Chapter 1: Chapter One

I looked at her. She was beautiful in my eyes. She stared back. Does she know? I wondered. Appu smiled. I went and touched her hands. It felt so good to touch her and she liked it too. She was a social human being who loved to connect. But, for me it wasn't that. The touch made me feel reassured. made me feel loved. She again smiled. These sentences are too long. I looked at her eyes. she was so beautiful. we didn't talk again. it was awkward. it was always awkward. but i held her hand and went to hug her. just it was like that with her. we never talked. i tried to talk about movies. she liked movies. and she told me the plot of a movie. but i got bored and just laid my face on her shoulder and brought her close once again. are you feeling bored, she asked. a little, i said. i had a crush on her, but i was truthful. maybe it put her out. but i don't lie. it's easier not to, i think. she said, let me lie down for some time. clearly, a bad sign now. i can't do anything. I'm a bit bummed. i ask her cheekily, do you want to lie on my lap. no, she says. fuck it, i think. why did she hold my hand in the first place. okay then, i said and adjusted. then, she could have sat separately and not have taken my hand, i again thought. i was sad and i kept on rambling in my head. but, of course she couldn't lie down and sleep. things were getting more and more uncomfortable. it was eerily quiet. and i think i had started to hallucinate. not a good idea, my mind insisted. hold on as much as you can, it said. and within a few moments, appu was next to me. apparently lying on my shoulder. you can't say if it's real, right. then i told her. i was like fuck it. we're in a soundproof chamber. we'll probably die of madness anyway. i said, appu, look at me. i gently touched her cheek with my palm and said i like you a lot, no, i love you. and i stared into her eyes, begging and also wondering whether her touching her face was a bad idea at the moment. she looked back. it was a pretty horrible environment outside us. i started hearing all sorts of sounds and she also started to, i think. i hope it helps me, i thought. maybe she'd be tricked. maybe she'd feel a pseudo-love. i just wanted some recognition from her. anything. she had experienced loneliness just like i had. i had felt a connection. we had nothing to talk about. we couldn't make a conversation. but we both knew what it felt to be abandoned. i wanted this. i needed this.