Chapter 3: Chapter 2: Strange Customers (You’re clearly a strange person too, you maniac)
The Malmart song
(to the melody of YMCA)
"Shoppers, there's no need to feel down
I said, shoppers, pick your bags off the ground
I said, shoppers, 'cause you're in a new store
There's no need to be unhappy
Shoppers, there's a place you can go
I said, Shoppers, when you're short on your dough
You can shop here, and I'm sure you will find
Many different great supplies
Shop! Shop! Shop! Shop!
It's fun to shop at the nearest Malmart
It's fun to shop at the nearest Malmart
They have everything you need
You can hang out with all the staff
It's fun to shop at the nearest Malmart
It's fun to shop at the nearest Malmart
You can cross off your list, you can have a good deal
You can get all your groceries here"
When walking in a store one can often hear an announcement coming on over a loudspeaker. Often the announcement will be something along the lines of "this is just a quick reminder that the store will be closing in 15 minutes, thank you" or maybe more like an advertisement "Give joy, get joy, shop with us for the Holiday sales for a 40% off discount just in time for the holidays! Falalalala, lalalalala". Malmart also had such loudspeaker announcements, and though they had the typical reminder announcements, their advertisement announcement was a bit more…unique… If you are guessing that the song above is this such advertisement, then, sadly enough, you are correct. As I am sure many of you have gathered by now, Malmart is a rather cringey store, based on the most recent information I have given you, along with your prior knowledge about the ghastly uniforms. However, this is not accurate. No, Malmart is a VERY cringey store, For not only are the uniforms clashing red and green but during the holidays (which according to Malmart should start in early november when the last of the halloween stuff are still up), workers have to wear jingling golden bells on their uniforms and are not even allowed to remove them until late February. And if you thought that was all? you were very wrong indeed, for the poor excuse for a parody that is shown above, is played not every 3 hours, not every 2 hours, but every single hour. This seems like the worst job in the world, but I haven't even told you the worst part. Every day at exactly noon, when the song comes on, all of the staff have to start dancing to the song, their miserable holiday bells jingling as they dance. As I relate to you the sad reality that was a Malmart staff members job, I feel pity for every single one of them, well actually, I don't feel pity for one of them, Smith Jackson. If anything, if it were up to me (which thankfully for him it wasn't) I would make the song come on every 10 minutes, and make him dance every time. He has caused us so much pain, and you won't find out what I meant by us until some part more near to the end, that not even the most cringey embarrassing amounts of pain would give him what he deserves. Although, it certainly might make me feel a little better, to see him dancing in a blindingly awful uniform, to probably the most cringey song ever, to hear the pained jingling of bells, over and over and over again. And I am willing to bet, that at the end of this story, that you would want to join me, to laugh at that embarrassing sight.
"I'm sorry ma'am, but you can't return the used soap from a year ago." Our filthy main character repeated for the third time, though it felt like the fiftieth.
"That is not fair! I have only used it twice! Are you trying to rip me off?" The woman cried in a screechy voice, her saggy face red and blotchy with anger. She looked like an overweight sunburned pig, that is, if pigs had ugly squashed faces. Her nostrils flared as her small deep-set beady eyes wrinkled with anger.
"Look, I am sorry ma'am but you don't have a receipt and anyway we don't do return policies with certain products, such as soap," Smith said. Customers like this made him just want to lie down for a day, and speculate wether or not the human race was doomed and soon to be overrun by their own stupidity. Of course, that shouldn't be his concern, no our top priority is getting rid of poisonous snakes like him. Of course, he didn't get to spend a day wasting away on his couch, because Malmart didn't offer many vacation days.
Smith took a deep breath in, and looked up at his steaming customer. Just what he expected. Her eyes were bulging slightly as her lip quivered menacingly. He almost mouthed the words that were, in a split second, spilling out of her mouth. " I need to talk with the manager," she growled, with a sigh Smith looked straight at her.
