banging each other. After a few weeks living there, we finally found out that our neighbour next door is a host at a nightclub, sometimes he brings his clients home.
The first week, it's triggering. To just listen to them, it's triggering. The second week. It's haunting. The memory. It's haunting me. The third week. My nightmare is getting worse. It's hard to breathe.
The fourth week. I can't sleep at night. At all. Jade's working the night shift most of the time. It's easier. He said. But as for me, it makes me...lonely. In the house by myself, listening to things that remind me of the past. It's triggering.
The fifth week. I'm tired of hearing them, sometimes I find myself on the bathroom floor, sleeping. Jade was shocked when he went back home at three in the morning since he couldn't find me. We have the first fight that day. I said I don't want to stay by myself at home, especially at night. But he said I have to. The night shift got paid more.
Money is everything.
The sixth week. Jade's getting overprotective, he went to the next door and banged the door, asked them to shut the fuck up. He has a bit of a hot temper now. And whenever he's home and saw me sleeping in the bathroom, he would trample our neighbour and fight. He's lucky, that our neighbour didn't file a report. He couldn't.
The seven-week. I'm too tired to even think, I can't sleep, I have no appetite to eat. Nightmare's just overwhelming. Jade's working day and night, while I only work five to four. And he worked two jobs, morning to morning. Only able to rest from twelve to three in the evening every day. Guilt started to build up. Pressure rising up. I feel like I am at the edge of the cliff. I can't move, I can't do anything.
I'm craving. And I can't even get what I want. I sat on the floor, thinking.
What am I doing right now?
I can feel my baby kicking, it's hurt. Yes, it's kicking now, I'm officially pregnant for five months and two weeks. I never knew that being pregnant can be hurtful and painful. My back is aching, I keep peeing, and when the baby kicks, it's hurt. I can only sleep on my side, it'll be easier to get up if I do so. I can't stand for too long or my feet will start to swell. I get tired, hungry, and emotionally drained easily.
I rubbed my growing belly softly. It's showing now. Khai. That's what I chose. To name the baby. In Arabic, it means the chosen one. My chosen one. My strength. I know, I used to say that I won't love the baby. I don't think I'm going to love it. But, when he the baby started to kick, I just feel...weird. There is some soul living inside me. A human being. I carried a human being. And I found it, astonishing. It's hard, to be pregnant, but it's weird too. I always find myself, rubbing my own belly, talking, humming, singing, smiling and chuckling.
I know this baby is his too. But...no matter how much I hate him, and no matter how much I hate myself, or no matter how much I hate the fact I am pregnant, the baby...it's not the baby's fault. This baby deserves love.
Love that I didn't receive. Love that I didn't get. Love that I've never experienced.
I will give this baby the most beautiful childhood, the love it deserves, no matter what gender it would be, or who the baby takes after. I will give the baby, things that I never have before.
"I'm sorry, baby. Mommy can't give you what you want now. Mommy needs to save some money so your future will be secured. But, I promised you, I will give you the best life! Your uncle will give you the best love too as mommy did. Be a little patient, just a little more."
The baby kicked as if understand what I said. I laughed. So cute!
I jumped a bit when I heard the door clicking, and Jade opened the door and locked them. Looked at me with a frown.
"They fucked again?" he asked, glancing at the wall. I shake my head and smile. Or he will make another ruckus with our neighbour. He dropped his bag and walked to the kitchen for a glass of water. "You can't sleep? Craving? Perhaps?"
"Hm...I can't sleep because Khai's kicking," I said, laughing.
"A bit active, huh?" he laughed, slowly walked to me. "Did you have anything you wanted to eat? I got my salary today, I can buy you something if you want to," he asked.
"Hmm, nothing." I want some raspberries.
"I got a new job. At the shoe factory," he said, lying on the floor. I frowned. What the…another one?
"You already have jobs, Jade."
"Yeah. And we need some more for your day, For you when it's time to give birth. We need some more money."
"Your schedule is already packed, dimwit," I said, slapping his knees. "Look at you! All skinny already, Jade. Don't be too harsh on yourself."
"We need to buy a bed for you, Maddie. At least, one bed. Day by day, your fucking stomach getting bigger. Soon enough, you have to take a long leave, probably quit your job. I know what I'm doing." he said, harshly. "And just tell me what you want to eat, I'll buy it for you. Don't hold back!"
Our conversation ended there. We will turn sixteen soon, I know he's right. But I felt like I'm a burden. He fall asleep soon after, tired of all his hard work.
As for me, it was another sleepless night. Not because Khai's kicking, because of the nightmares. Again.
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