Chapter 37: Chapter 35: Cowardly Love
Jordan's POV
"Hey, uh it's me. I just wanted to hear your voice, say hi, you know? I hope you had fun skiing and I can't wait to see you tomorrow. I really miss you, call me later? I love you."
That's the sixth time I've listened to her voicemail since I woke up this morning. She's probably just getting out of first period right now. She's probably confused as to why I'm not there. I'm such an asshole. I think back to my conversation with Dominic, just the night before Rhea and I called each other to open our gifts. Smug bastard made me want to put my fist through the wall.
"See it's really simple Jordan... I know your girlfriend is currently being used as a punching bag by her dad. The fact that she's still there and taking it tells me she doesn't want anyone to know. Either you dump her, or I tell the world, I'll turn her life upside down and inside out. And if that's not enough for you, I could always get people to think you're just as abusive as good old daddy. Think about it, let me know what you decide."
I've been laying in bed all day thinking about how I have to rip her heart out. She's always been terrified of someone finding out about her dad and taking her away from everything, I can't let that happen. It's my job to protect her, and right now I don't see any other way. I don't know how I'm going to face her, that's why I'm not at school. I told mom I had jet lag and needed the day to readjust, but that only buys me today. I don't want to embarrass her at school, and I won't distract her at work. I can't go to her house, and it'd be a dick move to make her come here just to leave.
How the hell am I supposed to stand in front of her and break her heart after everything? After all the times I've come to her rescue, every time I told her I love her, after... Everything.
I lay on my bed and watch the hours tick by, going through her classes in my head. She's getting out of history and going to lunch right now, and I'm not there to kiss those sweet little lips. I don't know how I'll get by without getting to kiss her every day.
Fuck this. Jumping off my bed I march down to my dad's den and open his beer fridge. It gets restocked every week so I doubt he'll notice me going into it, he also barely ever drinks so it's not like it matters.
I pull out a bottle and the bottle opener, not waiting a second to open it and drink the vile piss in the bottle. I've always hated beer and I know it'll kill her to see me drunk, but I know I can't do this sober. The more I drink the more I think, the only way I can do this is to hurt her, and as much as possible. If I don't, she'll try to come back and I know I wouldn't be able to resist.
One by one the bottles empty. I watch the clock as time slips by. My mind fills with thoughts and images of her looking for me, those beautiful grey eyes just searching, filled with confusion. She probably was pouting in science when she saw I wasn't there, god I'll miss that pout and the way it could bring me to my knees. I'll miss her.
Nothing will ever compare to her, she was more than I'd ever deserve. She was so strong, bearing the weight of everything she's been through but still managing to be beautiful, happy, and innocent. Nothing will compare to how perfect and delicate she was, one of the greatest feelings in the world was her in my bed pressed against me, I'd give anything to run my hands over her skin right now.
Another bottle.
She's at work by now, I look over to my desk and stare at the picture of us from Winter Formal. My mom cried when she saw the pictures, saying that no two people look at each other like that and don't love each other. She was sure I'd found the one, even as young as we are, she was sure. I think she'll be just as heartbroken as me when she finds out I'm breaking up with Rhea.
I'm starting to feel the effects of the alcohol, it's an alien feeling, one I've never liked but I need liquid courage for this.
Pulling out my phone I stop and stare at my lock screen, I made it the picture of Rhea from when we looked at lights. She looks magical with how the lights make her shine and sparkle.
I pull myself from my daze and text her, "Meet me at the park from our first date at six thirty."
Her response comes in only a couple minutes later.
"Ok... I've missed you this past week."
I debate telling her how much I love her and how much I thought about her, but the thought quickly disappears. Breaking up will be a lot harder if I tell her that.
Another bottle. I count nine so far, at least now I don't really taste it. I sit and listen to Rhea's voicemails again, just desperate to hear her voice, and hear it happy before I have to basically destroy her. I wait until five o'clock and call myself an Uber, I may be a jerk and a coward but I'm not stupid enough to drive drunk. I drink another bottle and a half while I wait.
The drive is silent but I keep catching the driver giving me funny glances. I hate ride share apps, the drivers are either going to talk your ear off or stare at you in silence. It makes an hour drive feel like a week. My head feels light and I feel my stomach twist as I see the park. I give the driver a small thank you as I get out.
