Chapter 37: Chapter 34: Fallon
Joy sneaked into their classroom with Fallon before her- the both of them did not talk as they ran towards their classroom because of the tension that had been built between them ever since the term rivalry was coined by some people. Joy felt the sting of her wound because she snatched the blade from Fallon's arms and it intensified because she wasn't able to go to the clinic and mend it and being in this class meant that she had to endure it for 2 hours. Her hand was bleeding but not badly, however, the cut was huge enough to cover her right palm and it was deep. It wasn't much of a problem to her because she's an ambidextrous but the pain in her hands stinged. She knew Light's eyes are on her as she walked inside but she did not dare look at him because Fallon might get mad again.
"Joy, how'd it go?" Cammy asked as she approached her from his seat.
"She really is mad at me" Joy replied and looked at her hands and applied pressure to it through her scarf. Light saw the bleeding cut and stood up. All of the people inside the room was startled because of the sound that his chair made as it was knocked down.
"Sir... She's bleeding." Light said and pointed at her hands which she hid under the table. Their teacher approached her and looked...
"Go to the clinic now. Mari, take her." the teacher said and Mari stood up and took her away. She tried to protest but she heard Light's voice inside her head - like she did when she saved Mari.
"Don't protest. Just go... Please." he said. She looked back at him and saw genuine concern at his eyes. The more she looked at him, the more she wants to be with him - it was as if she found something she had been searching for all her life. At long last, she turned away and thought hard of Light receiving her message.
"Let her be. I'll be the one who saves her."
Light smiled. He got the message.
"What happened to you Joy?" Mari asked her as she looked at her bloody hands. "That's a deep one. Why cut yourself at school? No- why'd you cut yourself at all?"
"I didn't. I followed Fallon at the CR and snatched the blade from her" Joy answered.
"Is that so? Being selfless really is dangerous. I understand that you are kind and you wanted to help but can you please be more careful?" Mari nagged and gave Joy a friendly pat. They reached the clinic at last.
"You can go now- you can't miss class -"
"Shut up you- you are more important than the class. Besides, Nick's there. He takes notes for me every time I don't attend classes."
"Really? I thought he hated taking notes". Joy said as the nurse told her to sit down in the chair and wait for the doctor Bavaria she was treating another patient.
"He does! That guy. However, he always gives me notes every time I'm not able to be around him."
Joy had her wound treated by the doctor who was surprised to see her. The doctor was one of their neighbors. She was pretty old and retired after many years of serving at the hospital so she can teach at their school. They had been running now because they can still catch up to the class because they still have an hour and a half to spend. When they entered the class [of course with the permission of their teacher], Nick handed Mari papers - and she winked at him as he acted like he was shot at the heart. Mari smiled at him and left. Nick was also attentive to the class and Nathan was domineering the graded recitation. Fallon looks like she doesn't even care and it's alarming- because knowing how grade conscious she was, she sure is quiet for a graded recitation. Joy was so worried because the clock that was in her necklace was still there--not ticking at all. Cammy hurried beside her and checked her wound. He was busy lately-- making fun of their classmates but Joy can tell that he is bored.
"Fallon sure hates you." Cammy said while Nathan from the background was reciting. "The look on her face when she saw you bleeding was scary. It was like she wanted to see more blood."
"Don't say that." Joy whispered at Cammy. He just left without a word to make fun of their other classmates. She pondered what she'd do and she realized something- maybe Fallon never realized that she also looked at her as a worthy rival. She looked at Fallon who was looking at the windows beside her. She knows that Fallon'll see her in her peripheral vision- she placed her unused notebook at her table and got a blue ballpen and started taking notes. Fallon saw it, of course and she was reminded about their rivalry. She's the kind of person who doesn't want to lose. Fallon was starting to recite now and Joy would recite after her. Nathan was also keeping up but he noticed that the two of them are really taking each other seriously. It was his first time seeing Joy get serious in a class- not that she was just chilling around but she actually looked uninterested in the class every time he looked at her [which is also every time]. But he is also a person who does not want to lose his spotlight. He continued to recite as well and the other two treated him as one of their aspiring rivals.
The whole rivalry had made the class attentive too- they all tried to recite but Light just relaxed on his seat. He was thinking.
And then the bell rang. Everyone thought that they had the best lecture of their lives.
Light looked at his necklace and sighed. The hands of the clock was still there- and Fallon's image was still on the necklace but he was sure that she should've felt something when Hope took her seriously at the class a while ago. It should've changed the time or erased it- but it was still there. He looked at Hope's hand which was covered in bandages- and he felt bad because he wasn't able to do anything and now she was planning to take on Fallon alone. He can sense terrible darkness in Fallon and he knew that it was a bad idea to let her do that- but it was all for the best.
