Entertainment Star

LV 13

Electric_Jean

It's my story so it gets 5 star. It's a shameless thing to do. And to all the haters that want to hate, 'I don't care'. Thank you for reading.

LV 14

Shadowed_Fate

I'm in love with this story concept right now. Just a few critiques. The first is pacing. Take a moment to take it all in. Not all the time just every once in awhile. The second is descriptions. Descriptions do the heavy lifting for a reader's imagination. For example: "Jason went to the piano in the room and sat down in front of it." (Entertainment Star: Ch.3) This line could have been used to draw out more information to the reader. "Jason briskly turned toward the well-used piano on the far side of the room and flung himself to the much newer seat, careful not to hit the instrument in his rush." Whilst this is not perfect (and it never will be), this just adds a little more personality to what is going on. In my example, Jason is in rushed excitement to get to the piano, but not enough to ram into the clearly well-loved item. The piano is well used but has not been replaced even though there is a new seat in front of it. This gives the piano some story and attachment to the last owner. It could be a masterwork piece from a famous piano maker or it could have been his mother's before; so it has sentimental worth. Basically, give me something to chew on. Other than that, I like where I see this going. Keep up the good work. [img=recommend]

LV 15

daniel_lucas

First I want to say that I would like to read the next chapter when it comes out. The 3 out of 5 is because it has not had a chance to shine yet. It's your basic story so far