I have almost half an hour before she's supposed to show up, so I walk over to the tree where I first kissed her, god that night was amazing. I've never had such an amazing kiss, she tastes like cherries and white chocolate. I used to hate white chocolate. Her lips are always so soft and her hair feels like a million little clouds on my fingers. I drag my nails down the tree, I'd give anything to go back to that night, to just hold her in my arms and never let go.
I can't do this, I can't hurt her like this. I can't and I won't live without her. Every fiber of my being is telling to walk away, call her and apologize. Every ounce of self control is being spent on not running out of here right now and going to tell her everything that's happened. I should tell her, I should tell her everything that's happened and get on my knees to beg for forgiveness.
My thoughts fade as I hear footsteps behind me, I see her out of the corner of my eye before she pulls me close. Her lips press hard against mine, and the second they do I feel her get tense. She looks confused and scared when she pulls away.
She takes a few steps back and wipes the taste of my mouth of her lips with her thumb, "Have you been drinking?"
My shoulders are heavy as I force a bored shrug, my heart breaks when I see she's wearing the sweater my mom got her, it hurts even more that it looks amazing on her, "You're wearing that."
"Jordan why have you been drinking? Did you drive here?" She sounds uncomfortable, I watch her shift her weight from one foot to the other.
I lose my footing for a moment as I try to bury a chuckle, "I took an Uber, relax," I hate how harsh I sound now.
"Please tell me what's going on..." Fear fills her voice, I can't look at her. I know that all I'll see is pain, "You won't look at me, why won't you look at me."
"I don't think we should do this anymore," I tell myself to make this hurt, make it hurt so she won't come back, I have to rip out her heart, "It was fun and all but it's just... It's time. I'm not looking to take the fall because you're too fucking scared to save yourself from your jackass father. I didn't sign up for that and I can't keep dealing with your baggage."
I glance up and see her eyes fill with tears, "What are you talking about?"
I bite down on my tongue until I taste blood, I can't tell her the truth, I have to hurt her and it makes me sick, "I'm breaking up with you, I'm done."
"Done? After everything you promised, after everything you've been there for me through, that's all you have to say? That you're done!" She sounds horrified, angry.
I feel sick. Her stare is killing me, the words I've been using are suffocating both of. I sit down on the swing and look away, feeling disgusted with myself, "Yep, pretty much. We're done, Rhea."
Even without looking at her I can feel everything her gaze is saying. Anger, betrayal, hurt, it's all there. I can't take it anymore, any longer and I'll break. I get up to leave, taking a few steps past her before I feel her tiny fits appear out of nowhere. She nearly knocks me down and all I can think is, she's stronger than I thought, and I deserve this. I can hear her crying as she pushes me with all her might.
"I should have known you were a liar, you piece of shit!" Her words are like venom, slowly killing me from the inside out, I look at her for only a second and see just how much anger and hatred are written on her face, even in the dark I can see her cheeks are flaming red, her lips in a sneer as she yells, "You're a coward! The second things get tough you run, at least I've toughed it out all these years, I didn't run and hide! I hate you, I hate you and all those lies and dreams you put in my head! You're a coward, you couldn't even be honest with me and be sober to break up with me! You're a coward..." I hear the tears as she stumbles back a few steps.
I look at her, taking in the pain I've caused her. This is all my fault, I should have fought Dominic, I should fight him, but what good would that do her. There's only one thing I'm sure of.
I feel my lips betray me and show a pathetic smile, "You're right."
I can't stay. I have to leave, the longer I look at her the more I want to kiss her until we run out of air. I pull out my phone to call another Uber and walk away, leaving her in a pile of the pieces of our shattered hearts.
My car arrives quickly, and I watch her fade behind me as I drive away. The pain on her face is burned into my brain, desperately I pull out my phone and look at the picture of her with the Christmas lights. The pained look never leaves my mind, but at least I can still remember her being happy.
I stare at the picture the entire way home. I stare at it as I climb the stairs and go to my room. I fall asleep looking at her smile, knowing I took it away and I might never get to see it again.
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