Chapter 3: this is an entire fanfic that i really liked but isnt well known so im sharing it
Summary:
Every time Wade comes over for dinner, The Joker wants to kill him: Deadpool can't keep his mouth shut and it's known The King of Gotham doesn't have a lot of patience, especially when he thinks your friend has the audacity to flirt with you. His jealousy is unfounded, but how can you reason with someone so possessive?! You and Wade go way back and this is how he is: completely harmless but try to explain this to The Joker.
Notes:
You can also follow me on Tumblr under the same blog name: DiYunho.
Chapter 1
Chapter Text
"Seriously, if I were you, I wouldn't let her out of the bedroom for days," Deadpool winks at The Joker that's sitting at the other end of the table, hovering over the food. "I am surprised we're about to have dinner and you're not locked up with her upstairs, taking care of business," he grins and… BANG! J shuts him right in the middle of the forehead, annoyed.
"Shut up, you idiot!" The Joker growls, pissed he can't really hurt your big mouthed friend.
"What the…what the freakety-freak, man?!" Deadpool takes the bullet out of his flesh, appalled. "I hope this won't leave another scar on my handsome face," he sighs, placing the bullet inside his belt as a souvenir since The Joker tries to kill him on a regular basis."You're lucky I heal fast, aren't you happy you'll have me around forever?"
"Thrilled! We're so lucky to be blessed by your presence," J sarcastically smirks. "Why are you always wearing this stupid red suit? Don't you have other clothes?"
This is a question Mister J asks very often and the answer doesn't change.
"Dude, I work out a lot, the world needs to see my amazing body, ok?" Wade points a finger towards himself. "Latex is the one of the best things ever invented, you should try it one of these days."
The Joker rolls his eyes and Deadpool rambles on.
"I know you're not a believer, but trust me, once you put it on…WOW!" he nods in agreement, taking a deep breath. "For reals, fits like a glove, stretchy when you eat an extra chimichanga, if you get my drift. Very tight squeeze though, that's why I am not wearing any underwear. I go commando ! Also had a Brazilian for a smooth glide and ouch ! That shit hurts, lemme tell ya'! I don't know why people wax ! Couldn't walk straight for a week."
"I'm trying to eat here soon, I don't need a visual !" J snarls, rolling up the sleeves to his shirt. "Y/N!!!!" he yells. "Hurry up, what are you doing?! How long does it take to change a dress?!"
"Coming!!" they both hear a door being slammed and you finally show up running down the stairs.
"Oil me with butter and roll me down naked on a stack of pancakes!" Deadpool gets up, takes your hand and kisses it while helping you sit in your chair. "I like this dress better than the first one ! It makes you glow; I can barely look at you. Might be because I need contacts or corrective eye surgery, not sure yet."
The Joker is watching the scene with his mouth opened, outraged the red-suited menace has such a nerve. Flirting with his woman right under his nose ! I mean, there is no point for him to be jealous, but how can you reason with someone so possessive?! You and Wade go waaayyy back and this is how he is: completely harmless but try to explain this to The King of Gotham.
"I think you need contacts, Wade. I remember you had problems before you turned into this…this…" you try to find the right words.
"Amazing, incredible, stupendous and absolutely insanely gorgeous person," Deadpool helps out, praising himself.
"Exactly what I was about to say," you giggle, amused at his antiques. "Did I hear a gunshot earlier?"
J gives Wade a psychotic glare.
"Gunshot?" Deadpool acts all innocent. "What gunshot? There is no way; this is a very safe and loving environment for me. I swear that…"
BANG! Another temporary wound in your friend's flesh; this time The Joker aimed for his heart.
"Heeeyyyyy! Hey, man! Watch the suit ! Dammit, now I don't look flawless anymore," Deadpool pouts, his body already pushing out the bullet that falls on his plate, bouncing right on top of his stake.
"That's just gross," J squints his eyes, placing the gun back in his holster.
"Oh my God," you gasp. "Why did you do that?!" you turn towards The Clown Prince Of Crime, upset he keeps on doing this to Wade every time he visits.
Your question is ignored.
"Can I smell your gun, man? I love the smell of fresh gun powder, turns me on," Wade begs because he is not allowed to bring his weapons at the penthouse anyway.
"Do you ever shut up?" J starts eating, wishing his murderous intent would bear more fruitful overcome.
"Sometimes when I sleep," Deadpool admits. "I have very interesting conversations with myself, I need advice from the best. Oh, come on," he takes the bullet out of his stake, placing it inside his belt again. "I know you love me man, don't try to deny it," Wade winks. "That's why I am the lucky recipient of you undivided attention. Am I right?"
