Chapter 23: Chapter 23 Extreme(-is) sheepherding
AN: This Omake was inspired by a reader on SpaceBattles asking what would happen if you were to enhance sheep with Extremis. This is my response.
"Captain's Log, Stardate 2023 by the reckoning of the native species in this solar system. We aboard the Undertaking are currently in stealth-mode above a planet designated 'Earth' by the local dominant species, it being the third body from a yellow star in the Sol system. It has one moon, which they seem to have dubbed 'Moon'. We have made a note of the extraordinarily unimaginative naming system this species has developed."
The captain shifted in his seat as he mulled over his next thoughts, the colourful lights on the ceiling and various control panels on the command deck making the myriad of badges on his maroon shirt glint with the movement.
"We have been sent by Star Command in order to verify rumours of cosmic level threats being spotted around the system, most of them originating from this planet. As a result, we have been observing these 'humans' as they have designated themselves. Our data suggests that they are still very primitive, though my Ensign has more information on that as he has been collecting data on their manners of production and consumption."
Looking up at said officer, the Captain furrowed the heavy pulsating ridge of thorny meat above his eyes that functioned as eyebrows, as he saw the youth sit completely frozen stiff behind his console, and lifting himself from his seat he made his way over to his subordinate.
"Ensign Mxcytlkg, what is the problem? I had expected your report a stoglh ago!" the Captain barked firmly, as his officer was usually very punctual, and to see the promising young male revert from such good habits would be a shame.
"My apologies, Captain Mrghldrft, but it is… it is…" the ensign said in a shocked tone of voice, prompting curiosity to rise within the aged captain, as his officers were usually more composed than that.
"What? What is it Ensign?"
"Well... I think it's best if I just showed you, Captain."
Bending a little forwards so that his six primary eyes had a better view of the screen which his Ensign was pointing at with his upper-diagonally left arm, the Captain allowed his upper mouth two twist into a grim line.
"What is so special about this, Ensign Mxcytlkg? Yes, they still rely on other sentient species for production of goods and consumption of energy, but while this is indeed primitive, I hardly see how this is anything truly extraordinary."
"It isn't that they rely on animals sir. It's the kind of animals."
"Whatever do you mean by that?"
In response, Mxcytlkg used his tertiary manipulators in order to bring a picture on the main screen, which Captain Mrghldrft recognized as being one of the local fauna. It had one head on a body which sprouted only four legs (all at the underside of the torso, which was weird but then nature did come in all shapes and sizes) and was save for its head completely covered in a thick, snowy white fur.
"Do you recognize this creature, Captain?"
"Yes, I do recall seeing something quite like it in an earlier report by my predecessor. What was it called again? A shah?"
"A sheep, sir."
"Aha! Yes, now I remember! Indeed, that is a sheep, but what is so special about it, Mxcytlkg? Our estimates have determined that even a child fresh from the egg would be able to swallow one of these whole without any adverse effects?"
"Maybe during the time of your predecessor, sir. But not anymore. They've… changed."
And before the Captain can ask what his officer meant with that ominous message, Ensign Mxcytlkg brought up what seemed to be live-footage of a human stepping into one of their funny looking vehicles, tearing away from its stationary position in a great cloud of reddish dust.
It was called a 'pick-up truck' if the Captain remembered correctly, though it was beyond him how these humans felt safe in such tiny contraptions of paper-thin materials.
Still, it wasn't the vehicle that caught his attention, or even the human, but what the human was chasing.
A sheep.
Or what he thought was a sheep, as it currently more resembled a charred, smoking bush filled with embers on four legs, and as it was running away from the truck, little pools of fire remaining in the landscape where the beast's hooves struck the ground.
And then it jumped.
A total of twenty finger bones (which translated to human measurements would be roughly equal to twenty feet).
"They aren't supposed to be able to do that? They aren't even supposed to look like that?" the Captain muttered confused to himself, but his Ensign had heard him and gave a worn-out sigh.
"It gets worse, sir."
Before the Captain could ask what his officer meant with that, he saw as the sheep (?) apparently got tired of being hunted by the small vehicle behind it, crashing to Earth and bracing itself where it stood as its impact threw up a great cloud of red sand.
