Chapter 13: First tears
Li knew she had been changing. But she never felt it as strongly as she did that morning. She woke up reaching for her phone, typing the message through half open eyes, and only stopping while her finger rested on the send button.
"Good morning Vy."
She read the words on the screen, which changed as they arrived in her head. Can't wait to see you, she seemed to be saying. And that left her startled. And frightened.
She couldn't send the message. But all morning, the words were flying around in her head. By the time she walked into class, she was convinced that she had to see him. It was as if the devil in her heart had fully awakened, and was pushing her down a path she couldn't turn back from. And she was more than willing to walk the path to the very end.
While she waited for his arrival, she thought back to that night. They were talking as usual, about nothing of any real importance but still occupying all of their processing capability, as he called it. At midnight, he wished her on the clock turning to a new day. She laughed, and called him an idiot. And he said, he had something to say. Why wouldn't she be curious? She asked what. And he told her.
If, on that night, she had reacted differently, wouldn't things be different now? Why did she fall silent? Why did she feel so repulsed? She was the same girl. And if she cared so much about him now, didn't that mean she cared about him then too? Why did she react so strongly then?
"What's wrong?" Moni asked, nudging her.
Li was startled out of her thoughts. She shook her head, smiled at Moni. She was fine, she was saying silently. Moni didn't say anything, and she didn't look convinced. That was the thing about friends, they understood each other.
"Vy?" Moni asked.
Li shrugged, which was all the affirmation needed.
"I really don't get it," Moni said. "But I do understand. And you do too. You can't help it. You like him. Maybe more than you should. Maybe more than you realise you do. Maybe too much to go back. I know what he said. It was a mistake. Maybe he feels that way now. But that night, in that moment when he told you he liked you, he meant it. When he asked you out, he wanted to be more than friends. And maybe he feels that way now too, but is holding himself back. I don't know. And you won't know unless you talk to him. Not like last time. Like really talk. Tell him how you feel. Maybe he'll say no. Like you did. And then, you'd both be in the same boat. And you certainly won't be so lost in your head all the time."
Li was shaken by the advice. But she couldn't be deaf to it. Every moment the words lingered in her head, she was further convinced.
Morning turned into afternoon. He clearly wasn't coming to class. And Moni couldn't keep from voicing the words stabbing Li's head from within.
"Think he's with Dee? Maybe they're on a date."
Li glared at her friend, who smiled teasingly. Friends could be such a pain sometimes. She reached for her phone. But before she could type the message she wanted to send him, Moni spoke.
"Are you sure you want to do that? Disturb him on his date?"
Li glared again.
"What do you want me to do then?" She asked angrily.
"I don't want you to do anything," Moni replied innocently. "I'm just putting the words out. You can do whatever you want. Don't turn to me so you can lay the blame on me later."
"Then just shut up."
How could she send a message after that? And how could she erase the picture from her head, of Vy and Dee sitting across a table, looking into each other's eyes, smiling as if in love? How she be anything but restless through the rest of the day?
After dinner, she went to bed early. Addressing the concerned looks of her uncle and aunt, she said she was tired after an especially long day. They seemed to misunderstand that she was tired from studying, for they told her to rest well with smiles. She lay in bed, staring at her phone, waiting for his message.
Until that night, he always messaged her first. An hour was the longest he stayed silent, other than when sleeping. They would say the most inane things, just to fill in the message. I'm thirsty. I'm feeling like soda. I'm hungry for ice cream. I'm feeling blue today. I'm feeling yellow today. Those silly messages felt so endearing now. What happened to them? What happened to him? Just because she didn't say yes immediately, he would change so much? Wasn't she allowed to refuse first, before accepting?
Her eyes stung. She felt the tears slowly escape, as she pressed her lips tight to keep from crying out. She clenched her hands, as she felt the tightness in her chest. She cursed at him, as she wallowed in the painful sorrow.
And then, another thought occurred. Could it be that he was waiting for her to ask him out? Was he being petty like that?
It was as if a candle of hope was lit in the blinding darkness. She clung on to the hope desperately as she finally typed a message and hit send.
"I'm asking you out. Not taking no for an answer. Tomorrow. Evening. The pool bar."
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