The Joker has a very sour expression on his face, but there is this huge, eerie grin flourishing on his lips.
"Ummmm… what's going on? Are you plotting to kill me again? Did you get a new idea?" Wade wiggles on his chair, cutting a piece of meat. "Y/N, I am absolutely in love with your boyfriend ! I save all the bullets he tries to kill me with: it's such an honor to have The King of this town paying so much attention to me. By the way, did any of you see Francis around?"
You kick his foot under the table, trying not to laugh.
"You're truly pushing my buttons tonight, Swimming Pool !" (J's favorite nickname for the mouthy guest.)
"My bad ! Please do forgive me, dude. I had a rough day and…Are you expecting any other guests?" he turns towards you, intrigued when he hears the elevator going up to the Penthouse.
"No, we just invited you."
"Because you're embarrassing and we don't want anybody else around when you're here," J interrupts, satisfied at his remark.
You give him a disapproving gaze and reprise your train of thought:
"Unless it's Emma, but she is supposed to stay at her friend's house until tomorrow night."
The Joker's eyes light up but he doesn't have time to say anything else because his eight year old daughter emerges from the elevator.
"Pumpkin!" J signals her to come over.
"Daaaadddyyyyy, " she runs to him, kissing his cheek, then goes to you for a kiss: "Hi mommy!…Uncle Pool !!!" she giggles, rushing by his side afterwards.
"Hey kiddo, what's up, you got bored over there?" the curious mom in you wants to know.
"Yes, I wanted to come home," she kisses Wade's right cheek, then he turns the other:
"If this one doesn't get kissed, it's gonna cry all night." His scared skin gets another peck. "Sit by me, we need to catch up, I didn't see you in a week. And you can call me Uncle Dead, I told you before: we're best friends. Nah, I'm joking, I prefer Uncle Wade," he tickles her side and she laughs, entertained.
J gets up and places a plate with food in front of his daughter, kicking Deadpool's chair so hard he drops his spoon full of mashed potatoes in his lap.
"Mother of hell ! My brand new suit is a mess! Shit ! Oh no, I forgot, I'm sorry," he covers his mouth for a few seconds, shocked. He knows he is not supposed to say bad words in front of Emma: she has a jar he has to put money in if he breaks the rule. "Do I still get a free pass?"
"Yes," she frets, ready to go for that jar if he continues to talk nonsense.
"Thank all the saints in heaven and angels floating in the clouds," Wade takes a deep breath, relieved. "I don't have my wallet with me. Plus, I'm broke; my rent went up."
"Watch your dirty mouth, Swimming Pool !" J mutters through his clenched teeth, returning to his spot. "Go rob a bank and get some money; you have all these super powers, use them!"
"Yes, sir !" Deadpool salutes, reckoning this is not the worst advice The Joker came up with, switching his attention to the little Princess.
"Say, honey, are you breaking any hearts recently? Did you get a new boyfriend since I last saw you?"
"No, Uncle Wade," your daughter chuckles, shy.
"I'll be damned, a pretty girl like you !"
"That's a bad word !" Emma jumps from her chair, snatching the infamous glass container from the nearby coffee table. It is labeled: "Uncle Pool's Swearing Jar," already half full with one hundred dollar bills, the fourth one this year and it's only March.
"Crap!" he punches the table, then he realizes he shouldn't have said that.
Emma gasps:
"Another bad word!" she shoves the jar by his side, waiting.
"Told you I don't have my wallet. Jeez, kid, you're killing me here," Deadpool complaints but you don't help him on this one.
"Serves you right," The Joker snorts and for once you agree.
"Can I write an "I owe you" note?" he puckers his lips, making this fake sad face while grabbing a napkin from the pile, scribbling words on it with the pen Emma is already handing over. "You know I'm good for it."
"U-hum," her ponytails bounce is the air, excited she'll get more money.
Wade is not big on keeping promises, but he always gives her what he owes afterwards.
"Fuck, I misspelled money," he grumbles, crossing over the word.
"Wade, can you not ???!!!" you admonish, slapping his hand.
"Another bad word!" your daughter's eyes get big.
"Keep your trap shut, you moron !" The Joker threatens, not understanding why he has to restrain from attempting murder on your friend again. His daughter is present and he can't do anything for the moment.
"I sincerely regret the words that are coming out of my mouth and I am aware I am really digging myself into a deep financial hole here. I owe you money I don't have, my little angel. Can I get another free pass?" he unravels his teeth in a sinister grin.
