Chapter 10: Kiss My Butler

I told them you were awake. Happy birthday, Geoffrey! I'm so touched. May I get you anything? Don't be silly. You're always worried about pleasing us, but today it's Saturday, we're home and we're waiting on you. This is highly irregular. I don't want to hear it. Today, we're your butlers. Here's breakfast in bed. Is there anything else you would like? A spot of tea. I'll get the tea. Would you like anything with that? Geoffrey, relax. It's your birthday. We're gonna do all of your most hated chores. But, sir, I don't hate any of my chores. We do. Are you going to do anything special for your birthday? Most assuredly, Miss Ashley. Tonight, I'll be enjoying a BBC broadcast of Gilbert and Sullivan's HMS Pinafore followed by a penetrating interview by David Frost. And they say the man can't party. Before we get you your tea there's something else we'd like to do for you. Carlton, put away that tired old kazoo, please. Get busy for me one time, Skinny A. "Happy birthday, my man G "Because you know the most About butlery "So don't move an inch, stay where you sit "We're going to treat you like The King of Brit" Did you see that look on Geoffrey's face? He just lit up. I never thought I'd say this, but it feels really good to do something for somebody else for a change. Aren't we supposed to make him some tea? Right. How'd you like to go into the kitchen and introduce Mr. Tea Bag and Mr. Teapot to Mr. Boiling Water? Hilary, how'd you like to make the tea before I take away Mr. Allowance? Mother, please. Don't talk down to me. Yo, I got it. I know what I'm getting G for his birthday. - What? - Let me give you a hint. Little Richard? Shut up. No. I want to hook Geoffrey up with a woman so he can get busy. I think Geoffrey's busy enough, what with all his chores. You don't get it. Look, it's Geoffrey's birthday, and he's just staying up listening to his radio. Straight up, the man's depressed. No, he's not depressed. He's British. It's the man's birthday. Leave him alone. If Geoffrey's interested I don't see any harm in introducing him to a nice woman. - Here she goes. - Here what goes? Your poor Aunt Vivian seems to think she's a matchmaker. In her mind, she's the Chuck Woolery of Bel-Air. It's not just my opinion. When I was in college, I introduced three couples and they all got married. And by your fifth reunion, they were all divorced. I just get them to the altar. After that, they're on their own. People, people, please. I don't want to hear your dirty laundry. Geoffrey deserves a woman interested in a serious, long-lasting relationship. And I know exactly where to find her. The mall. Wait till Geoffrey sees this. When I'm done, he won't have to polish this for a month. - I can see myself. - I can't. Stay smooth. Don't buckle. Hilary, what's the problem? I've never wrapped a present before. Geoffrey's always wrapped my presents. Hilary, you can't ask him to wrap his own present. I guess that's another one of those unwritten rules. Man! Two hours at the mall, and I ain't get no girls. What did you expect? You went to the mall with girl-away there. For your information, Hilary, Jazz here happens to be the master when it comes to cracking on the girls. The boy is irresistible. Sure, maybe during a blackout. I'd love to get a hold of you during a blackout. Daddy. That's better. Now, where were we? In honor of Geoffrey's birthday, we are preparing an incredible feast. Beef Stroganoff, Potatoes au Gratin, and Apple Brown Betty. It sounds delicious. When will it be ready? In 55 seconds. Just tell us when to zap it. Could you put a hold on dinner, please? I'm trying to find Geoffrey a girl. The words "mission impossible" come to mind. - I know someone. - Really? You know my friend Samantha? Maybe I should explain some of the finer points of the law to you. I was going to say that Samantha has this sweet nanny who just came from England. She says Helen has nothing to do. She just sits in her room at night knitting. I smell a match. How long has this nanny been in America? Two weeks. Perfect. A lonely woman, new to our country she probably won't even notice what a Melvin Geoffrey is. Yo, Geoffrey. Ashley, you go invite her. The rest of y'all beat it. You bellowed, Master William? I've been thinking about