Deja-vu
That night, I slept at 3 AM, finally content with an understanding of why I loved Matthew in the first place.
But all too soon, I had to get up because it was time to go to my first day at the lab. I had only slept 4 hours and I really didn't have the energy. I forced myself up, showered and put on an outfit that I hoped was professional while still being casual.
But now I had to go downstairs.. and meet Matthew.
This would be our first conversation since that kiss. I didn't know how to feel about that, especially knowing how tender he was with me last night when he thought I was sleeping. It would be so hard to keep a straight face. Oh well.. I needed to get going if I want to eat before catching my ride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There I was getting myself some breakfast ready, when suddenly..
"Well, well, well! Who do we have here?"
The voice I heard made me stiffen with shock. How many years had it been? I associated that voice with wisdom, with fatherly comfort and with fond memories. I turned around to face the man standing behind me, looking at me expectedly through the rim of his glasses.
"Uncle Cesare!"
He was not my uncle, as was Teresa not my aunt, but as family friends that became like family to me, I often called them Uncle and Aunt.
He swooped me up in a hug, and stepped back to take a good look at me.
"You've become such a beautiful young lady.. just like your mother."
"Thank you.. it's so good to see you! You haven't aged a day!"
His face was almost a carbon copy of his son, albeit aged with shallow wrinkles sitting atop his forehead, and a sharper jawline.
"It's nice to see you too, dear. I'm so happy you're visiting us and doing so well in school."
"Agh, I don't know about that.. I'm trying my best! Although I've been a bit distracted lately.."
Not that I'd ever say it out loud, but I think your son may have something to do with that..
"Such high expectations for yourself!", he laughed. "Just like your Papa."
I was so absorbed talking to Uncle Cesare that I didn't even notice Matthew come into the kitchen until I felt him walk past me.
"Morning, son!"
There was silence.
"Morning."
Uh.. that was a cold response. I wondered what was up with him and his dad.
Cesare turned back to me, seemingly embarrassed by how Matthew had shrugged him off.
"So.. you're headed to Stanford now. Am I correct, dear?"
I nodded, "I was actually just going to take the bus."
"Don't worry about that! I'll give you a ride there. Just for today."
"Oh, that would be so nice of you, Uncle Cesare! Thank you."
He told me to meet him in the garage in 20 minutes and walked out of the kitchen to prepare for work.
It was so awkward with just me and Matthew in the kitchen alone. I wondered if I should break the ice.. and decided to just go for it, ignoring the stupid butterflies in my stomach.
"Good morning.. um.. it's early, but um.. a- a nice morning."
Wow. Nice job.
Matthew turned back and tossed me a smile that screamed insincerity.
"Just dazzling."
If I wasn't already embarrassed and blushing, I would be impressed by the sarcastic delivery. But I was too worried to be impressed. I hoped he wasn't mad about me running off on him the other day. I managed to gather my courage because I felt the need to clear the air a bit.
"I just wanted to say I'm.. um- sorry I ran off yesterday."
He flashed another one of his smiles,
"Oh, don't worry about that. You only made me run a mile and experience an early mini heart attack. Nothing else. Any other confessions?"
I could feel annoyance starting to grow inside me with how immaturely he was handling this situation.
"Look, I said I was sorry! If you hadn't trapped me and- um.."
"You were saying, Princess?"
His sarcasm was high key starting to piss me off.
"Well, you know what I mean! If you hadn't done that.. that thing with me! Which I don't know why you did and what it even means!"
I was starting to ramble on when Matthew took a step towards me and kissed me on the forehead, causing me to lose total control of my words.
"What- why, I mean- does this mean-"
"I assure you, that kiss meant nothing either."
He was infuriating in the way he could just play with me so easily. So much for assuming that there were feelings on his part.
"Whatever! What I meant to say is that my running away wasn't all my fault!"
"Sorry for turning you on.", he said nonchalantly.
"You- you are just vile!"
"Tell it to your diary."
That was the last straw.