"No, Uncle Wade! You have to pay me !" Emma frowns, tapping on the jar.
"That's my girl !!" J approves, ecstatic his offspring is already so good at negotiating.
"Freaking banging balls ! I'm screwed !" Deadpool huffs, starting to sweat.
"Wade !!!!!" you shove him around while Emma has only one thing in mind, thrilled her jar is going to be full soon:
"More bad words! Keep them coming, Uncle!"
"Don't encourage this behavior!" J snaps, his homicidal ideas take over the better judgement of containing himself.
Everyone talks at once, shouting and trying to make their point while Deadpool has his hands up in surrender, apologizing for shit he can't stop saying.
Oops, bad word; this was actually me. Excuse me while I drop one hundred dollar bill in Emma's jar.
Crap, Deadpool, you're a bad influence!!
Oops, there goes another hundred.
Chapter 2
Summary:
Wade was bored and begged to be taken at the meeting you and The Joker have this morning with one of his business partners. Your boyfriend was totally against it but you managed to convince him; let's just say a very tired Y/N barely slept last night. And since The King of Gotham can't stand Deadpool, it should be fun…
Chapter Text
The Joker is leading the way around the huge 5 stories warehouse, chit chatting with Jax and you walk behind, holding on to Deadpool's arm.
"Why do you keep on yawning?" Wade elbows you. "Rough night?"
"Something like that," you rub your eyes, careful not to smear the make-up.
"You crazy kids! Can't get enough of each other?" he snickers and you can tell Wade has a huge grin under the mask.
"Well… I had to put in some overtime since J was hard to convince to let you tag along."
As a thank you, your hand is being kissed by your best friend. He even lifts the mask, this way it's done properly.
"My God, I'm craving coffee soooooo badly," you sigh, wishing you were already sipping your Starbucks latte right now.
Deadpool stops, holding his breath.
"Holy Wolverine, Patrick Stewart and all the X-Men living at the Mansion!! Are you pregnant ??!! "
"What?!" you frown, not understanding how he got to that conclusion.
"You said you're craving coffee, Y/N!" he excitedly squeals, impatiently tapping his dark boots on the concrete floor.
"I'm not pregnant, Wade! Emma's enough for us," the obvious is stated and he pouts under the mask. "Seriously…" you mumble and yank at his arm, forcing him to move.
"You really know how to burst a man's bubble, don't you ?" Deadpool complaints, unhappy with the disappointing news. "And my man bubble is very fragile, OK?"
"You're the one jumping to conclusions here," you try to comfort him and quietly walk besides him, aware Wade is sulking. But he can't shut up for too long.
"I'm still debating on plastic surgery, maybe I can make this handsome face better. You know I always said I look like Ryan Reynolds before my amazing transformation; I kind of miss that."
"You still look like Ryan Reynolds!" a very convincing Y/N concludes. "Don't you dare doing anything to these amazing cheekbones Wade!" you squish the sides of his mouth hiding beneath the silky red fabric to prove your point. "Chicks dig guys with scars to start with, they're badass! J has a few and I love them. My favorite one," you wink, "is right above his… "
BANG!!! A bullet hits Deadpool right in the neck, ricocheting in a box full of guns to his left. He starts coughing up a storm, wheezing while pressing on the wound. The Joker saw the scene and his deadly, murderous intent surfaced once more.
"That's my woman, Swimming Pool!" your boyfriend growls, eyes sparkling with insanity and unfounded jealousy. "Don't touch her like that!!"
You are technically touching Wade, but everyone knows how The Joker's logic works when he gets blinded by his pointless crusades.
Jax is petrified, not wanting to aggravate The Clown Prince of Crime in any other way.
"What the hell, J ?!" you panic, alarmed at the new twist. "This is uncalled for!"
"I'm…I'm f-fine…" Deadpool manages to utter, the punctured skin already regenerating. Yet, his throat makes this horrible whistling sound every time he inhales and exhales.
The Joker puts the gun back in the holster, reprising the walk with his business partner, mumbling a series of insane things to himself, frustrated Wade can't be killed. Not for lack of trying, that is…
"Honey, are you alright?" you take his mask off to assess the damage, worried about those strenuous, obnoxious sounds he's still making.
"Mother of sewers and garbage cans!" Deadpool gulps, not wanting to concern you more than necessary. "How's my face? Still gorgeous?"
"Yes, yes, your face is fine," you nod, analyzing his features.
"Pfew, such a relief. I can't afford this masterpiece to be ruined. Can you do me a favor?"Wade asks, showing you his Adam's apple." Punch me really hard right here, I think it needs adjustment."
