Chapter 34: Let your heart breathe
The last time he came close to the end of his life, he had been too young to understand. He remembered feeling frightened, but Kaoru hadn't known why.
People always said that you fear the unknown, so vast and beyond mortal comprehension.
He didn't think that was true, when he finally understood what the fear was for.
It was about leaving someone behind. About moments which haven't been lived. Any pain which he could cause. Was there something which he had forgotten to do? Would he have another chance?
He had slept surprisingly well and woke before dawn. Keigo was still asleep in the spare bed.
Kaoru eased out bed quietly, careful not to disturb Keigo. He pulled out the notepad and pen he always carried in his bag.
Slipping back under the blanket, he penned three letters.
The first two were to each of Nakamura and Miyagi. He apologized for not informing them. He reminisced a little about their schooldays and wished them well for their futures. He couldn't have found better friends and he was profoundly grateful.
Then Kaoru paused and looked at Keigo. He didn't quite know where to begin. When he told Keigo that he loved him, the other man looked as if he was struck with pain.
In return, Kaoru's emotions scattered into pieces.
He picked up the pen and before he knew it, his words had filled a page. He was careful not to have it stained with any tears.
He wished Keigo a happy life. He hoped that Keigo would find another person, stronger and healthier, to spend his days with. He didn't want Keigo to grieve for him. Because Kaoru had been so blessed already to have him, however short their time might be.
He wanted Keigo to know that meeting him was the best thing that had ever happened to him.
Folding the three letters neatly, Kaoru wiped his eyes and got out of bed again to place them in his bag. Sunlight cracked through the curtains.
"You're up early," Keigo's voice, laced with sleep, interrupted him. "What are you doing?"
Kaoru swung around and halted for a second. Then he admitted a little nervously, "I wrote some letters."
That banished any sleepiness from Keigo, who now studied him alertly. "Letters?"
"For you to open if..." Kaoru didn't finish the sentence.
Keigo crossed the room quickly and pulled him into a fierce embrace. "You don't need them. I don't need them. You can tell me in person after the surgery."
Beneath the stubborn and confident exterior, Kaoru could sense something more fragile.
"It's just in case," he whispered. "You have it all the time in your work..what do you call them again..?"
"Contingency planning," Keigo supplied and then drew back to look him in the eye. "I'll gladly burn those letters together with you after today."
Kaoru's eyes misted again. He enveloped Keigo's back with his arms and rested his head on the chest he knew so well. He heard the strong beating of the heart of the man he loved so much.
He prayed and hoped that his own would stay just so.
They stood there for a while.
xxxxxxxx
The wait was intolerable. In a morbid moment, Keigo's mind formed a picture of Kaoru being rolled out of the operating theatre. His body pale and cold. Lifeless and immobile.
He wanted to throw up.
Then he thought about the contents of Kaoru's damn letter. The idiot would probably tell him to take care of himself. To move on. To be happy.
He wouldn't know how.
Next to him, Takumi sat in silence. He didn't offer any words of comfort. He knew that Keigo wouldn't hear them.
Keigo couldn't be touched right now.
Even the nurses or hospital staff passing by the hallway steered clear of them. It was as if they could sense the immobility within him.
Takumi had never seen Keigo so…out of control. Oh, he was still sitting in an impossibly elegant posture on the hospital's plastic chair. His expression impassive. But occasionally, his eyes flickered to the operating theatre's door.
Keigo had not uttered a word since Kaoru went into surgery.
Then finally, he said quietly, "I..would like to be alone."
It was not that he was ungrateful. Takumi knew that. However, Keigo was proud and did not like to display weakness. Kaoru was probably the only person who had ever seen a softer side to the outwardly confident and blazing demeanor.
Keigo was on the verge on breaking down and he did not want any witnesses.
Takumi nodded and told him, "Call me."
"Ah."
He walked away and right when he turned the corner of the corridor, he saw Keigo covered his face with his hands.
Weekly Power Status
-- Power
Ranking 
-- Power
stone