Chapter 4: I dont know what to do!
Seyoo started to feel cold. She tightly hold her marker and stared back at Ms. Dewy. Slowly, she shakes her head as if trying to say that nothing is wrong, but her therapist just stared at her with understanding in her eyes.
She became fidgety. Unsure on how she will look at her. She looks down and started writing.
'What do you want me to tell you?' She sharply raised her whiteboard towards Ms. Dewy, pointing angrily on each word. Then erase it and write again.
'Fine'----
'Im not ok' ---
'I will never be ok'---
Her writing becomes erratic...
---' I just dont know what to do with my life'----
Her writings became inelligible. Faster and faster, she writes angrily while Ms. Dewy looked at her with understanding in her eyes.
---'I still miss my mom.'---
---'I miss her so much'----
---'everyday. I just dont- '----
Then, all of a sudden, it's as if her waterdam broke, she was oblivious that she is crying real hard now. Her eyes becomes blurry from her tears.
---' Just dont know what to do.'---
---'Im really tired'----
---Why? Why my mom?--
She shallowly inhales and exhales while writing
---'I wish I died with h'---
Suddenly, her trembling finger push too hard on the marker that its tip retracts. Seyoo---seems awaken in her oblivion--- saw what she wrote and immediately erase it with her hands. She looked up and close her eyes. Shallowing a mouthful of air trying to stopped her emotion, she cried choking in her own breathes. The room became very still as Ms. Dewy look at her, not moving at all. As if waiting for Seyoo to be ready to open up.
A minute passed. 3 minutes. 5 minutes. 10 minutes.Seeyo, takes her time to open her tear-stained eyes as she looks forward. She raised her hands as if reaching for something or someone.
As if in a trance, she smiles widely and open her lips to speak. No words came. Nothing. She puts down her hands in a slow motion and her smile turned bitter while crying quietly.
She closes her eyes again. Inhaling deeply, calming herself and opens her eyes to look squarely at the emphatic eyes of Ms. Dewy. She then turn towards her bag to get another marker.
She started writing. This time with complete control of her emotion.
'I'm not sure why Im still alive. I feel like I can't see any bright future for me.'
'Every night this past week, I am questioning all the what ifs.'
'I dream of my mom, dreamed of her lovely but blooded face.'
'Staring at me. then, slowly, she will fade. and I will have this feeling of lost and longing'
Seyoo, then looked at Ms. Dewy, inquiring on what or how to do now. Waiting for any instruction or explanation.
Ms. Dewy stares pointedly at her. She started to speak in a clear, crisp voice. "Seyoo, It is normal to feel lost. But you have to know to let go of your past. We may never know the reason why it happen, but it happened. We have to accept that anybody can also experience what you've been through. Yes, its completely unnerving, traumatic and very depressive. But Seyoo, you are in control of your life now. Would you rather be a person who just exist and slowly fades away ? Never to experience any happiness at all? Or be a survivor and become a woman that succeeded all the adversity in life, that your mom would be proud of?"
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