it. I'm not down with you being lonely on your birthday. I shall be far from lonely. I shall be spending the evening with the glorious music of Sir William Schwenck Gilbert and Sir Arthur Sullivan not to mention David Frost. So far, I count you plus three guys. I just thought you might prefer a woman. I'm not making too big an assumption here, am I? As it happens, I like women just fine. But I think it's a bad idea for a butler to intertwine his private life with that of the family. Surely you gleaned that much from watching Mr. Belvedere. But, G, there's this nice old British nanny that Ashley knows she really wants to go out with you. - Sorry, Master William. - But Ashley already invited her. What? I told her that was a little pushy, but you know kids. This is just regrettable. It ain't so bad, G. I mean, it's your patriotic duty to show your countrywoman a good time. G, don't do it for yourself. Do it for the King. I wouldn't want to disappoint King Elizabeth. Helen is going to be here any minute. - Baby, hook it up. - I'm hooking as fast as I can. Don't be such a wanker. - What are you going to wear? - Voila! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,no, no,no, no, no. Come on, G. Hilary's taking you and Helen to the fliest club in LA. Jazz is the DJ there. He said the place is all of that. All what? Look, forget it. I don't think you understand, man. You got a kind of a Ben Vereen thing going here, man. Come on, baby. You got to dress a lot funkier than that. Funkier? There. Pure, unadulterated funk. All right, look, G, forget about looking cool. Let's concentrate on acting cool. Don't talk to me about cool. During the '70s, I was briefly employed as Led Zeppelin's road butler. When the music is pumping and it's time to go on the dance floor this is what you do. Now you give it a try. I would be most happy to, but to the best of my knowledge hell has not yet frozen over. Madam, sir. A round-trip ticket to England. Thank you. We thought it would be nice for you to see your family. Yes, I suppose I should drop in on them. This is from Ashley and me. I paid the lion's share. Happy birthday, Geoffrey. English Leather. English toffee. An English muffin. That sounds like my present, G, but I'll leave the unwrapping to you. Will, must you be so ribald? I won't answer that without a lawyer and a dictionary. I'll get Helen. Here's my present, Geoffrey. Happy birthday. I wrapped it myself. Thank you, Miss Hilary. This is most generous. I know I boss you around too much. This gift is my way of making up for it. Hilary, sweetheart, you could also stop bossing him around. Okay, then I'll keep the sweater. - He's right this way, Helen. - Happy birthday, G. Get ready to have your candles blown out. Geoffrey, I'd like you to meet Samantha's nanny, Helen Carter. Helen, I'd like you to meet Geoffrey. - Charmed. - It's nice to meet you. From the children's description, I thought you'd be much older. Ditto. And this is my mom, my dad Hilary, Will, and Carlton. You can call me Tony. What are you trying to pull here, Tony the Tiger? I didn't start it. Did you see the way she looked at me? Share the fantasy, Carlton. I was just trying to be friendly. Park your welcome wagon elsewhere. That's Geoffrey's date. She'll be dancing with him, but she'll be thinking of me. So, Helen, I'm Will. Welcome to our humble crib. Ashley, this must be that houseboy you were telling me about. That's homeboy. Sorry. I'm so glad you could make it tonight, Helen. This is working out just beautifully. The two of you look so wonderful together. How many lives do you have to ruin, Vivian? Helen, what part of England are you from? Allow me, Miss Hilary. You can tell a lot from a person's accent. You're from London, of course. - Of course. - I'm guessing West End. - Why, yes. - Chilton Road? - That's right. - Upstairs above Shrimpton & Son. Close. One more block up, next to Bottomleys. It has been a while. Isn't this cute? You two have so much in common. You both speak English. To this day, it remains the largest rhino ever to be taken with a bow and arrow. Geoffrey, this is fascinating. It's like going out with James Bond. You're not the first to have made that comparison. I'm going to go mingle. The "A" list turned out tonight. Really? Look. That's Tom