Chapter 5: Silent gestures
As whimsical as I was, looked by then, I was not. I was a very good, food eater but still I couldn't made myself fat enough, my luck or else, I was aiming to became a rikishi or sumo wrestler, I was young, energetic under 23 years of age and I might get lucky to be a professional sumo. To became a sumo wrestler, I needed to learn only Japanese language and gain weigh 75 kg. Height 173 cm or taller which I was then and age under 23 years, so, I'd both advantageous but whatever I did, nothing added to my weight. It was my alternative dream that if I couldn't get any better options other than becoming a sumo wrestler then I'll be a playwright or dramatist. So, I got involved with our school magazines from my junior school. I was a good student, I didn't know how but I was as my results showed. My teachers suggested me to get involved in drama as an actor rather than a writer. They thought I would become a famous actor more than as a scriptwriter. It was true in a sense that my writing was very hard to understand for normal people that most of my friends couldn't interpret what I meant, even it was a love story. I was fully aware about that I was needed to study more for becoming a successful idealistic, poetical and romanticised as a writer. I had to focus on girls to understand the feelings of love. As I was born priest by nature, it was quite remarkable experiences for me. Girls never found anything interesting on me, so, I was relieved at that point. To make my poetic sense more romantic, I tried to walk in the garden on the early morning. For me, it was not a problem, day or night, I could change my habits whenever I wanted to. It was then when I saw her, my first sight crush.
That day, I was walking around on my terrace garden, beautiful as it could be, pretty cute flowers everywhere, surrounded by glass fences, rainy or sunny, my terrace was a small heaven for me, when I saw long-legged, slenderly girl, was standing on my neighbour's building, on her frill casual t-shirt and shorts, my inner voice was singing. I could have never imagined I had a neighbour like that. I could see her half naked ass from my terrace. I normally couldn't see clear without my specs but that morning, I was undeniably seeing her shiny, pulpy, soft white ass. It might be a miracle but I saw that, the loose frill of her shirt slowly moving back and forth, waving to chanting my mind on her ass. It was my first crush. Then I realised that I was kooky nutter about her ass, felting guilt about my gayness. She was talking with her boyfriend, she was crying a lot, silently screaming, she was in some kind of a problem that I couldn't listen from the other side of her neighbouring house. That day, I was fully obsessed with her. Her crying face , her situation, what was she into? I couldn't concentrate on my projects of school work. Festive season, there were tons of work, I had to do them in time schedule, then that happened. I was nearly suffocating in my school that day, to know about what happened to her? Then I saw my friend from my neighbourhood, I asked about her to know who was she? He said, she was a friend of his cousin, stayed with them for a night, came here with her friends, she was sobbing for something but without saying anything she left, so, he couldn't ask about her anything further. With first crushing crashed news, I went to my usual, normal, daily life. My writing was poetically suffocated by my broken heart.
Later, a month after that incident, my friend told me that she got pregnant by her boyfriend on that early age, so, to keep their first born child, she was forcing him to get married but he refused it. She got so upset that took several sleeping pills at once which caused her an abortion and she was admitted in asylum later for that incident. I was so disappointed by the frustrating truth that scared me horribly. It nearly annihilated me. As a man, I felted regretful then. What worst could it be if women were secured, well treated and cared by the loyalties of men, is it too hard to be a kind considerate person or being passionate about your lover or family? I still couldn't understand all reasons behind being unfair? I just learned that men were a child that's never going to grow old and mature, always halfway to be a perfect, matured, grown man. It was becoming rare this days.
Meanwhile, I was moving out from my hometown, to forget about all these nastiness that's making me distracted and disgusted. I was trying to be a romantic playwrighter but the reality was killing my romanticism. After that I never came back to my hometown, my first sight of her from buttock to face, her luring to crying, then suicide to asylum, really I was frustrated about mankind. I was distressed by the fact that I was a man too that lacked of making man more aware of their sexuality, sexual needs and control, premature pregnancies and physical and mental violences.
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