Chapter 9: Chapter 8 - Stephanie's Tale (Part 2)
"The pain was unbearable and it threw me off balance." She continued. "I fell again... hard on the ground. Pain was everywhere, it was almost blinding, but all I could think about was my baby... I begged and begged, hoping nothing had happened. I felt blood... trickling down my legs.. saw it join the gash on my right which was still being held by the mabeast. I knew then that I was going to die and was about to resign myself to it... but... my child needed to be safe, alive, breathing... I wanted to see that, I wanted to see Kris hold our baby in his arms...so I fought.
"I kicked it off of me, as hard as I could and it eventually let go. Then I started running again, limping more like... as that monster continues to get closer and closer to me. I thought it was going to bite me again, and I was prepared for it, prepared to go down, still fighting... but... to this day, it still continues to baffle me, but then... it just ran away... it turned and went back to the town. I didn't have time to question it, I just continued limping along...
"Eventually I was spotted by a carriage full of knights heading to town... they picked me up and brought me straight to the capital. When they saw me... they said they couldn't believe I was still alive... I was covered in blood, my clothes were dripping with it. I remember not thinking straight then, on the way there, all I kept muttering was 'Save my baby. I don't care about me, just save my child.' over and over again. Pain kept me conscious, I was screaming with it, my womb was aching so bad... I was going into labor already, in the back of a dragon-drawn carriage filled with knights who all had no idea what to do... Oh, what great timing it was..."
"But luckily... we made it in time. There was no time for preparation, they plop me down in the nearest building they could find with a bed and called a midwife and a healer. My vision was becoming so hazy... so dark. I wanted to sleep, but I knew if I did... I would never wake up again. When they arrived... they looked so shocked, so scared... I remember wanting to know how I looked to earn those faces, it frightened me, I was scared for my child... I just told them 'Please save my baby'. It took everything I had to say those words, the pain was so great, but it worked.
"I don't remember much back then. I was only aware of how deep I was breathing, I faintly recall them telling me to push, and I did. I pushed and pushed and pushed... everything hurt, I screamed my lungs out, I think the healer was trying to lessen the pain, but it hardly let up. I thought I was going to die but I kept on pushing anyway... it felt like an eternity. I was scared... scared to find out... will I hear anything? Will I see any movement? I didn't know... and some part of me... didn't want to know.
"And then... I heard crying. It was so loud... it sounded so helpless... and frightened. I opened my eyes and I saw... there, the midwife holding my baby in her arms... wrapped in a blanket. She looked at me and gave me such a happy smile, and she told me 'Congratulations, it's a boy.'"
"Everything inside of me just washed away then. The pain... the fear... the apprehension, all gone. I just... started crying. There was my Harold, moving, crying and living... I was so happy. I wanted to hold him straightaway, my arms felt so heavy but I didn't care, I reached out towards him and was about to carry him. But the healer stopped me. She had the most confused face I've ever seen. I remember her looking at me and then at the midwife, and finally at Harold. She turned so pale so quick... I immediately knew something was wrong. She said to the midwife to bring Harold to the other room right away and to call for other healers to tend to him."
"I started feeling terrified again, my heart was beating so hard in my chest. I asked her what happened, is he alright... I asked her every question I can think of. She pointed at the wound on my leg, her face stiff as a board, and told me... She found no trace of the curse that the wolgarm had inflicted on my body. There was nothing, she said. That's when I realized her worries... the curse... could have latched on to Harold instead of me, transferred over to him. She didn't say it but I knew what she meant by that... She left the room... and I was alone."
Her knees bent upwards, her hands, which were once lifelessly dormant atop the floorboards, made to hug them, nearing them inches away from an expression deflective of the smallest of elation.
"On the bed, all I did was pray... pray that he would be alright. I prayed that his life be spared. I even asked to exchange my life for his. From the other end, I could hear his crying... it was so loud. It hurt not knowing what was happening to him, and I wanted to know so bad... but I couldn't move, my body was too weak, no matter how hard I push myself to. All I could do... was wait and wait and wait..."
A deep breath.
"After about two hours, the midwife came back... with Harold in her arms. I always thought about that moment, even after ten years... it still stuck with me, and I doubt that it would ever fade away. The midwife... looked at me, from her expression, I could already tell it wasn't good. Gone was that brief joy that lasted only seconds... she said, so quietly that I could barely hear her, 'There's nothing we can do. He's too young... the curse had spread too fast, it's too late.'"
"My heart felt like it had stopped beating... I couldn't... didn't want to believe it. He looked fine to me... his little hands were poking out the pile of blankets, he wasn't crying... he was... fine. She told me... he had only a few hours left. She thought... it'd be better... if they were spent with her mother. So she... she... rest him in my arms... and-and left the room."
Her head tilted forward against her knees, and when she brought it back up again, the spot where her head lay, was noticeable darker than it had been before.
"He looked so small... and he was so light. His eyes were just like Kris', and his nose... he had mine. He was such a curious little boy... he kept grabbing my finger... tugging with my hair. I just... he looked so healthy, how could he just... just..."
She pulled a stuffy breath of air through her nose, and exhaled, quivering.
