Chapter 17: A flashback
04 May, 20xx
Dear diary,
I don't know how should I describe this. I am absolutely worthless. I had a life, but I destroyed it, everything I had is no longer with me, because I took everything for granted. I wonder if anything will be right back there where it was. I think it won't.
I want to go back to time to mend everything I did wrong. Mom and Dad are in trouble, everything is falling apart, and at a time like this I cannot tell anyone what I did. I can't. I won't. I guess I am a coward.
I didn't felt like this in past. I had no motive, no motivation, no inspiration, I thought the time will be same as it is today so just lived. But after talking to Moin, everything has fallen apart. Oh well, if you don't know who Moin is, let me tell you. She is a girl with pure heart, a real woman, a survivor. She thought I was her friend. I was not, I was a person with ugly personality, a monster, evil witch who jinxed her life. She is a pretty girl, and I won't lie, but I love her.
Moin is a beauty, and she gets straight A's in all her tests. I am pretty popular at school, but a shallow person. When she first came in our class, I hated her. I hated her because she was everything I wanted to be. But I did not had what she had because I would never worked hard to achieve that. And she was loved by a person who's love I always wanted, but never received. I was blinded by jealousy. I started to talk to her, casually. When I got to know her, I realised how wonderful she was, and how much she deserved everything she had, even the guy I loved. She never looked down at me. We were pretty close. But you know, she did wrong. She shouldn't have trusted me.
I want to confess.
I am not a good friend. I ruined her life. A friend of mine lusted her. I invited her over at my birthday party, and she lost her chastity to him. Let me put it clearly. He raped her. I helped him to r*pe her. I am not worthy to be a woman.
The guy who loved her found her naked. Lying in a pool of blood. I was feeling bad about her, but I thought everything was over, for once and all. But he covered her, carried her to the hospital, got the guy who raped her arrested, and put a ring on finger her right there at the hospital. I know he won't be able to do anything to me, but I wonder if he could, would I be able to write this all now?
Now, Moin's every word is echoing in my head. I lost a wonderful friend, and guilt is eating me up. I watched her while she struggled under him. I watched her begging to not do anything to her. I saw all that. When I was not able to watch, I left, and still her cries penetrated through the walls, in my ears, tearing my soul yet I did nothing.
That day I realised that how shallow of a person I am. Totally worthless. A monster.
Those screams broke something inside me. Ironically, by destroying her I destroyed myself. And now, she'll broken, but I am too.
She would be hating me right now. Little does she know, that this incident damaged me as much as her. I am suffering from depression, anxiety and what not. I just, just wanna die. I wanna die for being such unworthy human being. I truly hate myself for being such a horrible person.
I don't know how to make everything right again. I hate myself. I hate myself. Here, my uncles are being assholes as they want my grandfathers business to be theirs and they have shaken hand with a gangster so that they can kill my whole family and as they are a part of our family, everything we have will be theirs. Grandpa says that gangster will kill my uncles after they will successfully get everything we have because he is a cruel person and his old enemy. I don't what to do now. Will I die? Well, just if those uncles of mine would spare my parents and grandpa's life, I would love to die instead of them, I don't deserve to live anyway. Everything is falling apart, I wonder will I see sunrise tomorrow. Mumma reassures me that we are okay, we are okay, but I can see terror in their eyes. I know nothing is okay. We are hiding in a secret place. I don't know till when we will have to hide. I just wanna die. I don't know what to do.
I have to go now, I hear someone is coming.
Ditto put down the diary, tears falling endlessly from her eyes. She felt so bad for Moin. If only she could contact her someway, so that she could tell her that she was sorry. Even if Moin wouldn't say anything, she just wanted to apologize. Also, that day, her parents were killed, and she was stuck here with Shredder, who killed her bit by bit. She still wondered that why isn't she dead yet. There was a reason, a little hope, and she could tell confidently now that Ralph was the reason. She put her diary back again, because it triggered all her past memories. She needed some time to calm her nerves, to be emotionless again, to face all the torture she received everyday.
She lied down in her bed, when she received a notification on her phone. "This is strange!" she thought, because in last few years, that phone was just a object for show, she never actually received any messages or calls from anyone. Her phone was on Shredder's radar every time, because he didn't wanted to let Ditto escape from his claws. For each and every person she connected with, death awaited. When she got to know that Shredder killed every person she contacted to, she just never dared to call anyone. It was too cruel. To kill a person just because they sent a simple "Hi."
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