"Screw you, Matthew Ruscuiti!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Somehow, I kept my calm during the entire ride to Stanford. Cesare didn't seem to notice I was fuming inside, which was totally fine by me.
As I stared at the amazing building in front of me, that would be my next terrain of discovery, I was overcome with feelings of excitement. This was so amazing, and I still couldn't believe I'd be doing cancer research at a Stanford lab. After taking a deep breath, I headed inside to the lobby. A man guided me to an office after I told my name, and I knocked on the open door, seeing a grey-haired woman in a suit talking to a younger student wearing a lab coat.
"Hi.. Dr. Cresswell?"
The woman in the suit nodded and motioned for me to come in.
"I'm Michelle Manzo, but please call me Shelley."
"Pleasure to meet you, Shelley. I was just talking to Dr. Shin about your arrival.", she gestured towards the woman standing next to her. "She is a postdoctoral scholar and she will be your immediate supervisor in the lab."
Dr. Shin waved and gave me a smile.
"Thank you so much for allowing me to work in your lab. I can't express how lucky I feel to be here."
Dr. Cresswell crossed her arms and squinted at me, "Yes, well, I'm glad you realize that this is a generous offer on our part. I trust that you will work hard and learn a lot during your time here."
Wow, she really means business.
"Yes, of course!"
"Great. I will leave you and Dr. Shin to it then."
She ushered us out of her office and Dr. Shin started leading to give me a tour of the place, commenting that it was good I dressed up as there was a conference today. Though her English wasn't perfect, I could tell that she was enthusiastic and intelligent.
We came into a room with a couple dozen computers with a few people typing noisily on them and spitting out numbers to each other.
"Wow.. is this the research room? It's amazing!"
She chuckled, "It gets boring some time after."
A guy in a plaid shirt walked up to us upon noticing our entrance.
"Hey there, Sunny."
Dr. Shin greeted him back.
"Are you showing around a new grad student? I'm John Rosewood. I'm also a postdoc here at the lab."
"Actually, Shelley just graduated high school this year. She's taking part in the summer research program."
His face dropped in shock,
"Hot damn, no wonder you look young. You just dressed like a grad student seeking a position." he let out a deep laugh. "You know life isn't going anywhere right? Why do you have to rush so fast?"
Well, that was an uncomfortable question.
"Well, I'm just.. uh.. super excited to be here and learn all sorts of new things!"
I guess he sensed me stiffening as he reassured,
"No need to become uncomfortable. You just remind me of my sister at your age and sound like a real planner, which is good but also dangerous. Remember that life often disappoints those who plan vigorously, and know that there's nothing wrong with living a little."
He shot a playful wink, "As they say, youth is wasted on the young."
"Hmm.. sure."
"Well, since you're here already, Sunny here is going to be a great mentor for you. She's exceptional."
I could see her blush and look down.
"I have an appointment with the multi-photon microscope now so.. it was nice meeting you, Shelley! And I'll catch you later, Sunny."
He turned and swiftly walked away, while Sunny's gaze followed him down the hallway.
"He sure is liberal with his wisdom."
Sunny giggled, "He's nice, isn't he?"
I nodded. Nice, yes, but also a little preachy.
Or.. did he have a valid point? Was I shooting myself in the foot and setting myself up for disappointment with all these plans of mine?
"What are you thinking about, Shelley?"
I realized I had kept Sunny waiting a tad too long and decided to change the topic.
"Just spaced out a little.. um, but I was wondering.. Is your real name Sunny?"
"That's actually my chosen English name. My real name in Korean is Seungyeon."
"Yeah.. I'll just stick to Sunny because otherwise I'll butcher your Korean name.", I laughed. "However, the way you said it made it sound like a very pretty name! And I love Korean food."
"We have the best places to eat here! Let's go get lunch together today."
"That's so nice of you. I'd love that! But only if you let me bring Italian tomorrow."
"Good deal. Now come please, I'll show you the tissue culture room."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Several weeks later..