Cruise's pool cleaner. And that's Cher's electrolysist. And that's Heather Locklear. Hey, beautiful, I see you've come to make up. What's with the Band-Aid? Was your brain leaking? I hit the pavement kind of hard when your dad threw me out of the house. You could call it a love scar. Perhaps I haven't been clear in the past. I don't like talking to you. I don't even like seeing you. So please, just go away. I love a flirt. Will, what are you doing here? Leave Geoffrey and Helen alone. What do you think I am? I'm down here merely to hang out with my good friend Jazz. While you're here at it, hose him down. I got to run. There's Demi Moore's cable man. - Yo, J, what up, baby? - Yo. Your cousin's really starting to warm up to me. Yeah, right. - What's wrong with you? - Peep out that babe G's with. You mean Wonder Woman? Check this out. I got the worst luck in the world. All the babes I mess with in Bel-Air been whacked, right? I follow you so far. I go to hook G up with an old British nanny it turns out to be her. She don't look too old to me. I know, Jazz. She's perfect. Homey, I'm in love. G didn't even want to go out with her in the first place. I don't know what you guys do in Philly but in LA, we don't give stuff like that away. I don't know what you guys do in LA but in Philly, you crack on somebody's honey, you get yourself killed. I don't know what you guys do in Philly, but in LA, we men have to take that risk. Yo, brother, you want to take this outside? Calm down, man. Listen. Tell me, how's your butler dance? Like he dresses. Why? I'll throw on some house music, he can't hang out on the dance floor. You can pick up all the pieces. We got a brother in the house tonight. He's celebrating his birthday. He's my main man Geoffrey. Clear the dance floor, and let him and his lady get busy. Helen, care to cut a rug? Smashing. Like an angel in flight. Yeah, he is better than I thought he'd be. They're doing the lambada. That's the forbidden dance. It's like this, right? Mississippi Burning, right? I'm getting that feeling of deja vu. I'm trying to concentrate. Could you turn that down? I'm sorry, honey. Maybe this will help. It's Saturday night. We always used to go out dancing Saturday nights. Maybe we can do some in-house dancing. - What are you doing home? - Man, I sort of bounced home. - They threw me out of the club. - Why? It all started when your man Geoffrey started doing the lambada. Geoffrey does the lambada? That's the forbidden dance. You guys missed the night of the year. Geoffrey is an amazing dancer. He was doing back flips. Back flips? Isn't he cute? - Good night, Geoffrey. - Good night, Miss Hilary. Yes, I think we'll go up, too. Good night, everyone, and thanks for a lovely birthday. - Yo, G? - Yes? Hold on. I shouldn't have busted your groove at the club. I guess what I want to say is it's all Jazz's fault, man. Sit down, lad. Master William for you, a birthday is a time to paint the town red but for me, it's a time of reflection. A time to review one's successes and regrets. One of my regrets has always been the fact that I never had a son. I have so much advice to pass on to the next generation. But no one to tell it to. Look at the time. Boy, I'm bushed. Sit, William. My boy, a man is much more than the job he holds or the clothes he wears. For example, if I were to judge you by your costume I should guess you were some kind of circus performer. That's pretty cold, G. But you made the same assumptions about me. You assumed I was lonely. You assumed I couldn't comport myself at a nightspot. You assumed I was a poor dancer. I hope the events of tonight have proved to you that I am, as the saying goes a fairly fly individual. Helen sure thinks so. She's certainly a hot little number. But I'm afraid she and I were mismatched. - She was a little too young for you? - Quite the contrary. I am afraid I was a little too intimidating for the poor girl. She's looking for someone a little slower a little less sophisticated. I could be slower. I'm sure I could be less sophisticated. She sensed that. Here's her phone number. She's expecting your call. It isn't important that I got the date with Helen. The important thing is I learned to appreciate Geoffrey as a human being. And Geoffrey and I have a deeper relationship.