What happened a while ago was a complete surprise for Light. He had been drawn to her the moment he first saw her and tried so hard not to fall- and with what happened, it looks like he have to suppress himself until his mission succeeds.
His mission... The moment he succeeds--that will mean-
"Fallon's leaving." Joy said and took her bag. "I have to go follow her."
Light wanted to keep her next to him that he hated his mission because it hindered him from her. It hurt him to see Joy's back as she left. He felt like he was being abandoned again so he took his bag and followed her.
"I'd appreciate it if you stay out of this mission." Joy told him. She wasn't surprised to see Light from her back but she did not look back because she's afraid to lose sight of Fallon.
"I understand."
The unusual warm words from Light startled her and caused her to look at him. He still wore the scarf she gave him in the morning - and he really liked good on it. Light's cheeks were still reddish but Joy supposed it was because of the coldness. From his back appeared Cammy who looked very interested in the mission. He was once Fallon's rival and seeing her in that state concerned him because he didn't want her to suffer the same fate that he faced.
They stopped on the wooden bridge after about an hour of tailing Fallon. Joy, Cammy and Light hid under the huge tree near it and observed her as she just stood there, trying to breathe air. She removed her scarf that was around her neck and hugged it tightly as if she was cradling a baby and whispered at it. "There are some times that i want to kill myself but i want to live long. There are also times that I want to live, but inside me I'm dead." the three hiding on the tree heard frail sobs from where they stood and both of them looked down- they are not very far from her and the sadness that she felt was too strong that they felt it too.
" There are memories that i want to remove, but the more i try, the more I fail. I am in constant pain and it never leaves me alone. The pain is already a chasm in my heart, a scar left behind by my darkest fears and pains, one that will never disappear. It will forever lurk deep into my heart and my very existence... " Fallon said and hugged the scarf even tighter than before.
" I am alone in this world, i am without a companion, even if there are people around me, I'd still feel alone.. I'm left behind with nowhere to go.
"My thoughts is a dark place, nowhere is safe for me. I want to end this.
" Is this still suicide if i am already dead inside?"
________
Fallon was diagnosed having depression 2 years ago and she treated that like having a disability. It restricted her in everything she did and it gave her limits as well as torrential pain. She became too hard on herself and others.
"i know it is a common disease--that's what people say, but once you have it, you will have to deal with countless agonies and unexplainable pain. Depression is not just a mere sadness, or a lack of reason to be happy. It is way deeper than people think. It is a prison I have inside of myself that I can never escape no matter how hard I try. It is too dark in this cell I have in my mind. It is unexplainable, unfathomable, and indescribable" she looked at the bridge one last time but the yellow flowers caught her attention. It reminded her of a certain set of eyes that she adored- so she went to picked it up and placed it on her left ear. She left the bridge and the three followed.
Fallon stopped by a candy shop owned by an old lady in the first street after passing the gate of their school. She bought one big fluffy cotton candy but did not come out immediately. She looked at the old lady with such longing, as if wanting to stay longer, but the old lady's companion who just went out shooed her away, probably threatened by her presence that was too strong and frightening.
[Meanwhile, as she stood in front of their family's small candy shop, sadness poked her hard- seeing how her grandmother smiled like she was some kind of a person she'd been waiting for.
"Good evening Miss. How may I help you?" she smiled and Fallon saw their striking resemblance with each other. They had the same straight hair, pointed nose, thin red lips black irises and well-defined jawline. Many people said that she looked like her when she was young and she confirmed it when she looked at the pictures her grandma adored.
However, she wasn't waiting for her granddaughter. She was waiting for a customer.
"Are you okay Miss?" she asked her. Fallon did not realize that she had been staring at her for quite some time now.
"Y-yes I am fine. Please give me some cotton candy." she said, still looking at her. She immediately gave her a big one and upon paying it, she planned to leave but seeing her made her more sad that she wanted to hug her and cry to her- just like before when she will remembers her, but now she's just a stranger to her eyes- and no memory of her was left in her grandma. Her grandmother has Dementia- she does not recognize anyone anymore, including her, her own granddaughter.
'This is what I will be leaving behind. I will never see her smile again. I will never again eat her cooked food that I really love. I will never be able to see the day when she finally remembers me.' She thought to herself. "I want to tell you something, grandma."