For the next few weeks, Matthew and I mostly stayed out of each other's way. At first, no one really noticed, but as the days and weeks progressed, the tension between us was obvious. Somehow, if we both were in the same room together, the atmosphere would become sticky and thick. The tension was so palpable that you could slice it with a knife. Teresa, Cesare and Miriam would try and compensate for the sudden drop in the atmosphere with enthusiastic gestures and exclamations.
One time when Teresa and I were talking over cooking, Matthew passed in and out of the room to grab something from the cupboard, and even though it was only a few minutes, the mood had already gone down.
"Shelley, can I ask you something?", Teresa whispered.
"Of course."
She was speaking softly, as though she didn't want Matthew to hear.
"What's the matter with you and Matthew? I've tried asking him myself, but he immediately shuts down and feigns ignorance."
I had to roll my eyes at that. Like HE doesn't know why the both of us aren't talking. That son of a.. no, Teresa is anything but.
"Well.. is there something I should know?"
I decided to be honest but vague.
"It's complicated.. but let's just say it's awkward and there's nothing you can do about it. Please don't worry. I'm sure it'll blow over soon."
"If you say so, honey. I'm gonna go to the mall to check out the end of summer sale. Want to come?"
"I'll pass for now. I have to get a report together on my lab work this month. Besides, you always buy me something despite my protests and I have so much stuff already."
"That's because you're worth spoiling, my angel. You need to take a break.. but I understand. See you soon, sweetie."
After she exited the kitchen, I realized how good of a liar I was. 'I'm sure it'll blow over soon.' Like hell it will. This disaster would never blow over. Never.
Why? Because my flipping traitorous heart won't stop skipping when he walks into the room. Because I can't seem to forget about that unbelievable kiss and the sorts of feelings it awakened in me. Because I can't forget the gentle way he touched me that night when he came into my room. Because I can't forget the twinkle in his eyes, now somewhat more dead and dim from ignoring each other.
Ignoring him. Like that's even possible. It's so draining to pretend I'm not watching his every move, admiring his walk or sighing affectionately over the way he plays with his sister. Ignoring him is like a complex dance on both our parts to shuffle away from each other.. and when we get close by accident, such as when we had to sneak past each other to get to the restroom that one time..
Well, let's just say that the swish of clothing, the proximity of our bodies and the connection of our gazes just electrifies me.
Who am I kidding?! I can't stop thinking about him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Having been rejected by my first love and driving myself crazy with the what-ifs and could-be's, I forced myself to be busy. I spent every waking moment with my second love: science.
I worked 70 hour weeks in the lab. At first my experiments were not working and Dr. Cresswell was scoffing at me, despite Dr. Shin's assertions that I was a hard worker.
"High school students are a waste of my time and money,"
I heard her flippantly tell Dr. Shin one day.
But with my hard work and with Sunny's help, things turned around eventually.
After an experiment where my hypothesis was finally correct and I produced a stellar report out of it, Dr. Cresswell now secretly 'adored' me, a labmate said.
Getting my first positive result, finding the answer to my question, learning one more thing about cancer cells.. I was in love with that feeling. Formulating my own questions, devising my own experiments, and finding an answer which opened up 10 more questions was oddly electrifying. And when things didn't work, which was 80% of the time, I became even more determined to find a way to solve the issue. I chased after the thrill of finding answers to nature's many mysteries.
It sure killed time, and it took my mind off of Matthew.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last week, I started doing a secret experiment that I badly wanted to do but that Dr. Cresswell didn't encourage me to investigate. Here I was, after my sixth revision, dancing and celebrating after finding a shocking but encouraging result, one that exceeded my expectations.
"What happened Shelley?!"
"You won't believe it, Unnie!"
What the hell is an Unnie you may ask? It's what girls call their older sisters or close older friends in Korea. Spending 70 hour weeks in the lab was bound to make me close to these folks. Dr. Shin was like an older sister to me, and so I called her Unnie.
She chuckled, "If you're done hopping up and down like a little girl, I'd like to know what the good news is, too."
"Alright, alright! Let's have a late dinner to celebrate and I'll tell you all about my experiment."
I said late dinner because it was midnight. I was obsessed with the lab, and so I even considered living on-campus to make the commute easier on the weekends.
