Chapter 8: That's Weird.
I feel fine right now. Okay, not that fine, maybe leaning just a little to the negative side. I don not know what else to say. I mean I havwe no frustration to let out today. so, there you go.
But I want to talk about some thought that I once entertained. And it is something really dystopian that I almost always needed to subdue the thought into the deepest recesses of my mind.
And the thought is this, that I somehow, someway, would really just like to see the world burn. And as for why is that? well it probably arose because of the need to give justice to what I feel like life just giving it to you , you know, the lemonest of lemons.
It was a really attractive idea at that time, so attractive in fact once it somehow rooted itself in my head that one time, it invaded real quick and branched out from just the plain 'whys' and 'what ifs' abstract of wanting to watch the world burn, to almost immediately tranforming into the 'hows' and 'what to do to get there' so that the world and civilization as we know it, really do burn to the ground.
Pretty grand delusions for an unemployed gasbag like me. But I seriously did contemplate the ways and means I could possibly achieve that pretty dark thought. And as for what I ideas I had, well if I can just keep it to my self, thank you very much. Even worse I actually thought that if I pursued that really destructive idea to its logical conclusion for real, it was actually really much easier to do than, frankly, trying to work hard and trying to succeed in life. And I seriously felt that at that time.
As you can see whatever I thought at that time never came to fruition clearly, because I am just writing to you about that experience now.
And what made me change my mind on the ideas I have fabricated? Another thought of course.
And it goes something like this, if I burn this world, I did push through somehow, to the ground, and clearly I am also an inhabitant of this world, it would be common sense reasoning that I must also be affected by what happens. But here is the catch, I do not want to be affected nor do I have the means to make sure I am not affected. Therefore the conclusion I landed on was to not harbor the thought pf wanting to see the entire human order burn to the ground.
It's quite a ridiculous experience to be honest, that dark and dangerous thought is still there running around in my head and it's just me trying my best to make sure it does not surface again.
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