She faced her, smiling wide. She had always been a welcoming home to a Fallon and that scenery--that very moment of the weak smile her grandmother showed her made her cry.
"Every memory we ever had- I will bring them everywhere, so even if you forget them, i can store them deep into my heart. I'm sorry I left you because my patience has always been so short" she saw how her expression changed from smiling to seriously sad.
"I-i miss you grandma... I hope you'll remember me soon- after I'm gone.
"But I wish you can remember me as a happy memory and I hope you live long.
" I am feeling sad because the more I talk, the more I speak, the less you would hear.
"no... You hear but you won't remember.
" grandma, i love you very much. I'm sorry for leaving you so early. " she hugged the scarf she was still holding close to herself as she cried
'I have become a poison to people's hearts, and there is chaos in my soul so I have decided to end everything now.' She thought because she didn't want to scare her away by telling her the scary thought running inside her.
"I will remember you till my very last breath." she cried until she can no longer speak- but her grandmother touched her hands as if caressing her soul with love and hope she wish she had known.
"I don't know who you are but everything will be alright. Time will come that you will realize how strong you have become because of all these years of hardship. Hang on tight young lady." she smiled. She was supposed to say something when her scary-looking Aunt Virginia--who also looked exactly like them came out of nowhere, looking at Fallon like she is some carcass standing in front of her.
" I believe you should not be here, Fallon. " she said with a cold tone.]
"Goodbye grandma, aunt." She looked at her grandma and tried to smile for her. She left as soon as she waved goodbye - having with her such a big burden in her heart of not being able to make her grandma feel so happy with her around. Fallon started walking in the sidewalk, probably heading to the park. Light, Joy and Cammy walked side by side to make sure that'll never lose her as she strided through the crowd.
Upon enterring the gates of Atrium Park, a botanical garden turned into park located in the left side of the lake, she started eating her cotton candy and seemed to be so sad. A moment later, they heard her sobbing as she hugged herself in desperation and in melancholy.
"I hate myself" she murmered at herself at hugged herself tighter.
The three of them exchanged glances as they saw her breakdown. Her crying was as if her heart was being ripped out of her chest and is being shattered into tiny pieces.
"Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop." she continued- rattling and shaking out of control.
"Her thoughts are too dark." Light explained.
"I'll help her. Now!" Joy panicked but she still managed to whisper.
"No, Hope. We should wait. We can't help her until we know where she is coming from."
"What if our help becomes too late?"
He looked at her straight into the eyes as if sending her something soothing until calmness settled on her spirit.
"You have to trust me, Hope. You have to trust us." he said. Us.
"I trust you, Light."
"I trust you too.". He replied.
'There's something inside me that engulfs my entire humanity- now, it feels like I don't know myself anymore. I am not the same Fallon Bane that I was years ago. I miss being myself. I can't feel anything. I'm numb. All i ever wanted is to become happy, and that is all I long for in this life of mine.But everything I want- will never happen because I lost all my hope and salvation. I hate humanity and how they treated me. I hate all the stereotypes and the stigmas- the standards they have established. I tried to save myself but humans killed my hope, they drove me into this dark corner, and isolated me from the world so I will feel alone and sad.
"And today, officially, is when I meet my end so all the pain and suffering will vanish.
" And to finally experience peace.
"If there is a God above, he wouldn't let me be damned. He wouldn't let me feel alone. He wouldn't leave me behind.' she thought as she cried - but she still stood up despite her unpleasant posture because she thought that before she ends everything, she should make sure to meet everyone she'd ever loved in her life.
________
She went to the park and watched the lake as it sparkled with the sunset, looked above to appreciate the sky, and breathed hard for the last time.
"And yes, I am ending this.." she told herself.
_______
Fallon went straight to their home and found her father sitting on the sofa he brought after her mother died, and ever since, he has been away doing business in various places, so Fallon was left with her second wife whom he never loved.
"Fallon." he called as she approached him while he lit his cigarette.
"Papa..." her tears almost bursted as he looked at her, so cold and so scornful- as if pouring salt on her already painful scar.
"I saw your grades and your ranking- I was informed you are number 2 and your class had good transferees." he said calmly.
"Yes papa, I'm number 2. I-"
" Not enough. I told you to be number one but you always get defeated by Joy!" He threw his glass in her feet which instantly broke, and it gave her skin a cut that dripped down.
"I'm sorry papa"
"No. You are not doing your best." he said.
'If he only knew how much I work hard and how much I put my very soul into everything - I almost never sleep just to study. I have been skipping meals! I don't even have friends because I am too busy. This pressure my family has been putting on me is very heavy as I cannot meet their standards, they are so high, that i can never reach ' she wanted to tell him that but she never wanted to hurt him.