We reached a restaurant close to the lab, and had just ordered our food.
"This is great! I'm so glad you did the experiment even though Dr. Cresswell wasn't excited about it."
"Me too! Do you have any idea what this could mean?!", I was excitedly babbling on. "We might have stumbled across a new biomarker in tampons to diagnose the likelihood of pregnancy-induced endometrial cancers before their onset even begins!"
Sunny was just as excited.
"This is huge! If we find an associated gene, we can make a nice paper together, and some patients will know they have cancer way earlier than they do now!"
"I learnt from the best. We make a great team."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I submitted our report not soon after and Dr. Cresswell was amazed at the 'outstanding' results, in her own words.
"Thank you for NOT listening to me, young lady. You are a blooming young scientist. It's good to have you at the lab. I guess it is true that the youngest minds often have the most outrageous ideas."
I was flattered and expressed my appreciation of the compliments.
"Tell you what, Ms. Manzo. I have decided to hire you as a Research Assistant! That should give you a cushy salary of 20,000 a year."
The news was stunning. I was so happy to be making a difference, to be appreciated for my work, and to be good at what I was doing.
It was easy to forget about Matthew when I was in the lab.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, Sunny and I were having lunch, taking a break from lab work. Something had been eating my mind lately, and I felt the need to ask about it.
"Unnie.. do you have a boyfriend?"
"No! I only wish!", she laughed.
"Sorry, didn't mean to surprise you. I've just noticed that you and Dr. Rosewood seem to have a thing for each other."
She blushed a deep red.
"I know you're colleagues, but why don't you guys start going out? I know it's not my business or anything, but I think if you like someone and they like you.. it's worth giving love a shot!"
She opened her mouth to protest but I cut her off.
"And don't deny that you have feelings for him. It's written all over your face!"
She sighed, "Oh Shelley.. what will I ever do with you? Well.. I thought if he liked me, he would ask me out first."
"That's true.. but what if he doesn't know how to approach you because he's afraid to get rejected, or offend you or make you uncomfortable?
"Huh. I hadn't thought of that."
"Well then.. I think I may have to drop a hint there, work my magic and be a sort of matchmaker."
"Don't you dare!", she said panicked.
"I'm just kidding!"
Not.
"Whew. Now tell me about yourself, little one. When I was your age I had half a dozen love interests."
It was my turn to be embarrassed.
"You must have been so confused!"
"Um.. I don't know.. it was a lot of fun, actually! But this isn't about me. I remember you said you didn't have a boyfriend right now when I first asked you. But in high school?"
"Not really..", I meekly responded.
"Shelley! You need to get out more! Right now you're young and you should enjoy it. These precious years slip away quickly. You're really cute, brilliant and stylish!"
"Aww, thanks.."
It's adorable how she thinks I'm stylish.. I know I'm not but she knows it makes me happy when she says I am.
"Well, you are! Some boys have to be interested in you. What's holding you back?"
"I.. I've just been hung up on a guy I've known since I was a little girl. I've liked him since I was really young. He's the one whose family I'm staying with now."
"Well, that's perfect!! Have you seen him in his underwear?", she teased. "Has he gotten you in his bed yet?"
"Sunny!"
The image caused blood to rush to my face, and my heart became fuzzy with a familiar uneasiness and warmth.
She laughed loudly, "I'm just having a little fun pretending to be a bad influence, Shelley. You're such a pure soul, so young and innocent. But I still don't know why you aren't dating this boy yet. Is he shy? Are YOU shy?"
"It's complicated because he's not exactly straightforward. He's changed a lot from when I first knew him. But I'm still crazy about him, even though he treats me like I'm a walking joke."
"Why then do you harbor such feelings for him if he's such a.. a.."
"A jerk?"
"Yeah, exactly!"
"I don't know why! It's awful! I can hardly spend time outside the lab without him crossing my mind. And then he teases me or he does sweet things sometimes that just make me fall into his clutches again. It's dreadful. I'm just so.. entrenched in everything about him. Sometimes, it's like.. I hate the things he's saying but I love the way he's saying them.. if you have any idea of how I can get rid of this.. disease.. I would jump for it and trade my right leg for it too."
