Chapter 92: $pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling)

[ Chorus ] " The Simpsons " [ Bell Ringing ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Glass Shattering ] [ Announcer ] The News On Parade Corporation presents News On Parade Corporation News. Bringing you the world of current events. ! New gadgets. ! - [ Whistle Blowing ] - [ Screaming ] And Hollywood. ! Look. ! It's Amos from radio's Amos and Andy. Hello, everybody! Springfield. : City on the grow. ! It's a proud day as Springfield is declared one of America's And why not? Business is booming. ! Half the country wears Springfield galoshes. And say hello to the state's first aqua-car factory. Keep 'em coming, boys. ! The city's even in the celebrity business. Everyone knows - Professor ''Rubber Mouth'' hails from Springfield. - [ Man ] Bravo. ! Everybody's chipping in. Even this fella has Springfield's can-do spirit. ! [ Barks ] So, watch out, Utica. Springfield is a city on the grow. [ Crowd Murmuring ] [ Scoffs ] The way people act around here -you'd think the streets were paved with gold. - They are. [ Tires Screeching, Car Crashing ] [ Siren Wailing, Gunshots ] Got any spare change, man? Yes! And you ain't gettin' it! Everybody wants somethin' for nothin'. - [ Door Slams ] - I'm old. ! Gimme, gimme, gimme. ! [ Humming ] Huh? Hey! There's something you don't see in a toilet every day. [ Shouting ] Anybody lose their glasses? Last chance. Whoo-hoo! The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side. - That's a right triangle, ya idiot! - D'oh! Thank you so much for visiting our plant, Dr. Kissinger. - It was fun. - We'll let you know if your glasses turn up. Uh, yes. Well, I'm sure I left them in the car. [ Thinking ] No one must know I dropped them in the toilet. Not I, the man who drafted the Paris Peace Accords. - Mm-hmm. Mmm. - Mm. Huh. - [ Scoffs, Sighs ] - Mmm. Hmm. Sir, bad news from Accounting. The economy's hit us pretty hard. [ Scoffs ] Tough times, huh? I've lived through 1 2 recessions eight panics and five years of McKinleynomics. - I'll survive this. - Even so, sir. We could stand to lay off a few employees. Oh! Very well. Lay off him, him, him, him-- Hmm. Better keep the egghead. He just might come in handy. Dad, you shouldn't wear glasses that weren't prescribed for you. Lisa,just because you're 1 0 feet tall doesn't mean you can tell me what to do. - I'm Bart. - Give me those. And finally, Henry Kissinger was hospitalized today after walking into a wall. Now over to Kent Brockman with some grim economic news. Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch. I haven't been able to find a job in six years. Huh. And what training do you have? Five years of modern dance. Six years of tap. [ Brockman ] The economic slump began last spring when the government closed Fort Springfield devastating the city's liquor and prostitution industries. Now, at the risk of being unpopular this reporter places the blame for all this squarely on you, the viewers. I propose that I use what's left of the town treasury to move to a more prosperous town and run for mayor. - And once elected, I will send for the rest of you. - Boo! Excuse me, Mr. Mayor? The chair recognizes the little chick with the gleam of hope in her eyes. This piggy bank contains $1 5 I saved from my allowance. It isn't much, but I would like to help. Aw,just what I need to tip the skycaps. I'll tell you what made this town great! Good, old-fashioned gumption! There's nothing here a little elbow grease won't fix! So let's roll up our sleeves and-- [ Snoring ] - People! People! Let's be a little more realistic. - [ Snoring Continues ] Now, I, uh, hesitate to bring this up but a number of cities have rejuvenated their economies with, uh, legalized gambling. [ Crowd Murmuring ] There is an added bonus. Some of the revenue can go to help our underfunded public schools. - Well, I like the part about the gambling. - What do you think, Reverend? Once something has been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral. - Yea! - By building a casino I could tighten my stranglehold on this dismal town! Yea! - [ Belches ] - Yea! Well, now. Are there any objections? [ Man ] Probably Marge is gonna have some. [ Crowd Murmuring Marge's Name ] Actually, I think it might really help our economy. [ Murmuring Excitedly ] Very well then. Instead of fleeing this town I'll stay here and grow fat off kickbacks and slush funds. Yea! [ Shouting, Cheering ] This could be a whole new beginning for Springfield. And you know what the best part is? We've really done something for the children. [ Man Shouting ] [ Mayor Quimby ] We're thrilled you've decided to build your casino on our waterfront. Oh, I'll never forget my carefree boyhood days on this old boardwalk. - [ Children Chattering ] - [ Electricity Buzzing ] - [ Chattering Continues ] - "[ Calliope ] [ Screams ] Why, you-- [ Gasps ] Master Burns! I mean, carry on. - [ Yelping ] - [ Giggling ] [ Screams ] Me leg's gone gimpy! Who'll provide for me little ones? - [ Screaming Continues ] - [ Laughing ] [ Laughing Continues ] [ Laughing Continues ] Oh-- What was I laughing at now? [ Panting ] Oh, yes. That crippled Irishman. Sir, the designers are here with some prototypes for your casino. Gentlemen, I give you Britannia! Gambling with all the glitz and glamour of the British Isles. Best of all, the waitresses and showgirls are all real Brits. Fresh from the streets of Sussex they are! [ Clicks Tongue ] Freshen your drink, governor? - Get out. - Okay. All right. Wait-- - Now-- Now, dig this, man-- - Get out! - [ Chuckles ] Wow. Oh, let me just get my head together. - Now! I'll need three ships and 50 stout men. We'll sail round the horn and return with spices and silk the likes of which ye have never seen. - We're building a casino! - Arr. Can you give me five minutes? [ Scoffs ] Idiots. I'll design it myself!. I know what people like. It's got to have sex appeal and a catchy name. It's got to have sex appeal and a catchy name. Mom, we're having a geography pageant at school and I don't know which state to go as. In honor of legalized gambling, why not go as the state of Nevada? No. Nevada makes my butt look big. Then how 'bout going as Florida? You enjoy orange juice. Old people like you. - Dad, what do you think? - Shh! I'm trying to teach the baby to gamble. - Why? - I got a job at Burns's casino. As you know, it's been my lifelong dream to become a blackjack dealer. Your lifelong dream was to be a contestant on The Gong Show. And you did it in 1 977. Remember? - " [ ''Oh! Susanna'' ] - [ AudienceJeering ] [ Gonging Continues ] We got more gongs than the break-dancing robot that caught on fire. Hello. I'm retired heavyweight boxer Gerry Cooney. Welcome to Mr. Burns Casino. If there's anything I can do to make your visit more enjoyable, please let me know. - Yeah, great. See ya! - Uh, don't forget to apply for our V. I. P. Platinum Club for special discounts on-- - Hey! I said bug off!. - [ Whimpers ] Uh, let's see. Eighteen, 27, 3 5-- Dealer bust! Looks like you all win again. Yee-haw! Homer I want you to have my lucky hat. I wore it the day Kennedy was shot and it always brings me good luck. Why, thanks, Senator. Oop! Looks like my shift is over. [ All ] Uh-oh! [ Grampa ] Come on, lucky seven! Papa needs a new pair of spats. I want some of that sweet, sweet do-re-mi! Fat City, here I come! Please throw the dice now. Please. Now. Don't rush me! I have arthritis. Will the gentleman please roll the dice? All right, all right, smart guy. [ Gasps ] Oh, for crying out loud, I dropped one. Oh! Now it's in my shoe! Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ooh! A round of applause please for Anastasia! She loves show business. So much nicer than the savagery of the jungle, ja? So much nicer than the savagery of the jungle, ja? - [ Honking ] - [ Low Growl ] Hey, tiger! Wake up! [ Growling ] [ Roaring ] - [ Roaring ] - [ Screaming ] [ Shouting In German ] Whoo-hoo!Jackpot. Wait a minute! Are you over 21 ? - Are you? - I'm not authorized to answer that. [ Grunts ] By the way, your martinis suck! Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do? Start your own casino in your tree house and get your little friends to come? I'd like to see that! Hi. Yeah, welcome. Have a lucky day. ! Mm-hmm. Hi. Yeah, welcome. Have a lucky day. ! Mm-hmm. Well, he certainly showed me. [ Marge ] Hi, Homie. ! Hey, Marge, after your big tantrum against legalized gambling I bet it feels pretty weird to be in a casino. - I was for the casino! - Strike three, Marge! I remember that meeting, and I have a photographic memory. Legalized gambling is a bad idea. You can build a casino over my dead body. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. - For you. It's the president. - Y'ello? And then I said to the president-- Get this-- Marge? Marge? Hmm. Hmm, I wonder if they have a lost and found. Oh, what the hey! [ Coins Jingling ] Mmm! Hmm. Hey, how's it goin'? Hey! Good to see you. Tell your friends. Lookin' lucky! Hey, what's happenin'? Love the jacket. Lookin' lucky! Hey, what's happenin'? Love the jacket. - [ Meows ] - Behold the box of mystery! The cat goes in-- [ Straining ] right here-- [ Screeching ] [ Screeching Continues ] Twenty-one? Do that card-counting thing again. Come on. Do it again. Definitely have to leave the table. No! Please, please, please, please, please. Gotta watch Wapner. Leave the table. Yeah, leave the table. - No! - [ Screaming ] [ Screaming ] Sir, you haven't slept since the casino opened five days ago. I've discovered the perfect business. People swarm in, empty their pockets and scuttle off!. Nothing can stop me now! Except microscopic germs. - But we won't let that happen, will we, Smithers? - Uh-- No, sir. - [Jingling ] - [ Whimpering ] [ Whimpering ] - Whoa! A baby on the table! That's good luck! - [ All ] Yea! - Snake eyes. Sorry. - Boo! Garsh, it must be excitin' to live in the casino. - Ja. - You know, we are having a party tonight. - [ Roaring ] - [ Grunts ] Whoa, Marge! You gotta watch out. Your little boy Bart could have been eaten by that pony! [ Gasps ] Oh, my God! Barney, thank you. I would never have forgiven myself. Now, you stay put, young lady. - [ Grunting ] - Oh! Man, that's classic compulsive behavior. Wow! Free beer! Buddy, those are my quarters! - [ Belches ] - Hey, this guy's paying off!. - [ Belching ] - [ Chattering ] I don't wanna hit a sore spot, but can we talk about herpes? " Herpes, herpes, bo-berpes " " Banana-fana, fo-ferpes Herpes, oh " Hey, that spot on Gorbachev's head-- Herpes! Trust me. - Anybody here have herpes? Huh? Huh? - [ Person Coughing ] You people are the worst audience I've ever seen. Well, you're the worst comedian we've ever seen! Oh, great! Well, we'll just sit here silently for the next 90 minutes. - Fine with us. - [ Groans ] They're all covered with filthy germs! Aren't they, Smithers? Why, what do you mean, sir? - [ Germs ] Freemasons run the country! - Ew! [ Marge Grunting ] Marge, you waited for me! [ Grunts ] - Okay, Marge. Let's go. - I'll catch up to you. - Marge, I'm taking the car. - I'll walk. - This late? Through the bad neighborhood? - Yeah. - Marge-- - Go home! You're bad luck! Wait! I see what's happening here. You're just mad because everyone in this town loves gambling except for you! - Well, that's just sad. - [ Grunting Continues ] [ Grunting ] - Um-- - What? - Excuse me, ma'am. Don't you think you've gambled enough? - No! Okay. We're required by law to ask every 7 5 hours. Get her another free drink. - [ Meows ] - Do you get the feeling this family is disintegrating? I mean, we haven't had a meal with Mom all week. And she hasn't even started my costume for the geography pageant. Pipe down, Sister! I gotta book a new act for tonight. Turns out that Liza Minnelli impersonator was really Liza Minnelli. [ Shivers, Grunts ] - There's nothing to eat for breakfast! - You gotta improvise, Lisa. Cloves, Tom Collins mix, frozen pie crust-- - Mmm! - Maybe Mom just doesn't realize we miss her. We could go down to the casino and let her know. Aw, come on, Lisa. There's no reason to-- Let's go see Mom. [ Grunting ] Marge, we need to talk. You're spending too much time at the casino, and I think you may have a problem. I won $60 last night. Whoo-hoo! Problem solved! Smithers, I've designed a new plane. I call it the Spruce Moose, and it will carry 200 passengers from New York's Idlewild Airport to the Belgian Congo in 1 7 minutes! - That's quite a nice model, sir. - Model? - Mom. ! - Huh? What? Lisa, what's up? - I just had a bad dream. - Oh, sure. You just lie down and tell me all about it. Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the bogeyman was after me, and he's hiding-- [ Screams ] Bogeyman! You nail the windows shut. I'll get the gun. [ Grunts ] Bart, I don't want to alarm you but there may be a bogeyman or bogeymen in the house. [ Screams ] [ Tires Screeching ] [ Trembling Audibly ] - [ Bart And Lisa Sighing ] - Hmm. - What happened here? - Oh, nothing, Marge. -Just a little incident involving the bogeyman! - [ Gunshot ] None of this would have happened if you had been here to keep me from acting stupid! Oh, I'm sorry. I have been spending too much time at the casino. I'll be around more from now on. Does this mean you'll help me with my costume? Oh, sure, honey. I promise. - Thanks, Mom. - Mmm. Aw,just like on TV. - [ Grunts ] - [ Canned Laughter, Applause ] Hi. You from the casino? - I'm from a casino. - Good enough. Let's go. [ Lights Buzzing ] I'm afraid Robert Goulet hasn't arrived yet, sir. Hmm. Very well. Begin the thawing ofJim Nabors. [ Panting ] Are you sure this is the casino? I think I should call my manager. Your manager says for you to shut up! Vera said that? Huh. [ Grunting ] Dad! Mom said she'd be home to help me with my costume. And she's not! And the geography pageant is tonight! Lisa, your mom still loves you. It's just that she has a career now. She's a slot jockey. But if I don't show up in a rubber suit shaped like the state of Florida I'll be the laughingstock of the whole school. Oh, it's always something, isn't it? First I have to drive your pregnant mother to the hospital so she can give birth to you, and now this! Ow, ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! - Dad! - [ Chuckling ] Oh, yeah. The costume. Hello, ''Floreda''! [ Gasps ] I'm not a state! I'm a monster! [ Sobbing ] No, Lisa. The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor! And it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws! [ Groaning ] Marge! Where are you? Damn this casino! [ Grunts ] - [ Yells ] - Double stars! Everybody wins! Yea! - [ Grunting ] - Hey! - Seven. Lucky seven! - Yea! - Yeah-- Ooh! - He can't talk now. [ Grunting ] Marge? - Hey! - Smithers I don't want that unpredictable lunatic working in my casino. Fine. We'll transfer him to the nuclear plant, sir. Oh, my beloved plant. How I miss her. Bah! To hell with this! Get my razor! Draw a bath! - And get these Kleenex boxes off my feet! - Certainly, sir. - And, uh, the jars of urine? - Oh, we'll hang on to those. Now, to the plant! We'll take the Spruce Moose! - Hop in! - But, sir-- [ Gasps ] I said hop in. [ Panting, Gasps ] [ Grunting ] [ Shouting Incoherently ] Homer, what is it? Slow down. Yer getta ferda redda oura. Think before you say each word. - You broke a promise to your child. - What? You promised Lisa to help her with her costume. You made her cry. Then I cried. Then Maggie laughed. She's such a little trouper. [ Gasps ] Lisa's costume! [ Gasps ] Homer, I didn't realize. I'm so sorry. Marge, I want you to admit you have a gambling problem. You know, you're right, Homer. Maybe I should get some professional help. No, no! That's too expensive. Just don't do it anymore. "[Jazz Intro ] "Jingle bells Batman smells " " Robin laid an egg " " Batmobile lost its wheel and TheJoker got away, hey " Thank you! Thank you very much. - Ow! - Oh, I'm sorry, kid. And special awards go to the two students who obviously had no help from their parents: Lisa Simpson and Ralph Wiggum. - I'm Idaho! - Yes, of course you are. You know, Marge, for the first time in our marriage I can finally look down my nose at you. You have a gambling problem! That's true. Will you forgive me? Oh, sure! Remember when I got caught stealing all those watches from Sears? - [ Groans ] - Well, that's nothing, because you have a gambling problem! And remember when I let that escaped lunatic in the house 'cause he was dressed like Santa Claus? - [ Groans ] - Well, you have a gambling problem! Homer, when you forgive someone you can't throw it back at them like that. Aw, what a gyp. - Mmm. - Remember when I-- - Homer! - Oh, yeah. I forgot already. [ Slot Machine Spinning, Coins Clanking ]