Chapter 71: Chapter 66: The Lapses
[For some reasons, all the places I have visited before doesn't look the same anymore…]
[the rooftop…]
[the stairs…]
[our classroom…]
[even my way back home feels different.]
[My heart is so happy….. I don't know why, but my heart feels like it'll beat itself out of my chest.]
[everything looks so colorful- like my eyes become teary every time because of the happiness I have inside of me.]
[it's weird]
[being happy is weird]
[especially for a person like me- who was depressed all my life.]
[I am happy and all.. but why do I feel that I don't want this happiness? I want this happiness to go away from me because my heart and soul tells me that this sensation I feel inside myself isn't good.]
[did I find contentment in the darkness for me to not to want to be happy? Because if so, it will explain a lot of things.]
[but what's wrong with being this happy? I have suffered all my life so why does my heart want to reject this happiness?]
[it's suffocating me]
[take this away from me.. I can't breathe…. I can't breathe… help me…]
______________
"Hope! Come down! Let's eat!" the voice of her grandmother cut her thoughts. She decided to go to them in no time- but it was like her instincts brought herself on her window and looked at the abandoned house beside them. For some reasons, the window of the house felt like a home to her that she always wanted to go to, but she can't.
"Hiraeth. A feeling of homesickness to a home that never was." She mumbled to herself and left her window and looked into the huge mirror on the door of her wooden cabinet. "Joy, you shouldn't be like this. You are the sun of your grandmother and brother so smile and be happy. You can't present yourself like this to them. Cheer up. Okay?" she told herself as she combed her hair and tried to fake a smile. However, the thick black notebook on her desk caught her attention as she saw it on her peripheral vision through the mirror.
She approached her table and reached for the notebook that was under the books she read before. She remembered what it was- a diary given to her by her late mother on the last birthday she spent with her, which was 3 years ago. As she was about to reach for it,
"HOPE JOY! I'VE BEEN CALLING YOU. LET'S EAT NOW!"
"S-sorry Nana! I'm coming!"
She ran down as fast as she could because her grandmother seems calm and collected but when she gets mad, she is dangerous and scary. She hurried down and saw all her grandmother's favorite vegetables on their table.
"It's your exam tomorrow and I know that you won't study so I prepared vegetables so you can pull anything from your brain tomorrow." She said and invited her to sit beside her. "Hey Ray, is it delicious, honey?"
"Yesh. Iwts dewishus." He said as he ate the vegetables. Joy chuckled because of his cuteness and Josephine wiped his mouth.
"It looks tasty Nana…" she smiled at her and ate. "It's yummy!"
Once again, a weird sensation made Joy's heart beat faster, and it caused her to hold onto it because it felt like it was wilding.
"What's the matter Hope?" Josephine asked her and held her hand.
"Happiness seems painful to me." Joy smiled and looked at her grandmother to tell he that she was okay.
"Happiness is beautiful, just ignore that and enjoy the happiness you are feeling right now." Josephine said and smiled warmly at her. Joy felt it again- the feeling of longing for her grandmother- the feeling that she will leave her like some people did to her-
But her heart felt happy.
[weird]
"I am actually worried about my competition at the top Nana, and I've ate enough. Thank you for the meal. I have to study now because it's for our finals…." Joy said and stood up.
"Make sure you study well then. I'll be waiting for your medal again, I guess." Josephine smiled.
"Good night… Let's see each other again tomorrow." Ray said and ate a huge chunk of boiled potato.
"Good night as well, Ray." Joy kissed her brother in his forehead and headed to her room. As soon as she reached her room, she immediately went to her table and sat. she reached for the notebook and read the things she wrote on the cover- it was a calligraphy of her name- Hope and Joy.
She opened the pages of her diary and read. The first half of the notebook was filled, but a certain entry piqued her interest.
"June 13, 2046
My day started nice- it was the first day of school and Mari and I saw each other on the way to school. However, the moment I held her hands, I discovered that she had been hiding the cuts she acquired from herself.
I was devastated to know that. I hate myself for not noticing that she was suffering. I don't deserve to be called her best friend. Speaking of which, I wished to help people overcome their sadness and then"
That was the end of her entry. She was confused and she browsed her diary once more and found nothing but dates and empty entries.
"What was I doing all this time?" she asked herself and looked thoroughly at the diary in her hands. "What did I write here about?"
She thought of it for some time, but she can't get herself an answer because she can't figure out anything at that moment for all the feelings she has inside her was mixing in.
"The embers… they are dying." Someone who was looking at the window of Joy from outside whispered at himself. "It won't take much time until his embers are completely gone. I pity you, Joy. You are such a nice person and to think that you have to suffer like this makes me so sad."
He started to walk away from their gate and went home. However, Joy was troubled because everything doesn't make sense to her at all.
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