The pick-up didn't slow down, however, hurtling towards the sheep at what the Captain would assume to be walking speed, its primitive engine roaring with all its might even as the animal remained standing and lowered its head.
Then it shot forwards in a blur, but while the Captain had expected a head-on collision, the human driving the tin bucket swerved at the last moment, making the loading bay at the back swerve out, which the sheep hit with its full might, instead of striking the cockpit.
The truck was nearly flipped onto its side, but after a few precarious moments, it crashed back down to earth again, a smouldering dent in its side. However, the sheep hadn't gotten away scot-free either, as it seemed somewhat dazed from the harsh impact.
The human (who by some miracle was completely unharmed) jumped out of his vehicle with a spring in his step and a length of chain in his hands, which he quickly wrapped around the smoking sheep (and the Captain finally understood why it was smoking: newly grown fur was torched by what seemed to be an extremely high body temperature, only to immediately grow back, leaving the animal perpetually smouldering) and made to throw it in the back of the truck.
However, the sheep didn't concede the battle so easily, and squiriming in the human's arms, the animal turned to face its captor, opened its mouth and unleashed a great bout of flame bursting forth from its jaws.
"Crikey!"
The human ducked underneath the lance of fire just in time to not lose his head (though his leather hat unfortunately perished) before he wrestled the sheep to his truck, giving the animal a firm swat upside the head when it tried to breathe fire once more. Giving a streak of curses, the man threw the sheep into the back of the loading area of his vehicle, after which he dusted off his hand with a satisfied expression on his face.
This time the captain opened all of his sixteen mouths in order to thunder across the deck (in keeping with the annoyed requests of his engineers he would refrain from adding the lightning this time) when he was stopped from doing so by his Ensign placing the top of his head (where his face was) in the palms of his feet (as those were geographically closer to the head area than any of its arms) and giving a wrung-out sob.
Which was impressive, as they didn't have any bodily fluids to speak of.
"It gets worse."
Despite the sheer impossibility of those ridiculous words, the Captain couldn't help but return his attention back to the main screen, where he could see that the human was being hailed on some sort of communication device.
"Ya, what do ya want, mate?"
Because they had hacked the entirety of the human communication systems when they had arrived here (though the ship had said multiple times that it now felt… unclean, even after they flew it through the star a couple of times for a good scrub) they could pick up the words from whoever was at the other end of the conversation.
"Yeah Dave? It's me mate. Look, we got a fire down south 'o here. Ya think ya can come down and help us out?"
"Yeah sure, what happened this time?"
A long suffering sigh was the humans only answer, before his conversation partner decided to elaborate.
"One of our bloody sheep sneezed again."
"Yeah that would do it. Right, I'm on my way."
"Thanks a lot mate!"
And with that the human got back into his truck, cheerfully making his way to where the ship's sensors showed vast swathes of grasslands being consumed by an inferno, the man appearing completely unbothered by that fact.
"By the stars of the twenty-seventh and a half dimension, what are those people, that they willingly keep such animals? Are they monsters? Super soldiers? Experiments gone wrong?" the Captain asked, aghast, his heart hammering in his left knee from shock.
"It's worse than that sir." Ensign Mxcytlkg said with big fat tears rolling down his face, which was impressive, considering his lack of tear ducts.
"They're Australians."
For a moment, all was silent on the deck of the Undertaking, before the Captain stoically made his way towards his command chair, where he pressed a button with the tip of his sole finger.
+ Attention, crew of the Undertaking, this is your Captain speaking. Shore-leave has been suspended, immediately. Thank you. We shall make our return to Star Command within the next planetary revolution as we got all the data we require to make our report. At ease. +
Later that Galactic Week, a thorough report was expected by the officials high-up in Star Command. Instead they merely got a single sheet, with three short little sentences on it, though the last one was considered the most ominous the prestigious Galactic governing body had received in the last 287,678,954 years, 8 months, 3 hours and 28 minutes.
"STAY AWAY. THEY ARE ALL INSANE. THEY HAVE AUSTRALIANS."
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