It was so refreshing to have some girl talk and get my thoughts off my chest.
Sunny looked at me thoughtfully, "Do you know what you need?"
"No, what?"
"You need to spend less time in the lab! Instead of spending your life here, just do your work quickly and get out of the lab to meet new boys. I don't know why you're so devoted to this guy, cause I've never had such a lasting interest in anyone. But I'll say from experience, that the best cure for a breakup is a new distraction."
"You mean, like.. a boy toy?"
"I don't know what that is..", she chuckled, "but judging from your expression that sounds about right."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was walking down the hallway of the main campus after lunch, Sunny's words brewing in my head. What a productive but exhausting day.
I passed by a bulletin board, with no real interest to it, when my eyes caught the word poetry on one of the big blue posters pinned to it. I walked back to read it more carefully and discovered that there's a poetry meeting every week this Fall, with singers, poets, spoken word artists all invited. And the first meeting was in two weeks which was perfect!
I took a picture of the poster and scanned over the other ones as well and saw that there was also a 'Couples Dancing' event every week hosted by the Stanford Department of Theater and Performance Studies. There was Ballroom, Tango, Swing, Waltz and Salsa.. sounds pretty thorough but I'm sure it'd be interesting.
Taking Sunny's advice in hand, I decided to try the couples' event first, and maybe consider the poetry sessions for next year. After all, singles were invited as well. I could probably get cozy with a new guy over there. My parents were crazy about ballet and I had taken lessons as a kid with Matthew so I wasn't half bad at dance either. Oh, those were good times..
But no thinking about Matthew! This was the whole point! I shook my head, taking another picture of the poster, and with a skip in my step, proceeded to go home with plans to have fun dancing this fall.. and maybe snag a cutie while I was at it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After signing up online, two weeks later, I was getting ready to go to the first Couples Dancing event. I had straightened out my hair and dug through my closet for an appropriate dress. I tried on a flashy, glittering body-con one first but discarded it immediately as I saw myself in the mirror. It was wayyy too soon for that. I switched out to a classier, feminine dress and headed to the practice room where the event would be held.
As I was walking down the street, there was a couple going the opposite direction and they started whispering as they saw me and started laughing. I wondered what that was all about. Whatever, it was probably because of my hair or something.
When I entered the room and took a spot in the back, I looked around in the mirror and noticed that everyone who came seemed to be part of a couple.. I hoped I wasn't the only single one there. I was feeling pretty awkward and wishing someone would talk to me, when a short blonde haired girl spotted me standing around and came to compliment my outfit.
"Thank you! Yours is beautiful too."
"I'm Anna, by the way."
"I'm Michelle, but my friends call me Shelley."
"Nice! I'm a senior in linguistics, how about you? Freshman? Sophomore? I don't think I've seen you around.."
And thus we started conversing about school, the lab, where we were staying, our future plans and all sorts. She offered to give me a sub-lease on her campus apartment as she was taking an exchange year abroad in Italy and I mentioned that commute was getting pretty hard with how many hours I was working at the lab.
"Um.. Anna. So, the dance is supposed to start soon.. are more people going to come?"
"Oh, you're worried you'll be alone. Don't worry, I'm willing to share Tim over here."
She pointed to the guy standing behind her, presumably her boyfriend.
"When school starts next week, there'll be a ton more singles that will join. Then you'll be in better company."
"I sure hope so.. It's really awkward being alone here.."
As I said that, someone tapped me on the shoulder and started,
"Who said anything about being alone, Red?"
I froze and turned after hearing them whisper in my ear. I couldn't believe it. The long blonde hair gave me flashbacks almost instantly to my near death experience just a few weeks ago.
"You- you're the guy from the airport!"
"Guilty as charged.", he flashed me a wink, "And since I'm the only other single in this room, I suppose you have no other choice but to dance with me."
FML.
So much for starting fresh.
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