Chapter 1: Wanders: I'm Alive
Disclaimer: The following entry maybe triggering as it displays mild depictions mental illness, depression and, anxiety. Please read at your own risk.
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I recently had crippled over depression and anxiety for the past years, unbeknownst to me. The first concrete evidence was when I was at a young age of 9, scars tampered upon my wrist in a suicidal attempt due to bullying and lack of parental guidance, among other things. I'm 22 years old now, a college student from the eastern part of the world pursuing a numbing degree about maths and businesses, and the past 13 years is a cumulative growth of sadness, despair and mental illness.
It was hard, and stupid, seeing the past in my current standpoint. I, currently, am living happily now, smiling, energetic and positive, the entire opposite of the Clyde who was seen and known by all the world before. It was nothing short of a miracle—the world descriptive of its own's slow agonizing death and yet here I am, dazzlingly jumping around with the warmth of gratitude enveloping my heart.
I have decided to make a tinyletter account to be able to mold my thoughts into organization. I am aware of how disruptive my mind could be starting from decision-making up to the little realizations and I feel that creating a safe space towards self assessment and cognition will solve the puzzles throughout my inner universe as the case maybe.
I achieve to write my reflections and realizations within the day that I have thought of it, so please be patient if I send in entries randomly.
Reflection # 1: I'm alive.
March 16, 2018, I had the attached image made and had it posted in my instagram. I made a poem out of it and it was written as follows:
"CHOICES
There are only three choices left in my head:
One was to live
Flee into the remote corners of the world
Grant the isolation I have always come to conquer
Derive all feelings therein of torn asunder
Cast the world into a blur
Two was to escape
Flee into the remote corners of the world
Grant the isolation I have always come to conquer
Derive all feelings therein of torn asunder
Cast the world into a blur
Three was to die
Flee into the remote corners of the world
Grant the isolation I have always come to conquer
Derive all feelings therein of torn asunder
Cast the world into a blur"
I was contemplating about life and death at that certain moment. I remembered how I was at the third floor of our school's building and I have dared imagine myself jumping off the window. I kept on saying to myself that it's stupid. All I'll be ever receiving is a broken limb or two, a trip to a hospital for a week break at best and newfound expenses to incur. So I climbed down the stairs and decided to write a poem to myself. About the 3-point states that I am taking myself in.
I'm glad I chose the first.
1 year and 12 days later,
I started to see things differently and I have followed my advice unknowingly.
"One was to live"
I used to ask what does it mean to live and how could I derive such notion into my head when we're bound to die in the future anyways? I have come to realize that living is not about finding an end goal and grandeur purpose.
It's about accepting the fact that you are constantly 'finding' or in most cases, consumed in the feeling of being 'lost'. Because usually, when we thought that we've finally achieved our purpose in life towards the reason of being, we end up craving for more, seeking for more, and eventually losing our way more. Such is the nature of human consumption: We have an unending wants and needs.
Everyday, we grant ourselves one certain goal towards moving forward such as:
I must wake up.
I should be fixing my bed.
I should be brushing my teeth.
I should be checking my bird app.
Such little actions are decisions that you have made up in your mind towards achieving and it has the same format towards doing things towards a grandeur scale such as:
I will be waking up to set my day.
I will be fixing my bed to be able to welcome myself towards a neat one later on when I'm about to sleep
I will be brushing my teeth to avoid cavities.
I will be checking my bird app to check if my faves are livin' happily and well.
It may seem little—an ordinary effect from an ordinary cause. But you know what the difference is? You are living the moment you are in. Because there lies a reason to everything that you do. And someday, somehow this practice will form into a realization that, indeed, everything happens for a reason.
"Flee into the remote corners of the world
Grant the isolation I have always come to conquer"
I left people who have intoxicated me amidst in their own abusive shadows.
Shadows exist in each one of us and yet, we persist to discard it into our own systems as it is obstructed by the open society. However, times exist that such shadows hurt other people unknowingly despite how much we try to repress and avoid it within.
Since everything happens for a reason, there is a reason you've been hurt and there's also a reason you've hurt anybody without any ill intention to do so. I have met wonderful people in the past and yet I have seen beyond what was intended to see, thereby causing me pain and anxiety. So the best solution was for me to heal, seclude myself from the rest of the world. Such isolation made me realize things I hadn't yet perceived and the recourse I have found helped me analyze that the dark is a part of life's spectrum. It is there and it is needed to encompass its beauty.
"Derive all feelings therein of torn asunder
Cast the world into a blur"
I have come to a mutual understanding with myself that my feelings such as sadness, despair and, depression had to be acknowledged. Mirrors exist for you to look at yourself and come into a conclusion that you are you, all the existing demons, shadows, happiness and light. All these multitude of scatterred pieces of me who are deemed to be of varying traits equates to a single being—me. I used to see myself as a speck of dust, relying of the quantities the universe make of its existence. But I have come to realize that out of the indefinite numbers of beings that the universe has, there is only one, unique me.
Thereby if you're around all those who have not believed and all of those who have not seen you otherwise for your own worth: deflect their opinions, deflect their actions. But acknowledge their existence so that you can return and say to them that you have done well. You're still in the process of creating your ideal you. Just be a little more patient.
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