Chapter 18: Hugging
The Approach
I wrote about touch and determining approachability and it is especially true when it comes to hugs. So before you hug:
* Be sure they notice you – this means making eye contact and having some vocal greeting in advance. Jumping on your friend with a surprise hug can be cute, but make sure they like it, and even if then, be gentle.
* Do it slowly – approach with open arms and a smile, so they will know about your intention and a have a moment to prepare... or to withdraw. Otherwise you get one of these awkward, non reciprocal hugs.
* Make sure they're approachable – if they sit in a defensive or contemplative posture, it might not be the best moment to run and embrace them.
*Enthusiasm is great, in measure. Running to embrace someone is a nice gesture, but knocking them over is hilarious. Be sure that you know what you're doing.
A side note: we like to hug our pets but it seems that many dogs dislike that, especially the dominant aggressive types, since the act of laying limbs over them is considered as a display of submission.
The Duration
The duration of the hug is dependent on the context and the level of intimacy. You can hug your relatives almost for as long as you desire, because they (hopefully) know and feel comfortable with you.
The platonic hug should be short and causal, because we don't want to imply anything sexual or romantic by it.
If you DO want to mean more than friendship, then a brief and "nervous" hug signals insecurity and discomfort to touch. Instead, try practicing making the hug slower and smoother, it needs to feel natural, not as a compulsory and calculated act. It might be helpful to count in your head slowly while embracing your crush, on average, we hug for about 3 seconds, so even a second more can leave a deeper impression.
The Pat
Patting on the back (usually twice) is a nonverbal signal that tells it's time to let go – enough is enough. It can also be a sign that the other party isn't interested in this physical proximity and tries to disengage politely. This can be a sign for trouble when you expect the hug to be more empathetic and passionate, like between lovers.
The Position of the Hands
Let's start with intention, because it automatically guides us to where we need to lay our hands. Instinctively, you can say that the more platonic the hug is in nature then the position of the hands will be around less intimate regions, such as: around the shoulders (e.g. the side hug) or crossing underneath the arms and around the upper back.
Lovers , as anticipated, have more freedom to touch each other and wish to express more passion and caring. In this case, the man and woman have a sort of standard setup to embrace each other:
The man will lay his arms around the waist or lower back of his lover and pull her closer around the hip area, while the woman will wrap her hands around his neck or shoulders, or will lay her hands gently on his chest.
Note: When there's a big height difference, then there are 2 options:
1. The taller person will hug around the neck, and the short around the back. It might be more convenient than the usual setup, but it looks as a sort of a 'bear hug', where one person smothers the other.
2. The taller person will bend. Maybe not the most comfortable hug, but it works
How close?
How close things get says much about the relation between the participants.
A negative example: When we're forced into hugging with someone we don't really like, we try to keep as much distance as possible between our body and theirs. This is especially evident in children, who lack the etiquette and sensitivity of adults.
When there's a physical gap, there's also an emotional one too.
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