Chapter 73: Do you know what it’s like to love someone so damn much and not get any of it back?
Steve
When my phone finally died, I decided to stop driving. I need to get something to eat.
I don't even know what town I'm in, but I know I'm very far from the city. The convenience store at the gas station was sparse, they had basic necessities with limited choice, and only one refrigerator. They didn't have phone chargers or even the connecting cable. Which is just as well.
I rip the sachets of creamer open and pour all three together into my coffee. Since I couldn't use the timer on my dead phone, I keep an eye on the clock to time my cup noodles. The clock looked like the gas station owner bought it in the 80s and it was one of those indestructible products that could survive an apocalyse. I found that strangely comforting.
10:56. One more minute.
I watched the creamer make fascinating swirls in my cup. I keep thinking of the last thing she said to me. "Do you know what it's like to love someone so damn much and not get any of it back?"
10:57. Okay.
I rip the lid off my cup noodles and stir them around with my wooden chopsticks.
Convenience stores and cup noodles remind me of Jamie when we were inseparable and trainees and not yet famous. He was my roommate when we still lived in the dorms, and most nights we starved together to get the perfect cheekbones, except there was only so much hunger we could take and we would sneak off to grab cup noodles in the convenience store a couple blocks away. Back then, I saw only these guys 24/7, and Jay because he was teaching us to dance, and Ned watched us like a hawk and we worked so hard. Jamie's cheerful face made me feel like all of this shit was worth it.
LJ calls Jamie "Mom" because he's such a nag. Nagging us when we can't memorize choreo. Nagging us when we don't wake up early enough to get to our schedules. Nagging us when we make inappropriate jokes. He wanted everything to be perfect. Of all of us, he was the one who wanted this the most.
I thought I wanted this too. I thought it was what Jamie and I had in common. Over the years, Jamie got really comfortable with his fame. He always knew what to say. He was the only one who didn't cover his face or look down when we walked through airports. "Caps ruin my hair," he would shrug. A fan would be filming him standing in line at immigration, her phone an inch away from his face and he wouldn't flinch. He has an awesome deadpan.
Meanwhile, I became the total opposite. Sometimes, I wanted to punch people who shoved their phones in my face, I don't care if they're girls. It's only when Jamie walks comfortably beside me that I'm able to relax too.
Jamie has this calming effect on everyone, not just me. Another reason why LJ calls him "Mom." He does all the Mom things, saving you the last piece of meat because he knows you want it. Fussing over what you're wearing before you make a public appearance. Tucking you in when you're too tired at the end of the day.
I look at the clock again, it was becoming a habit, especially since I had nothing else to look at. I realise it was almost noon, so I've been driving for around 12 hours. I wonder how long it would take to drive all over the country.
Do you know what it's like to love someone so damn much and not get any of it back?
Of course I know. How could I not know?
I wonder if LJ is okay. I was going to turn off the group chat notifications but couldn't because touching my screen will answer Missy's calls. So I saw them come in on my screensaver. How LJ was rushed to the hospital. How angry Mark was that LJ's face was unrecognizable. How angry Ned was that the PYD kid that LJ beat up needed to get his jaw wired shut. Wow, J, didn't know your tiny hands were so powerful, I'm impressed. How Jamie said he was going to break Justin's legs, still being a Mom, so typical. How Burt slept through the whole thing. So typical.
How they're not supposed to go outside today because paparazzi. So typical, Ned. Tsk.
I bet Jamie went to shoot Amazing today. They should be shooting right now. After, he would drop by the studio and we'd hang out while I mixed and he would refuse to tell me about what sex with Veronica was like.
The bell over the door of the store tinkled as an old lady and her grandson came in. They went to the one refrigerator and got popsicles. The kid was singing. Wait, no, he was rapping. He was rapping Can't Breathe. With his tiny voice, it sounded like a nursery rhyme.
If I could take back anything I've ever done in my life, I would have not slept with so many of these people I slept with. Especially Antonia, because that was just petty. And... well, Jame didn't even care when I slept with Chas, so that was the most pointless of them all.
I ball my hands into tight fists and counted to ten. I felt the anger go down. It didn't die, it just went down. I took a sip of my coffee. My forearms are starting to hurt, I've been doing this so much since last night.
"Without you, I can't breathe!" the kid shouted at his grandma as she unwrapped his popsicle for him. "I'm feeling fatigued! You're the oxygen I need!" Grandma smiled indulgently at him and ruffled his hair. They walked out of the store as the kid chanted, "Oxygen, like oxygen, like oxygen you aaaare..."
I took my phone out of my pocket and remembered it was dead. I should have shut it off, especially when people started sending me that pic Chas took of us, asking me if I knew about Chas, asking me if that was me. I should have shut it off but Missy was calling me. She called me all night. She called me until my phone died.
Do you know what it's like to love someone so damn much and not get any of it back?
I need a phone charger. I got up and asked the store guy if there were any electronics stores in the area.
Weekly Power Status
-- Power
Ranking 
-- Power
stone