"Are you sure?" you anxiously blink, not eager to do it.
"Can't you hear the annoying noise I'm making?! Come on, pleeeease!"
The unsettling cracking sound of broken bone, more cough and teary eyes, but his voice returns to normal.
"Fuck Y/N, you still have a mean strike!"
You want to apologize, but he puts his mask back on, holding your hand since J is out of sight for the moment. The usual yapping follows.
"I know that man likes me Y/N, he's just playing hard to get. We have a very cool bromance going on. Honesty, our male bonding is off the charts!"
"If you say so, Wade…" you sigh, wishing The Joker would love the red suited hazard as much as you do and quit trying to murder him on a regular basis.
"You punching me like that reminded me of when we first met," Deadpool 's mood suddenly changes, smiling at the memory. You giggle, reckoning that day of the first encounter many years ago, before you and The Joker crossed paths:
*** He saw you at the bar and thought: fresh meat. The 24 year old Wade had one last hundred dollars bill in his pocket and approached, waving the money in your face with a huge smirk:
"Ola, mamacita. What will a hundred bucks get me tonight?"
You punched him so hard his ears started ringing. You yanked the hundred out of his hand, grumbling through your clenched teeth:
"One black eye! It will be another hundred for the other!"
Deadpool always says that was the moment he fell in love; it costed him a slight concussion but he found a soulmate for life. (He also states that right when you punched him he saw Wolverine naked, glowing in the darkness. Wade took it as a sign from above.)
"Shit, I don't have another hundred, I'm officially broke now. But I can buy you a drink and chimichangas; the owner of the place is my buddy and I can pay him later," he moved his jaw sideways, alleviating the ache.
"They have chimichangas here?!" you inquired, intrigued.
"The best in town!" he kept on massaging his skin and you surprised yourself by debating on the offer. "Eating them will make you wanna strip and run around in circles. Guaranteed!! We should join forces and go for it."
You snorted, finding the witty guy entertaining. Something about that boyish aura he had lowered your defense.
"We can use this hundred," you placed it on the counter as a token for truce, waving at the bartender.
"I'm Wade," he extended his hand, waiting for you to take it.
"Y/N," you hesitantly shook his hand and he grabbed a sit by you. "You really need better pick-up lines," you lifted your cold beer bottle and pressed it on his freshly punched cheek.
"Fuck me, don't I know it!" Wade admitted, upset he couldn't catch a break. ***
You are near The Joker again and have to let go of Deadpool's hand. J is always envious for no reason; he just can't understand your friendship.
Everyone is walking up the stairs towards the 5th floor where the guns are displayed for today's transaction. Jax rushed ahead to make sure everything looks good, striving to impress the picky King of Gotham with the merchandise.
Wade sprints in order to walk by the Joker, briefly abandoning you.
"Hey dude, what did you get her for your anniversary?" he whispers, hoping J will disclose the secret.
"A ring!" your boyfriend grouchily utters.
The high pitch scream coming from Deadpool makes all parties present to the event cringe. You can't hear the conversation but it must be interesting if Wade is so excited!
"You dirty dog!" Deadpool elbows J, chuckling. "You're gonna ask her to marry you?!"
"Shut up, Swimming Pool, it's just a ring!"
Too late, Mister Wilson is already in his little world:
"Can I be the maid of honor?"
"Zip it, you moron!" The Joker snarls, fed up with the dialogue.
"Can I be the flower girl?"
"Keep your voice down, you idiot! I don't want her to know about the ring! It's a surprise!"
"Got it, got it bro! I got your back dude! Are you going to go at the cabin in the woods like you planned?"
"Yeah," J sniffles, mad Wade won't shut up.
"Can I babysit Emma?" Deadpool grins.
"No!!!"
"For the love of Logan's perfect hair, why not?"
"Because I hate you, Swimming Pool!" The Joker spits out.
"Bulshit man, you adore me, don't fight the feeling; it only hurts more! Just think about it: you and Y/N alone, no kiddo, free to have sex all day, walk around naked and she can see that scar she loves so much, rumored to be right above your…"
Wade doesn't get to finish because J pushes him over the railing from the 5th floor, his tolerance for the loudmouthed Deadpool ending in a split second.
"Wade!!!!!" you yell, shocked to see him unexpectedly fly down like that.
Deadpool lands on his feet, bending his knees in order to minimize the impact.
"Waddeeee!!!!" you shout, "Are you OK?!"
"He's fine!" J answers instead, disappointed Wade is not splattered all over the floor.
