Chapter 7: I give in
In sadness and resignation I started walking down to my own room with only one question in mind, why. Why do I have to suffer this way? why do I have to be the one disappointed always? Why is nothing good coming my way? why can't I be brave? Why does everyone leave me behind?
As I walked and pondered on this questions a bus came in sight and I had two options. To smile like I always did pretending everything was alright with me when it was not, or to jump into the road and die, finally having my peace. Finally giving in to Pain.
Oh you know what to do Lora. Jump in front. Give in Lora! Take your goddamn life so that I can move on to the next person. Why are you being stubborn? Can't you see that no one loves you. No one would ever love you. You cannot be saved. You are alone. Go on, , , , tick tick, Jump.
I exhaled.
I had become so tired of fighting pain, so so tired I might just as well give in. I had lost all the will to keep fighting. He is stronger after all. Why should I keep fighting him.
If my spirit was already dead why should my body live?
There were two life changing options before me, two options that would change my life forever, either I smile and forget or I cross and die.
Cross
Cross, cross, cross. Pain sang uncontrollably.
My senses were reverberating, his voice kept drowning me in an ocean of my own uncertainties.
So I did what any other person in my position would have done knowing that If you are dead on the inside there was no need to live. Self deceit was the worst kind of deceit and I have gotten tired of engaging it.
Why live in pretense? why not die in truth, being who you are? Weak and enslaved?
Humans were afraid of dying but I was afraid of living, does it make me inhuman, the fact that I wished only to die.
I was a piece of art, too broken to ever be fixed and whoever tries to fix me would bleed from my sharded pieces.
Funny enough, No one has tried fixing me, No one. So I was the only one bleeding, alone. All the blood and hope have over time been drained from my body.
Time and time again I have only known pain as a companion. He was the one who chose never to leave and I had no choice but to embrace him since he was the only one who chose to stay.
I hated each morning that I woke up and each breath I took. I simply hated my existence. I hated the world and everything in it, I hated me. I was tired of living with so much hate, put in simple terms I was tired of my life. With all of this sorrow I made my choice and it became clearer. I chose to cross.
In the moments before my departure, I felt more clarity than I had ever felt in my dull life. In one minute, I will be free from the voices, from the pain, from the world, from me, And from you Pain.
"I can't wait." Pain said all smiles. He brushed the hair on my skin with his hard palms and whispered again in my ears. "Do it Lora. It is the right thing to do. Take your life it will make me very happy. I know you want to be free from me and this is the only way you can be free of me. This is the only way. Do it. Take your life."
I crossed to die, but I did not die.
Do you remember that feeling you had every Christmas when you were a little child and still believed in Santa and in fairy god mothers who bring toys to little children? You should remember it's an unforgettable feeling.
Do you remember that feeling of unending joy and happiness you had when you waited for Santa to give you your long awaited present? Oh! you can't even begin to forget the joy. It was so pure, such an untainted feeling.
That's exactly the same feeling I had as I was about crossing the road. It was nostalgic, never have I been so happy, so relieved.
When I crossed the bus was close and I was sure that It was going to definitely hit and crush me. I was so sure and I was so happy. My gift stood in front of me wrapped in glitters.
I wasn't crossing with the intention of going to the other side of the road. I was crossing with the intention of going up to God to finally ask him all the questions that have been bothering me. All the questions that I couldn't get an answer to on earth.
I doubted if the bus could crush me anymore then I've already been crushed by life and pain, oh yes I have been crushed by the earth and stepped on by God like I was nothing only a grain of sand. With all my doubts I still crossed only to pulled of the road by a pair of firm hands.
It was the very first time I did not desire to be saved so I was pissed. Furious.
Weekly Power Status
-- Power
Ranking 
-- Power
stone