"The manager isn't here at the moment, they are at another store. However, even if you were to speak with him, it wouldn't make a difference. Our return policy doesn't cover this item is used. If you don't believe me and would like to be sure, please ask anyone of my fellow staff." Smith recited. He didn't even need to think about that sentence, it was engraved into his mind so deep, that whenever someone, even outside of the store was being difficult, he had to bite his tongue from saying it. The look on the woman's face at that moment is a little bit hard to describe, but, she did look a lot like a frog who had just had a fly escape. Mouth open, a defeated look, and rather ugly. There, I think that's the most I can describe it, but I think that it gave you enough context. With a snort of disgust (that was rather disgusting itself) this horrid customer left our (rather horrid himself) main character alone.
Smith let out a sigh of relief. Thank goodness that's over, it had been a rough 7 minutes for Smith, though, not at all new or surprising. In fact, it had become a rather usual part of his routine, to be yelled at by stupid customers, and he may have seen this very customer a few times before. He looked up at the person who was next in line, an apologetic smile on Smith's face (don't be fooled, he is never really truly sorry about anything, at least not in my experience). Suddenly, a wave of surprise splashed over him. This customer, he was familiar…. But where from? Suddenly he realized exactly where he had seen him before.
I think this is a good time to stop and point something out before we go any further. Because of the title of this chapter and approximately the last three pages of this chapter, it is easy to assume that the strange customer we are talking about, is this toad-like woman. Gosh, here we go again, assuming stuff, you guys aren't very smart are you. But then again, I really can't say anything, because despite learning my lesson so many times, here I go again assuming things myself. Assuming that you aren't very smart, and assuming that you were assuming. I am really very sorry, about being such a hypocrite and taking so long to explain something so simple. Actually, I take that back, after all, you are still reading this. But back to the point, assuming that you were assuming, I am going to have to clarify something. The strange customer that is the subject of the title of this strange chapter, is in fact not who I assumed that you assumed it was. For, the real topic of that title, has just barely made an appearance a couple of seconds ago, filling Smith with that cliffhanger feeling off recognition and surprise. Oh, and speaking of cliffhangers, guess who just made you wait for the answer to that rising surprise? Who do you assume, and this is one of those times your assumption will most likely (again not assuming) be correct. Me. And I am not even the slightest bit sorry.
The wanted poster. He had seen it up on the billboard near his apartment complex. Why had he remembered this wanted poster? I mean, it had been half a year ago. Suddenly it all came rushing back to him, yes, that's why he remembered it. The reward. It was so much money, it could change so much in Smith's life. That day he had wished and wished that he could find the criminal. However, he had soon stopped wishing, as he realized how nearly impossible that would be. Besides, when he found the criminal, what would he even do? If he reported the sighting, the criminal would be sure to escape again, and he couldn't just tell him to get in the car, I mean, if the criminal was worth that much, he had to be dangerous. Smith snapped out of his daze as he realized that he had been staring at the customer and that he had been staring back. Muttering a rushed apology under his breath Smith proceeded to check out the items the customer had brought to him for purchase.
For such an unusual customer, this man was buying rather ordinary things, milk, eggs, a box full of new sponges, and, oh wait, that wasn't very normal at all. Lots and lots of bandages. I mean, who in the world needs 5 boxes of bandages. That's when he noticed it. The bruise on the side of the man's face, the reddish tint on the man's shoulder, the way he leaned to one side as if to avoid putting his weight on one foot, and how he hadn't removed his hand from his pocket the entire time he had been there. Smith quickly hurried up the purchases, hoping that the man had not noticed the glance he had taken at him. Smith looked up and almost sighed in relief, he was looking somewhere else, outside the window. Suddenly picking up the bag of things he had brought to counter, he rushed to the door, in a panic, forgetting to pay Smith.