"I'm good! I'm good! Did you see that Y/N? Perfect landing! Where are some desperate women in need of a hot stud like me when you need them, hm? That was impressive, right?"
You don't answer, catching your breath after the scare.
"Next time when you're in a playful mood, give me a warning bro! " Deadpool waves at The Joker. "Gravitation almost took its toll here! Thank heavens I never wear underwear!"
J growls, heading towards the chamber full of ammo.
"Stop doing stuff like this to him!" you plead and The Clown Prince of Crime ignores you, vanishing behind the metal doors.
You wait for Deadpool to get upstairs again and dust him off, even if you don't have to.
"What's with the suit? It's not as red as it used to be," you point out.
"Yeah, the new one is at the cleaner's. I am wearing one of my older ones. I believe it makes my butt look big though, don't you think?"
"Lemme see," you step behind him, checking out the area. "No, I think it's fine," you take two steps back, just to make sure.
Whoosh! A knife hisses by your ear, impaling Wade's left butt cheek.
"That's my woman, Swimming Pool !!!" J screams, crazed with his pointless jealousy since he was obviously eavesdropping on you two.
You gasp, covering your mouth.
"Blessed be the protector of balls," Deadpool winces in pain, trying to pull out the knife."Lucky you were checking out the back and not the front, otherwise it wouldn't be pretty, Y/N !"
Lucky indeed, especially since he's not wearing any underwear either…
Chapter 3: 15 Things The Joker And Deadpool Do Differently
Chapter Text
1. You say "I love you" for the first time
Deadpool: Cries for an hour and you have to take him out for tacos and chimichangas because he won't stop otherwise
The Joker: Tells you to shut up because he's not interested in that kind of crap
2. There is a spider on the wall
Deadpool: Screams and hides behind you, urging you to kill it
The Joker: Shoots his gun at the critter until the living room at the Penthouse needs complete remodeling
3. You tell him he's handsome
Deadpool: Squeals when you confirm he could pass as Ryan Reynold's twin
The Joker: Gets mad because it took you long enough to realize he has Jared Leto's eyes and physique
4. Somebody insults you
Deadpool: Rants for an hour, drawing diagrams and explaining how much he's pissed before stabbing the person in the butt for being an ass
The Joker: Doesn't say a word and doesn't draw diagrams because he's not artistically inclined. Just knives the person on the spot before realizing they weren't even referring to you.
5. It smells like gun powder
Deadpool: Gets turned on
The Joker: Gets crazy
6. He needs money
Deadpool: Borrows money from Dopinder and gives him a cute "I owe you" note decorated with hearts and pink bows
The Joker: Robs five banks and gives authorities a headache
7. Wants to have sex
Deadpool: Makes suggestive and obscene gestures to hint at what he wants, promising you can be in charge (again)
The Joker: Calls in advance and tells you to start without him because he's a busy man
8. You're cold while taking a walk in the park
Deadpool: Takes off his jacket, Wolverine t-shirt, the other Wolverine t-shirt, even the third Wolverine t-shirt plus the scarf and bundles you in them
The Joker: Points out he can't control the weather
9. You send him to get tampons
Deadpool: Doesn't know what to get even if you told him, grabs one box of each kind and tells the cashier they are for his terrible nose bleeds
The Joker: Knows what to get but only grabs purple boxes because they match his outfit
10. He's depressed
Deadpool: Buys more Ikea furniture he can't actually afford
The Joker: Captures Batsy and makes him listen to his hardships
11. You have a terrible fight
Deadpool: Feels bad 5 minutes later so he serenades at your window with the neighborhood's dogs howling as backup singers
The Joker: Parades around naked, underlining you could have fun right now instead of wasting precious moments sulking
12. Dinner with the future in –laws
Deadpool: Keeps on dropping F-bombs and clumsily apologizes by accidentally dropping more F-bombs
The Joker: Is angry because you're calling somebody else Daddy
13. You're sad
Deadpool: Puts together a finger puppet show for you about X-Men and his man-crush on Logan
The Joker: Makes an effort to cheer you up and reminds you he didn't kill you yet so you should be happy
14. You suddenly have weird cravings
Deadpool: Cooks fried pickles with chocolate syrup upon request at 2 in the morning while having Spidey on speaker phone to guide him through the steps
The Joker: Makes grape juice enchiladas for dinner like you wanted and calls FBI emergency helpline for instructions
15. You announce your pregnancy
Deadpool: Faints
The Joker: Is full of himself and brags to everyone about his achievement, convinced there is no better stud out there
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