"Sorry." She said. "I'm the one who decided to tell you a story and I ended up becoming a broken mess myself. Ahh, the nerve of me..."
Another smile, small, shaped itself almost instinctively, before vanishing away, leaving behind only melancholic ruefulness in its flee.
"You don't have to continue." Said Subaru weakly, voice gruff from maintained silence.
She shook her head.
"No... let me finish. I'll be fine."
Following her improbable assurance, was a silence that made to recall memories never forgotten, carrying onwards, with her voice subdued into a mere silent whisper.
"I talked to him as much as I could, I wanted to stay with him for as long as I can. He wanted to sleep... I could see that, but... I didn't want him too. I didn't want that time to end, I couldn't help myself. He must have gotten annoyed with my pestering because he started crying again. His crying made me want to cry as well, he wanted to sleep... that's all he wanted. So I... gave a very soft 'Shhhh' and I rocked him in my arms... very gently... and sung him a lullaby I heard from my mother... I watched as he went silent... I saw his eyelids slowly, very, very, slowly begin to shut... and a second later... he went to sleep... and never woke up.
"He looked so peaceful... like he really was just sleeping, so relaxed, he was still so warm, but I knew... he was gone. I stayed there, for so long, staring at his face... I just kept thinking and thinking about all the things I'll never get to experience with him. I sat there and realized I will never... never see him smile. I will never hear him laugh... see him crawl... walk... I will never... hear him call me 'Mama'... or call Kris 'Papa', I will never hear his first words, I always wondered what they would be... I never got to say 'I love you' not even once... I forgot to... not even goodbye..."
Her voice gradually faded into the warm air of the dawn, until there was nothing left but the hushed silent, lingering with prevalent dwelling - victorious in its endeavor of enveloping the atmosphere thick with dourness. Her tale, now at its abrupt end, gently retook the quiet usurpation, conveyed with a calmness that had been lacking throughout, in a form of soft consolation.
"I tell you this... not because I wanted to make you feel guilty. Dear no, you seem to already have enough of that. I told you this, because I wanted you to know, that I know how it is like... to blame yourself."
She spoke, just as one might to a fellow survivor. Subaru could feel it, the understanding of what it is to despise oneself.
"When Harold passed away... I blamed myself, and only myself. I hated how I fled without considering to help. I hated how I was the one to survive and not my son. I hated myself for being the coward that I was.
"It never left me, you know? The guilt - it never leaves. It stays, for as long as you're alive. Always in the back of your mind. I remembered how I looked... I looked... just like how you look right now, Subaru. 'I don't deserve any love', 'It's all my fault', 'I'm better off being alone so I won't hurt anyone ever again'... sound familiar?"
It was as if a large gaping hole had been patched up inside Subaru, the seclusion that he had felt for the longest time, in this small bedroom, the walls of desolation, suddenly toppled over, letting in a presence he never knew could share the pain he thought he must suffer in silence alone.
"I won't ask what you did that filled you with so much guilt. I also won't thoughtlessly say it wasn't your fault. But understand this Subaru, sometimes, things happen, bad things happen, and even though we could have done something to fix it, and we do try, sometimes it's just too difficult to handle by ourselves... and that's when we fail... and that's when we also blame ourselves.
"We wallow in self-pity, thinking to ourselves of all the things we regret doing. But what you need to realize, Subaru... was that there was nothing else you could have done. We have to live with those regrets and keep moving on... Sure, there might be times when you want to give up... but as long as you did everything you could have done, there's absolutely nothing wrong with giving up. That doesn't make you a bad person, or undeserving of happiness or love, joy... not at all. It just means you're human, and that you can break. So don't think like that Subaru... live in the present... never get stuck in the past, or else you'll end up not moving at all."
Her smile made a grand reappearance, brighter than ever before, kind... kinder than words could ever convey. Her hand unclasped itself from her knees and reached out towards him, ruffling his hair with warm tenderness.
"As for your parents..." She said. "They will never have forgotten you. How do I know? Well, as a mother myself... the memory of my son, thought it was just a few hours, still remained with me after ten long years. I doubt anyone, especially your parents, would forget such a wonderful boy as you."
That was when, after his hair had been rumpled, he cracked a slight smile.
"I'm wonderful?" He asked.
"Sure you are." Said Stephanie. "In just two weeks, you became a brother figure for Helen, became best pals with Kris and won my motherly love. Not everyone can do that, not everyone could make us smile everyday like you do."
Subaru felt better, tremendously so. No more did languish and guilt riddle his heart, broken into pieces. Slowly, it began mending itself, piece by piece.
"You know, a part of me is actually glad this happened. You pouring yourself out to me." Said Stephanie, her gaze now a constant watch out the window. "It felt like you were holding something back from us all this time, so I'm glad I finally found out what it was."
Subaru too, began to stare at the sun rising beyond hills.
"Maybe I didn't want to indulge myself too much in your hospitality."
She shook her head, still smiling.
"What's wrong with that? Indulge, Indulge as much as you like. I don't mind. If you think you're indulging too much, then just like your pain, share it, share it with us."
Weekly Power Status
-- Power
Ranking 
-- Power
stone