Shocked, Smith stood there for a moment, before realizing that he had to go after this potentially dangerous criminal and ask him to pay for his groceries. "Sir wait!" he called out "you forgot to pay!". But he didn't respond, either he hadn't heard him, or was just too panicked to respond, for the man continued to hurriedly walk to the door. "Sir wait!" Smith called out again running towards the door. Too late, the man had already walked out of the door. But Smith wasn't ready to give up, still shouting he ran after the man outside, he wasn't ready to get fired for letting a criminal run away without paying. The man was taking hurried long strides, his eyes glued to the corner of the street as if he had just seen someone turn the corner, and was following them. Smith took a few moments to look around, the customer had disappeared past a crowd of tourists walking by. Then he saw the familiar old brown coat and scraggly brown hair. Sprinting he caught up to the man who had just turned the corner, "Sir you forgot to pay," he said grabbing his arm. Smith's mouth dropped open. Before him, he now saw three people, the man who had forgotten to pay, and two women. The first woman looked somewhere in her early 20's and completely unfamiliar, though rather startled from the look on her face, but it wasn't her who had made Smith's mouth drop open. No, it had been the second woman, the one closest to him. What was so startling about this person? Well, he had seen her recently, in fact, it had been just this morning when she had run into him on his way to work.
Everything seemed to go still for a moment. There was so much shock and tension in the air, that it made breathing rather difficult, almost choking. Smith's eyes were now almost as open in shock as his mouth, he couldn't move, he couldn't scream, he didn't even have the power to let out a week stutter. Finally, after what seemed like forever, he managed to clamp his mouth shut and swallow down some of the shock (much as you or I would swallow down a piece of dry fish, particularly if it sticks in your throat). What could he say? I mean, now that he pried his eyes off of their faces, he saw glinting knifes in the first women's hands, and in the man's hand, the one that had not been tucked inside his pocket, was a gun, his finger on the trigger, and the other women…. Well, he couldn't even bring himself to look at her. He felt the words "who are you" fluttering to the roof of his shut mouth, but before he could let them out, the man spoke. He had a rather deep and rough voice that fit his outward appearance. "You have no business following us. Get out, and we won't harm you". Smith nodded vigorously (paying for groceries didn't seem too important to him anymore) before starting to back up and turn around, his eyes took a daring glance at the familiar women again. She was definitely the same one, she looked too shocked to speak as if still finding her voice to say something. His heart beating in his throat, pounding in his head, he quickly looked away and started running, though he found that he had to concentrate to make his legs move, the adrenaline in his blood not having taken action yet. Everything was a haze, the only thing in his mind, was the pounding of his heart on the pavement, the pounding of his legs in his chest. -Oh, wait, I got that wrong, I meant to say that the other way around. Although now that I think about it, there is something rather appealing about pounding his heart on the pavement.
Then he heard something, the familiar women behind him had spoken, "Wait! You can't let him go, he has seen too much!". Horror seemed to almost root him to the spot, but he knew that he couldn't stop running, he couldn't, he shouldn't. But it wouldn't have mattered much if he, this filth some main character, had stopped. Almost a split second later, he was thrown off his feet and onto the ground, pain searing through his body as it made contact with the rough cement (I wish I could toss him on to the pavement like that, over and over and over again). And then, everything went dark, his mind went blank. Nothing could be heard, except the faint incomprehensible murmurs of panic.
I think, that I might have a vague idea about what you are thinking right now: Wow, weirdest customer ever. They get 5 boxes of bandages, run out in panic, smell like blood, point a gun at you, and then, then they kidnap you. And the worst thing is, they didn't even pay you! Ok, perhaps you were not thinking that you could have been thinking about the irony in the fact that your feet smell and your nose runs. Although I am fairly certain that right now you are realizing just how ironic that is, maybe you are laughing, and, if you don't have your shoes on and are safe from judgemental eyes, you are smelling your foot right now and realizing that I am correct. Just kidding… although your foot probably does smell, I can't just go around assuming things right now, can I? But in any case, if Smith had been nearly conscious enough to think, and maybe speak, he would have thought or said, "darn, this really is one strange customer". Actually no, that wouldn't make sense. He probably would have been screaming.
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