Chapter 6: Feeling does not mean believing
Did I ask why Malfoy kissed me? No. Would it make my life better if I did? Absolutely. For the past few days, I kept finding myself looking back to that night, the night where Malfoy-in a slightly exaggerated way to express this-turned my world upside down.
I had to admit my heart was racing after he set me loose. I opened my mouth, but no words were coming out. My mind was completely blank and all I could do at the moment was looking at him in disbelief. I knew I should've said something along the lines of 'what were you thinking, this is unacceptable', or hexed him, or swung my fist like what Ron did.
But no, I just stared at him.
Malfoy smiled. Again, the kind of smile that I had no idea what his intentions were behind it. Perhaps he thought this was a perfect practical joke just to see my reactions. Or perhaps, he meant it.
No. No, no. There was no way for him to mean it. He was Draco Malfoy, the boy who hated me for as long as I remembered. How could he have any feelings besides resentment for me? And just moments ago, he said he didn't even like me.
"Malfoy." All I managed to say was his name.
"Life is surely strange, isn't it?" That smile was still lingering on his thin lips, and I couldn't help but stare at them before he lifted my chin up to force me to look into his deep grey eyes, "It's alright, Granger, you don't have to say anything. "
Then he kissed me again, with a mix of all emotions.
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Malfoy and I never talked about it. He acted like nothing out of the line had happened and I acted like I didn't care at all when in reality, I couldn't stop thinking about it. He still mocked my friends whenever he got the chance, and I was still stuck with him for most of the time during the day.
The weekend finally rolled around and I was more than grateful to be able to spend time with my friends, and by 'my friends', I really just meant Ginny. Ron was still upset about what happened, and so was I. Should I apologize to him? I didn't know and as bad as I felt, I didn't want to. It had been a few months after Ron and I parted ways, but I still wasn't sure if I was at peace with it.
Sitting in the Three Broomsticks with Ginny across the table from me and quietly drinking my butterbeer, I heard Ron's voice over a distance. I looked over and saw him with Lavender, sitting by the window not that far from us and talking happily like all the other real couples.
"I'm sorry, I know it had been hard for you." Ginny sighed, "But it's time to let go."
"I did let go." I lied, looked away from them and back at Ginny, "I found my own happiness with someone I care about."
"I hope you are right about Malfoy." Ginny said with a frown, "I still don't understand what you see in him or the reason led you to date him, but I'm glad you think you found happiness."
I smiled and didn't make any further comment. This was a lie I didn't know how to stop, it had been gradually spiraling out of control.
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The only time Ron and I spoke after the day he punched Malfoy were when I came across him playing chess with Harry in the common room after Ginny and I came back from Hogsmeade.
He didn't seem like he wanted to engage in a conversation at first but he still politely greeted me. I nodded and was about to head to the dorm when Harry stopped me.
"You two really should make peace." He sighed, looking at me sincerely, despite Ginny squeezed his shoulder attempted to stop him from talking.
"Then I'd like an apology." It came out more bitter than I intended it to be.
"When are you going to stop playing the victim?" Ron's sight was fixated on the chessboard.
"Pardon me?"
"Hermione, I'm sorry to say this to you, but you should stop playing the victim." Ron said broodingly, finally turned around to look at me, "I've explained myself countless times and we went through everything over and over again. You told me you were upset and needed time to heal, then you turned around and began dating Malfoy, who you hated and hated you for years. I want you to be happy, I really do. But do you really want to be with Malfoy or just because you don't want to be alone? Or, you just can't stand the fact that I moved on first."
Ron's words struck me, and I froze. I wanted to run upstairs straight to my bed, but I couldn't move. It made me question if he was right. As much as I didn't want him to be right, a voice in me was telling me that he might be.
"Ron, how can you say such things?" Astounded, Ginny rose her voice. She quickly walked to me and wrapped her arms around me, "Let's go, Hermione. That's enough."
I still couldn't move. My mind was swirling, and I felt sick. I wanted to scream, to yell at him for being cruel, but I knew I have to right to do so.
"What's gotten into you?" Harry said to Ron with a frown, then he turned towards me, "I'm sorry. I just want you to know, though it was a surprise to all of us that you decided to be with Malfoy, we are happy for you as long as he makes you happy."
I nodded, in a stutter, all I managed to say was: "I got to go."
Even though I had no idea where to go.
So, I found myself outside the Slytherin common room again. This time, with the courage and the shamelessness I didn't know where I gathered from, I asked a passing by Slytherin to get Malfoy for me.
After a few moments, Malfoy appeared in front of me with a confused look.
"What's the matter?" He asked, "You've been looking for me quite often these days."
I didn't respond. Instead, I bit my lips and looked at him with complicated emotions. I was upset, I felt guilty, I didn't know what to do, or think. I wanted to talk to someone, but I had no one. I had no one but Malfoy. What a tragedy.
"Seriously, what's wrong? Granger, you are scaring me." Malfoy came a bit closer to me.
"I'd never thought I would ask you this," I said slowly, trying not to cry, "But can you spend some time with me if you aren't busy?"
"There were a lot of things you said you'd never said to me, but you did it anyway." Malfoy wouldn't let the opportunity to mock me go, but he didn't sound malicious, "Sure. I guess spending some time with you is better than listening to Blaise talking about his stranger obsession over different species of evergreens."
There was no way for Blaise Zabini to be interested in evergreens. Malfoy lied. And I didn't question him.
Once again, we were sitting against the railings on the top of the observatory. Malfoy was close to me in a distance I wouldn't normally comfortable with, but not today. Today, out of no particular reason, I wanted him to stay by my side.
Was it because I was lonely and desperately wanted to be around someone who listened to me? Perhaps. But I didn't care. I didn't care it was Malfoy who was next to me quietly listening to me pouring my hearts out. It didn't matter, I needed to talk to somebody, and he was there.
"What can I tell you to make you realize you need to let go?" He said gently, a tone I never expected him to talk to me in, "What if Weasley was right? What if you can't see to let it pass because you weren't the first one to move on?"
"Maybe." I said quietly, staring into the dark sky, "Maybe just because I have a hard time not be the one being in control of the situation."
"I understand." He said, almost sounded genuine, "We spent a lot of time together recently. And though it against my will, I have to admit that I do think you are a decent person. Like I told you last time, you will be just fine and if you are lucky, you may even find someone who's less poor."
"What? Like you?" I was surprised by what I said. I didn't know what had gotten into me and now I was too terrified to look at him or hear anything he had to say.
"We'll see about that." He said. I couldn't see his expressions, but his voice sounded soft instead of sarcastic.
I didn't know what I wanted from Malfoy and I certainly didn't have any clue what he wanted from me. It was almost like, he was convenient. Convenient to spend time together, convenient to fall in love with.
Finally, I turned to look at him and met his eyes. I couldn't tell what he was thinking but at that moment, it didn't matter much anymore. I reached out to touch his cheek and though there was the slightest surprise in his pale grey eyes, he didn't move.
Did I feel bad about it? Yes. But I couldn't help it, it was like the selfish part of me was screaming and fueled my actions. If the whole contract thing was nothing but a game, I wanted to play it to the fullest.
"Kiss me, Mal--, Draco." I was still looking into his eyes, "Yes, I said kiss me."
Under the pale moonlight, thin clouds, and misty air, Draco Malfoy's lips once again, pressed against mine.
And this time, I didn't let him go.
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VesperKitsune
VesperKitsune Hi again! Thank you SO MUCH for those who voted, saved it to the collection! And of course, thank you for spending your time reading this story!
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