"I'm sorry papa..."
Then her vision blurred. And there it is, the tears she had been fighting off. The tears of pressure, pain, disgust, and everything she ever felt about herself and the world. She ran to her room not minding her father's reaction. Fallon's mind is too busy thinking and she doesn't have time to think about him. She changed her clothes and went outside- towards the lake.
The three ran as fast as they could to catch her as she ran towards the lake. Everything is so pristine to them now- why she hates Joy, why she has no friends, and especially why she hates her life.
This cruel life has been terrible to her. But she can't die.
She can't.
She is crying while running so fast regardless of the stumbles she got, as well as tripping over her knees. Joy hate seeing her like this.
She approached the barricade near the lake and she sat there, crying so alone and painful, as if the pain in all the world is on her.
"I don't want to live anymore! I hate this life! Why do I have to be sad every single fucking day?! Why?!
'I know. I understand you.' Joy thought.
" I just want to be happy! I just want to be me, without comparing myself to others,
'I'm sorry they are comparing you to me...'
"I am living a life that is dictated by other people! I am so tired of this! I want a life I can lead!
" I hate this life! I hate me!
"I. Hate. Me."
She cried so hard and Joy wanted to hug her but she knew that once she noticed them tailing her - she would freak out and leave. Fallon hugged herself in desperation and in pain she has been carrying off alone all these years. She had nowhere to go, and Joy blamed herself because she was not able to do anything.
"God, forgive me.... I'm sorry."
As soon as she said those things, she cut her wrist so she'll bleed to death and that was when the three of them panicked.
Cammy was there on a split second and tried grabbing her or reaching for the knife she had but he can't.
"Stop please... Stop! You don't have to do this! Please stop!" Cammy cried and started to fade.
But nothing happened. They had maintained a huge gap between them and Fallon because they are afraid that she might see them but it looks like they have made their own demise because they had to run to her.
Cammy tried pulling her as she bled and went to the water but he can't touch her.
"Fallon!" Joy cried and dived into the water to get to her but she was already in the deep part.
"Joy, she may seem alive." Light said as Joy was trying to search for her. "But she's already dead inside. If she don't believe in any reason to live, you can't save her."
Just then, when Joy saw Fallon and swam to get her, a big hand appeared and pulled the both of them up. The man tapped Fallon's face who was still fighting for her consciousness because she'd lost a lot of blood already.
" Hang on tight. Please. I have already lost your mom. I can't lose you too. Please Fallon, fight. I'm here now.
" I'm sorry I have given you a hard time. I was preoccupied by my loss and I have forgotten that you have lost her too.
"my baby please.... Hang on..." he said and hugged the nearly unconscious Fallon.
It was then that Joy realized that it was Fallon's father because he looked exactly like her. He gave her a look of gratitude and swam towards the shore of the lake that was connected with the sea. Joy followed them.
"Papa... I'm sorry.... I constantly fail you..." Fallon said as her father ran wih her on his arms.
"Sshh Fallon... We'll talk after you recover so now I want you to fight. Please."
Fallon, the cold-hearted girl at class cried so hard to her father as Light and Joy's necklace shone bright. They followed them till they got to the hospital where she was treated and her father never left her side as she slept.
Her father sighed in relief as the doctors told him that after blood transfusion, Fallon will be just fine.
"Hope."
Light was standing there, watching-- as Fallon and her father reunited like they were separated by fate, but now bound by love.
"Save her now." he said. "Even a small memory of happiness would be sufficient. Because she had been so sad all her life, she can appreciate even small happiness."
Joy went to Fallon and saw her cuts that were so deep and drowning- she know they will be copied to her- but she still smiled because she will carry the pain with her.
"As the heavens appointed me,
I stand before you.
I am Hope, the chosen one.
I saw how you suffered and now I'm ending them all- believe me- they're all gone.
The pain in your heart, share it with me.
For you to see the happiness this world has to give.
So now be happy, hopeful and joyful.
Live life as you have resurrected from the dead."
________
Fallon woke up with the sight of her papa in the hospital bed. She felt so happy and joyful, as if the burden she varried was lifted from gone.
Her papa is here now, and her lola was sleeping on the couch.
Now she believes in miracles.
She's not there yet. She had not yet fully recovered from the pain but she knows deep her heart that she was never alone anymore. Her papa is here, also her lola.
"Maybe, this life is worth living after all. " she said and slept with the comfort of the father next to her.
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